On raising someone else's children....

[MissTaken]

IT just seems we haven't had too many threads about step parenting.

IT can be a difficult and complex issue, being involved in child rearing when their is a "real" dad or "real' mom somewhere else.

What are some of the pitfalls?

What are some of the high points?

If you are a single parent, at what point does your date's child rearing points of view become important?

How do you chose to enter into such a situation as a step or single parent?

Just food for thought.....

 

[sexy-girl]

i had my cousin over here with his step children (they are 10) they seemed to get on well although they were in a bit of a mood because my cousin had made them walk over ... but they cheered up when they were playing ball with the dog

he got a cab back though ... my uncle was on the phone to my cousin and said why not walk back too ... my cousin said princess doesn't walk she needs her horse and chariot


the step kids seemed lovely though and got on well with their step dad

 

[Debbie]

It can be difficult being a step parent. It is a lot easier if the step kids Mum and Dad have a fairly amicable relationship. Otherwise it is way more hassle for everybody involved.

I've been a step Mum for 6 years now to four kids. One lived with us for four years and has left home. And two visit off and on. The oldest child has lived with with us off and on and is Mum to our grandbaby.

bigrednz is step Dad to my two kids but he says he has 6 kids.

The best piece of advice I can give to anyone who is dating and one or both of you has kids? Communication and ensuring the kids don't feel left out. bigrednz and I mainly took the kids with us (we had one on one time too - that is really important!!!) but felt that including the kids was realistic in our case because we had so many between us.

Some of the pitfalls are when there is little or no communication between step parent and the parent who is somewhere else and the kids play one parent against another. It creates stress and ill feeling when it would be so much easier if the adults behaved like adults not like silly headless chickens.

When you are a step parent you have to be who you are right from the beginning. I have seen step families that are disfunctional because the step parent was very laid back, wanting to be friends with the kids and not having boundaries for the kids and when they try and be firm the kids rebel.

Being consistent and caring right from the beginning worked for me. I spent heaps of time with the kids, playing games, sport, talking to them. It was/is a lot of fun being a step parent.

Definitely challenging and occassionally rough as the two oldest were 16 and 14 at the time and we had the teenage years to do our best and muddle through. I am proud to say the one kid who left home recently has moved away, has a full time job, a girlfriend, a car and is doing very well for himself. It is a neat feeling sharing this time as he grew up.

It is hard when you are dating to decide when you need to talk about each other parenting views. I kinda went with the flow and bigrednz and I just fell into parenting together especially since my ex was not a good role model or parent to his kids.

We talked about all sorts of things and asked the kids how they felt about us moving in together. We involved them as much as possible, taking them on outings etc. They were part and parcel of lives and somehow things just worked themselves out for the best.

 

[Guest]

 

[intrigued]

Re: Re: On raising someone else's children....

It can be difficult being a step parent. It is a lot easier if the step kids Mum and Dad have a fairly amicable relationship. Otherwise it is way more hassle for everybody involved.

I've been a step Mum for 6 years now to four kids. One lived with us for four years and has left home. And two visit off and on. The oldest child has lived with with us off and on and is Mum to our grandbaby.

bigrednz is step Dad to my two kids but he says he has 6 kids.

The best piece of advice I can give to anyone who is dating and one or both of you has kids? Communication and ensuring the kids don't feel left out. bigrednz and I mainly took the kids with us (we had one on one time too - that is really important!!!) but felt that including the kids was realistic in our case because we had so many between us.

Some of the pitfalls are when there is little or no communication between step parent and the parent who is somewhere else and the kids play one parent against another. It creates stress and ill feeling when it would be so much easier if the adults behaved like adults not like silly headless chickens.

When you are a step parent you have to be who you are right from the beginning. I have seen step families that are disfunctional because the step parent was very laid back, wanting to be friends with the kids and not having boundaries for the kids and when they try and be firm the kids rebel.

Being consistent and caring right from the beginning worked for me. I spent heaps of time with the kids, playing games, sport, talking to them. It was/is a lot of fun being a step parent.

Definitely challenging and occassionally rough as the two oldest were 16 and 14 at the time and we had the teenage years to do our best and muddle through. I am proud to say the one kid who left home recently has moved away, has a full time job, a girlfriend, a car and is doing very well for himself. It is a neat feeling sharing this time as he grew up.

It is hard when you are dating to decide when you need to talk about each other parenting views. I kinda went with the flow and bigrednz and I just fell into parenting together especially since my ex was not a good role model or parent to his kids.

We talked about all sorts of things and asked the kids how they felt about us moving in together. We involved them as much as possible, taking them on outings etc. They were part and parcel of lives and somehow things just worked themselves out for the best.

I agree totally with you, and it doesn't really matter if I do or don't, what matters is that it's working out for you guys. That is so refreshing. Each situation is unique, there is no master plan or instruction manual, you have to go through the growing pains and "grow" as you go.

I think the bottom line is giving the children the freedom to communicate honestly with YOU. They need to know their importance and their place in the grand scheme of things, and believe that they are safe, secure, and loved. They need to know that when they feel something isn't working right, that you will give a damn and do your best to work through it with them and improve it as best you can. They need to feel important...children often feel helpless and will just repress and withdraw. If you truly give them the freedom to express themselves to you without fear, guilt or shame, it goes a long way towards the kind of family harmony we all seek and need.