Our Story

[maryandmichael]

Hello everyone. We just had our first story posted under Erotic Couplings. It is called "A Brief Encounter." We would love to have feedback from people who also contribute here. You can find it still under "New Stories." Thanks...and honest opinions accepted and welcomed.

 

[CWatson]

One of the best things you can do, if you want feedback here on these boards, is post a link to your story IN your post. We're all ornery sons-of-bitches here. We don't like having to do actual work.

(For everyone else, here it is:
(http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=496065)

I have to go to work now, but hopefully I'll have time to check it out when I get back.

 

[CWatson]

Okay, umm. Having a chance to read this now (in between work, applying for jobs, and trying to play Civ5), what I've got to say is that I don't believe it. I don't think any real human being would ever do what Mary is doing.

(I could go at it from that direction, but I did and I ended up with like ten paragraphs, so instead of explaining the symptoms and then diagnosing the disease, let me do it the other way around; I think it might be faster.)

Your problem is that Mary and Michael have no personality. These two mannequins get in the elevator, and then suddenly we're supposed to care about them. No. It doesn't work that way. You can't expect The Reader to care that Mary or Michael is about to get their rocks off unless you make The Reader care about Mary and/or Michael as people.

Think of it this way: if I get laid right now, are you happy? Sure, maybe you are, in a cerebral manner. But it doesn't mean anything to you; it's not something you're going to look back on, or remember, or celebrate. And the reason for that is because I'm a stranger. I mean nothing to you, so of course you don't give a fig if I lose my virginity (or don't) this very second. And I wouldn't expect you to. But by the same token, I don't really care about your characters; you haven't made me care, or even given me anything about them I can care about. Sex involving them is something that is irrelevant to my life and interests.

And so when Mary plants her seduction, I don't find it interesting. In fact, I find it completely unbelievable, to the point that I'm tempted to hit the Back button. Real people don't act that way. Maybe they do in certain circumstances, sure... but, so far as you've told me, Mary is not in those circumstances. And there's your problem.

I'm about to sound super-conservative, but it's the truth, especially in fiction: love before sex. I don't mean that the characters have to love each other. I mean that The Reader has to love the characters, or at least care about them. Otherwise, the sex is meaningless, like badly-filmed pornography--just two piles of limbs writhing against each other. Limbs, but no people.

So, long story short: what your story is missing is a paragraph, perhaps more, right at the beginning before Mary even speaks. It's the paragraph where Michael describes having seen her frequently in that elevator, and why he is attracted to her, and why he hasn't said anything before now, and how that makes him feel, and why--when Mary does speak up--he isn't immediately weirded out that she's just as much a stalker as he is. You kind of hinted at this stuff, but you weren't specific enough to get it across. And that's bad because without it, Michael doesn't exist. What happens to his heart and mind is way more important--to his character, to the story--than what happens to his cock. You skipped his top half and went straight to the bottom. And for that reason, the story collapses.

There's other stuff I could talk about, technicals and such, but this is your real problem, so let's work on that first.

 

[mokkelke]

i agree with Cwatson, i like to read, a lot. they don't have to be all that believable either. But if you can't capture or interest the reader in your first 1/3 paragraph, no matter how good it gets after that, or how well written it is, you lost your reader.

i started reading and that is exactly what happened. it lacked the emotion, interaction between them, there wasn't a real desire felt between them.

 

[maryandmichael]

Thanks

Thanks for the feedback. We are trying to get started at this. I understand what you are saying and will work on that.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Congratulations on your first story!

I liked the opening, which is something I can't say about a lot of stories. The short sentences combined with your terse writing style captured the feeling of an office building and the business of a morning elevator ride and those brief encounters that happen every day. Though at first I didn't get that it was an office building. I was thinking apartment building, which leads me to my first note: don't be afraid to be descriptive of the environment. If the reader can feel like he/she is in the scene, it makes it that much more inviting.

I think I have the same issue with the others in that I didn't quite "buy" the characters. For instance, I liked that the woman initiated the contact with him and that at the outset it seemed like a business transaction for her. I would have liked her to be even more business-like and supremely self-confident about it. I would have liked it if she'd just handed him a note saying something like, "I want to fuck you. Call me at 10 at this number if you're interested." I don't believe for a second she wanted to make love to him when she never even took the time to try to flirt with him. She wanted to fuck, and that's different for me. I didn't believe that she had all these feelings for him bottled up inside. I felt like she looked at him, thought He'll do, and made an offer.

Once in the hotel, I'd like to see her totally in control and for it to be clear that she doesn't give a shit who he is, she's just using him for sex. I'd actually have loved it if she fucked him silly, didn't let him come while getting off a couple of times herself, and then leaving him hanging to go to her meeting. I'd have liked it even more if she didn't even want to learn his name or let him get a word in edgewise.

I guess it was one of those stories where it was really close to being something I'd just love to just missing the mark. But that's just me. I'm telling you what gets me off. If that's not the story you have inside you to tell, then disregard. I believe in a writer telling the story that's his or hers, not just writing what he/she thinks everyone wants to read. I believe in writing that makes you happy, and being secure in the knowledge that no matter how cliche, or nasty, or fucked up, or banal, or {insert criticism here} someone may say it is, it's bound to be someone else's cup of tea precisely.

And you really need to brush up your grammar skills. Your use of quotations and commas is distractingly bad. Punctuation makes a story more readable, and if we have to fight against it to read the story, you'll lose us. I imagine a lot of people tried reading the story but couldn't finish because of it. And editor is going to be your friend.

Keep writing, though. First stories are the hardest. It takes time to find your voice as a writer and you'll get better with practice.

 

[PacoFear]

Howdy maryandmichael,

I'll second favoritesgoddess on at least one point: congratulations on your first story! It's a big step and you deserve some kudos for taking the plunge. It's especially awesome that you're doing it as a couple. If you haven't already tried it, a fireplace, a bottle of wine, and a bit of cooperative smut composition can make for a pretty good stay-in night. Personal experience.

Anyhoo, below are my thoughts on your first piece.

The Boring Basic Stuff
Yep, as CW and fg observed, you could use a bit of work on the grammar stuff. Don't fret, grammar isn't really the focus in erotica, it's just that bad grammar ends up becoming the focus for a reader because it winds up distracting them from your smutty efforts. There were two big things that caught my eye on your story. Maybe look out for them on your next post.

Punctuating dialog: It isn't that hard, it's just that none of us learned it in school. Here's a pretty straightforward webpage on the subject: Punctuating Dialogue

Paragraph breaks: You've got a few odd ones. I suspect these were just typos, but if it helps your decisionmaking process for next time, a paragraph break can be considered equivalent to the longest pause between two written thoughts. In order of increasing pauses it goes something like this:

comma<semicolon<<colon<<<period<<<<paragraph break

If you want a bit of help on the grammarlies on your next story, pop over to the Editor's Forum and post a request for someone to read through your story before you post it. If you ask, some of them will give you some substantive suggestions too on things like plot, dialogue, and pacing. Read the stickies though, there's an etiquette to observe when requesting people to do free editing for you. FYI - I wander in and out of the Editor's Forum on a fairly regular basis and I'll keep an eye out for you guys, but there are folks who are more talented editors that just about live there. If I'm not mistaken I believe I've seen CW there dispensing wisdom more than a few times. rose: CW )

The More Interesting Naughty Stuff
Substantively speaking, you're piece isn't bad per se. It just reads a bit like (and IMHO at points better than) most of the things published in Penthouse Letters. Letters-type stuff is a genre unto itsef and if that's what you were shooting for then mission accomplished. You've got something quick and smutty and more than a few folks will get turned on.

The thing is that the people here on Lit are a bit on the finickier side. Actually, to be more specific, the folks who are more willing to bother voting and leaving feedback on your story and the ones who hang out here on the Forums are finickier. There are a ton of lurkers on the main site who pop on, read for kicks, then leave without voting or commenting. For them it's just a guilty pleasure.

My point is that a quick and naughty story like this one isn't likely to pull in the kind of attention in terms of votes and feedback that you may be hoping for. For that you'll need to dig a little deeper, develop your characters, get a bit poetic here and there, basically engage more than the readers' naughty bits. No sense reinventing the wheel, get a sense of how other folks successfully manage it by skimming Lit's Top Lists.

Now get back to writing the smut! As with anything, there's no substitute for practice.

-PF

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Who's the guy?

I don't want to pile on what has already been mentioned by others. However, I will add one additional point that ties in very closely with prior observations. The lack of detail at the beginning of the story would have caused me to click away before I finished the third paragraph, if I were not reading for the purpose of providing a critique. Stories that start with "he" and "she" are snooze inducing. We learn a few things about Mary, some of which should have been revealed at the beginning of the story, but we know no more about the male character at the end of the story than we did at the beginning. This is especially troublesome, since the story is told primarily from his point of view.

 

[maryandmichael]

Keep the help coming

Thank you all for reading and critiquing. If I had not wanted the help I wouldn't have asked. So at least thank you for not being harsh, just honest. We do enjoy writing together and are working on some other stories. What do you guys think, should we re-edit this one?

 

[PacoFear]

Thank you all for reading and critiquing. If I had not wanted the help I wouldn't have asked. So at least thank you for not being harsh, just honest. We do enjoy writing together and are working on some other stories. What do you guys think, should we re-edit this one?

Two schools of thought on that:

Leave it, Keep Going: these folks say writing is an evolutionary process. Don't waste time working on old stuff. Keep moving forward.

Me and a Few Other Wackadoodles: tinker and fiddle with your stories 'til you like 'em. Since part of my pleasure in this whole Lit experience is having people read and enjoy my postings, I want to make my stuff pretty so that "PacoFear" means something to at least a few folks.

It's a style thing. No right or wrong.

 

[CWatson]

Personally, I would move on. But that's because I write very free-form, everything segueing into everything else. Trying to edit a chapter by sliding something in seamlessly is not very easy, even with the amount of practice I've had at it. Plus I'm a procrastinator. So, to me, it's better to just get it out first at 95% or 90%, and then learn what I can and apply it to my next story. Because if I try to apply it to this one, I'll never get it published.

Your mileage may vary. Try both approaches and see which one best fits you.

 

[mokkelke]

i'd say leave it be for now, write a new one taking into account the given advice here. when you hit the spot dead on with the next story and you both know what the issues are/were you can always go back and rewrite it(should you feel up to it)
writing is a growing experience. i'm still new at is as well, but thanks to a good editor and a some very kind souls i have improved my writing. and hope over time to still keep learning new things to get even better.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

I tend to move on to the next idea, but then later on go back and revisit old work and see if I can make it better or if it should just stay. Sometimes I want to fix it and revisit some old characters, and sometimes I realize I've had enough of them.

Really, it's all up to you.