Online affairs.....care to share?

[Havocman]

"But I thought it only fair that I stop being an outsider and jump in with both feet and participate!"

I've decided to do the same, CyberPhd. Until today, I'd not done much BB posting anywhere, but after following the boards here for over four months, and then reading your statement above, I came to the conclusion that you were right. It's only fair that I get involved also, instead of living vicariously through all of the fantastic personalities that post here. So here goes...

""I dont think that online affairs can be termed as "cheating". There is no actual physical relationship in an online affair.""

While I would tend to agree with this statement HSWriter, I would also like to say that many people (myself included) consider the mind to be the "greatest sexual organ" (unless your hung like Dixon). And while an online relationship may not be physical, it still involves two (or more) people reaching out and stimulating each other's "organs", so to speak, touching each other deeply and in very intimate ways. And as many of us would probably admit, sometimes the hardest fucking to overcome is a mindfucking. And one only has to look at the large number of chat rooms dedicated to the topic of how "The Internet Ruined My Marriage" to realize that apparently many people out there do consider it to be "cheating".

All that being said, my wife and I both have had online relationships, and I must say that once we both started being honest and open about them with each other, and had a discussion along these same lines, it didn't feel like "cheating" at all. In fact it actually HELPED our relationship. But that's just this man's opinion.

Sorry for running on so, and to think I never posted because I didn't think I'd have anything to say...

Havoc




[This message has been edited by Havocman (edited 01-22-2000).]

 

[CyberPhD]

I've thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's posts on this BB over the past month or so. But I thought it only fair that I stop being an outsider and jump in with both feet and participate!

I was just wondering if anyone cared to share an experience about an online affair or fling that they may have had. And along with your comments, it would be interesting to hear comments about whether or not you consider an online affair "cheating" if you are currently married, or in a RL relationship.

I will share my experience and thoughts if anyone thinks this is a worthwhile topic by responding!

Hey, I said I would jump in with both feet, not my whole body!

 

[HSWriter]

I dont think that online affairs can be termed as "cheating". There is no actual physical relationship in an online affair. I have had online affairs before, and I have openly discussed them with my current girlfriend, and she has no problem with it. It all just depends on who your partner is and how much liberty they will give you, and how much they trust you...

 

[Laurel]

I'm with y'all. I don't have any cyber sexual relationships (boring, ain't I?), but I don't think it's wrong as long as your partner is aware of what you're up to. Like Havocman said, it can even help your relationship. Like anything, lines must be drawn. You have to remember that it's only fantasy, and that your real guy/girl is always #1. That's my $0.02 - now can I have my change back, Phantom?

 

[Endlessly]

"And as many of us would probably admit, sometimes the hardest fucking to overcome is a mindfucking."

My thoughts worded far better than I could ever say them. Go you. *grin*

Incidentally-- as I mentioned elsewhere, I work online for the-park.com and its E-zine.. I'm doing a story for the next issue on exactly this sort of thing. If people don't mind being quoted, let me know.

 

[Lasher]

Cyber and Havoc, good to have you guys aboard. It's nice to see new personalties appear, and when they have something intelligent to say it's even better.

The whole subject of internet relationships just cracks me up, and I'm gonna tell ya why. I'm one of those bastards that hangs out in chat rooms pretending to be "someone", and I do it purely for the entertainment value. To me it's just another fantasy to act out. It's just mind numbing to me that people can meet in a chat room and take things so seriously.

I live my life as the 32 yr old male that I am. I have a wife and many friends. If I want to talk about my life as a 32 yr old male I can do it with them any damn time I want. And sometimes I'll even go into chatrooms as myself. Or if I'm on a game site I go as myself, cause I want people to know that it's ME that's kicking their asses. Otherwise I'm hanging out as a 19 yr old college student (male of female depending on my mood), and I think I've gotten pretty damn good at it. I've even got separate ICQ #'s and email addresses for my various identities. It's the ultimate Role Playing Game. And, no, I don't feel guilty about it, because the way I see it, how often am I chatting with someone who's doing the same damn thing?? (perhaps not as elaborately, but whose fault is that??)

So when I come across one of these people who start talking to me about their internet significant others.....well, let's just say I don't take it all that seriously.

One of my favorite stories is the time I'm talking with this "girl" in a teen chat room, and she was so upset because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. I asked her why, and she said it was because she had sent him a picture and he told her she was too big. "I see," I said, "so he wasn't REALLY your boyfriend?..." To me, this really summarizes this type of phenomenon. (As an aside, later in the conversation she asked me if I thought a girl that was 5'4 and weighed 190 lbs was too big. My reply was "Yes.")

I know this is running long, so I'll just relate one more story.

A year ago when I was young and naive and new to the internet, I became involved in my first, and only, internet relationship hanging out in the Euchre rooms on Excite. We started as playing partners, then started talking more and more about our personal lives, and, of course, the normal, healthy fantasies started forming in our heads. Then one day she decided it was time to exchange pictures. (I often wonder at this point if people who are not attractive in a traditional physical sense really think that internet personality can overcome their physical shortcomings? Hmm....anyways). Well, that was the end of that. The picture she sent just destroyed the fantasies I had before that moment. And the relationship didn't survive for more than a week or two after. I tried to convince myself I wasn't that shallow, but, dammit, I guess I am.

So, my last bit of advice. For those of you who do believe that internet relationships are possible, and can lead to something in the real world. From the very first word be brutally honest. Don't say you look kinda like Sandra Bullock,(only not quite as thin), when you really look like Rosie O'Donnell. See where that's going??



[This message has been edited by Lasher99 (edited 01-22-2000).]

 

[Rosebud]

I had found a wonderful man online..he was great and I very much wanted to meet him because my real marriage was just not as I wanted it. I cybered him and we shared many personal things. We finished each other sentences, thoughts, etc., we were made for each other, I found in him the things that I couldn't find in my husband. After a while I found out that he was my husband only using a different name. Everything that we should have been sharing, we did. I was upset at first to find out that my marlowe was my husband. I thought he did it to trick me into telling things and opening up to him, ( I hadn't done that in a long time and that is why we were growing apart but neither did he)We have both made our mistakes and now we are living again happily in love. I love you Marlowe

 

[Gary1]

Bulletin Boards were made to share information. Exchange information on the internet highway. I strongly feel that is still true today. Just as we are doing right now. However, when you put a "chat" title on the front of it ... my attitude changes to the attitude that the information is similar to that of an informal conversation. Further, when one journeys to a "chat room" my attitude alters to that of fantasy ... I take everthing with a grain of salt ... and even enjoy the fantasy exchange ... It is part of a game. The issue of cheating? Mr. Allen would indicate that "as a man thinketh, so is he." Is fantasy roll playing healthy? tough issues for the new century. Mr. Clinton brought us issues of the new morality: the definition of "is". A little cigar roll playing by some definition is not having sex ... yet the majority think otherwise. Hmmmm, I guess it fall to ones values ... if it is harmless roll playing ... how can it construed as cheating ... yet, if it is the roll playing that takes away from a relationship that one has committed to ... what difference is there in that and the committment of the actural act. I guess I would have to say that it again is not a black and white issue, but depends on the circumstances. I, love to tell my wife what has taken place on my cyber journeys to the fantasy world. She is, alas a realist, and me? I am lost in the fantasy world ... a hopeless romantic. For me, entertainment is loosing ones self to fantasy and happy times of cyberspace. Reality comes quickly and can be a tough place to live.

 

[Sammyjo]

I've met a lot of men on the internet, but so far have only met two of them in real life. I am curious about the people I meet, but I don't stress the picture thing, unless things start getting more serious. A casual conversation now and again isn't serious. When they become an everyday occurance it is serious. I'm sure we all have our view on that issue.

I agree, that if you are in this only for the fantasy of it, sending and receiving pics really does destroy that aspect of it. However, I started using the internet as a means of a support network. I had a lot of problems that I wanted to talk out, but not with anyone I knew. I was always upfront and honest about who I was, what I looked like, etc.

I haven't had a "bad" experience. I have accepted that neither of these "relationships" will ever be more than physical, much as it pains me....LOL....

....and as stupid as these things can be, I may have stumbled upon someone who is worth my time. But if not....oh well....

....also, chatting online, no matter the content isn't necessarily cheating. Again, it depends on the parties involved. If it comes to actually meeting and carrying out your fantasies, then I'll have to say that it is definitely cheating.

That's my view...thanks for listening
*hugs*
sammyjo

 

[Endlessly]

Lasher, Gary1, Rosebud.. Is it all right if I quote you three in my article? I'll only use your BB names.

 

[Angel]

Heh ok well I've been trying to force myself not to share, but oh well whatever. Heh. When I was 18, I moved out of my mom's house and moved into a different city with my dad and stepmother. I HATED it with a passion. I was away from all my friends for the first time, and I went from being pretty much independent (My mom let me basically do whatever I wanted once I hit 18) to having to ask my father permission to go to the library, which really chapped my hide, since I had FINALLY hit 18. He also adamantly refused to believe that I was able to think for myself, or that I even had a brain, because I'm a female. Which chapped my hide even more.
Anyway, I somehow managed to convince him I had the mental capacity to handle using a computer ::grin:: so he got me one and After I showed him how to install AOL,(Much to his displeasure cuz he couldn't do it) I was on the internet. It became my escape from being miserable. I'd come home from school or work, and after I was done with my homework, I'd get online for hours. I became addicted to a RPG (Which I still play today heehee)
Taught myself HTML and how to make graphics, and chatted ALOT.
I became close friends with a guy downstate, and when my friend went down there to shop, I went with her to meet him. Heh. He was FINE as hell too. The whole 2 weeks we were down there I spent with him, or he spent with us.
I moved back in with my mom, because I was still utterly miserable, and 3 months later he came to visit me. My mother loved him to death, but it wasn't the same between us. He now hates my guts and refuses to speak to me.
Long distance things don't work for me, and even though I did it as nicely as I could, he still thinks I'm a bitch heh.

 

[Cybergene2k]

Well as Jimmy Carter said a man can lust after women in his mind... and even being married men do such lusting.
This is what men are programmed by nature to do and trying to deny it simply does not stop us wanting variety in our sex lives.

Most of sex is in the mind anyway, I would think over 80% is, and since cyber sex usually does not involve physical
interactions, I see nothing wrong with it. Several young and older ladies have offered me their beds in the real world, but I keep it cyber... or have up to now.
A college girl wants me to be her escort
in Las Vegas, and offers a lot of perks
for my services, so temptation is strong.

This college gal has written me hundreds of very erotic emails for over a year now and she lets me publish some of her mail
on a website in the anonymous mode.
If you wish, I will direct you or anyone
who likes to peruse such mail to the
url of it.

I love women, respect them and thoroughly
enjoy sharing their deep and most intimate fantasies... and giving them
fulfillment. In this medium very hot
females, of all ages, can literally let
their hair down, open up their fantasies
to me and I can give them my own.
I have never violated their confidences and always felt protective and loving
for all of my lady penpals. I do have the ability to put down my thoughts and
dreams in stories and ways that women
seem to be impressed with and almost all of them fall in love with me... and I with them. They become a part of my heart, and will be so forever.

I have found some simple, yet effective ways to write to women, so that they
will be interested and respond. One woman said she had over a hundred men
write her, but deleted their mail after
reading my own. She was a 25 year old
virgin, who wore glasses and thought that the men at her office just ignored her.
She started waking up in the night and
feeling around in her bed for me... wondering where I had gone to; such was
my cyber seduction of her. She became
so aroused that she was frightened and
ran away... but that is rare.

I think cyber sex is great and very
wholesome. It is a catharsis for my
fantasies and very satisfying without all the facades and problems that real life
interactions can cause.

What my "real" lady doesn't know can't hurt me, right?

~Dr. Cybergene ~

 

[Xander]

When I first started to roam various chatrooms and BB's around two years ago. I almost never gave anything away about myself. I changed height, weight, skincolor, age. Everything.
I did it to live out fantasies of being someone else. And it got me quite a few cyber relationships. It was fun. But a few of these relationships started to get more personal, and I felt that my cyber partner gave away more and more of her personal life. It started to feel wrong.
I was bullshitting her with all kinds of made up crab, which had no hold in RL. Another reason why we never meet. Even though we both wanted to.

Eventually I did tell her the truth. She got so furious and angry at me for lying to her. Here I might add that we had agreed not to lie to each other, and I did anyway.
I know I know. I'm scum.
I felt really bad about it so I decided never to make up a new person again.

So for almost a year now, I've been Xander. It's not my real name. But everything else I may have told about me and my life is the truth. And if any of your guys happens to stumble across Xander on another site. Chances are that it's me.
I use the same netname all over. Doesn't matter if it's here on Laurel and Manu's excellent site. Or some other place.

Now I have had a few cyber relationships as Xander, and I've meet two of them in RL. One was a complete disaster, the other went really well, and her I still have contact with. We haven't meet since that first time, but we chat and mail regularly.

What's the point with all this? Simply be yourself, also on the net.
Maybe I'm the only one with a bad experience such as this. You tell me.
As for cybersex is cheating.
No I don't think so. But your partner might think differently. It all depends on who he/she is.
Some feel threatend by the fact that their partner has an online fling.
Others just smile and approves under the heading. "Gain appetite out, eat home"
hmmm, maybe I should get some dinner...

Oh, If any of you girls have been insulted, fucked (so to speak) or in any other way felt badly treated by some guy calling himself Small-V or Smallvally.
I sincerly apologise for my bad behavior.

 

[Guest]

"Rosebud???...I'll tell you about Rosebud."--Citizen Kane

My dearest Rosebud, nice to hear from you hon, it's been awhile. Just remember my single rose, we'll always have our memories of the Tree-House, and the times we shared there...I'll always love you too.

Marlowe PI
aka Bogey

 

[Rosebud]

Endlessly...I never thought that I would actually have someone ask to quote me. Yes, you may, just send me the url so I can read it after it is finished.

 

[Endlessly]

*smiling* I don't know why not, rosebud, you're well-spoken and it's a lovely counterpoint to the story. I'll definitely send you the URL when it's up and running.. Or I could send you my draft via E-mail if you like.

 

[Lasher]

Same here, Endlessly. Feel free to use any of my posts that you would like. I appreciate the offer of only using the nickname we post under here, although I think any chances I had of being elected president went out the window with a 100 hour crystal meth binge in 1987. (To this day, few people who were there have forgotten that one!!) And I'd love to see what you've written when you're done.

 

[Havocman]

Laurel, Endlessly, Lasher...thank you folks for the kind words of encouragement. It's nice to know occasionally that someone might agree with me *smiling*. Also...

Laurel...I don't know if I'd call your life boring, I imagine that if I had to spend as much time as you do playing ringmaster for this three-ring circus, I wouldn't have any time for online relationships either*wink*.

Endlessly...I've become quite a fan of your works, both poetry and prose, and trust me when I say that I find it hard to believe that you would ever have a problem putting your own thoughts into words...BTW kudos on the Poetry Award here *applauding*. Go yourself *grin*.

Lasher...I wouldn't really worry about any past meth binges keeping you out of higher office...*laughing* seen the field of contenders this time around?

 

[Rosebud]

Endlessly..I would appreciate a rough draft thank you

 

[Hans]

I once had an online relationship with a 42 year old woman from New Hampshire. I was 24 at the time and totally into the idea of sex with older women. It started out as simple phone sex and developed into a friendship. We exchanged pictures and I was wanting to fly out and spend some time with her, but she didn't want that. I was starting to get attached and she wasn't looking for a relationship with someone my age. So she pretty much dumped me. I was pretty mad about it but I've gotten over that. I guess telling a woman how much you wish you were there with her and how much you want to make love to her is a good way to scare her off if all she wants is phone sex and a friend. I haven't talked to her in some time now. Connie, if you're reading this I just want to wish you well.

 

[CyberPhD]

Sorry for the delay in posting my experience! Man, time flies these days.....ANYWAY...

Several years ago, when I was an internet newbie, and a major HNG, I became involved with as many women online as possible. It was glorious! Where else in this life can you explore your fantasies as freely as you can on the internet? I never became seriously involved with anyone to the point where I would want to have a RL relationship with them, but I did make some very good female friends. I also met a few of them IRL, but nothing intimate ever happened offline.

My biggest mistake was doing this all behind my wife's back. I now feel very strongly that online affairs, cybersex, etc, ARE cheating on your significant other if they are unaware that you are doing those things! My wife found out about my online relationships via some hastily discarded email. I was a jerk, but fortunately for me, my wife was understanding enough to suggest counseling for us both, which we did for a couple months. I now realize that what I was doing online was a reaction to where my relationship at home was headed. Now that we've worked out the problems at home, I really have no need, nor have any ambition to take it online anymore.

Thanks for letting me share!

 

[Guest]

more to come

O yes I like this topic. I'm going to make a big post about his one. Anyone else can to share?