open relationship: backfire?
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SweetErika
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I am in an open relationship, and it does work for us. It's not completely open to the extent where we can do whatever we want with whoever we want--we have common-sense agreements and respect each other's wishes--but we consider it to be open.
We didn't have expectations aobut it bringing us closer, but that's what has happened overall, perhaps because we're happier and consider it to be an act of love and a gift.
It can and does backfire for many people. We've certainly had our share of turmoil and never assume it won't backfire on us in the future, which is why we communicate about it constantly and continue to do a lot of planning.
It's not for everyone, or even most. It doesn't make a weak relationship stronger. It can make little cracks very big, so it's unwise to pursue it at any time there are any kind of problems. It takes A LOT of time and energy.
At the same time, it can be very rewarding for the right people and increase happiness. We usually feel the benefits outweigh the risks and work required. When we don't, we take a break from it and focus on strengthening ourselves and our relationship.
We didn't have expectations aobut it bringing us closer, but that's what has happened overall, perhaps because we're happier and consider it to be an act of love and a gift.
It can and does backfire for many people. We've certainly had our share of turmoil and never assume it won't backfire on us in the future, which is why we communicate about it constantly and continue to do a lot of planning.
It's not for everyone, or even most. It doesn't make a weak relationship stronger. It can make little cracks very big, so it's unwise to pursue it at any time there are any kind of problems. It takes A LOT of time and energy.
At the same time, it can be very rewarding for the right people and increase happiness. We usually feel the benefits outweigh the risks and work required. When we don't, we take a break from it and focus on strengthening ourselves and our relationship.
Bandit58
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I'm a bisexual woman married to a straight man. We have brought in other ladies to play with us, first with me separately and more recently with us as a couple.
We have a nice lady who we have played with a few times now. Because I'm still new to sharing him, my husband has limited his participation with her to oral (him giving) and hands only. I am working on letting things go further, but I have to get it straight in my head first (no pun intended!). She has been very understanding and hasn't made any attempt to cross boundaries, and has let me lead (for instance I placed her hand on his cock last time we played and there was no problem in my mind about it).
No doubt as I get more comfortable we will take things further. He is willing to allow me all the time I need to adjust to things. I have absolutely no fear that I will lose him to another, and our relationship is as solid as it gets. We communicate our feelings to each other often, and he's said that if ever I become uncomfortable with anything or don't want to do it anymore, it will stop immediately.
We have a nice lady who we have played with a few times now. Because I'm still new to sharing him, my husband has limited his participation with her to oral (him giving) and hands only. I am working on letting things go further, but I have to get it straight in my head first (no pun intended!). She has been very understanding and hasn't made any attempt to cross boundaries, and has let me lead (for instance I placed her hand on his cock last time we played and there was no problem in my mind about it).
No doubt as I get more comfortable we will take things further. He is willing to allow me all the time I need to adjust to things. I have absolutely no fear that I will lose him to another, and our relationship is as solid as it gets. We communicate our feelings to each other often, and he's said that if ever I become uncomfortable with anything or don't want to do it anymore, it will stop immediately.
smotherman
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I'm against open relationships. 9 out of 10 times it backfires. what's the point being in one if you want different partners. just stay single and fuck around. I never understood the attraction.
alaskabibear
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I'm not sure how many times open relationships backfire, but common sense would tell us that they are fraught with danger. But as to the "what's the point" question; I think that open relationships that do work are with people who are deeply in love with each other first. I know for us, we have no desire to sneak around and cheat on each other and never have. And we would never desire to be single in order to "fuck around" with other people. But, we both can envision openly sharing a part of our love with another (it is more about love than sex actually).
(I can't speak with the voice of authority here since we are just now tentatively testing the waters). But, the operative points have already been made by others; first, it must be a strong relationship to start with and second, a mutual understanding that if anyone isn't feeling good about it, then it's time to stop.
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subwannabe
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I respect your wish to post your question here to try to inform yourself. However, I really don't see what difference it makes what responses you get. You could get hundreds of responses and still the bottom line will be - what will happen in your case? Every response here could be don't do it and maybe it would work out for you, or vice versa. I don't know what the exact statistics are either but as I have already stated, no matter what advice you get or what statistics you find, your case will be individually different than those. I do agree with the advice that if there are already weaknesses in your relationship then the odds are more than likely that it will backfire on you.
Mansa Musa
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If you aren´t friends with your SO, then you can´t have an open relationship. Simple as that. At best, you´ll be the happy husband/wife who has to deal with a simmering ball of rage whenever you step through the front door. IOW, if you want to be in an open relationship, you´d better make sure that your SO´s needs are being met (and before your own) if necessary.
BiBunny
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If you'd ever been in love with more than one person at a time, you'd understand. For some people, it has nothing to do with being able to fuck whoever you want to, and all the world to do with being in loving relationships with the people you care about.
SweetErika
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^^^ Beautifully said, Bunny. 
This is interesting, given the quote in your sig, smotherman. That quote expresses one of our main views: we love each other enough to be supportive of the freedom to connect with other people.
It's unrealistic to think one person will fulfill every need and want; if that were the case, we wouldn't seek out friends, family and others who gave us satisfaction in some way. One person may fulfill most needs and wants, but what if there's another who gives you a little extra, or fulfills your needs in different ways, making you feel happier in your life and ultimately more satisfied with your primary relationship overall? If your primary partner encouraged you to get what you wanted from that other person, would you not consider doing so?
My husband has said he appreciates my ability to have some of my needs met by other people. As good of a match that we are, we're simply not the same, and we have different baselines when it comes to things like affection and positive reinforcement. When I connect with someone who has a more similar baseline in those areas, for instance, my husband doesn't have to worry so much about whether or not he's meeting my needs. He can see they're met, I feel good and how that has a positive impact on our marriage.
At the end of the day, we come back to each other because we love and enjoy each other so much that we DON'T want to be single and fuck around. If we did, we'd end our marriage.
I'd venture to say that a solid relationship between people who are open is MUCH more likely to exist happily in the long haul than a closed relationship. Sooner or later, most people have the desire to explore outside of the relationship, whether that's sex, love, having specific needs met, or something else. When that happens, a couple who supports each other in fulfillment is more likely to thrive than one who expects their partner to be unfulfilled long-term. An open relationship on a solid foundation (love, respect, honest, communication, etc.) eliminates the need to lie, cheat and be unfulfilled, all of which can seriously damage or destroy a relationship.
That said, the breakup and divorce rates indicate most relationships aren't solid, and opening the relationship is certainly not a cure for that.
This is interesting, given the quote in your sig, smotherman. That quote expresses one of our main views: we love each other enough to be supportive of the freedom to connect with other people.
It's unrealistic to think one person will fulfill every need and want; if that were the case, we wouldn't seek out friends, family and others who gave us satisfaction in some way. One person may fulfill most needs and wants, but what if there's another who gives you a little extra, or fulfills your needs in different ways, making you feel happier in your life and ultimately more satisfied with your primary relationship overall? If your primary partner encouraged you to get what you wanted from that other person, would you not consider doing so?
My husband has said he appreciates my ability to have some of my needs met by other people. As good of a match that we are, we're simply not the same, and we have different baselines when it comes to things like affection and positive reinforcement. When I connect with someone who has a more similar baseline in those areas, for instance, my husband doesn't have to worry so much about whether or not he's meeting my needs. He can see they're met, I feel good and how that has a positive impact on our marriage.
At the end of the day, we come back to each other because we love and enjoy each other so much that we DON'T want to be single and fuck around. If we did, we'd end our marriage.
I'd venture to say that a solid relationship between people who are open is MUCH more likely to exist happily in the long haul than a closed relationship. Sooner or later, most people have the desire to explore outside of the relationship, whether that's sex, love, having specific needs met, or something else. When that happens, a couple who supports each other in fulfillment is more likely to thrive than one who expects their partner to be unfulfilled long-term. An open relationship on a solid foundation (love, respect, honest, communication, etc.) eliminates the need to lie, cheat and be unfulfilled, all of which can seriously damage or destroy a relationship.
That said, the breakup and divorce rates indicate most relationships aren't solid, and opening the relationship is certainly not a cure for that.
Eilan
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My husband's ex-wife proposed that they have an open relationship, but in their case, she didn't really want him to be with other people; she was already cheating on him and wanted to continue what she was doing without the guilt.
Since he and I have dabbled in nonmonogamy ourselves (though I wouldn't call ours an "open relationship"), I obviously don't have a problem with it. But I don't think it's for everyone.
Since he and I have dabbled in nonmonogamy ourselves (though I wouldn't call ours an "open relationship"), I obviously don't have a problem with it. But I don't think it's for everyone.
smotherman
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I understand your point, but my point is why be involved in an relationship if you love more than one person. stay single and love all the people you want at one time. To me it is pointless to be married to someone if you love someone else.
To each their own though! my best friend had an open relationship with his wife and they're divorced.
9 out of 10 times it just doesn't work out.
BiBunny
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^^^ Beautifully said, Bunny.
This is interesting, given the quote in your sig, smotherman. That quote expresses one of our main views: we love each other enough to be supportive of the freedom to connect with other people.
It's unrealistic to think one person will fulfill every need and want; if that were the case, we wouldn't seek out friends, family and others who gave us satisfaction in some way. One person may fulfill most needs and wants, but what if there's another who gives you a little extra, or fulfills your needs in different ways, making you feel happier in your life and ultimately more satisfied with your primary relationship overall? If your primary partner encouraged you to get what you wanted from that other person, would you not consider doing so?
My husband has said he appreciates my ability to have some of my needs met by other people. As good of a match that we are, we're simply not the same, and we have different baselines when it comes to things like affection and positive reinforcement. When I connect with someone who has a more similar baseline in those areas, for instance, my husband doesn't have to worry so much about whether or not he's meeting my needs. He can see they're met, I feel good and how that has a positive impact on our marriage.
At the end of the day, we come back to each other because we love and enjoy each other so much that we DON'T want to be single and fuck around. If we did, we'd end our marriage.
I'd venture to say that a solid relationship between people who are open is MUCH more likely to exist happily in the long haul than a closed relationship. Sooner or later, most people have the desire to explore outside of the relationship, whether that's sex, love, having specific needs met, or something else. When that happens, a couple who supports each other in fulfillment is more likely to thrive than one who expects their partner to be unfulfilled long-term. An open relationship on a solid foundation (love, respect, honest, communication, etc.) eliminates the need to lie, cheat and be unfulfilled, all of which can seriously damage or destroy a relationship.
That said, the breakup and divorce rates indicate most relationships aren't solid, and opening the relationship is certainly not a cure for that.
i belive this is the bible on open relationships. as for who mentioned it doesnt matter what anyone says, i was just searching for experiance and wise insite. i feel i more fully understand the foundations of an open relationship as wether to persue an open relationship with my girl and respect and honor her opinion whichever it may be. please though, let the conversation go on, and thanks
SweetErika
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I'm flattered, but I'd suggest not taking ANYTHING for the bible on open relationships. Read a ton and talk to a lot of people who have them, learn from their experiences and create what's likely to work best for you as an individual couple. I only know some of what works for me and my relationship, and what works for us in general doesn't necessarily work for us in each instance.
You both might consider reading The Ethical Slut and below are some other resources on polyamory you may want to check out. I mention polyamory because it can mean a lot of different things, from sexual love to emotional love and beyond, and it's what we subscribe to, but there are other good resources on swinging and such, if that's what you're interested in.
www.polyamory.org
www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://www.polyfamilies.com/index.html
http://faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/
Mansa Musa
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"At the end of the day, we come back to each other because we love and enjoy each other so much that we DON'T want to be single and fuck around. If we did, we'd end our marriage."
I stole this line from Sweet Erika. Once again, she´s posted my thoughts. If a husband and wife love each other and are willing to make sure that all of their needs are being met, then an open relationship works. If the love isn´t there, then it doesn´t work. Eventually, one of the partners will get frustrated over the lack of new pussy/new dick/home cooked meals/backrubs/Sunday afternoons talking about Woody Allen movies/etc., and the open relationship will die on the vine.
There are plenty of men who find satisfaction in allowing their wives to experience other men without becoming "cuckolds", and there are plenty of women who are willing to overlook a business trip liason or the yearly changing of the clerical guard (read: hot new secretary every two years) because their needs are being met. The differences in libido between partners can be successfully navigated without any overt strain if both partners are on the same page.
I stole this line from Sweet Erika. Once again, she´s posted my thoughts. If a husband and wife love each other and are willing to make sure that all of their needs are being met, then an open relationship works. If the love isn´t there, then it doesn´t work. Eventually, one of the partners will get frustrated over the lack of new pussy/new dick/home cooked meals/backrubs/Sunday afternoons talking about Woody Allen movies/etc., and the open relationship will die on the vine.
There are plenty of men who find satisfaction in allowing their wives to experience other men without becoming "cuckolds", and there are plenty of women who are willing to overlook a business trip liason or the yearly changing of the clerical guard (read: hot new secretary every two years) because their needs are being met. The differences in libido between partners can be successfully navigated without any overt strain if both partners are on the same page.
PertPerth
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I have to say that I agree with Mr. Essex. There are times when a happily married couple will ignore the fact that one or both members are seeing someone else.
I have thought about this quite a lot. I've had problems with my vagina/bowel since I was young and so sex/penetration was out of the question for quite some time (as well as the fact that I was abused when I was young). Anywho, I've had many boyfriends dump me due to lack of sex.
Now that I'm older, I see things quite differently to most of my friends. If my partner wasn't happy - for whatever reason (not enough sex, if he was bi or wanted anal etc) - I'd be willing to negotiate. Fortunately my doctors have done WONDERS for the physical issues and my current boyfriend and I seem to have a similar sex drive, so I've not had to worry about it.
Especially if my parner was bi, I know that I'd not be able to satisfy them completely so an 'openish' arrangement might suit. (I'm guessing that is why I beleive love and communication are so important!)
Having said that I DON'T SHARE and wouldn't be happy with my partner sleeping with people as he felt like it without getting permission first. I call that cheating.
The only other way I could be in an open relationship is if I wasn't in love with the person. But then I call that a "bonking buddy" and not a relationship.
The problems arise when one partner doesn't feel comfortable with the situation (or it moves too quickly for them to adjust) or one person is thinking "bonking buddy" while the other person is in love.
I think it is a sligtly more difficult kind of relationship because humans have this emotion called jealousy and envy. Sometimes we don't realise it's bitten us until after it's happened. Then you just need to step back and reassess the situation.
I have thought about this quite a lot. I've had problems with my vagina/bowel since I was young and so sex/penetration was out of the question for quite some time (as well as the fact that I was abused when I was young). Anywho, I've had many boyfriends dump me due to lack of sex.
Now that I'm older, I see things quite differently to most of my friends. If my partner wasn't happy - for whatever reason (not enough sex, if he was bi or wanted anal etc) - I'd be willing to negotiate. Fortunately my doctors have done WONDERS for the physical issues and my current boyfriend and I seem to have a similar sex drive, so I've not had to worry about it.
Especially if my parner was bi, I know that I'd not be able to satisfy them completely so an 'openish' arrangement might suit. (I'm guessing that is why I beleive love and communication are so important!)
Having said that I DON'T SHARE and wouldn't be happy with my partner sleeping with people as he felt like it without getting permission first. I call that cheating.
The only other way I could be in an open relationship is if I wasn't in love with the person. But then I call that a "bonking buddy" and not a relationship.
The problems arise when one partner doesn't feel comfortable with the situation (or it moves too quickly for them to adjust) or one person is thinking "bonking buddy" while the other person is in love.
I think it is a sligtly more difficult kind of relationship because humans have this emotion called jealousy and envy. Sometimes we don't realise it's bitten us until after it's happened. Then you just need to step back and reassess the situation.
Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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Your primary relationship has to be absolutely rock solid before any thought of bringing in others. The number of people who think to bring in a third to spice up their marriage, and then find that it all goes horribly wrong, would be very scary.
Open lines of communication, talk things through as they arise don't leave it to fester. Take things slowly - if your third isn't willing to abide by your set boundaries then find someone who will. I've found I need time to adjust to a new person and get to know them well before I'm comfortable with sharing.
Gil_T2
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Has anyone enjoyed driving their car but also enjoy driving others to enjoy the differences?
Although I don't class our relationship as an open one I don't have any problem with BANDIT
having her Bi fun with her ladies one on one & I'm only interested in playing in the 3 some situation & have no desire for one on one with other ladies, my pleasure is being apart of the play pleasing both ladies.I love the sexual pleasures I have with BANDIT
& have no problem with her having her Bi one on one play with her lady friends but also enjoy the pleasure of enjoying another lady & her also enjoying the other lady, it is one of the most erotic pleasures I've experienced in a fairly vast sexual life. Of course there is the wanting to see what the other lady is like sexually, does she like similar postitions, stroking, etc etc.I have enjoyed the 3 some thing in the past & had a double loss as my good Bi lady friend & G/F formed a relationship & I know that as distant that happening this time it is still possible.
The first 2 ladies we played with as a couple were both desirable ladies but drew little attraction to take things past touching & oral play with them & no contact at all with my cock. This lady we play with now we have bonded with so well that her desire to have more contact with me as well as BANDIT
that it is somthing I'd like to try once BANDIT feels OK & she knows that the lady has no desire for me out side of sex it's all because it is a new experience for her to deal with but as with all the new experiences she is my prime concern.
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