Opinions needed if you have time.

[Last_Kiss]

Untitled right now.

I smell peaches and smoke
mixed together and run through
the house frantically, heart
beating rapidly with two
smoke detectors going off, close
the windows and beat them off
the walls with a long broom
so neighbors won't hear on this
beautiful warm Spring day, found
my child in the bathroom, sitting
on the corner of the bathtub, who
lit toilet paper on fire after
lighting the peach candle on the
windowsill, and she didn't even have
the excuse of using the toilet.

The problem (I believe) in this poem is in the 6th and 7th line. It could sound as if I'm beating the windows off the walls with a long broom when in fact I'm beating the alarms. I'd also like to add some noise to the piece but feel it's long as it is. What do you think? Did it work for you? Do you think the humor at the end was too much or not needed? All feedback welcome. Thanks!

 

[RhymeFairy]

Hmmm, just an opinion, and you know what those are like. * grins

I smell peaches
and smoke mixed together.
Frantically I run
through the house, heart
beating rapidly. Two smoke
detectors going off.
Close
the windows and beat
them off the walls,
with a long broom, so neighbors
won't hear
on this beautiful
warm Spring day. I found
my child in the bathroom,
sitting
on the corner of the bathtub,
who lit
toilet paper on fire
after lighting the peach
candle on the windowsill.
She didn't even have
the excuse
of using the toilet.

~~~~


I did a bit of formatting, and word rearranging. BUT,

I think the telling would be better if you chose a picture in your mind and went from there. I have been told sooooo often. * Do not tell me ... show me * I understand what your saying here, just wish you could be a lil more descriptive and not so telling. Kinda feels as if you are telling a story. I ( like you) think you should do something with the broom and wall imagery.

I too have been in this position where my child got hold of a lighter. I can tell ya there is nothing in my mind as scary ( well maybe a few things, that's another story ... blah blah blah right, lol ).

I am not trying to hurt feelings, or say it is not good. Just trying to help. There are many, many others here who are better. I am no teacher, just a student ... of life ~

 

[wildsweetone]

Untitled right now.

I smell peaches and smoke
mixed together and run through
the house frantically, heart
beating rapidly with two
smoke detectors going off, close
the windows and beat them off
the walls with a long broom
so neighbors won't hear on this
beautiful warm Spring day, found
my child in the bathroom, sitting
on the corner of the bathtub, who
lit toilet paper on fire after
lighting the peach candle on the
windowsill, and she didn't even have
the excuse of using the toilet.

The problem (I believe) in this poem is in the 6th and 7th line. I would like to add the noise of the fire alarms going off but I don't know where to fit it. I already feels it's long. It could read two ways but what I'm trying to say is that I'm beating the fire alarms off the walls and that's why I closed the windows. I didn't want the neighbors to hear the beeping noise, not the beating of the broom to the alarms. I couldn't help but add humor to the last line. I didn't add much emotion on purpose. How does the poem work for you? Do you agree? Anymore issues? Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

Hi Last_Kiss and welcome to the poetry forum. this is a great place to come and learn how to improve poetry writing.

the poem, as a poem, doesn't work for me as i feel it reads more like prose than poetry. the editing is going to be great fun though. *smile* hmm... how about pulling out the 'focus' words and seeing if you can write a poem around them leaving any extraneous words behind.

you don't need to add the noise of the alarms as the phrase 'two
smoke detectors going off' already puts in my head the racket the smoke alarms make - it's a strong image as i can not only see the detectors but i can also hear them (unfortunately lol ).

i hope some of this helps.

 

[Last_Kiss]

I smell peaches
and smoke mixed together.
Frantically I run
through the house, heart
beating rapidly. Two smoke
detectors going off.
Close
the windows and beat
them off the walls,
with a long broom, so neighbors
won't hear
on this beautiful
warm Spring day. I found
my child in the bathroom,
sitting
on the corner of the bathtub,
who lit
toilet paper on fire
after lighting the peach
candle on the windowsill.
She didn't even have
the excuse
of using the toilet.

~~~~


I did a bit of formatting, and word rearranging. BUT,

I think the telling would be better if you chose a picture in your mind and went from there. I have been told sooooo often. * Do not tell me ... show me * I understand what your saying here, just wish you could be a lil more descriptive and not so telling. Kinda feels as if you are telling a story. I ( like you) think you should do something with the broom and wall imagery.

I too have been in this position where my child got hold of a lighter. I can tell ya there is nothing in my mind as scary ( well maybe a few things, that's another story ... blah blah blah right, lol ).

I am not trying to hurt feelings, or say it is not good. Just trying to help. There are many, many others here who are better. I am no teacher, just a student ... of life ~

This is good and I understand what you're saying. That's why I wanted to add the noise, so to speak. I want the reader to HEAR my banging those darn noisy things. Beep, beep, beep, beep - you want to punch them sometimes when they're going off when cooking a meal or shall I say, burning a meal. LOL!

I like what you did here. It doesn't sound so out of breath when reading because you ended the sentences and added the proper punctuation.


Thank you. Anyone else?

 

[Last_Kiss]

Hi Last_Kiss and welcome to the poetry forum. this is a great place to come and learn how to improve poetry writing.

the poem, as a poem, doesn't work for me as i feel it reads more like prose than poetry. the editing is going to be great fun though. *smile* hmm... how about pulling out the 'focus' words and seeing if you can write a poem around them leaving any extraneous words behind.

you don't need to add the noise of the alarms as the phrase 'two
smoke detectors going off' already puts in my head the racket the smoke alarms make - it's a strong image as i can not only see the detectors but i can also hear them (unfortunately lol ).

i hope some of this helps.

I see. Prose is moreso story telling, is that correct? Are you trying to say to chop it up a bit? Maybe use some stronger detail?

 

[WickedEve]

I like the poem, and I played with--only played. Lots you could do with this one.


I smell peaches
and smoke as I run through the house,
frantic. Two detectors.
How alarming! Close my windows,
swing my broom
so neighbors will never hear them

on this beautiful, warm,
Spring day. In the bathroom,
my child sits on the tub.
Toilet paper.
She lit it
after lighting the peach candle,
and she didn't even have the excuse
of using the toilet.


As far as RF feedback, don't make your poem quite that choppy, or end a line with "have." And there is usually a reason for line breaks. For example, in line two I put smoke with run through the house, because it's an indirect reason for the running.

 

[wildsweetone]

yes i'm saying try both... do something to make it sound poetic.

maybe... chop out the words that don't move the poem forward...

i love your first line 'I smell peaches and smoke' make sure you keep it in the poem.

here are some main ideas from your poem...

heart beating rapidly
smoke detectors
close the windows
beat them off the walls
with a long broom
so neighbors won't hear
Spring day,
found my child
in the bathroom,
toilet paper on fire
after lighting the peach candle
[no] excuse of using the toilet

can you play with them more, maybe twist some around.., maybe change the order of the lines... just play okay? see what you can come up with...

by playing like this, you might free up your mind a little from the 'storyline' and just enjoy playing with the words.

i'm no expert by the way. i'm still learning about poetry writing, myself. but i swear to you there is fun in playing with the words. don't ever be frightened to try it - simply make sure you keep your original intact and safe and you can always go back to it.

 

[RhymeFairy]

I like the poem, and I played with--only played. Lots you could do with this one.


I smell peaches
and smoke as I run through the house,
frantic. Two detectors.
How alarming! Close my windows,
swing my broom
so neighbors will never hear them

on this beautiful, warm,
Spring day. In the bathroom,
my child sits on the tub.
Toilet paper.
She lit it
after lighting the peach candle,
and she didn't even have the excuse
of using the toilet.


As far as RF feedback, don't make your poem quite that choppy, or end a line with "have." And there is usually a reason for line breaks. For example, in line two I put smoke with run through the house, because it's an indirect reason for the running.

Gotcha, Thanks Wicked.

I knew it was not quiet perfect ( my version ),
and I only played a bit, but I like your version better. imho~

I had tried explaining the line breaks to Art last week. I know I am no expert, and there is a lot to the grammar and punctuation. " rules rules" sigh*
I found a lot in my poetry dict. and it was way too much to write, lol.
Lazy me eh ~
Thank you for clearing that up for me.

Like I said .. still learning.

 

[Last_Kiss]

I like the poem, and I played with--only played. Lots you could do with this one.


I smell peaches
and smoke as I run through the house,
frantic. Two detectors.
How alarming! Close my windows,
swing my broom
so neighbors will never hear them

on this beautiful, warm,
Spring day. In the bathroom,
my child sits on the tub.
Toilet paper.
She lit it
after lighting the peach candle,
and she didn't even have the excuse
of using the toilet.


As far as RF feedback, don't make your poem quite that choppy, or end a line with "have." And there is usually a reason for line breaks. For example, in line two I put smoke with run through the house, because it's an indirect reason for the running.

It's getting better. Thank you! Also, thank you to wildsweetone for the advice.

I like how you broke this up, WickedEve. I also like longer lines in free verse poetry.

I smell peaches
and smoke as I run through the house,
frantic. Two detectors.
How alarming! Close my windows,
swing my broom
so neighbors will never hear them

When I read these lines, I chuckled. "How alarming!" It sounded like a mother for sure!! Then I read "swing my broom" I bursted out laughing. I can SO imagine this. I repeatedly swung my broom beating the crap of the alarms. LOL! I hate those things. This isn't a true story but I sure wish I had a vent in my kitchen when I cooked because my fire alarm always goes off. I swear I never burn my meals.

 

[WickedEve]

Gotcha, Thanks Wicked.

I knew it was not quiet perfect ( my version ),
and I only played a bit, but I like your version better. imho~

I had tried explaining the line breaks to Art last week. I know I am no expert, and there is a lot to the grammar and punctuation. " rules rules" sigh*
I found a lot in my poetry dict. and it was way too much to write, lol.
Lazy me eh ~
Thank you for clearing that up for me.

Like I said .. still learning.

You write some good poems, RF. Line breaks can be a bitch. Once in awhile I'll have a poem, and I'll change my line breaks so many times that I ruin the poem.

 

[WickedEve]

yes i'm saying try both... do something to make it sound poetic.

maybe... chop out the words that don't move the poem forward...

i love your first line 'I smell peaches and smoke' make sure you keep it in the poem.

here are some main ideas from your poem...

heart beating rapidly
smoke detectors
close the windows
beat them off the walls
with a long broom
so neighbors won't hear
Spring day,
found my child
in the bathroom,
toilet paper on fire
after lighting the peach candle
[no] excuse of using the toilet

can you play with them more, maybe twist some around.., maybe change the order of the lines... just play okay? see what you can come up with...

by playing like this, you might free up your mind a little from the 'storyline' and just enjoy playing with the words.

i'm no expert by the way. i'm still learning about poetry writing, myself. but i swear to you there is fun in playing with the words. don't ever be frightened to try it - simply make sure you keep your original intact and safe and you can always go back to it.

Good revision. You really cut out the fat! Much more poetic.

 

[WickedEve]

It's getting better. Thank you! Also, thank you to wildsweetone for the advice.

I like how you broke this up, WickedEve. I also like longer lines in free verse poetry.

I smell peaches
and smoke as I run through the house,
frantic. Two detectors.
How alarming! Close my windows,
swing my broom
so neighbors will never hear them

When I read these lines, I chuckled. "How alarming!" It sounded like a mother for sure!! Then I read "swing my broom" I bursted out laughing. I can SO imagine this. I repeatedly swung my broom beating the crap of the alarms. LOL! I hate those things. This isn't a true story but I sure wish I had a vent in my kitchen when I cooked because my fire alarm always goes off. I swear I never burn my meals.

Keep playing with it. Look at how all of us found different ways to use line breaks, and how we cut out a word here and there.
Two days ago, dinner was burning (again) and my 6-year-old ran through the house screaming, "Stop! Drop! And Roll!"
My smoke detector didn't go off, though. I kind of beat it off the ceiling lat year.

 

[Last_Kiss]

Keep playing with it. Look at how all of us found different ways to use line breaks, and how we cut out a word here and there.
Two days ago, dinner was burning (again) and my 6-year-old ran through the house screaming, "Stop! Drop! And Roll!"
My smoke detector didn't go off, though. I kind of beat it off the ceiling lat year.

ROFL! I can't say my six year old knew about "Stop, drop, and roll" at that age. Good goin'!

My mother doesn't even own a fire alarm. She's been without one for more than ten years. Maybe I'll buy her a REAL sensitive one for her birthday for all the drillings about having these annoying things when I moved out and started a family. I never said this but she burns meals. God bless her. lol!

I'm going to go play with this poem and see what I can come up with. If anyone else has anymore ideas, don't be afraid to rip it apart. I appreciate the help.

 

[Last_Kiss]

Ok. I switched things around a bit. It's probably too soon but what do you think?


I smell peaches and smoke
and run through the house,
frantic. My heart beats rapid
as smoke fills the room and I
swing my broom repeatedly
on the alarming smoke detector,
and beat it off the wall so the
neighbors wont hear it.

(Over or on the alarming smoke detector. I'm not sure about this line.)

A warm Spring day, my daughter
sits on the corner of the bathtub,
watches the toilet paper on fire
she lit and threw in the trashcan
after lighting the peach candle
on the windowsill, and she didn't
even have the excuse
of using the toilet.

___________________

Another change of style and added a few words:

I smell peaches and smoke
and run through the house
frantic. My heart beats rapid
as smoke fills the room
and I swing my broom repeatedly
over the alarming
smoke detector and beat it
off the wall in seconds
so the neighbors wont hear it.

A beautiful, warm Spring day,
my daughter sits on the corner
of the bathtub, watches
the toilet paper on fire
she lit and threw in the trashcan
after lighting the peach candle
on the windowsill and she didn't
even have the excuse
of using the toilet.

 

[wildsweetone]

Good revision. You really cut out the fat! Much more poetic.

hey all i did was take out the extra words... all the rest are in the same order that they appeared in the original poem (except the word 'no' that i bracketed)... could this be called a 'found poem'? lol

Another change of style and added a few words:

I smell peaches and smoke
and run through the house
frantic. My heart beats rapid
as smoke fills the room
and I swing my broom repeatedly
over the alarming
smoke detector and beat it
off the wall in seconds
so the neighbors wont hear it.

A beautiful, warm Spring day,
my daughter sits on the corner
of the bathtub, watches
the toilet paper on fire
she lit and threw in the trashcan
after lighting the peach candle
on the windowsill and she didn't
even have the excuse
of using the toilet.

little bit at a time... see where you end the two lines with 'it'. in this instance to me, 'it' is not an important focus word. what could you put at the line end instead that will give impact?

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Keep playing with it. Look at how all of us found different ways to use line breaks, and how we cut out a word here and there.

different ways confuse some people here, doesn't it?