Opinions please ?

[SilkVelvet]

deleted

 

[lark sparrow]

Only one way to find out for sure...



ASK HIM

 

[SilkVelvet]

deleted

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

<snip>Said he would take me to lunch and talk to me abt it all then, doesnt want to see me get taken advantage of, sez lots of weirdos on net..wanted me to promise not to do more than lurk so I did..

this kind of behavior always sends up a red flag for me, IMO

Then got cryptic email.. consider yourself on a long leash..

Um is he staking a claim ?

Velvet < confused now
edited to say I do trust him but is he meaning he wants to be my Dom ?

You wanted opinions...

I'm with LS. Ask him. Communication is a vital part of any D/s relationship. You say you trust him, i understand nerves, but there truly is only one way to find out. You do know, dear Silk, that you can educate yourself to a certain point right here, right? That your submission is a GIFT that is YOURS to give, not someones to take, and you are not obligated to be on anyone's leash just because it was typed in an email?

Take care on your journey

~anelize

 

[MissTaken]

If he is sincerely interested in your well being, he will be more than willing to answer your question.

At which point, if he says, "yes, I am staking a claim," you have the right and responsibility to decide whether or not you are ready to be staked!



Welcome aboard!

 

[lark sparrow]

wanted me to promise not to do more than lurk so I did..

Then got cryptic email.. consider yourself on a long leash..

With the info you have presented, my guess (and hope) would be that he is offering to share knowledge he feels you would benefit from before rushing headlong into the world of BDSM - not laying claim to you as his submissive. Perhaps he was simply saying "consider yourself on a long leash" now that you have promised to do no more than lurk. However, this should not include strict control, but advice and guidance, Imo. Claims normally involve much communication and mutual understanding/agreement.

OMG that yearning to be safe and secure and submissive to a man I can trust completely is what I have looked for all my life

Also, I too would encourage you to educate yourself. While being safe, secure and submissive to a man can occur in BDSM it has nearly as much liklihood occuring in a vanilla relationship - trust and communication are a part of all relationships, kinky folks haven't cornered the market on it nor perfected it. BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadomasochism. Good luck in your exploration.

 

[s'lara]

<snip>

Then got cryptic email.. consider yourself on a long leash..

Um is he staking a claim ?

Velvet < confused now
edited to say I do trust him but is he meaning he wants to be my Dom ?

While it is never a good thing to read too much into something without asking first, lets look at the situation:

- You confess to a friend who has experience in the lifestyle that you are intrigued by it all ... specifically the submissive/slave/bottom aspect of the life.

- Your friend advises you to be careful (which is what a friend should do) and to lurk without getting involved. In of itself, this does not necessarily mean he is keeping you from Anyone; if he wanted that, he would have told you not to come back.

- Your friend sends a message that says "consider yourself on a long leash."

With all of the foregoing laid out, i think he is testing your waters. Saying someone is on a leash implies control. There is no other way to interpret "you are on a leash."

That said, being direct with him and asking exactly what he meant is a good idea. If he is offering guidance, i think that is great. However, your well being is priority and you should keep that in mind. Remember, information is power so asking him what he meant is a smart move. Good luck on your exploration and proceed at your pace and with caution. *smiles*

 

[FungiUg]

Okay, cofessions from a Dom time.

I know when I meet with someone cute who wants me to dominate her, it is incredibly tempting, and it's hard for me to restrain myself to do it right. To make sure that the submissive knows what she is getting into, isn't "swamped", and is making an educated choice.

I suspect your friend is the same. He's making sure you know what you will be getting into (yay!), and at the same time he's letting you know he will be watching out for you, and is showing some "interest". I suspect the wording is both a joke, and to make you think (as you have been.) Dominants are known to tease.

I also suspect he couldn't, er, restrain himself from saying it. It is so hard not to take advantage of a submissive who is confessing her urges...

Pulls out his flogger and starts flagellating himself...

 

[psiberzerker]

The question is, how much do you trust him? Not only are good Ds relationships based on trust, but are you taking his word for his experience? I'd have to read the E-mail to be sure, but an experienced Dom wouldn't be whipping out the leash referrances untill he's sure that You're interested in him, instead of the Ds relationship.
This may sound sexist, but I often do. Guys will say anything to get into a girl's pants. That may not be the case here, he might be a man, instead of just a guy, but here's the rub. They all look alike. Males, whether men, or just guys are pretty much alike physicly, and the guys will often act like men to get some. Every guy has fantasies about dominating women, it's one of the things that makes them guys. If you show interest to one, he'll say he's experienced to get that way.
I'd find out the score before I jump into a relationship with him. If you have't known him long, get to know him better. If you have, then how come he hasn't shown any of this? I know, it's embarrasing, but sometimes there's things you can look for. Alls I'm saying is, be sure. THis could be the best thing that happens to your sex, and love life, or one of the worst. DOn't find out the easy way, if it's the latter, you are literally, and figuratively fucked.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm going to go with teh obvious....he is interested, but not making a solid claim on you. He's letting you know his interest, in a half-flirting, half serious way...



...just ask him already!!

 

[Shadowsdream]

The question is, how much do you trust him? Not only are good Ds relationships based on trust, but are you taking his word for his experience? I'd have to read the E-mail to be sure, but an experienced Dom wouldn't be whipping out the leash referrances untill he's sure that You're interested in him, instead of the Ds relationship.
This may sound sexist, but I often do. Guys will say anything to get into a girl's pants. That may not be the case here, he might be a man, instead of just a guy, but here's the rub. They all look alike. Males, whether men, or just guys are pretty much alike physicly, and the guys will often act like men to get some. Every guy has fantasies about dominating women, it's one of the things that makes them guys. If you show interest to one, he'll say he's experienced to get that way.
I'd find out the score before I jump into a relationship with him. If you have't known him long, get to know him better. If you have, then how come he hasn't shown any of this? I know, it's embarrasing, but sometimes there's things you can look for. Alls I'm saying is, be sure. THis could be the best thing that happens to your sex, and love life, or one of the worst. DOn't find out the easy way, if it's the latter, you are literally, and figuratively fucked.

I think this post should be looked at very carefully...it says it all...walk slowly...if the facts you have presented are as you have presented them...I am a little uneasy with the *I am knowledgable...you are on a long leash* attitude..joke or no joke!

 

[Arden]

I see the wisdom in psiberzerker's statement, and I am in agreement with Shadowsdream.

I think that he is very premature in talking to you about giving you a long leash. And, in my own opinion, I also see it as him wanting to get his hands on you as a novice, before you know better.

You stated that it's only been a few weeks since you recognized your yearnings "to be safe and secure and submissive to a man I can trust completely" after finding a BDSM story by accident.

Then, you said: "Turns out he is pretty much experienced in bdsm and I never knew. Said he would take me to lunch and talk to me abt it all then, doesnt want to see me get taken advantage of, sez lots of weirdos on net..wanted me to promise not to do more than lurk so I did..

Then got cryptic email.. consider yourself on a long leash..

Um is he staking a claim ? "

He has no business staking any claim, unless YOU want him to. Unless you have ALL of the knowledge that you need to enter a BDSM relationship, and feel both comfortable and confident in making that decision.

You need to know that there are also many weirdos out there that know exactly how to manipulate someone new to BDSM. Manipulation is part of the D/s game. If you want it, and are in a position to give your informed consent, that's wonderful. Just be aware that some might take advantage of your newly found desires, as can happen in any relationship, BDSM or not.

Be careful with your heart, body and soul. If you get burned by your first BDSM experience, the wounds will take a long time to heal. You need to truly know what your wants and needs are before entering any relationship. As stated earlier by others, spend some time reading threads at the library here. You will find a wealth of information that may aid you in making an informed decision.

Take Care...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Let me add a little something...


My very first BDSM experience was horrible, and actually affected the way I related to ALL of my sexual partners for almost a decade....go slow, be careful, and don't be in any hurry to jump into anything!!

 

[SilkVelvet]

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[MissTaken]

Well, it sounds like you figured out what you want, that feeling of safety in submission.

Now, to figure out how to get that?

That can be a bit difficult. How can you get what you need if you aren't sure what it is? Yes, read, learn and talk through it.

Take it slowly.

*hugs*

 

[SilkVelvet]

deleted

 

[Ebonyfire]

Turns out he is pretty much experienced in bdsm and I never knew. Said he would take me to lunch and talk to me abt it all then, doesnt want to see me get taken advantage of, sez lots of weirdos on net..wanted me to promise not to do more than lurk so I did..

Then got cryptic email.. consider yourself on a long leash..

Um is he staking a claim ?

You did not say how long you knew your Dom friend. Although it may be true that there are weirdos on the net, there are also weirdos in real life too.

I am assuming you are an adult, and that the promise he extracted from you means you are not allowed to speak to other Doms? This is not usually done unless you are in some type of relationship. I would suggest you do some reading and finding out about this lifestyle so that you can determine if your friend knows what he is talking about too. Most Dom/mes do not mind a potential sub doing some research or even speaking to other Doms.

Dom/mes do not "stalk claims". Have you asked for a more formal arrangement with him or are you two just talking? I do not forbid any submissives I am talking with to talk to others. Talking to others can give them a feeling for the differences dominants may have.

So I think you need to write down a bunch of questions to ask your friend, and find out just what the nature of your relationship is to be. That is reasonable.

Good luck to you.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think this post should be looked at very carefully...it says it all...walk slowly...if the facts you have presented are as you have presented them...I am a little uneasy with the *I am knowledgable...you are on a long leash* attitude..joke or no joke!

I agree. I am always leery of a Dom who uses scare tactics (I do not want you to be taken advantage of", "there are weirdos on the net". And I find that exacting a promise from you to "only lurk" smacks of a form of control that is unwarranted.

 

[FungiUg]

Pulls out disection knives.

The way I read it, this guy was trying to do what we are all doing: preventing the enthusiastic newbie throwing herself at the first available Dom.

From what SilkVelvet said, he didn't extract any promises other than "don't do more than lurk." Which, when you think about it, would include with him.

He's obviously enough of a friend and confidant that she felt okay about opening up to him about it, so I think there's already a level of trust established there.

At the same time, she's self aware enough that she's looking out for her own interests, hence her reaction to his odd comment.

I'd say it sounds like a good combination. He's not trying to be a wierdo, just look out for her (although I also think he's showing signs of interest.) She's thinking about it enough not to dive headfirst at the first Dom that comes along.

So... this is a good place to lurk! And I guess we'll all wait to hear what the results of the talk are.

Completes disection.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

It's a very interesting thing seeing the male and female points of view of this whole subject, both Dom/me and sub. Not that we've had any male subs weigh in....

*smiles*

~anelize, "being all analytical and sh*t"

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hmmm....if they are already friends, this isn't too creepy. He could just be telling her that he is looking out for her, right?

 

[MissTaken]

Hmmm....if they are already friends, this isn't too creepy. He could just be telling her that he is looking out for her, right?

Could be!

Perhaps why the issue is worth further discussion.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Could be!

Perhaps why the issue is worth further discussion.

Hmmmm.....


*taps foot impatiently, waits for more input from SilkVelvet*

 

[Richard49]

From the brief information the poster provided
one would have to be a mind reader to truly answer
the question...... or prehaps I missed something

I have read all the responses ... all the suggestions are excellent within there own right ........

Here are some questions I have
1) How long have you know him?

2) How well have you know him that you got no hint of his involment in "something"

3) Had you had the lunch with him before that email?

4) are you both single and available?

5) How long and how much experence in BDSM D/s does he have?

If you are asking is there a universal meaning to telling someone you are putting them on a "long leash".... no.

 

[Pure]

Hi Silk Velvet,

Since Anelize noted the main presence of males who are doms, here is another view, though I confess John M and Psiberzerker seem on the money.

There is, unfortunately, no way to 'research' this, as some have suggested. That's a bit like a teen reading a sex manual in the hope of telling whether she should have sex with a particular person.

Statements from those on the 'net have to be taken with a grain of salt, esp. male sex-volunteers. "You say you're horny.... perhaps I can be of assistance.... and watch out for those randy 'net imposters!".

It is unknown what his SM background is, unless you can talk to reliable others. Even were it the case that he 'dominated' X many people, one would have to know a lot more. Using the analogy again, just because a guy says, "I've fucked 30 women, so I can help you, Little One" is not a guarantee of a good time.

On the plus side, perhaps, he's warned you, though the problem is the old one "Don't trust what any man says... except for me of course.""

As to the 'cryptic' statement, I agree with FU. It's hard for many self-said dom/mes to resist an apparent opportunity.

Overall, I'd agree with those stressing the building of trust: for instance, how many things about him have you been told which can be verified. Do you have a phone number? Do you _know_ his name? (small question that many ask before sex).

Best,
J.