Overcoming comfort zones.

[Mr. Bootie]

How is the best way to help your partner overcome thier comfort zones and get them to step out of them. My sub and I are in this dilemna right now. I want to take her out of her comfort zones. I do understand that this is a big step for her, and I want to be supportive. Any suggestions?? Have others faced this?? How did you deal with it??

 

[Shadowsdream]

How is the best way to help your partner overcome thier comfort zones and get them to step out of them. My sub and I are in this dilemna right now. I want to take her out of her comfort zones. I do understand that this is a big step for her, and I want to be supportive. Any suggestions?? Have others faced this?? How did you deal with it??

Blunt honesty!
Is taking her out of this comfort zone for her own growth or Your own growth.
Being supportive and being authorative can be a very thin line. Occassionally supportive crosses into You submitting to the submissives comfort. Occassionally being authorative becomes abusive to the psych of the submissive.
If the *comfort zone* is a make or break reality of the relationship long term the blunt honesty with no satin lining is often the kindest approach from both the Dominant and submissive.
ex...when My *potential* submissive wished to become Mine for life he had to step out of his comfort zone. I am poly inclined and always will be. he was not. I will not demand any submissive become or accept poly if it is unthinkable for them but I also will not adapt to their comfort level in this matter. Hence comes freedom of choice. Move forward My way or move on with the search for the Mistress with the same desires. BLUNT...HONEST and painful...but better painful today than devastating tomorrow.
Each partnership will come with different baggage but it has been My experience that looking deeply into why We wish to push the comfort level and why the submissive feels the need to stay in the comfort level cannot be overstated.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Great advice Shadow.

Yes, it is not me in the zone, but rather my submissive. When it comes to bdsm play, her "limits and comfort zones are few." It is her lifestyles outside of bdsm where she has comfort zones. I.e. She is a homebody and doesn't like to get out too much. Nor does make friends easily. It is easier for her to stay on the puter and talk and make friends rather than go out into the "real world" and make friends. I have no issues with her online friends, I want her to make friends closer to home.

Thank You Shadow for your insite.

( p.s. We have talked about it, and we are working on this. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Yes Shadow. I agree with what you said. )

 

[AvaAdore]

i've been wanting to get into a bit of blood play...he really doesnt want it, mostly because of a fear of having his blood taken away (he gets really nervous about blood tests). i dont want to get into anything really big, just a teensy-weensy little cut to lick.... i think it would be really erotic.

i do really want to do this, but i wont force it on him. i think i should just give him time...he may be more open to it later on.

 

[bunny bondage]

teeny weeny little baby steps

 

[Krinaia]

Re: Great advice Shadow.

Yes, it is not me in the zone, but rather my submissive. When it comes to bdsm play, her "limits and comfort zones are few." It is her lifestyles outside of bdsm where she has comfort zones. I.e. She is a homebody and doesn't like to get out too much. Nor does make friends easily. It is easier for her to stay on the puter and talk and make friends rather than go out into the "real world" and make friends. I have no issues with her online friends, I want her to make friends closer to home.

Thank You Shadow for your insite.

( p.s. We have talked about it, and we are working on this. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Yes Shadow. I agree with what you said. )

If getting out and meeting people is hard for her ... I have one suggestion.... ask her to join a club or class or group. There was a thread awhile back about different classes a master might ask his sub to take ... yoga, cooking, art, massage... the list goes on. Such a class might improve your relationship with her (ie, her flexiblitiy in bed or ability to please you with a well cooked meal). And she'll hopefully enjoy the private time and exploring her talents and getting to know other people in the class. Find out what she likes and is interested in doing. Everyone has some class or skill they wish they could explore. I bet she does.

 

[hurtme]

You'll probably think that this sounds lame, but I had this huge hurdle to get over...my big problems stemmed around my inability to give control to another person, and my man issues...I have had some rather bad experiences with them in the past, and I usually balk at even the thought of "taking orders" from one. I still can't tolerate being called names (whore, bitch, slut, etc.) but thanks to much patience on his part...and taking it slooow, I was able to give in without feeling like I had no say in what happened...if that makes any sense...plus, he was always very reassuring...you know, if anything I do really upsets you, its ok to tell me that, and I won't be angry...and knowing that he meant it, that sort of thing...

 

[Ms_Kat]

A suggestion

Discuss specific things that you'd like to do. Build them into a fantasy world while you are in a scene she already enjoys. Let her give feedback as to how she feels about it. For example, if she just can't stomach the idea of being with another woman, it's best to understand just what that means before you try it.


Hugs,


Kat

 

[cellis]

i've been wanting to get into a bit of blood play...he really doesnt want it, mostly because of a fear of having his blood taken away (he gets really nervous about blood tests). i dont want to get into anything really big, just a teensy-weensy little cut to lick.... i think it would be really erotic.

i do really want to do this, but i wont force it on him. i think i should just give him time...he may be more open to it later on.

Quite by accident, we shared a wonderful experience with blood play... over the course of the last year He has brought me knives and I recently purchased one for our collection... We have not yet repeated that most erotic adventure with the blood... but I know we are moving in that direction...

I would urge you to talk about those things... We do often... and after everytime we play... what do I like what did He like... What can I do to make it better for Him... What can He do to make it better for me... It is a mutual sharing thing for us...

I know that others do not operate that way... but we do and it works for us...

Mr Bootie... I am much like my dear friend your submissive... It was hard for me to get out and make new friends... but it has been working lately because of new people in my life...

I am making a concerted effort to make new friends and do more things and be less dependent on Himself because He cannot always be with me or do things with me...

It was hard at first, but after almost a year, it has gotten easier to get out and do things... of course part of this is do to my relationship with Jaxx....

It takes time...

 

[AvaAdore]

it's sort of a difficult situation sometimes. if there's something he really doesnt like he seems to clam up and not want to talk about it at all. he was sexually abused when he was younger, and from what i gather there was lots of persuasion and manipulation involved, and i dont want to repeat that, even by accident, so i think at least at the moment the best thing is to give him time. it's not like there isnt anything else for us to do

 

[DustyWolfe]

Hiya Mr. Bootie,

I would definitely say that it depends on the submissive first off. With some people you can you take them beyond their comfort zone quite easily, if they are the type of person that transitions easily. Otherwise, I would say to take things slowly. Give them a chance to open up to new ideas and situations/ sensations. For some people it can take alot of building up to something before they are comfortable.

Rule of thumb: Know thy sub

Good luck

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Hey there Dusty!!

Hiya Mr. Bootie,

I would definitely say that it depends on the submissive first off. With some people you can you take them beyond their comfort zone quite easily, if they are the type of person that transitions easily. Otherwise, I would say to take things slowly. Give them a chance to open up to new ideas and situations/ sensations. For some people it can take alot of building up to something before they are comfortable.

Rule of thumb: Know thy sub

Good luck

Thank you for the post. I know my sub, and I know it's time to get her out of her comfort zone.


Cellis, I think you are like my submissive also. I'm glad to see that you are getting out and making friends. I think my sub can be inspired by you.

 

[DustyWolfe]

Re: Hey there Dusty!!

Thank you for the post. I know my sub, and I know it's time to get her out of her comfort zone.


Cellis, I think you are like my submissive also. I'm glad to see that you are getting out and making friends. I think my sub can be inspired by you.

I know you know her. And you likely know what will go over best with her. So why are you asking this question silly bootie man? Just kidding. *hugs* I've missed giving you a hard time.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

* Laughing * It's all good Dusy!!

I know you know her. And you likely know what will go over best with her. So why are you asking this question silly bootie man? Just kidding. *hugs* I've missed giving you a hard time.

I know you like giving me the business. Sorry, Just got through watching Leave it to Beaver. Yeah, You know me. I like to ask questions and put it out there. I have got some pretty good responses. Better than I've hoped.

I've missed you also and I am glad you visited this thread.

*HUGS and 's back to you.

 

[SierraMoon]

One question that i would like to ask... is it so important to change this side of her? You said that in play she has very few limits... If she is happy being a homebody, is it that important to change her? She may have reasons for being the way she is, or she may just enjoy privacy and having her own alone time.

Just curious

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Yes it is important Sierramoon

One question that i would like to ask... is it so important to change this side of her? You said that in play she has very few limits... If she is happy being a homebody, is it that important to change her? She may have reasons for being the way she is, or she may just enjoy privacy and having her own alone time.

Just curious

Bieng a homebocy and wanting to have privacy are one thing. However, if their are other issues and staying at home bieng a homebody prevents her from doing other things, then I think those issues need to be addressed and dealt with. Yes, I do believe thier are other issues that are going on with her. I can understand privacy and having her own time. So what prevents her from making friends in RL as opposed to making them online? Isn't it better to have a real hug as opposed to a cyber one?

Don't get me wrong, having friends online is good, but do you not agree having RL friends that can actually be there for you are nice also? Not only that, but to have friends that are hers is also important.

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: Yes it is important Sierramoon

Bieng a homebocy and wanting to have privacy are one thing. However, if their are other issues and staying at home bieng a homebody prevents her from doing other things, then I think those issues need to be addressed and dealt with. Yes, I do believe thier are other issues that are going on with her. I can understand privacy and having her own time. So what prevents her from making friends in RL as opposed to making them online? Isn't it better to have a real hug as opposed to a cyber one?

Don't get me wrong, having friends online is good, but do you not agree having RL friends that can actually be there for you are nice also? Not only that, but to have friends that are hers is also important.

Yes, i do believe that it is good to have r/l friends, if she chooses to.. i guess my question is, shouldn't this be something that she works out for herself? Should it be a job for her Dom to do?

Many people feel more comfortable having "online" friends, because they are much easier to make than r/l ones.. unfortunately society makes it difficult for some to make friends face to face.

Just knowing that someone cares for you, whether it be online or r/l is the main thing, imo... having someone to share ups and downs with, whether it be online or on the phone (r/l).

i personally have a friend online, who is closer to me than any of my past r/l friends, in fact... probably closer to me than even my family members. We have a lot in common, and have bonded in that way. i don't know if any of the people i associate with in r/l would understand my private side, or want to for that matter.

Just giving my opinion

 

[Mr. Bootie]

I'm with understanding you except for one point.

Yes, i do believe that it is good to have r/l friends, if she chooses to.. i guess my question is, shouldn't this be something that she works out for herself? Should it be a job for her Dom to do?

Many people feel more comfortable having "online" friends, because they are much easier to make than r/l ones.. unfortunately society makes it difficult for some to make friends face to face.


What does society making it difficult mean?

Should it be her Dom's job? No, It has to be up to her. For only she can make the necessary steps. However, it is up to the Dom to see that steps are taken.

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: I'm with understanding you except for one point.

What does society making it difficult mean?

Should it be her Dom's job? No, It has to be up to her. For only she can make the necessary steps. However, it is up to the Dom to see that steps are taken.

Well, in my opinion... if people are say... shy, overweight, too tall, too short, etc... society shows us that people should be one way... ie... outgoing, skinny, just the right height and so on... so, to be one of those people who aren't those things, it's a scary thing to go out and try to make friends. Online takes all that fright away, because you get to know the person, without knowing what they look like... That's all....

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Okay

Well, in my opinion... if people are say... shy, overweight, too tall, too short, etc... society shows us that people should be one way... ie... outgoing, skinny, just the right height and so on... so, to be one of those people who aren't those things, it's a scary thing to go out and try to make friends. Online takes all that fright away, because you get to know the person, without knowing what they look like... That's all....

Yeah, It is easier to online I suppose. Going out meeting people is taking a risk. A risk that has great rewards. Staying safe can stunt owns growth and leave one stagnent. Then it's difficult to stay on the same levels if one is standing still and the other is moving.

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: Okay

Yeah, It is easier to online I suppose. Going out meeting people is taking a risk. A risk that has great rewards. Staying safe can stunt owns growth and leave one stagnent. Then it's difficult to stay on the same levels if one is standing still and the other is moving.

Understood