It's scary. Our mothers were once the people most devoted to our care. They endured our bouts of vomiting, our measles and scarlet fever and strep throat and injuries and ear infections, and somehow made us better. To see them laid low - to consider any visit as a possible "last" - is to feel battered by inadequacy, tenderness, remorse, frustration and a terrible love.
Panic flaps and flutters within the cages of our hearts. We are orphans-to-be. Small. Weak. Helpless. Heartsick. Trying to put on a brave face. pretending for their sakes and our own that all hurts can be healed.
He grew up to be the child in everything except his eyes. He insisted on staying on the farm until we could no longer cope with his wife's cancer, our infant daughter, and the exhausting trips between Lisbon and the farm. Bringing him to Lisbon was the beginning of his end as if distance had separated him from the severity of his wife's illness. Sharing the same rooms gave him no escape and he left Zola's world and the inane philosophy he'd used to guide his life under dictatorship. I remember his glistening eyes as I cleaned him in the shower, standing erect, insisting on using the walking stick that hangs still on a solitary peg in our hallway. He became transparent before the end, shedding everything except dignity. Twenty-five years ago, this month; my mother-in-law died four months later.