On your recommendation

[phoenixrhys]

Hello again, poets!

So, the last time I posted, it was recommended that I post my poetry here, before submitting it, to getting some constructive criticism and feedback. I would appreciate either, if that is all right. I'll repeat, I'm new to the poetry section, so any advice is appreciated. I don't think my poetry is very strong, but I'd like to pursue ways to make it better. I did get some really great feedback in a comment on the first poem I submitted, and I am grateful for that.

For your consideration: Here are two versions of the same poem. Which do you think works better? It was intended to be a BDSM poem, but I feel like it is cleaner and works better without the "Master" mention. What do you think?

Bird heart

A bird breathes inside me in place of a heart.
Delicate wings beat against the cage of my ribs.
And only when perched in my Master’s hand
does freedom become transformation.

Feathers curl into scales,
beak sharpens into fangs,
feet lengthen into claws,
song bursts into fiery breath.

The dragon soars, roars, creates, destroys.
The dragon is powerful, beautiful, fearsome.

The dragon with the heart of a bird
returns gladly to my Master’s hands,
and breathes quietly once more inside my breast.

I know the secret to why the caged bird sings.
Not in spite of the cage but because of it.


Or



Bird heart

A bird breathes inside me in place of a heart.
Delicate wings beat against the cage of my ribs.
And only when poised and ready for flight
does freedom become transformation.

Feathers curl into scales,
beak sharpens into fangs,
feet lengthen into claws,
song bursts into fiery breath.

The dragon soars, roars, creates, destroys.
The dragon is powerful, beautiful, fearsome.

The dragon with the heart of a bird
returns spent, ready to rest.
Becomes again the obedient little bird
and breathes quietly once more inside my breast.



Maybe it doesn't actually want to be a BDSM poem?

 

[champagne1982]

Hello again, poets!<snip>
Maybe it doesn't actually want to be a BDSM poem?

Hello Rhys. I'm not sure when BDSM became a sub-genre of poetry. I think I prefer to concentrate on what in the poem teases me and intrigues my inner switch.

With any poem edit the poet should first look at the whole and decide if the message is expressed in the piece. Then closer, decide what works and what doesn't in phrasing, rhythm, and whatever other poetic devices were used to enhance the message. Does the transformation of the bird to dragon work? Does the caged heart image? Change or delete those parts that don't push your reader in the direction you want to take them. The next thing you examine should be each and every word to make sure they're carrying the load of what you're giving your readers. This may be why you find the word "Master" isn't exactly right for you. It's because either Master or freedom can serve as a metaphor for the other, I think.

You have a lot of telling going on especially in the two lines where you TELL us what the dragon is. Try to find a way that shows beauty, fearsome, destruction. Did you know that the face of God was impossible for almost all of the prophets of the old testament to look upon. Even the Leviites who were the high priests of the temple had to shroud their heads to protect them from the awesomeness of presence within the holy of holies. So, can you find a way to convey that kind of thing when you speak about the dragon? It would be a sharper contrast to that frightened little bird of the first strophe, no?

Thanks for sharing your poem. I offer my thoughts freely and without obligation, so use or discard any suggestion as you see fit. This is your poem and only you can decide if it's right or not. All the best ...

 

[phoenixrhys]

Wow, Champagne, thank you. That was really lovely advice. Thank you for spending the time to write that to me.

I definitely see what you are saying. I'm going to look more closely and try to separate the emotion from the poem, so to speak.

When I write stories, it is such a different process. I can brainstorm, write, edit, rewrite ... When I try to write a poem, it's because I'm feeling really emotional or distraught about something, and it just comes out. I don't take the time to craft it, because I don't really know how to do that.

That's what I'm trying to learn how to do, and I really appreciate your feedback.

 

[twelveoone]

Maybe it doesn't actually want to be a BDSM poem?

Most BDSM (or Porn) poems tend to be scripts, the worst is the dom/sub type. In both cases your's transcends that. I prefer #2 largely because this is dropped
"I know the secret to why the caged bird sings.
Not in spite of the cage but because of it."
1. It reminds me of Maya
2. It is a tired motif

the dragon to bird and back is not. what champ has said is excellent advice, think contrast, not quite black/white more crimson/pink.
a further example of what Champ is saying:
The dragon soars, roars, creates, destroys.
this is what it does

The dragon is powerful, beautiful, fearsome.
this is what you say it is, and probably we would know it already

What is more powerful? in the first line you have four verbs, wouldn't it be nice to clue us in as to what it soars, roars, creates, destroys (over or does)