Opinions, critiques, etc.

[Everyday_Man]

So I believe my story has about ran it's course on the New Story page and now (that that's done) I'll take any feedback I can from the forum cats.

The first lesson I learned was this: Proof-reading requires more than a one time read-through and random paragraph checks. I will be more thorough in the future, but it just seems like work. No excuse, I know.

It's in the category of incest, but for those who don't dig that, there isn't any family/family penetration scenes.

Anyway, thanks for any critiques you might find. I'm doing this after it's been out a while because I was hoping mostly for comments in the comment section, some made sense, some were quite rude for no reason and some were what they were.

Edit: a link would be nice of me ....

https://www.literotica.com/s/too-close

 

[lovecraft68]

Well first of all its a shame to see this story scoring barely over 4 because the thing deserves a damn 6 stars.

As for any negative, all I saw was what you mentioned, typos, some missing commas, missing words once or twice. So I'm not going to say anything else, especially seeing you already admitted you need to take more time proofreading

My suggestion is to finish, let it sit a week so its not as fresh in your mind then give it another once over, meantime see if you can find a second pair of eyes. If your significant other is okay with the material, read it aloud to them you will catch a lot of mistakes

The reason for the lower score and mixed comments is of course the mother/son do not have sex. So to some of the readers here it does not deliver.

But those readers are most likely one handed ones and they are looking for thair taboo fix, in this case it doesn't fill their needs because there is no sex, they are the shallower end of the reader pool in that category, not saying that in a bad way, its just this story is not what they want.

But to the other faction, those of us who want more than "mom's hot, why the hell not?" this story is fucking amazing.

Seriously, this was so well done I'm goddamn jealous. I haven't pulled anything like this off since Mother's Sacrifice three years ago.

The conflict is superb, what I feel it would be in real life, guilt over the feelings, but unable to avoid the feelings, the dark back story....just makes this so much better, shows why their is so much conflict on mom's part, even more than there normally would be.

This reminds me of my SWB series in the sense that these broken family members are heading towards the realization, they could only ultimately be happy together.

But the fact they are not there yet, and you are sticking with the plausible feelings of "I can't, I shouldn't" for an entire chapter is fantastic.

Because what the stroker crowd doesn't understand is just how much fucking hotter the "action" will be when you've built it to this degree.

The son getting off on the sleeping mother is a very over used cliche(Guilty here) but damn you made it hot.

But mom's conflict....that's what drives this and being a fan of darker incest stories the dad back story adds a lot.

This thing rocked, eager to see where it goes.

Don't let the haters get you down, don't try to rush the action to satisfy them, you're writing this thing your way and there are many readers out there like me who appreciate that.

SO far....this has the potential to be the best Mother/son story I've read.

If you get a chance check this out sometime.

https://www.literotica.com/s/beyond-the-borderline

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

"She was dressed in a thin blue robe that dropped down to her knees and was sipping from a cup of coffee."

Too funny.

 

[Everyday_Man]

Craft ... with that kind of praise, I wished I would have finished it already. ... I figured the score was more about the 'meat' not being served, a few comments were like that, so ... you know, I didn't mind. I really was hoping for more comments then then the 10 I got, oh well.

But umm, thanks ... I appreciate all you said. No pressure.

No, I don't have anyone to share these kind of stories with, it's all me.

Edit: I'll read that story you posted and mentioned ... I'll hit your link, but I think I hit a trojan the other day randomly trusting links on this site (took a bit to get rid of it) .... random thought, how many people think about that?


Edit: Unneeded Question.

 

[lovecraft68]

Craft ... with that kind of praise, I wished I would have finished it already. ... I figured the score was more about the 'meat' not being served, a few comments were like that, so ... you know, I didn't mind. I really was hoping for more comments then then the 10 I got, oh well.

But umm, thanks ... I appreciate all you said.

No, I don't have anyone to share these kind of stories with, it's all me.

Edit: I'll read that story you posted and mentioned ... I'll hit your link, but I think I hit a trojan the other day randomly trusting links on this site (took a bit to get rid of it) .... random thought, how many people think about that?


James ... funny how? I know you're hardcore, old dick style? ... was that out of place?

JBJ likes those types of examples...he is saying it appears the dress was sipping the cup of coffee.

Technically he may be right, but the human mind automatically corrects things like that as we read and its not confusing.

 

[Everyday_Man]

unneeded post.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Doesn't matter how I do it, HERE no one much likes the messenger. So, your sentence eats shit. YOU figger it out and the discovery might stick in your head.

HINT: Robes may be drowned in coffee but few sip it.

 

[Everyday_Man]

Oh god, thank's grandpa, I'll learn the hard way.

Oh, and if you don't want to help, why respond to a thread asking for help?

Better ways to spend your last few minutes on this earth than not helping people.

 

[Everyday_Man]

HINT: Robes may be drowned in coffee but few sip it.

Oh, yeah, I get it now ... and while my understanding of writing will improve, you'll forever be a jackass.

One of those passive aggressive jack asses, you got things to teach, but no one will want to learn them from you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Oh, yeah, I get it now ... and while my understanding of writing will improve, you'll forever be a jackass.

One of those passive aggressive jack asses, you got things to teach, but no one will want to learn them from you.

I found out what I need to know about you, hot shot, and you learned you suck as a writer. And when you show your story to your ma, she wont say, WALTER, I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS PART ABOUT THE ROBE SIPPING COFFEE. IS THIS A SCIENCE FICTION TALE?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Oh god, thank's grandpa, I'll learn the hard way.

Oh, and if you don't want to help, why respond to a thread asking for help?

Better ways to spend your last few minutes on this earth than not helping people.

I have my own ways for influencing people. The late psychiatrist, Milton H. Erickson, MD, wrote a whole library of books about how to influence fools to do what any moron knows to do without the drama and whining.

 

[Everyday_Man]

I almost got mad, I almost went to your stories to read them to find the flaws, but then I stopped and realized: You are the flaw James in everything you write. Thanks for turning my 'help' thread into a childish argument.

I'm done here.

Craft was more than helpful and insightful. That I appreciate.

 

[lovecraft68]

Oh, yeah, I get it now ... and while my understanding of writing will improve, you'll forever be a jackass.

One of those passive aggressive jack asses, you got things to teach, but no one will want to learn them from you.

I learned a lot from JB, he gives the information you just have to separate it from the shit he surrounds it with.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I almost got mad, I almost went to your stories to read them to find the flaws, but then I stopped and realized: You are the flaw James in everything you write. Thanks for turning my 'help' thread into a childish argument.

I'm done here.

Craft was more than helpful and insightful. That I appreciate.

Good. Bon voyage. Don't let the door etc.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I learned a lot from JB, he gives the information you just have to separate it from the shit he surrounds it with.

He isn't worth the candle, and needs to check his ego at the door. I even fucked him outta one bombing my trash. Now all know whazzup with him. Kiss his ass or else.

I note how youre still sore with me for not kissing your ass. Fuck you.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because half of the time, I'm muddling through my own work:

On the plot: I like a gradual development, and your story does that well. I loved the mystery with Jack's sister and his Dad. Untold stories and peculiar actions are...intriguing to me as a reader, so a good job on that front!

Your story has achieved a level of...I don't know what to say...mysticism? through your portrayal of emotions and conflict. In the words of my Anatomy teacher - It was fucking brilliant, dude! Very rarely do I get to read such stories, so it was all the more pleasurable to read a story like this.

I feel that you did leave the readers hanging out there. IMO, the story is incomplete but can be developed to something with lots and lots of potential.

So good luck for that.

On Character Development: I can associate with Jack. His emotions are well-written and explainable. You handle a wide cast pretty well, giving each character a separate image. That is a difficult job and not many people can do that.

5/5 for your efforts.

On your writing style:

=> It needs a generous dose of precision and removal of useless words. Here's a sample from your story:

"You're never going to guess what Sammie offered me," I told my mother as I sat down at the kitchen counter to eat a breakfast of frosted flakes.

She was dressed in a thin blue robe that dropped down to her knees and was sipping from a cup of coffee. The smile she offered me was bright and seemed to make her green eyes sparkle. My mother had a lovely smile.

IMO, here's what should've been done to it:

"You're never going to guess what Sammie offered me," I told my mother as I settled down at the kitchen counter for breakfast.

She was dressed in a thin, knee-length blue robe and was sipping from a cup of coffee. The smile she offered me was bright and seemed to make her green eyes sparkle.

My mother had a lovely smile.


Cut down unnecessary words. They don't look good and lessens the impact of an active voice in a story. If you can shorten 10 word something to 4 words, then go for it.

You use "my mother" way too much. Substitute it for a pronoun like "her" in between. The voice feels monotonous to me.

=> When you describe the attributes of a person, and want to express her mood/expression at the same time, make sure you don't mess it up by paying long homages to both of them. It's irritating, at best, and doesn't bode well for me. It feels as if the author wants to travel on two different boats at the same time, with a leg on each, and failing miserably.

Here's a sample:

My mom looked at me, her pretty green eyes going wide.

You could've done away with that "pretty" word. Her shock is somewhat nullified by that extra word in my brain. Lose it, if you can.

=> Another irritating thing is the way you try to insert his mom's (and Sammie's) description every few para. It isn't coming off well for me.

"Is Samantha a psychiatrist?" my mom asked, pursing her full lips; then she shook her head, her dirty blonde hair swishing from side to side, "I love Sammie, but a clean break is best, trust me. Your father and I have been living that kind of life for over three years now. Physically it's satisfying, emotionally it is lonely."

I'd have written the above para like this:

"Is Samantha a psychiatrist?" my mom asked, pursing her full lips; She shook her head, "I love Sammie, but a clean break is best, trust me. Your father and I have been living that kind of life for over three years now. Physically it's satisfying, emotionally it is lonely."

To me, unnecessary words pave the way to a nice, clunky read.



Overall, I feel that this is one heck of a story. I mean, a really, really good one that has ticked almost all of the right boxes. It could be better and there's always room for improvement, but I think that with a bit of more practice, you'll succeed.

Worthy of at least a 4*, if not 5.

Bard.

 

[Everyday_Man]

I see your point. My desire to edit is not one of my strengths ... I looked for errors (Edit: I didn't do that very well) and moved on pretty quickly, not for ways to make the story sharper.

Thank you for the feedback.

 

[robertreams]

"You're never going to guess what Sammie offered me," I told my mother as I sat down at the kitchen counter to eat a breakfast of frosted flakes.

She was dressed in a thin blue robe that dropped down to her knees and was sipping from a cup of coffee. The smile she offered me was bright and seemed to make her green eyes sparkle. My mother had a lovely smile.

"Your Samantha," my mother mused, pursing her lips and narrowing her pretty eyes. "She's going to an Ivy League college and you'll be stuck out west, so I'm guessing...her hand in marriage? You're too young."

I shared a laugh with my mother and shook my head. I ran a hand through my black hair, short and still damp from my morning shower. I smiled at my mother and sighed. I knew she could sense something was wrong with me, she always could. (154 words)

"You're never going to guess what Sammie offered me, mom," I said over my morning frosted flakes.

My mother, dressed in a thin blue robe, her green eyes sparkling over a coffee cup, smiled her lovely smile and responded. "Your Samantha is going to an Ivy League college and you'll be stuck out west. Let me guess, her hand in marriage? You are too young!"

Laughing, I ran my hand through my still damp hair. I knew she had sensed something was wrong, she always could. (86 words)


Lots and lots of unnecessary words. Your words could be trimmed even further if I had read all the way through and been able to tell what information was necessary, but reading that far was as exhausting as swimming through Jello.

 

[Everyday_Man]

For Robert,

I guess you didn't read that SoulfulBard already went over that part ... and I saw his point. While I appreciate the attempt, being told the same things twice after days apart isn't necessary help.

Jello, that's a good one for the comment section of the story.

 

[robertreams]

Why isn't it helpful to know that two critiques agree? It would seem to me quite helpful. Sorry I tried to help you. Go fuck yourself.

 

[Iceprincess12]

For Robert,

I guess you didn't read that SoulfulBard already went over that part ... and I saw his point. While I appreciate the attempt, being told the same things twice after days apart isn't necessary help.

Jello, that's a good one for the comment section of the story.

I didn't read your story, because I don't like the category, but when I post my reviews I don't read other comments. I like my thoughts to be my own and I have repeated comments that others have made. This should tell you something if multiple people have the same critique.

Hopefully you never ask for any more help from the community. I don't know what the critique was and I don't care, but your attitude...you are disdainful. If you have been called this within the past two days, then I am repeating and it's probably not helpful either.

 

[Everyday_Man]

I didn't read your story, because I don't like the category, but when I post my reviews I don't read other comments. I like my thoughts to be my own and I have repeated comments that others have made. This should tell you something if multiple people have the same critique.

Hopefully you never ask for any more help from the community. I don't know what the critique was and I don't care, but your attitude...you are disdainful. If you have been called this within the past two days, then I am repeating and it's probably not helpful either.

Message boards, always fun.

Following up possibly good advice with an insult, no matter how minor, is not the way to get someone to take you seriously. Robert's post was more of a troll post than real advice. 'I'll give you this, so I can actually say INSULT. If you believe that is disdainful, then you put the wrong tone on my words. Soulfulbard said the same thing, but he was offering suggestions, if you can't do it in a positive manner, don't bother at all, it's not worth my time or yours. I'll remember not to ask you for advice, you sound like feel demeaning someone's writing is the way to offer them help, but then again, maybe I'm not understanding exactly what you are saying.

 

[robertreams]

My critique was not an insult, but a colorful way to describe a problem with your writing, not only the passage that SoulfulBard and I edited, but the entire work. it is full of sentences that begin: "I....and. "She .... and. There are a pile of unnecessary 'thats'. Unnecessary and useless information , not related to the rest of the story, spills from every sentence.

I, laughed, spilling milk into my bowl." The sentence stops my reading, makes me ask, "Did he spill the milk through his nose, did the laughing make him spill, did he have the carton in his hand already? How are these two events related?

Will it be important to the story that dad was an alchy? That sister left home (without a warning). "A three year stupor with no sign of pulling himself out of it." So is he still on it or did it last three years and stop miraculously? If he stopped; if there was no sign, how do you know he stopped?

I had always been close to my mother, more so in the last few years since my father decided (that) beers for dinner and whiskey drinks for dessert was a healthy way to live. He was not a bad guy, but ever since my older sister left home without warning, he had fallen into a stupor—a three year stupor with no signs of pulling himself out of it. My mother was lonely (and) I had needed advice, (it) (refers to advice) was natural (that) my bond with my mother developed into friendship as well as mentorship.

"Don't misunderstand me though; the only time I play with dolls is when my now ex-girlfriend dresses up as one. Don't ask. She has this huge collection of them which feeds her strange fetish and maybe I'll get into that another time." (Never address your reader directly. It takes the narrator out of the story and puts the writer in the story.) Why would we misunderstand something you haven't said? Where is the reference to dolls you are referring to in this totally unrelated relationship with an ex-girlfriend who "dresses up"? If she is ex, how do you know she still dresses?

There are three tense changes in one paragraph.

Should I go on?

The passage I quote from has 144 words. About 85 of them are extraneous and get in the way of communication. Is this a nicer way to say that you are verbose?

 

[Everyday_Man]

Now that is a critique, the information is all out there, I can look it, review it, go back to my work and decide which of it I agree with, which of I don't and which of it I don't, but still needs to be changed.

There is a difference between helping somebody and sounding condescending when you do. It's the difference between someone taking your advice or wondering why you even bothered to respond to their post.

I appreciate the feedback.

 

[AZMotherLover]

When it comes to mother/son incest, there's only one reviewer whose comment matters, and he seemed to like your work.

what a great first-time contribution

I don't know what the reader is talking about, the one who complains that this fine story has nothing to do with mom and son sex. The boy Jack rubbed his hard young cock on this sleeping (?) mother's thigh and blew his young balls all over the place. Sounds like some serious mom and son messing around to me. The couple is certainly getting "too close," at least the way a narrow-minded puritanical society sees things. I'd say they weren't yet "close enough." Jack still has to find the perfect place to blow his balls, up where his sperm really belongs. (guess where) I was intrigued by the comment of the mother who wrote "so sweet." Like me, she wants to see this story go on to its logical conclusion (are you listening, gifted author?). In her bio, this gracious lady confesses to turning to the net to indulge her "sordid" fantasies. I'll hazard a wild guess that those fantasies concern a certain tall strapping young man, in fact, her own big good-looking son who she loves to pieces. Ma'am, there is nothing in the least "sordid" about the feelings you have for your boy and for what he's got jumping around in his pants. Those feelings are shared by lots and lots of mothers. I bet your boy gets hard every time he thinks about what you're hiding between your luscious thighs. Honesty is always the best policy, so why not level with your son. For a start show him this excellent story. Then let nature take its course.

What more could you want than that?