Orgasm permission.

[yourwickedthing]

I'm about to sound really dumb but I'd rather make an ass out of myself here than in front of Sir.

I've only just begun my first BDSM relationship. My brand-spanking new Dom (ha) gave me instructions today that involved me touching myself. I wasn't to contact him until I completed my list of tasks.

The problem is, we're still in the beginning stage and I have a very big feeling he's testing me. He didn't explicitly state I could orgasm. While I know that "touching yourself" pretty much implies the whole shebang, I also don't like presuming anything with him. Yet I was afraid to contact him and ask him to clarify because A.) I feel stupid and B.) that would be outright disobeying one command to just make sure I wasn't disobeying another. And I really, really, really don't want him to think I'm stupid . I've written and rewritten a message to him explaining this mindfuck I've been having but...

UGH I am such an overthinker!

I was hoping that you more experienced subs out there (and Doms) could offer your opinion.

 

[CutieMouse]

He gave a vauge "order"; IMO clarification is in order. Maybe next time he'll do a better job of communicating his expectations.

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>


UGH I am such an overthinker!

I was hoping that you more experienced subs out there (and Doms) could offer your opinion.

No, you are not over-thinking this. In any act of intentional communication, the speaker has the responsibility for ensuring that the listener understood the message as intended. Your partner did not do this (else why would you be asking us?) and it would be unreasonable for him to act as if he had. It is entirely reasonable for you to ask him for clarification.

The trouble with micro-managing someone else is that it's nearly impossible to plan for all eventualities. Though this is a very simple case and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to suspect that "touching yourself" might be interpreted as "go for the gold, baby, and come as hard and as often as you want" because, well, because we're all pretty damned human, it's a weak attempt at micro-management that failed for all the usual reasons.

DAMHIKT

 

[yourwickedthing]

Thank you, guys. So helpful Really appreciate it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Now that im not drive-by-posting -

I'm really really not a smart ass; my style leans more towards "submissives, submit". However... Given the lack of specificity in the origional instructions were so terribly UNspecific, I'd be tempted to contact him after touching my nose. My earlobe. My elbow. My knee.

In my world, control requires clarity.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

In my brainbook, orgasm requires specific permission, and is always articulated. Touching oneself is something less. No, he didn't spell that out, but it's a delectable way to start setting parameters: come, and he can chastise you ("who told you to fucking orgasm??"). Don't come, and he can praise you for being a good girl and doing only as much as he gave you permission for.

Sure, specificity prevents angst and uncertainty.

But what fun is that?

 

[LallyH]

If I were you, I'd err on the side of caution and not assume the order meant anything more than just touching. It seems a bit unfair if you're not allowed to contact him even to ask for clarification though, particularly if this is new between you.

It has been known that failure to request clarification if confused can be another mistake...

 

[Oubliette123]

In my brainbook, orgasm requires specific permission, and is always articulated. Touching oneself is something less. No, he didn't spell that out, but it's a delectable way to start setting parameters: come, and he can chastise you ("who told you to fucking orgasm??"). Don't come, and he can praise you for being a good girl and doing only as much as he gave you permission for.

Sure, specificity prevents angst and uncertainty.

But what fun is that?

I tend to agree with what DGE has said. Was perhaps the vagueness of the command to create mind fuckery? He is also learning about you, and this could be his way of getting to know how your mind works.

Of course, he could have just assumed you will know what he meant, in which case what's the worst that can happen if you ask him for clarification?

 

[CrimsonDom]

my pet

My pet learned very early and quickly that if I did not say she could orgasm then she had better not. She also learned if I was not clear with my directions she could ask me to clarify but if there was to be no contact then she was only allowed to ask for clarification and that was it

 

[welkin]

Regarding DGE's point, it's a very meh thing for me. It really really depends on the person. Maybe you don't like mindfucks, or maybe you don't like a particular kind of mindfuck.

In the scenario where you come and are chastised for something he didn't explicitly forbid... If you are resentful because you think it's unfair, then tell him to clarify next time. If you're secretly pleased to be disciplined, then suffer in silence.

Relationships including D/s ones are just what you make it to be.

 

[redslave]

I'm about to sound really dumb but I'd rather make an ass out of myself here than in front of Sir.

I've only just begun my first BDSM relationship. My brand-spanking new Dom (ha) gave me instructions today that involved me touching myself. I wasn't to contact him until I completed my list of tasks.

The problem is, we're still in the beginning stage and I have a very big feeling he's testing me. He didn't explicitly state I could orgasm. While I know that "touching yourself" pretty much implies the whole shebang, I also don't like presuming anything with him. Yet I was afraid to contact him and ask him to clarify because A.) I feel stupid and B.) that would be outright disobeying one command to just make sure I wasn't disobeying another. And I really, really, really don't want him to think I'm stupid . I've written and rewritten a message to him explaining this mindfuck I've been having but...

UGH I am such an overthinker!

I was hoping that you more experienced subs out there (and Doms) could offer your opinion.

maybe it would be wise to complete as much of the list as possible and then contact him and explain the situation and ask for more clarity on the things that are confussing you. hope that helps. x

 

[desertslave]

Vague with the risk/potential of being tripped up and made "wrong" annoys the ever-lovin' outta me.

IMO ask for clarification. OTOH, sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. It all depends on the depth of the relationship and the individual dynamics. If getting in trouble is part of your gig, play with it. If absolute obedience ranks higher, back to asking for clarification.

Communication...tiresome but so darned necessary.