On the job fantasies....................

[12to8]

I think I've fantasized about one person on every job I've had such as in my new story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321475

How about you? Have you written about it?

If you read my story I hope you'll comment on it. I'm trying my best to improve story themes, grammer and interest.

Thanks

 

[Guest]

It's a bit of an abrupt start, isn't it?

Sometimes we joke about grabbing reader interest by having the characters having sex in the first paragraph or sentence, but you really do, don't you?

There really needs to be a bit of something - anything - before they're engaged. Give the reader a chance. We don't even know who Anna or Joe are yet we already know about her brown hole.

Why did he have to untie his right wrist? And why was the doctor demented and filthy? There's no background for these - we don't know what is happening.

Slow down, take your time, build reader anticipation.

You have a great story idea, some lusty and fun thoughts, some good descriptions - you need to expand things.

Good luck!

 

[Guest]

Here's what I mean - here's from the beginning of your story.

Anna spread her legs wide and began to insert a finger into her hole. Then a second went in and the two were pumped wildly in and out. Her thighs shook and her breasts flung about.

"Is this what you wanted to see, Joe? Did you want to see my shaved pussy lips, Joe? Did you want to see my puckered, brown hole, Joe?"

Anna turned onto her knees and now probed her ring finger against her anus. It slid in easily. She pushed it up to the knuckle and turned to look at me.


A TINY BIT of rewriting -

Anna spread her long legs and inserted a finger into her dripping hole. She added another and pumped the two wildly in and out as her thighs shook and her tits bounced.

"Is this what you wanted to see, Joe?" She gasped. "Do you see my shaved pussy? Do you want to see my puckered little ass?"

THEN - you should mention what is happening and why they are there.

She was beautiful and demented, my fantasy Doctor, as she draped her body across my desk at work. I watched her play with . . . (yadda yadda)

THEN finish the scene you'd started.

You've given the audience a clue and now they can enjoy the scene with you. You don't have to change much, just add more in spots.

Does this help?

 

[12to8]

Please look it over again

It's a bit of an abrupt start, isn't it?

Sometimes we joke about grabbing reader interest by having the characters having sex in the first paragraph or sentence, but you really do, don't you?

There really needs to be a bit of something - anything - before they're engaged. Give the reader a chance. We don't even know who Anna or Joe are yet we already know about her brown hole.

Why did he have to untie his right wrist? And why was the doctor demented and filthy? There's no background for these - we don't know what is happening.

Slow down, take your time, build reader anticipation.

You have a great story idea, some lusty and fun thoughts, some good descriptions - you need to expand things.

Good luck!

I'm so glad you responded to my thread, Sweet.

It appears that I copied and pasted my story to this thread from the second page.

Please give it a second look. I'm sure, with your posted opinion I may pass muster.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321475&page=1

Thanks again for reading the story.

 

[mjl2010]

You should edit your first post so page one comes up instead of page two. Just edit the message and change page=2 to page=1

MJL

 

[12to8]

You should edit your first post so page one comes up instead of page two. Just edit the message and change page=2 to page=1

MJL

Thanks, MJL.

Did it.