On the Rocks....Feedback Please

[Koba]

Hello Everyone!
I found this site about a week ago. Without a doubt this is the best erotic story site I have found. I started writing my own stories over a year ago. I think my writing has gotten a little better with each one I have written. I posted the story "On the Rocks" here a few days ago at:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67202
I would be very interested to hear any feedback from readers concerning this story. I think it is one of my best. I believe I developed the story quite well. However I think I had a little difficulty bringing the story to a close. Does it show? Please let me know your thoughts!

Koba

 

[kristydoll]

BDSM stories are my weakness - I had to read *smiles*

You do have a nice little story here but I have some comments.

First, try to stay in either the present or past tense - don't use both. And secondly, you have good interaction parts in your story - try and "show" the actions instead of "telling" of them. This would make your story that much better.

I enjoyed it on a whole - I liked the canadian touch! *grins*

kristy

 

[Koba]

Thanks for the comments Kristydoll. I do have this tendency to switch tenses. I am getting better but there is still some going on in the story. Sometimes it can be an effective device to use but not in this case. I am not quite sure what you mean by "showing" the actions rather than telling them. Thank you for posting. I appreciate it!
Koba

 

[kristydoll]

Okay, I will pull out a couple examples.

Next came a flogging, backside first. Michael used a flogger with hundreds of thin rubber tassels. The whipping was done using rapid fire strokes so that Nancy felt the tassels beating her skin more than a hundred times a minute. After the relaxing massage treatment her body was highly susceptible to the erotic pounding of the flogger.

This is a fairly passive paragraph. "The whipping was done" is telling where you could have "shown" his action.

He told her to stand and remove her clothing.

More dialogue between the two characters would also help in this area. In the sentence above, he could have just "said" it.

Just a couple minor observations, but overall you did well *smiles*

kristy

 

[falcon29]

I enjoyed the story. That's the bottom line, isn't it? I didn't notice the tense shift(s), because I wasn't reading it critically. I just read it for entertainment. I was impressed by the lack of spelling errors and grammatical correctness. Those are 'pet peeves' of mine, thanks to my rearing. The setup was good, not overlong, but it allowed the reader to understand the perspective. I didn't miss the lack of more dialog. Dialog helps, but the atmosphere of the story was a reflective, not active. It works.
The ending did fall a little short of the rest of the story. I can't recommend another way to do it, but you're right to be bothered by it.

Good work! Post another one.

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Koba,

I liked the story, thanks for posting it.

BDSM-stories are easily "thick" with the ever present blanket of power imbalance reigning the essence of the story line.
Don't take it for granted too easily. Lead the reader into what it means at that particular moment, between the two characters present. The essence of BDSM is in that mind set, not so much in shackling or otherwise restraining; those are the means rather than the ends I'd say: convince the reader of that point.

Like kristydoll already pointed out better than I could, your story gains in digestability if you add in more direct tense.
And yes, the changes in tense, but that was already mentioned by others.

Keep writing, hope my comments helped somewhat

 

[Koba]

Thank you Paul, Falcon, and Kristy. I will be publishing more stories at this site. I like it! There seem to be a lot of experienced writers here. I certainly can learn a lot. My next story, which is pending approval at the moment, will be "Jennifer's Night Out". I spent a lot of time on it. Very much bdsm. Check it out when it arrives on the scene!

Koba

 

[Singularity]

A Very Original Setting

I, too, enjoyed your story. I especially like artfully conceived scenes and settings for a Dominant to use with a submisisve.

I think that the ending was the weakest part. After such a powerfully conceived sessions, I would have liked to listen in on Nancy's thoughts as she climbed the stairs, and to get a more viscerally visual picture of her - climbing the stairs in the rain/susnshine/stormy clouds, naked and marked from her whipping, her mind replaying the sting of the whip with each step she climbs, dreaming of the next session, etc.

Don't try to pile ALL of that into an ending, it could easily become trite and overloaded. But I think it could end on a stronger note. The act of climbing back to the reality of her day-t-day existence and leaving her Master for now should be a very emotional moment.

And hinting at a sequel, too, perhaps?

 

[Rusher]

Overall, I think this is a good story which could be better.

I would suggest expanding more on what makes her crave being a submissive. You summed up her entire adult life, over 20 years and 3 marriages, in one paragraph, and without showing how any of her past experiences had made her want to surrender and be a submissive. Was there some event in her past, or had she been craving this since childhood?

You might also expand on the correspondence between them before they met. This could really give some insight into what's in her mind, and her motivations for meeting a total stranger in the middle of nowhere to fulfill her desires.

Also, I didn't understand about the meal. If it was meant to show his love and devotion to her, I would suggest expanding on that and finding some additional way to show it. Especially if you intend for the relationship to be continuing.

There's a good example of what I mean in the movie version of Lolita. They needed to show Humbert Humbert's obsession with Lolita, but in a way that would make it past the censors. Kubrick decided to show Humbert lovingly painting her toenails, taking infinite care with each one. If you showed the Master taking those kinds of pains to please his slave (instead of just saying 'you're special') it would give more volume to the relationship. You could probably do that in the scene with the collar.

 

[Koba]

Thanks everyone for all the feedback! I may try to rewrite the ending at some point. As I initially stated I knew it was somewhat weak. This was the longest story I have written so far. Maybe I was afraid of the length. I was also trying to meet a deadline. The story was a gift for a friend in New Brunswick. The tides on the first Sunday in October correspond with those in the story. I guess I pressured myself to finish. I think I realized as I was typing it that the meal scene didn't quite fit. Oh well. I am quite happy and proud of most of the story. I am a raw amateur who just took up writing erotica a few months ago. I have seen tremendous progress in my style and content in a short time. I hope I continue to improve. I may even try writing a story with no sex. Now won't that be boring!!!
Koba

 

[PaulX35]

Pleasure!

Koba,

I just started writing as well, or maybe I took it up again. And it's great fun seeing others enjoy the products of your fantasy. Thanks for taking the effort to respond to what was commented. It makes one feel it was worth the time.

I personally think BDSM can make wonderfully intense erotica, because there is so much mind set behind what happens between characters. If you succeed in really communicating those inner feelings to the reader, you're more than half way past doing a great BDSM-story.
I don't know if you're into a specific caste, but if you would be submissive yourself, it might be an idea to ask a Dom(me) for specific Dom-mindset feedback on stories that present both perspectives? Just an idea that I think might work.