on my knees

[Unsung Muse]

first story submission...

craving feedback, begging for criticism (constructive or otherwise) --
really looking to improve!

"A Fissure In The Ice"


Much Obliged!

 

[Chimney Sweep]

I'll trade ya!

I'll go read and comment on your stuff, but please do the same for mine. I'm feelign needy today.

 

[Unsung Muse]

It's a deal! Is there one in particular you think I should start with?

 

[kbate]

I found a few dozen minor grammar problems and punctuation problems.

You violate Rule 17 on occasion, using unnecessary words.
one example - the note had arrived (the note arrived)

Several sentences start with conjunctions, "But Now.." should be simply "Now......"
(one time is technique, 20 is annoying)

A few adverbs could be deleted.... "stunningly" etc..

Several passive voice phrases.

I like the story idea and the text, but the use of the conjunctions kept me from truly enjoying the read.

 

[Unsung Muse]

Thank you... I really appreciate your time. Very helpful!

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Muse,

Sorry this took so long, but I wanted to expand my statements.

I'm not qualified to critique you. I'm more of a mechanic, while you are more of a musician. It'd be like a fish critiquing a bird on it's flight. I enjoyed your story, but it is so different from what I do (and in general what I like) that I don't feel like I can give you a proper judgement. I gave a 75/100 as a measure against my personal likes, and I felt bad doing it. I almost put in 100 - I waffled badly.

I'm not a grammar nazi so I can't help you there. Your work is distinctive and I would enjoy reading more. A fish can learn about flight, even if he can't fly.

 

[Newstart]

Just wonderful, other worldly, ethereal, all in the mind which is where true eroticism lies.
I'll have to add a dream sequence to my current project so that I can breath some of your style into it.
If I may.

 

[Unsung Muse]

How flattering! Thank you SO much.

 

[_sweetuntilforever]

I read it...

I enjoyed reading your story overall. I thought the language was very rich and beautiful, however somewhat confusing at times.

It was very erotic and would love to hear more about her and the man's relationship in another story...maybe she finally does meet with him in person?

You have quite an imagination.

 

[PG13]

Nice work, muse.

Several passive voice phrases.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but what's wrong with the passive voice? The grammer check tools in the word processor programs don't like it either. I spent a lot of time learning to use the passive voice, why is it a bad thing now?

 

[Unsung Muse]

Thanks "PG13" -- I was really hoping somone
would address your question here RE passive voice...

 

[AmbientBaka]

Passive voice should be avoided, in general. Its occasional use is not unacceptable, but most things sound better when they are in the active voice.

Having said that, I will now go back and read the story.

 

[kbate]

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but what's wrong with the passive voice? The grammer check tools in the word processor programs don't like it either. I spent a lot of time learning to use the passive voice, why is it a bad thing now?

----------

There is nothing wrong with passive voice when talking about objects but when speaking of human actions the passive voice is weak. Passive voice works well in technical writing, documentaries and in descriptive writing. In action or adventure (or erotica), the action should be performed by the character, not onto them.

He performed incredible sex on me. -- passive voice, sex becomes the object with the person becoming a cold hunk of flesh receiving an action.

We made love. - better.

I do not believe you are likely to find a single writing or editing source recommending heavy use of the passive voice outside of technical writing. It simply takes the action away from the characters and gives it to the objects and irrelevant nouns.

And stop using adverbs too was angrily said by her in a sentence improperly begun with a conjunction.

 

[Unsung Muse]

And stop using adverbs too was angrily said by her in a sentence improperly begun with a conjunction.

Point taken! Loud & clear...

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Sunday

I just read your other story and enjoyed it very much. I saw you mention that you didn't care for it - that's a shame (in my opinion) since I think you handled it very well.

 

[Unsung Muse]

I just read your other story and enjoyed it very much. I saw you mention that you didn't care for it - that's a shame (in my opinion) since I think you handled it very well.

You're a doll. Thank you. I really need to learn the fine art
of self-promotion<lol>... when I re-read that post I realized
how ridiculous it sounded. I might as well have said:
"Hey, this sucks. Please read it!"

 

[Chimney Sweep]

You're a doll. Thank you. I really need to learn the fine art
of self-promotion<lol>... when I re-read that post I realized
how ridiculous it sounded. I might as well have said:
"Hey, this sucks. Please read it!"

Not at all - you didn't claim it sucked, merely that you didn't enjoy writing it. I can completely identify with that. I try to challenge myself occasionally to write something with which I may not be completely familiar or comfortable. I don't think any of those have reached this website yet - they remain unfinished, proving, I guess, that I have not successfully challenged myself yet. Hmmm. Anyway, if one wishes to expand one's horizons, one must step out of one's comfort zone. You appear to have done that, and done it well.

 

[Unsung Muse]

Just a little 'bump' for me... trying to get better at pimping myself <lol>

I'd be thrilled with any comments or feedback on my winter holiday
submission: "The Seventh Snowfall"