Open Relationships

[ItalianLace]

I am very happy with the man I have been with for almost two years. We have a great sex life. We are each other's best friends. I couldn't imagine giving him up. During a difficult point in our relationship, we talked about taking a break, and the idea of being without him made me physically nauseous. He treats me so well. We plan on getting engaged as soon as we are financially stable.

However, we are both young. He is nineteen and I am twenty. Both of us were late-bloomers and never had a lot of dating experience. I've heard of people having open relationships, in which they carry on a normal steady relationship, but still see other people on the side. I think that could be good for both of us. Get it out of our systems before we make the bigger commitment of marriage.

The problem arises, though, from him often being jealous. He hates the fact that I'm still friends with some of my exes, and he gets upset if I hang out with them when he's not around. So I'm not sure how to bring up the idea of an open relationship without offending him. I feel, however, that this could be beneficial in the long run.

And okay, maybe I have some selfish motives.

Anyone have any tips on this?

 

[Malaria]

Don't do it. If you feel that bad at just the thought of losing him then you really have nothing to gain from an open relationship. If he's already that jealous then an open relationship will undermine his trust even further. Could you cope with the thought of him seeing someone else?

What would you really like to achieve from such an arrangement?

 

[silverwhisper]

italianlace: you already admit that you might have some selfish motives in even posing the question. that, coupled w/ his jealousy, make for an extremely dangerous combination.

honestly, there's no way if he's jealous that he'll go for the idea of an open relationship. and given what you've said, he would be absolutely right to oppose it.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

I am very happy with the man I have been with for almost two years. We have a great sex life. We are each other's best friends. I couldn't imagine giving him up. During a difficult point in our relationship, we talked about taking a break, and the idea of being without him made me physically nauseous. He treats me so well. We plan on getting engaged as soon as we are financially stable.

However, we are both young. He is nineteen and I am twenty. Both of us were late-bloomers and never had a lot of dating experience. I've heard of people having open relationships, in which they carry on a normal steady relationship, but still see other people on the side. I think that could be good for both of us. Get it out of our systems before we make the bigger commitment of marriage.

The problem arises, though, from him often being jealous. He hates the fact that I'm still friends with some of my exes, and he gets upset if I hang out with them when he's not around. So I'm not sure how to bring up the idea of an open relationship without offending him. I feel, however, that this could be beneficial in the long run.

And okay, maybe I have some selfish motives.

Anyone have any tips on this?

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and instinct about what's best for you - I'd say trust yourself and go with it, as you certainly don't want to commit with any reservations.

As to how to bring it up, how about just asking him how he feels about open relationships in general? I appreciate your desire not to offend him, but to be honest, if you're considering getting married, you need to be able to bring your needs and desires up openly. It's definitely not easy (been there, done that, multiple times), but when the love's really there, it works.

From what little you've said, I'd guess he's not going to be all that enthusiastic about you dating other people while you're together. In my experience, jealousy has a way of growing and getting out of control very quickly when even just the seeds for it are there. So, before you endeavor into a discussion about open relationships, I'd suggest figuring out what's making him jealous, and trying to resolve that. It seems like a lot of jealousy rises from insecurity over oneself or the relationship. Why is he jealous of your exes, or you spending time with them? Is there a part of him that feels inferior? Does he have low self-esteem? Is he afraid you might get involved with them, and/or leave him?

My point is that he should be absolutely positive you're choosing him, he's better for you than anyone else, and you'll never leave him for someone else (if you might, then you're likely best off taking a break while you date others). When he feels that way, he shouldn't have a problem with jealousy, and an open relationship will be less of a hurdle.

Also, ask yourself where you're going with dating others. What do you really want, and how do you envision it? About how long and far will you go? Are you open to actually falling in love and/or being with someone else? If not, will you tell the others there's no prospect of a real romantic relationship? Those are important types of questions for you, the people you date, and likely your bf.

It's a tough situation, but again, do what's right for you. Good luck!

 

[jessthegirl]

What do you really want?

No relationship should be so binding that you can't have other friends, but you should build your friendships together, so your friends become his friends and vice versa. I suspect that what you are really talking about is not having your own friends but having sex with other boys. Is that what you want? Be honest.

You describe yourself as 'late bloomers' but 19 and 20 is still very young and you probably need to get out there and sow some more 'wild oats', have all the sex you can and want with whoever you want and wherever you want (but safely) until you realise you need to love and be loved by one person and are ready to settle with either this boy or whoever comes to fill that role in your life. One day you will meet the guy you want to be the father of your kids, then its time to settle but it sounds too early for you yet

 

[Eilan]

italianlace: you already admit that you might have some selfish motives in even posing the question. that, coupled w/ his jealousy, make for an extremely dangerous combination.

I tend to agree. I'm not opposed to open relationships or other forms of nonmonogamy (is that a word?), but I don't think that a lot of couples can handle them.

My husband's ex brought up an open relationship mainly because she thought if she gave him "permission" to fuck other people, she wouldn't have to feel guilty for already doing it.

YMMV, of course.

 

[JRaven]

My husband's ex brought up an open relationship mainly because she thought if she gave him "permission" to fuck other people, she wouldn't have to feel guilty for already doing it.

Mmm... Reminds me of a lady that got her husband into swinging with her boyfriend and boyfriend's wife. He enjoyed screwing the boyfriend's wife so much, he was only a little upset to learn three years later that his wife was doing her boyfriend for four years.

ItalianLace, I'm guessing that if your boyfriend is that jealous, maybe getting it on with another couple would be better. Maybe if he's getting something the same time you are will ease his jealously.

Even soft swing, where you and your boyfriend are meerly in the same room as the other couple during the sex. Rather than sex with the other SO.

Good luck,
Jenny