Opinions anyone?

[Dar~]

In a mirror, clear as glass

seeing through me to the wall behind.

Stacked bricks, compacted of sand and stone

like bits of life patterned into a whole,

or am I half?

Part and parcel, incomplete?

Born of lonliness, soul deep?

Again,

I find myself against a wall of my own making,

repeating mistakes.

Brick by brick,

locking away all that is me

in a windowless room,

just this mirror

seeing through me.

 

[champagne1982]

In a mirror, clear as glass

seeing through me to the wall behind.

Stacked bricks, compacted of sand and stone

like bits of life patterned into a whole,

or am I half?

Part and parcel, incomplete?

Born of lonliness, soul deep?

Again,

I find myself against a wall of my own making,

repeating mistakes.

Brick by brick,

locking away all that is me

in a windowless room,

just this mirror

seeing through me.

I like the second half of the poem since it is a fresher metaphor than the reflection vision of the first part. In fact, my opinion is that this :

I find myself against a wall of my own making,

repeating mistakes.

Brick by brick,

locking away all that is me

in a windowless room,

just this mirror and here you could say something like this drawing revealing me or find another likely object people look at and gain impressions from.

seeing through me​

is complete on its own.

I hope you don't mind these thoughts and accept them as an idea of what I think would make this poem better in my opinion.

 

[cantdog]

I do not identify with the mirror thing. It is something I have to figure out, and then it seems superimposed on the situation, rather than visceral, revealing the situation, as a metaphor ought to do.

But then, I prefer symbols in poetry to metaphors. They speak easier and include wider issues. I would love to appreciate this more, dar, as you know. But it isn't my poem, I suppose; not made for me. It misses me.

 

[Dar~]

Cant, I respect and yearn for your input into my poetry, I wrote this after My girlfriend dumped me. She said a lot of crap, but some of it really is true and I was seeing patterns. The mirror was a comment on the fact that I see me, but since I know me there can be no hiding.