Opinions on a story?

[PennLady]

I just posted a story, In the Red Parlor, and wouldn't mind some opinions. Once again, I'm amused that a story that is in fact about the sex is my lowest rated. I can't tell if this is due to miscategorization, lack of originality or whatever.

The story was an exercise/experiment, to see if could use all the "naughty words" that I generally don't. I doubt I'll write a bunch like this but it was an interesting change.

 

[kuellar]

First of all, I applaud your decision to give this a try. I think it's great to do this kind of experiment - it can't hurt to try writing in a different genre or style, and there's usually something to be gained from the experience

I realise this is more of a "scene" than a "story" in the typical sense, and lacks the usual focus on characters and plot. From that perspective, if there's one thing that struck me, it's that the scene appears to be told from Sadie's point of view, but a lot of the descriptions seem a little clinical.

For example, something like: "Sadie was surprised to find she wished one hand would go between her legs." It sounds odd. It doesn't have the impact that I think it should. She's experiencing something pretty significant - perspectives changing, horizons broadening, curiosity both slaked and intensified, all that sort of thing... "surprised to find" just doesn't seem enough.

Another example: when the other man is brought in, the description that follows seems, again, very matter-of-fact. I think it would help if you picked out little details of the scene and describe them through Sadie's eyes, rather than only broadly describing what's happening.

As for the low votes, it could be that people are used to a particular style from you, and this is too different. Or something else, it's pretty much impossible to say for certain. But I wouldn't worry about that.

Overall, I think you did a great job for something outside your "comfort zone". And I don't mean to sound condescending... I myself have much to learn in this regard!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think kuellar makes some good points and I broadly agree.

You're experimenting with a 'stroke' vignette but don't dwell on the senses, the rise and fall of passion, the 'down and dirty' details. I'm no expert, but it seems the stroke stories that are well received concentrate much more with building and describing the action. The vocabulary is important but is ancillary. Here you seem to be hoping the words alone will carry the erotic message. Just like with character and plot in Romance, readers need to empathize with the players and you, perhaps, use too many characters in a 'scene' to let that happen.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Your overall scores are very high. When I read the story, your rating on the story was 4.13, which many of the authors on the site can only dream about achieving. 4.13 is a very respectable rating.

The story itself is pretty good. Sure, you could have added a lot of things for a higher score, but, for a first attempt at pure porn, I think you should be happy. Plus - you are getting quite a few hits.

Good luck in your future writings, and if you want a few pointers on what the "strokers" are looking for, send me a PM, and I'll give you a few suggestions.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks

Hi.

I appreciate all of the feedback. I think, should I do this again, I'll have to make more of a story out of it.

I don't think I was hoping the words would carry the day; it's so awkward trying to explain what I was doing. I was trying to write something outside my usual zone, using vocabulary I don't use/avoid, and see if I could turn something decent out. I think I did, but that's not to say it can't stand improvement.

Thanks again!