Oz

[Aquila]

How is oz?
I might be assigned overseas for a while and OZ is looking like I might actualy become a resident for a while.
I've never been there. and have absolutley no clue what to expect. it would be a 3 to 6 month post. Im just wondering you know in general basics what to expect. me being a dirty american and all.

 

[michaelmt1]

Well dingos will steal and eat your children. Rabid kangaroos roam the main streats. It hasnt rained in 4 years. We have a gnome as a Prime Minister.

Where do you look like being posted ? Sydney/Melbourne

If you strike it lucky you will get PERTH !!!!





Mike

 

[Aquila]

Well dingos will steal and eat your children. Rabid kangaroos roam the main streats. It hasnt rained in 4 years. We have a gnome as a Prime Minister.

Where do you look like being posted ? Sydney/Melbourne

If you strike it lucky you will get PERTH !!!!





Mike

actually I think brizbane or something like it (sorry I know nothing of oz) I just got notified today.

 

[QuickDuck]

The Confusing Country

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically,it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture, they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) andsurfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, andn noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings

* "G'Day!"

* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

* "She'll be right."

* "And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.

* We mean it.

* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

* Always carry a stick.

* Air-conditioning.

* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.

* Thick socks.

* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.


See Also:
* "Deserts: How to die in them",
* "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever"
* "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

 

[michaelmt1]

actually I think brizbane or something like it (sorry I know nothing of oz) I just got notified today.

Brisbane the Gold Coast the Florida of Australia.

State Averts say Queensland Beautiful one day perfect the next.

Your Foot Ball Teams are Astrailian Rules Brisbane Lions (The Champs Last Year)

Rugby League Brisbane Broncos Did Well lat year

Your Cricket Team Bushranger The Champs last year

Winter has been outlawed by the state legislature.

Great beaches Great climate booming enomomy but lots and lots of people go there to retire.

Mike

 

[QuickDuck]

actually I think brizbane or something like it (sorry I know nothing of oz) I just got notified today.

Brisbane.... about a 90 minute flight north of Sydney or a 10 hour drive (1000kms)

Probably one of the most laid back cities since there was a time that everyone would retire and move up there.

I like it there, but it is a whole new outlook and attitude on life.

if you do go... DO NOT DRINK XXXX bear.

it is called XXXX because Queenslanders (the state where brisbane is the capital sity), cannot spell "beer"

/wave
QuickDuck


p.s yes Bindii is going to beat me up for that

 

[TheDR4KE]

Brisbane is a pretty tough place to live. Hope you like sunshine and pretty women. There is a Borders and a Starbucks, so if you do get homesick you've got a place to go.

Quack

the D

 

[QuickDuck]

Brisbane the Gold Coast the Florida of Australia.

State Averts say Queensland Beautiful one day perfect the next.

Your Foot Ball Teams are Astrailian Rules Brisbane Lions (The Champs Last Year)

Rugby League Brisbane Broncos Did Well lat year

Your Cricket Team Bushranger The Champs last year

Winter has been outlawed by the state legislature.

Great beaches Great climate booming enomomy but lots and lots of people go there to retire.

Mike

Ok Mike... what's australian rules football?

You also left out the Reds Rugby team which makes up a good portion of the Australian team, currently on tour.

Agree totally on the outlawing of winter (it does get cold of a night but he days still get rather warm), and yes, the beaches are great

 

[Aquila]

More questions

Will I be able to import my guns, I like to shoot at least a few times a month.

Any weird ass laws I might get smacked with (Say for my complete lack of anything resembling an ability to become drunk)

and quickduck.. interesting read.

what if I hate soccer. or football or whatever the hell its called.

I like watching rugby.. now thats a good sport to watch.

Do you have hockey there?

this is an If proposition right now.. Ill know for damn sure by the end of next week.

 

[michaelmt1]

Ok Mike... what's australian rules football?

You also left out the Reds Rugby team which makes up a good portion of the Australian team, currently on tour.

Agree totally on the outlawing of winter (it does get cold of a night but he days still get rather warm), and yes, the beaches are great

Shit Mate Queensland wins just about every thing these days blood bunch of Roaches they are.


OH Aquilla

Cane Toads Great Big Fucking Cane toads. Frogs the size of elephants that jump around putting dirty great big holes all over the place.



Mike

 

[michaelmt1]

Queensland,

Put your watches back only one hour and step back in time 100 years





Mike

 

[Aquila]

Shit Mate Queensland wins just about every thing these days blood bunch of Roaches they are.


OH Aquilla

Cane Toads Great Big Fucking Cane toads. Frogs the size of elephants that jump around putting dirty great big holes all over the place.



Mike

and I shouldn't put my hand down these holes? right.

 

[QuickDuck]

Re: More questions

Will I be able to import my guns, I like to shoot at least a few times a month.

I am not sure of the exact QLD gun laws, but as to the "importation", thats easy since i used to work for a frieght company.... NO.

Any weird ass laws I might get smacked with (Say for my complete lack of anything resembling an ability to become drunk)

hehe hard one to answer but i am pretty sure i can say with total confidence... yes

what if I hate soccer. or football or whatever the hell its called.

Soccer is getting bigger here, but not huge. Upper East coast Australia is predominantly Rugby Union and League, with Aussie rules being secondary (unless the teams are doing well *lol*)

Do you have hockey there?

yes... and no.

What we call hockey, is not what you call hockey.

Currently I think both the Australian men and women's teams are world champions.... but I think you call it "field hockey".

To most aussies, (and especially Queenslanders), ice is something you put in your drinks, not scrape off the windscreen of your car.

this is an If proposition right now.. Ill know for damn sure by the end of next week.

Personally, I love the country, but then i think i might be a little biased

 

[QuickDuck]

Queensland,

Put your watches back only one hour and step back in time 100 years

Umm you do know thats what the Eastern States say about you guys over in WA?

"perth are 3 hours and 20 years behind"

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Oz

 

[Guest]

And Aquila?

 

[TheDR4KE]

The Qld government web site is as good a place to start reading up.

You'll also want to read up on weapons licensing

Here are some weather statistics

Anyway, you get the point. The WWW is your friend.


Quack

the D

 

[Aquila]

Re: And Aquila?

I have it on good authority that it's pronounced Brisbin, not bain.

Can I get a job where you work, you lucky stiff?

Lioness

Yeah lucky... thats what I am.

 

[TheDR4KE]

Umm you do know thats what the Eastern States say about you guys over in WA?

"perth are 3 hours and 20 years behind"

We talk about WA?




Quack

the D

 

[QuickDuck]

Re: Re: Re: Oz

G'day Mr. Duck!

I dunno babe, I've had plenty of kind words shared with me by Aussies. Lots and lots. Tons. Heaps. Loads. Even if I am a silly chook of an American.

Are you trying to scare him, you bad boy???

Hilarious post, QD. I loved it.

Fond regards,
Lioness

Of course i think The Dr4ke and Mike will agree that scaring, or simply confusing, Americans is a wonderful national past-time

 

[michaelmt1]

Aquilla


Stargne laws in queensland :


Governments get elected on minority votes.

people with more than 4 children ahve to walk in two seperate groupd for fear it will me considered a street march.


You will find out that there is intense competition between the states terms like :

Mexican, Cockroach , Bandits.....are all derogitory for residence of inferior states like Queensland and New South Wales ( counts to ten to see how long it takes the Duck to reply).

Now a word you need to know is wanker. wanker = dickhead how ever wanker can be good as well.

EG
Get your hand of it duck you stupid wanker Aussie rules is great.

Now this is nice comment how every:

Duck you are a wanker. This is clearly an insult

Also the word bloody you have to use blood in every other sentance.

Eg how was you weekend ? ( real aussies say Jaaveagooweegend)

Good mate how was yours ?

Not bloody bad at all.

OK China (China is a term of endearment)

Mike

 

[michaelmt1]

Umm you do know thats what the Eastern States say about you guys over in WA?

"perth are 3 hours and 20 years behind"

Jesus you are a f&***ing prick mate you cant use my own insults against me it just not fair




Mike

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Oz

Of course i think The Dr4ke and Mike will agree that scaring, or simply confusing, Americans is a wonderful national past-time

For sure.

Although I don't confine myself to Americans.

Quack

the D

PS Here's a handy identification guide to a few of our cute little critters.

 

[cybergirly]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Oz

Of course i think The Dr4ke and Mike will agree that scaring, or simply confusing, Americans is a wonderful national past-time

Just you wait...

 

[Guest]