Participating in these forums when involved in a relationship

[Mr Blonde]

It is late and I am tired, so hope this makes sense....

I know there are couples who post in the BDSM forums and "share" their participation. Some speak candidly and explicitly about activities, others just discuss their relationship's status in a direct manner.

The BDSM area of Literotica is mostly submissives and some of these submissives in a relationship participate in the forums but their dominant partner does not read or post. (That last sentence was crappy, but I just mean they have this place to themselves.) Of the few dominants in this forum, some share it with their submissive....some post without their submissive's involvement....and many are currently single.

Now moving to specifics, I have been deliberately single during the majority of my time of posting. I have felt free to discuss things without a care for any consequences or any posturing to seem like an ideal dominant. The dilemma is I have started dating again. I have already taken out one woman and tonight asked out another. There are no guarantees, but as I start dating again I will probably get in another relationship soon.

I would not mind if my hypothetical submissive-to-be wanted to discuss our relationship with her friends or with a BDSM forum. And I would not mind if she read all of the posts I have ever made here. But it would feel weird for me to continue posting here once in a relationship. Because when I speak, I average all of my experiences and it is crappy behavior to discuss ex-girlfriends with your new girlfriend. I would want to be focused on her.

I know some people like documenting their daily exploits, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it is not my style. And I am here to learn other people's real life experiences vicariously, keeping my interest hypothetical or detached at best.

And if you glance at my posting history, you see it is very psychological or introspective style or some curiosity of things beyond my interest. I talk about birth order, Maslow Hierarchy of Needs and stuff like that. But when I have a real relationship, I would rather stay up all night learning about her instead of philosophical pursuits. I would not be asking academic questions about forced prostitution, because while I am curious I have no real life intentions and would instead be focused on my relationship.

Even being single, I can barely manage more than one post a day in the last nine months. It is tough because I have learned so much here. I now clearly see I have had different types of submissives. I only could only realize this by being detached and just reading what articulate but unknown women had to say, without it relating to me or having any involvement. Reading why a submissive enjoys or does not enjoy XYZ activity can be insightful. Not that I have never talked with my ex-submissives, but it is human nature for them to filter and for me to distort their words.

I guess I am trying to reconcile how to keep learning as an individual even while actively trying to build a new relationship. For example, let's assume I continue posting as a new relationship grows. Because I use the forums in such an introspective way, I might pick apart a perfectly good relationship. I mean the forums could provoke me to start thinking about MBTI types and I can wonder if we are compatible, instead of doing the wise thing and working at the relationship to build compatibility.

Make any sense?

(Yes, I know this is a pathetic topic and opening with a 1000 word screed condemns this thread to a quick death of perhaps four replies....two of them mine.)

 

[Mr Blonde]

Oops....let me make one of those replies now. This is not a whiny goodbye or farewell. I have no plans to go away. I am just seeking a real discussion on some of the issues I touched upon.

How can people constructively post while in a relationship?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, congratulations on beginning to date again... and phew, thanks for clearing up the 'not leaving the forum' bit!! I for one would have missed your words and thoughts. As to the main question about how to remain posting while building or being in a relationship without causing friction, hurt feelings, or feeling constrained or limited at times....difficult one, and I can only speak of our experience and from my own perspective.

We both contribute, myself more than he which I am sure is obvious. I think it works for us because we are open and honest about everything, and discuss anything we may be slighted over or unsure of what was behind the comment etc. Admittedly, it has caused friction at times in our household, and has seen both of us at one time or another wanting to withdraw completely to avoid any further issues. The bottom line for me though is it adds another dimension to our communication with each other and ourselves, as well as adding those perspectives of others which may or may not be valueable to us.

There are no real surprises, and if wording gives a wrong impression, it provides a point for us to discuss which often leads to an even deeper understanding of each other. It also in a weird way is one more thing we share. I think for me, the pros far outweigh the cons. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[LadyG]

I have only recently started posting in this forum, but am a regular (check the post count) on the GB.

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with myself to be able to post here.

I am encouraged to do so, but was never instructed to. "He" reads my comments but since I fall into the "general" posting category as opposed to going into details, there is no problem.

It's a place for me to learn, to observe and ask questions of others, that I may get a different view point.

 

[Desdemona]

Snooze and I met here at Lit a couple of years ago. We both go through phases where we post alot and phases where we sort of burn out for a while and don't post at all. When we started the relationship, we discussed posting and decided that we would use our judgement about what is posted. As Catalina said, some of our posts spark further discussion and give us an opportunity to understand each other better. In terms of referring to experiences in past relationships, that hasn't been a problem. We both openly discuss those experiences whenever they become pertinent to whatever is going on with us anyway.

Posting here has not been a problem for our relationship.

 

[sunfox]

I would have to say that while my partner doesn't post here, and only reads something when I bring his attention to it... I do feel that it has brought us to a better understanding of each other's needs and desires.

I do tend to keep to generalities overall in my posts regarding him, but it has never caused any discomfort or unease in our relationship that I post here.

No doubt he's glad that I take out most of my desire to pick fights on threads here, instead of picking philosophical arguments with him.

 

[ownedsubgal]

this can be a touchy issue. in the past my Master has problems with my involvement on lifestyle message boards or chats, not because of things i had posted but rather because of the negative and rude responses of others, and he has removed me from an online group or two for that reason. He has no issue with me posting about our lives in a public forum as long as i avoid certain subjects. He actually encourages me to interact in online D/s communities, since my real life is so restricted, i very rarely get a chance to talk with others in (or out of) the lifestyle about lifestyle related issues and feelings. this way, i can connect with the outside world, not feel so isolated. though he does not post here, my Master posts fairly regularly on other lifestyle boards. it is a rule of his that the two of us are not to post on the same board.

 

[MastrJ]

When my sub and I were together, we both posted here. I think we both enjoyed reading about other people's expriences and telling about some of our own. There were a few times that I thought I may have posted too much, but she was always ok with it.

 

[Quint]

The way I look at it, my sexual life is public domain. My literature is as much "me" as the details of my personal exploits on this forum, because it comes from the same place. Quint is an exhibitionist. Granted, that's simply me, and I can see how having a more camera-shy partner would alter that formula. That's something to be discussed and determined on a case-by-case basis. But if I stopped talking about the way T smacked me around last weekend, I'd probably have to stop writing smut in general.

Oh wait, I have. Nevermind. Poor example.

I think it is possible to remain active and involved in a forum and not compromise a private relationship. Like you say, taking a philosophical approach to BDSM can be highly informative, although it seems to get people irritated (re: Pure). But even an abstract approach to physical dilemmas can get some good replies: "what happens when a person goes too far?" vs "I went too far; what happens now?" We'll pretend we don't know what you really mean.

 

[Scarlett_t2]

We both post here, we have for quite awhile. Most don't even know who my S/O is. Where I am more of a lurker and reader he has a comment for pretty much everything. I understand. We are different people with different intrests. I have learned quite a few things about the way he feels about things (BDSM). We don't always have the time to sit and talk with our hectic lives. (We work opposite of each other)
I know we both enjoy the boards and I have learned so much. We discuss alot of the topics we read here. It has only been good for us.

Scarlett

 

[FungiUg]

I post here fairly regularly. My lover has posted here once or twice. When we shared a submissive, she used to come on and read my postings, and occasionally post herself. Now she's in a relationship of her own (rather than a relationship with us), she seems to have stopped doing that, although I did spot one from her a month or two back.

Basically, I regard it as a place to talk openly about something I enjoy, but which is not suitable for general conversation with most people. I don't hide my interest or participation here, but neither do I throw it in people's faces.

You will notice I am rather circumspect about what details in regards to my lover and our ex-submissive I will actually post. While I am happy to talk about myself, I do try and respect the privacy of the people I am involved with. So there is still a balancing act.

 

[Esclava]

Lurker, here...

Perhaps I will come back when I have a relationship to give input about. Thanks!

Esclava

 

[Mr Blonde]

Warning: I am even more tired than last night!

First....


"And I am here to learn other people's real life experiences vicariously, keeping my interest hypothetical or detached at best."

That was a very weird sentence. I don't know exactly what I was thinking...? Perhaps I meant: I can learn from anyone posting here, but usually it is the posts from straight female submissives that have the closest for relevance to my life. I want to make it clear I am not some internet weirdo who gets his kicks observing people and putting everyone in little boxes. Sometimes halfway through a thread I will think "this has zero relevance to my real life" but I will keep reading anyway just from the perspective of an outsider. That is closer to what I meant!

Personally I prefer the more open-ended questions over threads like "what are your favorite handcuffs?" that delve into specifics. Yes, I own a pair of wrist restraints and a pair of ankle restraints. If that no longer was enough, I would just Google (or Froogle?) for the information.

My weak attempts at rehabilitating my first post have probably clouded the issue. In that case, let's move right along to the replies:

Thanks to the people who responded. The testimonials about the forums not hurting the relationship are encouraging. I considered everything that was said. Some very solid information all around.

Does sharing a message board with your partner inhibit personal growth? Do you feel free to pre-explore an idea before getting your partner's reaction? By pre-explore, you might want to organize your own thoughts and see how much appeal it has for you before presenting it to your partner. One reason I would encourage my submissive-to-be to post on message boards is so she will learn the basic diversity and can see how I am similar or different from others. Most importantly, she has time to think and learn about herself without worrying about making a mistatement to me.

I think we can all agree that being interesting and diverse people helps keep our relationships fresh. And some of that uniqueness has to be developed in private before it is presented to the partner.

Thanks for any replies and I am just considering the circumstances. Here are some roses and happy faces:

 

[ammre]

when i was with konstantin i would just watch what i say in posting.

 

[LadyG]

I think it's all about the limits and expectations that have been decided on at the onset of the relationship.

I never get in trouble for having an opinion, quite the opposite, it's encouraged.

But..having said that, I know my boundaries on what is appropriate to discuss and what is to be kept one on one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Does sharing a message board with your partner inhibit personal growth? Do you feel free to pre-explore an idea before getting your partner's reaction? By pre-explore, you might want to organize your own thoughts and see how much appeal it has for you before presenting it to your partner.

I can see how it might for some. For us, he likes me to continue to grow, explore, think, so anything I feel inclined to post is usually OK with him in terms of my own personal view and growth. If he doesn't agree or like something I say or do, he will discuss it with me...sometimes he still does not agree, other times he understands better where I was coming from. Same goes for his postings.

As to exploring feelings/thoughts for my personal appeal value before presenting them to him, it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes it may be he wants me to write out my latest fantasy, or the contents of a dream..in those situations it is more about obeying than being able to take time to analyse and accept myself. In part too, some of my writing is done purely out of instinct, sometimes about things I think I might like, sometimes about things I think I might not like, and sometimes about things I don't know where I stand on. He reads them and decides whether he likes them and wishes to introduce the concepts into our life or not.

I am also expected to share all my thoughts with him. Though this is impossible in reality, I know what he wants and try and comply irrespective of how it effects me. My mind is usually moving at high speed so often things will pop in which have not necessarily been thought out by me on a conscious level. It works well most times, and often allows for us to explore them together.

Catalina

http://www.flip-logtenberg.net/lijnen-animatie/lijn%20kat%20en%20muis%20.gif

 

[Netzach]

While I post away at odd hours he's being a total geek and working on a modified map for an ol game.

So, after the whirlwind romance dies down, you will both find yourself with quaint little hobbies.

This beats knitting.

 

[Quint]

While I post away at odd hours he's being a total geek and working on a modified map for an ol game.

So, after the whirlwind romance dies down, you will both find yourself with quaint little hobbies.

This beats knitting.

And here I thought you were all about the needles.



I can see how sharing a board with a partner would be fun, though I don't really care for the "Smoochie on my scrumptious subbygirl!" "I heart you too, Master!" type threads. It is a good outlet for expression and learning more about each other through indirect communication, which I guess is easier in early stages of relationships than explicitly talking about these sorts of matters. I wasn't ever a shy little thing, but I can see how expressing a desire to be pissed on and laughed at by a group of masked men would be easier to write about, couched as a fantasy or general inquiry, than it would be to bring up over dinner.

 

[april-wine]

I have lurked here more than I have posted, mostly because I was fascinated by the people, by the place....I have learned much, have made some new friends, and discovered much about myself....My girl is more the questioner, and personally it works for us....I see what is going on in her mind, and I also get to see other perspectives....This has afforded us the ability to talk to each other in greater detail, and lends to a wonderfully open and honest relationship....

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can see how expressing a desire to be pissed on and laughed at by a group of masked men would be easier to write about, couched as a fantasy or general inquiry, than it would be to bring up over dinner.

Ah, but to do it in inadvertent ways takes away the thrill of humiliation as you are watched closely, questioned, and teased while verbally expressing all those hidden desires and fantasies..and trying to digest your food without choking!!

Catalina http://www.flip-logtenberg.net/sex/girl1.gif

 

[Quint]

Ah, but to do it in inadvertent ways takes away the thrill of humiliation as you are watched closely, questioned, and teased while verbally expressing all those hidden desires and fantasies..and trying to digest your food without choking!!

Catalina http://www.flip-logtenberg.net/sex/girl1.gif

And posts like THIS are the reason I'm happy that T does NOT freqent this forum!

 

[catalina_francisco]

And posts like THIS are the reason I'm happy that T does NOT freqent this forum!

LOL, chicken!!

Catalina http://www.flip-logtenberg.net/sex/danseres3.gif

 

[Jessalynvix]

Dusty and I have not had a problem with sharing the boards because we both seek to see what others have to say on things. Though we post more to other forums then this one namely our roleplays though we occasionaly have news or questions and we post those here. We share details but we generally discuss what is shared before hand.

 

[Limbhugger]

Well it would seem my wonderful wife has already spoken for us.

I will just add that I wouldn't over think the issue Mr. B. I know I have met two incredible people here that have been a major inspiration and of unedning help to me and wife. Without them, and the other wonderful posters, we would very much still be floundering about. One has posted here the other sadly doesn't come around as much any more.

Point being, I think this is a great place to learn and explore and has been said as long as it remains a healthy outlet then I see no problem with it. In my situation it would be the contrary. Not being here, would be more adverse.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

While we don't come around here much anymore, we DO continue to participate in an online community together. He participates in a wide selection of fora, not just BDSM--politics, general, humor....like here, he keeps things....lively *snicker*. I'm much more thoughtful, and my post count is low, *shrugs*.... if I don't have anything to add to a discussion I just don't bother. I do lurk here, on and off. Things do catch my eye on occasion. Real life keeps me busy these days.

~anelize