Online Dom/Sub

[082377042373]

That’s a thing? I need to know more please.

 

[Deleted member 861104]

Yes it is…contact me and I will pass on my experiences….

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Yes it is…contact me and I will pass on my experiences….

What an odd response…

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes it is…contact me and I will pass on my experiences….

If you answer here in the thread, more people can benefit.

 

[082377042373]

Is it generally a long distance thing versus ever being with one another? I’m trying to decide how I would even feel about that. Without the satisfaction of touch.

 

[Acktion]

I know of some people it works for around here. None did for me. ***shrug*** Maybe I'm just not good enough that I need her tender flesh delivered into my evil grasp every now and then at least for it all to work.

But, as I say, I can think of a few couples or throuples that have been around awhile now and seem to be contented.

 

[Deleted member 861104]

I agree. I was a dick. There was no contact information for 0……. So I posted here.

Other than that, I can only add frustration in online D/s relationships. Much easier to keep it loose.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

The most important thing in this sort of relationship is that BOTH parties need a creative imagination. In the cases of Fara and Acktioni have to conclude that the other party was not as open-minded...

 

[ToPleaseHim]

That’s a thing? I need to know more please.

I’ve been in two online D/s relationships and both worked well for me. That said, we did meet in person, just rarely. So it was more like an LDR with remote BDSM play. We talked every day, here in PMs and on the boards, on the phone, over Skype. It was a lot of fun. I still love both of those men and am very glad to have been with them. I do greatly prefer my current living together relationship…we are much less BDSM than either of the online ones, it’s more BDSM Lite, but it works for us and I definitely prefer touching him and him touching me every day.

 

[HUNGRYHOLLOW]

That’s a thing? I need to know more please.

Open your PM and find out

 

[Acktion]

Open your PM and find out

Or, maybe we turn off our PMs because we are sick as shit of random assed people dropping by to use us as wank fodder for a bit before getting back to what is important to them or acting one way in private and another in public and then painting us as the bad guy whining all over the place and figure they can either interact in public for all to see or piss off?

 

[txblush]

My first thought when I read the OP's post was there's a lot of threads here dedicated to online D/s LDR and plenty of other reading material outside Lit that will offer a person insight on the intricacies of that type of relationship.

My second thought, know what you want and what you aren't willing to do because relationships in general are frustrating. They take time, need attention, open-mindness, honesty, and trust. The latter is earned over time.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Open your PM and find out

Gross. Stop that!

 

[txblush]

Exactly! And that is the sad part because they do take a lot of work. I think of it as a journey of self-discovery because a person has to know what they want before they can give of themselves to another.

 

[txblush]

That’s why I get so pissed about these Yahoos PMing.
You’re so knowledgeable? Share it with all of us.

My knowledge comes from years of reading non-fiction books written by people who've lived a D/s lifestyle, and a lot of self-reflection while I delve into the world of BDSM D/s through the novels I write because fantasies are one thing, but the reality of it is so much better than a person can imagine when there's an intimate connection that starts in the mind, travels through the heart, gut, and ends with a man's cock buried to the hilt inside a woman's sex, hole, cunt, pussy and my personal favorite...hungry flower. Think fly trap dripping with honey.

As a woman I know what it feels like to want to be filled with a man's cock. It's getting inside his head and getting him to talk that's often a challenge because men and women don't speak the same language. But they have feelings like everyone else and can say no faster than any woman I've ever met because they know what they want in a relationship moretimes than not. At least that's the impression I've gotten from posts written by men who are exceeding happy with their significant others.

 

[Acktion]

That’s why I get so pissed about these Yahoos PMing.
You’re so knowledgeable? Share it with all of us.

For me, it's "that shit doesn't get turned off by accident." You've gotta know where to find it, and you've gotta dig for it. No clue just who 082377042373 is (or rather I'm trying really hard not to guess), but with four posts and PMs turned off? Yeah, this is someone that knows their way around and has their own scars. And I think it's just kind of an asshole move to pressure those of us that chose not to have that option available.

 

[MaleProtagonist]

It's for people who can't handle IRL encounters for whatever reason. I.E. they live in parents basement, they are doing it behind the back of their S.O., they have any and sundry mental health/social anxiety issues, etc.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

It's for people who can't handle IRL encounters for whatever reason. I.E. they live in parents basement, they are doing it behind the back of their S.O., they have any and sundry mental health/social anxiety issues, etc.

Sure, sometimes. For others it’s the way they do their LDR. It can and does work for a lot of people.

 

[Ginlover]

Online anyone can be anyone
In general if they are online only they are not comfortable in being themselves
Common themes — they are with a rl primary partner they are cheating on ‘virtually’
I know of a person who seven years ago took on the role of young woman, not because they were trans but because they got more attention as a wanna be sub woman instead of submissive man. Over seven years they had at least four long term online D/s dynamic with men. Got caught out, he had a thick beard, early thirties in his honest photo to his straight male ‘dominant’ who caught him out and I’ll guess he was still living in mom’s basement. He took a break of a month or two and logged back on as a 24 year old, blonde, slim girl. With social media so prevalent and some apps it’s easy to find consistent pictures and claim to be too shy to use voice.

In an actual relationship with some face to face rl interaction, online and virtual can be fun and strengthen dynamics but if it’s 100% online with no face to face planned ever someone is hiding something…

 

[seela]

Not everyone doing online only is cheating or lying about who they are, though.

Sometimes conditions simply don’t allow for more than online due to location, illness etc. Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable moving into irl because they’re still figuring out themselves and/or their preferences. Sometimes online is what people prefer because they can maintain more control that way and simply log out when they wish and that can give a better separation of D/s and regular life. Sometimes online only is what someone in a relationship has negotiated with their primary partner and they settle with that even if they themselves might prefer some face to face play, too.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

@Ginlover: I hadn’t seen anyone suggest that online means no face to face.

My online relationships have always involved phone calls and Skype. If I were to do online now, I’d most certainly use Zoom over Skype, although Skype also offered a texting option so not sure. I’m not in the market, so it’s a no go anyway, but online doesn’t need to mean never seeing each other. I’m sure it can mean this, especially at first, but it doesn’t only mean emails/DMs only. Catfishing is a thing, so I would be very cautious with someone who never wanted to talk on the phone or video chat. Big red flags there.

 

[Mei5ter]

Not everyone doing online only is cheating or lying about who they are, though.

Sometimes conditions simply don’t allow for more than online due to location, illness etc. Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable moving into irl because they’re still figuring out themselves and/or their preferences. Sometimes online is what people prefer because they can maintain more control that way and simply log out when they wish and that can give a better separation of D/s and regular life. Sometimes online only is what someone in a relationship has negotiated with their primary partner and they settle with that even if they themselves might prefer some face to face play, too.

Exactly this. Online and in-person are different. They needn't be exclusive, and neither is one automatically better, more authentic, more valid or more anything than the other.

 

[Ginlover]

By no face to face I mean no plans to ever meet in person and making that clear from the start and through out.

Why are they not willing to meet ever? Despite pandemic and travel restrictions stopping meeting now why not have it on the table as one day? Why plan to keep it online always?

Are they not comfortable in who they are, so not prepared to see the other part of their dynamic in person? That for me would be a big red flag if someone is that uncomfortable in their skin they don’t want to see me in person, it would be a big stumbling block in developing an ongoing dynamic if they stayed that insecure. Playing with authority exchange when one side can’t improve their self worth is imho dangerous.

Are they being honest and open and explain they have a primary partner but consensually they have agreed they can explore with others online but it must stay online? If that’s the case I’m fully supportive but let the other person in the online dynamic know why it will never progress more than online monogamousish a phrase coined by a sex therapist and a great you tube video on her advice to almost consensually cheat but not crossing a line.

Are they outright cheating behind their primary partner(s) rl backs? Lot easier to do with the other person is in another country, even using Skype and zoom.

Have they had a court order saying they must not date without the other person being told of their convictions? Yes, seen that, will vary depending on legislation from country to country.

Are they currently in prison? That’s one I’ve come across once, but he could still get online to have an online dynamic.

Are they just wanting pretend fantasy, online you can say you’re a 24x7 slave without actually having to physically do a thing. You can live the fantasy of being a masochist without a single impact (or an impact moderated by your own hand to suit you). You can be super dominant without having to hold your sub after a scene or make them a mug of tea or helping change the bed or wash the sheets. You can live the fantasy of authority exchange without having to do any work.

Or you include or work towards person to person interaction, with all the mess, awkwardness and cock ups that comes with it. Then, imho, you have a better chance of experiencing power exchange.

 

[Mei5ter]

By no face to face I mean no plans to ever meet in person and making that clear from the start and through out.

Why are they not willing to meet ever? Despite pandemic and travel restrictions stopping meeting now why not have it on the table as one day? Why plan to keep it online always?

Are they not comfortable in who they are, so not prepared to see the other part of their dynamic in person? That for me would be a big red flag if someone is that uncomfortable in their skin they don’t want to see me in person, it would be a big stumbling block in developing an ongoing dynamic if they stayed that insecure. Playing with authority exchange when one side can’t improve their self worth is imho dangerous.

Are they being honest and open and explain they have a primary partner but consensually they have agreed they can explore with others online but it must stay online? If that’s the case I’m fully supportive but let the other person in the online dynamic know why it will never progress more than online monogamousish a phrase coined by a sex therapist and a great you tube video on her advice to almost consensually cheat but not crossing a line.

Are they outright cheating behind their primary partner(s) rl backs? Lot easier to do with the other person is in another country, even using Skype and zoom.

Have they had a court order saying they must not date without the other person being told of their convictions? Yes, seen that, will vary depending on legislation from country to country.

Are they currently in prison? That’s one I’ve come across once, but he could still get online to have an online dynamic.

Are they just wanting pretend fantasy, online you can say you’re a 24x7 slave without actually having to physically do a thing. You can live the fantasy of being a masochist without a single impact (or an impact moderated by your own hand to suit you). You can be super dominant without having to hold your sub after a scene or make them a mug of tea or helping change the bed or wash the sheets. You can live the fantasy of authority exchange without having to do any work.

Or you include or work towards person to person interaction, with all the mess, awkwardness and cock ups that comes with it. Then, imho, you have a better chance of experiencing power exchange.

I think you've given one possible answer to your own question in your fourth paragraph. Seela has already given plenty of others. I can see that for many - including you - it may not feel worthwhile embarking on a relationship without the prospect of meeting in person, and that makes perfect sense. But I'm going to stick up for online-only a little too, if you don't mind.

Before I was on Lit, I had a good friend on the other side of the world (we had a 12 hour time difference). Our relationship certainly involved what could be termed online BDSM, and was conducted purely online. We never met, and were both completely clear from the start that we weren't ever going to be able to meet, because the cost and distance and other commitments wouldn't make that possible. I don't expect someone I meet online to tell me immediately that they have a parent who needs care, or a kid from a previous relationship, but those are examples of good reasons why someone can't just up sticks and travel half way round the world. Equally, by being completely clear with each other, we reduced the risk of crossed wires over what we were looking for. If I'd really been hoping to meet a real-world life partner, I'd have appreciated knowing at the outset that she wasn't looking for that kind of commitment. As it was, we had a great eighteen months, and ended things amicably when she met someone in-person whom she's now engaged to. We enjoyed what we had on its own merits, and that's fine.

There are certainly people who use the anonymity of the Internet to lie about who they are and what they want. But people have been lying to each other since time immemorial, whether face-to-face, by letter, by carrier pigeon, or by Morse code. I've been lied to by more than one woman on Lit, and I've been lied to by more than one woman I've met in person. Sure, I could have seen if a woman I met in a bar looked like her pics or not, and I could have taken a fairly good guess that she wasn't a serving convict. But I could have worked that out pretty quickly over Zoom or Skype too. Otherwise...could I have told if she was married or not? Not at first sight if she chose to keep it secret. But I'd probably figure it out over time because time patterns betray people eventually - which of course is what happens online too. They're not so different.

If I had a straight choice between online or in-person, I'd take in-person every single time. Of course I would. But if it's a choice between online or nothing, I'll take online-only and appreciate it on its merits. Whether you then feel its a pale and disappointing imitation of in-person kink, or whether you work to make it a virtual expression of genuine emotions and feelings which lets you explore and experience things you'd never otherwise know...well, that depends on you .

 

[Specula]

Is it generally a long distance thing versus ever being with one another? I’m trying to decide how I would even feel about that. Without the satisfaction of touch.

There are many many real life relationships, often depend on travelling, but how the numbers compare with online, I suspect no-one knows