On Being Dominant - Experience and Lessons Learned Part 1

[Hypocrites]

PART I​

I come from a generation with an attention span. (I do not, so enjoy some TLDRs) This is even long for me so I will try to separate it out in more edible chunks. If you are one that's interested but does not read long works, feel free to break and return. This post is in three parts.

I see a lot of good threads (and some subpar ones) about various acts within the dynamic, many on how to be a good sub and how to be safe doing it. I hope to provide that level of discussion here.

I have directed @HyposMuse to offer her commentary on this and her words are included (colored font).

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Introduction​

I always knew I'm a dominant person. I've been called intense, focused, scary and that's just daily life. In my world, anything less would have likely ended me. That said, my first experience as a dom or BDSM in general was nearly 46 years ago and I did NOT know what I was doing.

I learned a couple of things that day. Number one is I enjoyed it... a lot. Two, I didn't know how to do it right and I needed to learn more if I wanted to do it again. Don't misunderstand me, it was an amazing experience for both of us but she'd rather have had an easier time walking and sitting at her job afterward.

What I hope to do here is look at what I learned way back then and how it still applies as I venture back into the BDSM world.
(I was considered “dominant” in my day to day working life from an early age. Take charge, get it done, a “go to” kind of personality. I haaaate it. Being submissive feels like coming home after a long day and taking off that bra that fits a little too tight. Relief. Turning my brain off has always been the ultimate goal for my BDSM journey, from beginning to even now. But other fulfilling things have been found, cherished, and gained from the dynamic.)

I hope this stimulates your own thoughts on the topic and whether you are a Dom/Domme or a sub, you will share them here to help others learn. Myself included. I am not some guru, I certainly am not a "professional" of any kind. I would just like to see more discussion of the dynamics and the role of a dom/domme in effective and fulfilling training of subs.

That long winded and verbose introduction out of the way please allow me to begin with a touch of my own experience.

Discovering Dominance In Sex​

In my early coming of age, my dominant (may be called assertive) traits expressed themselves in my willingness to make critical decisions quickly and correctly. In the Army and even decades later in my career with Dallas, I made life or death decisions and even sent others to risk their own lives. A mistake would likely end me or someone else. The result is I was wired to function on the edge in all aspects of my life.

Looking back at everything I’ve done, I can see my core needs to protect, serve and provide safety to others also pushed me to be dominant in bed. As twisted and self serving as that sounds, I can point to specific points where I became dominant specifically because I KNEW I was safe. That I could give a sub what she craved while ensuring she didn’t fall prey to those that would harm her; or that she may harm herself trying for self fulfillment. The question of why I enjoy this level of control is still floating around.

After that first encounter, I seemed to attract submissive women. Since that first foray, every lover and even my wife have been subordinate to me in the bedroom to one degree or another. Everyone has been bound at some time or another with many lovers before I was married enjoying sado-masochism, bondage and discipline or dominance and submission. Some wanted extreme scenes with what many would call then as deviant desires. One wanted "no limits" CNC and that got dark.

There were lots of reasons for what they wanted and I had no idea why I wanted to be that for them. I'm not a psychologist or sex therapist but I can read those that are.

The internet was the purview of universities and the military then so anything I was to learn meant a trip to the "big" library. Even this biker pretending to be a college freshman when his friends were graduating wanted to be good at it and be safe. Physical safety is paramount. Emotional safety is equally so or more important.

The understanding I garnered from that studying and taking the time to talk with my subs made mine and their fulfillment so much more complete. Now since my return to the world of BDSM, there's all sorts of tools, information and apps to help Doms/Dommes/subs have complete and near perfect meshing. There are terms developed to succinctly describe what was once whispered about in sentences and euphemism; standardizing the language if you will. And there's a massive record of best practices in BDSM.

There is ONE overarching "umbrella" that I discovered early on... trust. Submission is a gift, a surrender of power, sexual fulfillment and even (especially) discipline. The sub must trust his/her dominant to care for their needs by guiding, training and yes, the correcting and punishing of bad habits and other infractions. All with a goal toward allowing one's sub to fulfill their need to serve their dominant. They have a desire to be "good" and to please their owner/dominant. They trust that you (the dominant) will be safe, even sheltering.

If that trust is not there, there is no relationship. Just a sadist and a masochist or a master and a slave dynamic. Scenes without depth, without an emotional joining of the two.

These last two are perfectly legitimate dynamics between consenting adults but I feel there isn't the bond, the connection or the love that a truly sound BDSM coupling provides. Your mileage may vary. (Those types of dynamics can be fulfilling for all kinds of people, but in this thread we will be discussing the connections that come from fully meshed BDSM dynamics. As someone who came up in casual training style BDSM relationships, I think that the value found in them can vary per person and that they can also be extremely harmful if the individuals in the dynamic haven’t spent the time to explore who they are and what they are really looking for out of BDSM.)

Now let's try and understand why we choose this lifestyle. Taking a look at whether we are dominant or submissive and understanding how to maximize the devotion and fulfillment that comes from an obedient submissive serving her dominant.

As we go, please offer up any insights or tips to make this thread a tool. Offer answers to questions if you know. My sub, @HyposMuse (Hello!) has my permission to offer her own insights on this topic as well and I hope other subs will participate.

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To Be Continued...​

 

[Hypocrites]

PART II​

Understanding Why​

In all of those studies I read there were precious few insights why one becomes dominant in a BDSM dynamic. There’s still a dearth in my opinion. Nowadays there’s lots of valuable information on how to be a dom out there, “do this, not that” kind of advice.

Understanding why I became dominant and more is elusive. In those early days, while Masters & Johnson and others wrote at length about what creates submissives, it seemed that those such as myself were almost an after thought. The yin to the sub’s yang. (TLDR; Masters and Johnson saw sexual submission as a normal erotic expression where giving up control heightens arousal and release. They framed it as a healthy way some people channel desire through structure, boundaries, and the relief of surrender.)

The only things pointing at all to a dominant’s reasons were in the DSMs and magazine treatments on the psychology of sadism in the context of some very bad disorders.

Now as I reenter the world of domination, there’s the internet. Being the internet there’s a lot of so-called “intellectual” treatments that read as erotica to fap to. But there are some, rarer, explorations that have valuable information. Be discerning. If the article gets you hot, reason out if it’s because it resonates or because it’s masturbatory bullshit.

In my case, as I started reading what’s out there and connecting online with well reasoned subs and a couple of dommes, I found some great insights to understanding myself and my sub. For example, @HyposMuse has submitted to my ownership and control. She has a lot of experience and has experienced the right way and wrong way (read abuse) to dominate and I have learned from her too. (TLDR; Came up in the online and in person BDSM scene younger than I should have, then left the scene for about 10 years as I was in a vanilla marriage. Reentered the world post-divorce and am finding my stride as a subby woman who has been lucky enough to find a real Dom to explore with.)

As I wrote there was not much on why people become a dominant but concerning the reasons behind why people become subs, there’s a good deal more information.

The reasons that a person becomes interested in the BDSM lifestyle are legion. Herding those cats is beyond the scope or my intellect so we’ll table that side of the puzzle. (Sex has always been painted as something forbidden, something people are supposed to tiptoe around or only talk about in whispers. Especially for those of us with a history of abuse or trauma. That kind of framing leaves a lot of us confused, scared, or carrying shame. For me, submission is one way of taking that mystery and turning it into something grounding. In BDSM the rules and boundaries are laid out on the table, and that clarity transforms what feels dangerous or traumatizing into something safe, even liberating. I have often joked that as a neurospicy person, I need a clear rulebook for my relationships in order to feel safe, and BDSM gives me exactly that. What might overwhelm me in a vague or unspoken way becomes freeing when it is structured, intentional, and openly named. End my two cents on that.)

As a dom there is one aspect we have to accept.

Our sadism. I would have and have recently argued I was not sadistic. Now before you say as a dom you don’t have any sadism in you, remember that having a part of your makeup being sadistic, does NOT make one a sadist. Sadism is a facet that informs our ability to give the sub what she/he is seeking. Sadists are an entirely different animal.

As a dom, there has to be a sadistic part or you won’t ever take control when the gift of submission is given to you. In a healthy BDSM relationship your sadism allows you to enjoy the careful fulfillment of a sub’s needs. After all, us humans aren’t going to keep up with something that we get no pleasure out of. The recognition that we have that in us goes a long way toward finding completion in a sub. (Sadism in a controlled way is not something to hide or feel shame about. It is a way of exploring intensity and power with care, where trust and consent shape every moment. What might look harsh from the outside is actually a form of intimacy, because it is built on safety, honesty, and the freedom to let go.)

BDSMtest, A Tool​

So fellow dom, for now we must abandon our quest to understand why we are dominants. In turn our attention to how we transform our controlling and disciplining to one of the most fulfilling, most intimate and closely bonding relationships we can have.

Okay, as a dom with dozens of relationships reinforcing your need for a healthy D/s, M/s, DD/lg relationship. I reiterate that if you don’t take stock in yourself and who your sub is; the whole thing will effectively be a role play.

What I’m hawking here is the utmost fulfillment and sexual satiation in an actual relationship. If that doesn’t trigger your desire for a relationship based in trust and an intense joining of two souls and you just want to feel the pliability of a sub under your hand (no judgement here) join a dungeon.*

The way I have always respected and treated women in the day-to-day made me argue that there was no sadism. After all, would sadism allow you to gain satisfaction from the fulfillment of your sub? Yes. Unless your wiring is just crossed up.

As I wrote, I felt my way through becoming a good dom with precious little data. A lot of hit or miss (pardon the pun) especially early on. There’s a tool the modern user has that allows you to get a solid idea of whether you’re a sub or dom, what aspects are front and center and will inform your interactions with a sub. Likewise it helps a sub know more about who might be a compatible and satisfying dom.

BDSMtest is not scientific and if one wants to portray themselves as something to the world it's easy to manipulate. It is dissimilar than a scientific diagnostic battery but if you take it in all honestly, it still provides one with insight into their makeup as it applies to the lifestyle.

Remember how I wrote about denying and arguing I had any sadism in me? Again, because of the way I treat women and even my subs, I couldn’t see it because I sought to fulfill my sub’s needs.

A friend on Lit, argued with me about my sadistic side and talked me into taking the BDSM Test and I was surprised. I also came to terms with aspects I didn’t know I had and have been able to better understand my needs and role as a dom.

Here’s a sample from my test:

100% Dominant
94% Master/Mistress
92% Rigger
84% Owner
80% Primal (Hunter)
75% Sadist
75% Degrader
73% Brat tamer
72% Daddy/Mommy
57% Non-monogamist
46% Experimentalist
43% Voyeur
41% Vanilla
38% Exhibitionist
2% Ageplayer

Every other item was 0%.

From Muse:
100% Ageplayer
100% Little
99% Submissive
97% Exhibitionist
96% Voyeur
94% Masochist
92% Non-monogamist
86% Degradee
86% Rope bunny
84% Experimentalist
81% Slave
80% Pet
77% Brat
62% Primal (Prey)
44% Switch
25% Daddy/Mommy
23% Rigger
15% Owner
13% Dominant
10% Sadist
9% Vanilla
9% Degrader
6% Brat tamer
3% Master/Mistress
2% Primal (Hunter)

When I found myself attracted to my Muse we knew each other’s makeup. And our results helped us understand each other long before she came down to “consummate” our pact and my claiming ownership of her.

This discussion could become a good deal more convoluted, I’ll leave you with this. Go to https://bdsmtest.org if you haven’t already and learn who you are in the BDSM world. If you have already taken it, take a moment and reflect whether you took it honestly or to put forward a particular “image” to others.

(TL;DR The BDSM test is like a cheat sheet for your desires. It gives you words for the things you feel but maybe never knew how to name, and sometimes it surprises you with kinks you did not realize you had. Think of it as a map that turns “I dunno, I just like this” into an actual conversation starter with yourself and with partners. 10/10 highly recommended.)

*If a relationship is not what you seek but rather to work out whatever is eating you as a dom or sub, dungeons (mostly) provide a safe and controlled environment to experience those things you seek without a commitment.

To Be Continued... Again​

 

[Hypocrites]

Part III​

Responsible Domination Requires Understanding​

I started this discussion talking about submission being a gift. Properly curated, she/he will become a priceless treasure like my Muse, to be cared for and protected. (Meh.) [We'll talk about this later Muse]

But now that you, as a dom know what makes you desire dominating and owning another human being (after all you took the BDSM test objectively and honestly), you need to understand what your sub needs and why that’s present in her/his need to surrender control.

In my distant past when I was learning how to be a more responsible and better dominant, I read on why subs sought out binding, surrender, and pain in their desire to be submissive. Since this discussion is about BDSM, I’m lumping the submissive and masochistic traits together. As one feeds the other.

So I read everything I could to understand my subs and why they sought the things they did. This is not a treatment of the psychology but a look at what drives a sub to turn over their self determination and sexual satisfaction to a dom.

Again, trust is paramount here and it’s a two way street. To be a responsible and desirable dom requires you know your sub and understand on some level, why they seek what they do.

In my past, I had subs that wanted to surrender their freedom and experience what it’s like to be captive and bound so that they would be helpless before me.

Others sought a more disciplinary and punishing relationship. While others sought even brutal treatment. The latter showed me I was capable of some very dark things to bring my sub fulfillment. And that scared me.

I’m working from memory here so don’t “at me” about my breakdown here. (Ok, Boomer. It’s @me.) In my study to understand how I could be the best dom my subs had ever had I began to understand from the studies why my different subs sought different things in our dynamics.

My recent return to the world in by finding and claiming of my Muse, a relationship born of a deep knowledge of each other and the resurrection of my long dead ability to love; has vindicated what I learned back then. But now there’s the added advantage of having the terminology also.

THE BASIC AND MOST PROMINENT DRIVES TO SUBMIT:​

In all of those studies then and echoed in current wisdom, the majority of reasons a sub desires to be controlled and to experience pain in sex is what modern psychology describes as Sexualized Trauma.

• A sub often became submissive and masochistic due to sexual abuse, rape and other trauma wherein they experienced a purely physiological and self preserving response. Climaxes during rape for example.
• There is a drive to reclaim their power over this by willingly submitting to one they trust who can replicate that pleasure and pain together. The difference being it is the sub willing to endure, revel in and decide when and how she/he will experience it.
• As a dom, it is our role to understand how these things affect our sub and be trauma informed so that we don’t damage our treasured sub or know how to ground them when they are triggered and end up reliving the trauma.
• Know your sub, their trauma and what still triggers them. The severity of her/his treatment is not correlated to when and how severe the triggering is.
• With my beautiful sub, I was not prepared but adapted when she placed my hand on her throat, and trusted me with her trauma. Know that a sub can find healing in her/his coaxing you into reclaiming a trigger point. Be prepared to immediately stop and reassure your sub that they are safe.
• A lesser but still large portion of those studied become submissives and masochists is something lacking in their upbringing or their day-to-day lives.
  • Maybe there was no discipline and/or affection growing up. Yet they knew they needed discipline to feel love.
  • Maybe their day-to-day requires them, with a naturally submissive urge, to be “in charge” in control. The pressure is constant and to have a dom they trust and are devoted to; allows them to surrender. The high pressure professional can offer her/his submission, sexual satisfaction and pain to their dom. It’s an escape to allow another to take all of their decisions away from them… at least for a while.
• Finally, the smallest basic group but not an insignificant number are the “naturals”. These are study respondents that no correlation to their past or trauma or some other psychology exists. They simply desire being dominated and/or punished in their sexual lives.

(When I first stepped into BDSM, masochism became a way to punish myself for what I had been through, but also a way to explore those feelings in a space that felt safe. Over time I learned that people come to submission for many different reasons. For some it is tied to trauma, where the body once learned to survive by mixing pain and pleasure, and later seeks to reclaim that power in moments of choice and trust. Others find submission because they need structure, discipline, or relief from the weight of constant responsibility, while some are simply drawn to the joy of surrender without a deeper cause. As a survivor of sexual violence, I have come to see submission not as punishment but as a way to rewrite my story. Choosing when, how, and with whom I give up control transforms what was once frightening into something intimate, grounding, and deeply healing.)

Nope, Keep Reading...​

 

[Hypocrites]

Part IV​

Okay, Okay… I’m a Dom, Now What?​

So you’ve come to terms with being a dom, accepted you have some modicum of sadism that equips you to apply correction, discipline and even torment to fulfill your subs needs… and your own.

I wrote earlier that submission is a gift. If you believe it’s something to be taken, then you are not the audience for this. The whole point is surrender. And when you accept the gift, the treasure of a sub that is devoted to serving you and wants to become yours to own, to guide and to correct; you are also their protector.

Don’t fall into the trap of perpetuated myths from porn, your sub has agency and even in a Total Power Exchange can set limits.

I also wrote how important trust is, This comes from getting to know your sub. In my case Muse and I knew things about each other that our own families and best friends didn’t know about us.

So for starters, get to know your sub and see if you can glean where the submissive nature was born and what has fomented it since its inception. The test is a good starter as an outline. You learn what areas and aspects are higher up on your proclivities. It can also outline your negotiations, which areas might you be able to add to or subtract from; to meet your sub where they are comfortable.

Yes I said negotiations. Your sub must be allowed to set limits. As a dom, you can seriously injure a sub, physically and psychologically. Your sub wants the surrender, you want the responsibility of ownership with its rewards of service, obedience and submission laid at your feet.

Throughout your relationship, your sub must be allowed “safe zones” to talk to you about fears, desires and they should be able to trust you.

You should foster a level of trust that, while completely submissive, they know they have permission to purge emotions that you might stir up in your scenes. I consider this purge, whether it’s breaking down during or crying out some long needed release as part of my after care.

Have a plan for aftercare, this can take on many forms. It may be as simple as feeding water to your sub when they are tied or as intimate as holding them while they experience their catharsis. (I really agree with this and would add that aftercare needs the same level of negotiation as the play itself. What feels supportive for one submissive can be completely triggering for another, so it helps to create a plan together, even a simple one. For example: if I start crying, please hand me my stuffy, make me tea, and speak in a low voice. Please do not touch me until I ask. Or another example: if I go quiet and withdrawn, please hold me close and remind me I am safe. Please do not leave the room right away. Laying out those details ahead of time gives everyone clarity and takes away the guesswork in the moment. And because needs can shift, having a plan B and even plan C makes space to pivot and still provide care without panic or pressure. That kind of openness and flexibility builds trust right from the start.)

Safe Words and Check-Ins are vital. One failure of yours (the dom) to honor a safe word destroys the trust you’ve built and can traumatize your sub. Safe words should be easily remembered, easy to understand especially if a gag is being used.

They also should be completely removed from any possibility of getting confused with whatever you might be doing. One that I’ve used with Muse was “marshmallow”. There’s NO way to confuse that with anything.

Check Ins should always follow a scene. As a dom though, understand your sub. Be aware of physiological and mental signs they may be slipping away. My life has been largely about saving others so I often can sense when whatever we’re doing needs to stop, check in is needed, or just a calming respite in the midst of intense punishment.

The simplest way to do this is the traffic light code. Your sub should be trained to respond to the words “check in” regardless of how deep into sub space, little space or other state.

“Green” means despite the protestations or cries, your sub is okay. They feel safe.

“Yellow” means you are getting close to overwhelming your sub. Pausing here to calm and let your sub reset is a best practice. In some cases, the sub may wish to be pushed to red. But you must stop everything at “Red”.

“Red” is the proverbial rip cord. If your sub is “Red” when you pause, number one that scene is over and you must let your sub know they are safe. Be prepared for a prolonged after care with a lot of reassurance.

“Red” trumps even safe words. Your sub cries “red” EVERYTHING stops. Whether it’s suffering or the emotions that are overwhelming your sub, this is a life safety issue.

(I love this breakdown and I agree that check-ins are non-negotiable. I would also add that the traffic light system can be adapted to fit the needs of the people involved. I have seen some folks add in “yield” as a way to say “I need a short pause but I want to continue,” or even use extra colors to mean very specific things unique to them. The important part is that both partners are clear on what each word means before play starts. The traffic light system is a great foundation, but customizing it makes communication even sharper and safer. And in my opinion, any Dom who does not understand that the submissive is ultimately in charge at the end of the day does not understand true BDSM and should probably do some deeper introspection.)

Final thought on safe words. All those decades ago, I had one sub, working through God knows what. She refused safe words or any limits. She kept pushing for more and more brutal treatment. I knew I was safe, that I wouldn’t lose control yet I did things with and to her that still bother me. I was still too naive and too horny to refuse.

The truth is, as brutal as it got, I believe it wouldn’t haunt me that much if it had been within defined limits, with a safe word, etc. This applies for doms accepting subs and subs offering themselves to a dom equally. If either partner refuses safe words, believes there are times when safe words can be ignored; run. Same if they insist on “no limits”. That is not a BDSM relationship, it’s straight up abusive. (I have been in relationships that called themselves BDSM but were really just abuse. My hard limits were broken and I was told I was a bad sub for even having them. That is not submission, that is manipulation. No one decides your limits but you, and they are not up for debate. Any Dom who says their needs are more important than your boundaries can fuck right off. Boundaries can shift, triggers can be trained, and lines can be redrawn, but that has to happen with care, respect, and consent. It is fluid and unique, just like each dynamic should be.)

Rules and Expectations​

As a dom you’ll make the rules your sub needs to obey. Depending on how total the power exchange it could be as simple as how your sub is to stand, kneel, address you all the way to even the day to day decisions requiring your approval.

In all cases rules need to accommodate your sub’s real world obligations. For instance we have carve outs in our rule on no bra and panties for professional obligations. If it’s not in a carve out, permission is asked.

Expectations are paramount for building trust and expectations will help your sub learn to be consistently submissive. They know what’s expected from them and you know what to expect. Likewise your sub knows what to expect when they violate a rule or fail in a task.

What’s important here is that discipline comes when it is expected, that there is a defined consequence (there can be preset “if this, than this” punishments) with a clearly stated set of what’s about to happen.

Example: A transgression has occurred and you determine that your sub will be caned 10 times on the ass. Then it’s 10 times. Not 11, not a “few more” because you are enjoying it.

As a dom, transgressions should never be treated in anger. They should be addressed consistently and every time. Don’t overlook a transgression or task failure. A dom is effectively the judge and must consider mitigations. Sometimes defining the punishment and then reducing it will affect your sub more then the extra strikes or whatever.

If your sub offends and it has never been discussed, correct them. Tell them what the offense was and what a “next time” will result in. Don’t start punishing without the sub knowing why. I have, on a first offense, corrected verbally and even asked what she thought she deserved for it. THEN there was a contemporaneous punishment/discipline applied.

I know this seems really structured but it’s not really. There are guardrails but a lot happens organically and painful enhancement of your sub’s experience can and will happen apart from discipline and punishment. Consistency and fairness foster trust and provide your sub a feeling of safety and of being protected.

(I agree that consistency and fairness are the foundation of trust, and they give us as submissives the safety we need to let go. At the same time, there can be room for looser boundaries if it is talked about and agreed on. For example, going into a scene with the understanding of “I will punish until you tap out” can be powerful, but only if both partners have consented to that style of play. Everything comes back to negotiation and clarity. We know our dynamics and our partners best, and that understanding is what makes it safe to push, bend, or loosen boundaries when desired.)

Almost There!​

 

[Hypocrites]

Part V​

A Word on Sexualized Trauma​

Whatever drives a submissive’s need for the stricture of BDSM and the surrender of themselves for another, a responsible dom will not only fulfill their sub but can actually help heal them.

There are things that we all carry that can be healed, fulfilled or purged through BDSM. As sexualized trauma was the largest demographic in those that become submissives, you are more likely to connect with a sub that has some or a lot of sexualized trauma.

There is power in surrender for a sub that carries trauma. That power comes, again from what is studied, by a couple of different paths.

One, reclaiming their sexuality by choosing to accept the pleasure their body experienced during the traumatic event and integrating it through BDSM. Essentially claiming their power by choosing to pursue their fulfillment with acts that may be very similar to what was done to them.

Another path is reclaiming their power from feeling helpless when being abused by CHOOSING when, where and with who to surrender their will and bodies to a dom.

Even CNC has been recommended by therapists in the same way PTSD in soldiers is sometimes treated by virtually recreating the traumatic event. Reintegration and desensitization.

(Yes, CNC can work in a similar way to exposure therapy, but it is not something to enter lightly. You must be resourced and prepared to feel discomfort, because old pain and emotions will be revisited. Grounding techniques like creating a container, having a safe space, or using sensory regulation are essential to keep the nervous system steady. Just like in exposure therapy, the key is to be exposed, to let your body elevate, and then to fully return to regulation and calm. That full cycle is what makes it stabilizing rather than retraumatizing.)

BDSM is not therapy but it can be therapeutic. The thing that’s important is communication. Know what happened, what they know is triggering so you can avoid it in your scenes and that anything might be a trigger.

In my own life, even as unemotional as I tend to be, there are moments where some extremely violent, heartbreaking or life threatening experience I’ve had comes rushing back. It may be a sound, a smell or maybe seeing a face that reminds you of one you saw in a tragedy. You never know.

Likewise, your sub with her history of abuse, rape, etc. may be set off by seemingly unrelated events or sensations. My precious Muse has a history replete with trauma and at one time was nearly strangled to death.

I remember an allergic reaction, dangerous because it was causing her throat to swell, setting off a panic attack. This would have almost certainly exacerbated her body's allergic response and turned into a critical and life threatening event. Fortunately she was able to ground and was successful in getting treated for the anaphylaxis.

The point of this is a dom needs to be trauma informed if their sub has a history of it. Even if their submission and appreciation of pain may be completely unrelated, triggering is still possible.

Be prepared. Be sensitive of precursors like certain movements or reflexes. Maybe a dissociation or a look of fear. I strive to notice the slightest indication that something’s not right and react in a way to assure her she is safe and protected with me.

But there’s something else. Muse knew what to expect for certain things like a certain type of punishment for what had transpired or to work on something in particular. Yet I knew the things that she knew would trigger her, and I explained everything I was doing or about to do. Our communication made our time together a phenomena. The something else was the depth of trust and love she felt for me and as we were “involved”, she took my hand and placed it to her throat.

One example where a responsible dom helped bring about the healing in BDSM. My life has helped inform my skills when in BDSM as I know what is intense and what is safe. I also am in tune with Muse and am able to know when to push her further, when it’s time for her release and when I can try something new.

My decades ago experience, my rather intense life skills and my fortune in finding a priceless treasure for my sub has given me abilities in BDSM. My recent return has revived a long buried desire to dominate, own, cherish and protect.

My return felt natural, like I had never stopped. My knowledge coming in and my pick up studies made me feel almost like I knew what I was doing… almost.

I feel a responsibility as a dom, but I also feel amazing fulfillment and love for my good girl, my property. Doms and subs, what say you?

(If reading all this was hard and you need other ways to take in the info, here's a lil resource list.

1. Podcast – Wild & Sublime, episode: “Therapeutic BDSM—Healing Trauma With Kink” (Dr. Yulinda Renee Rahman)
2. Workbook – The Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook by Erika Shershun, MFT
3. Article – How Kink Can Be Used to Heal From Sexual Trauma (Sexual Health Alliance)
4. Article – BDSM Can Provide Profound Healing Experiences (Vice)
5. TEDx Talk – “The Healing Dominatrix: Power, Play, and Transformation”, exploring embodiment and healing through kink
6. The Healing Dominatrix: Power, Play, and Transformation (TEDx Talk)

(I also have a pretty open door policy. I'm happy to talk on this thread or in private (Hypo will see everything just FYI) about anything in this thread!
Thanks for stickin’ with us! )

Okay, We're Done Now​

 

[HyposMuse]

Adding a little context from my side. I come out of DV and SV work, both alongside survivors and inside the systems around them, and that lens shapes how I show up in kink. I care about spaces that are welcoming to survivors and neurospicy folks because when we build for the most tender nervous systems, everyone gets safer and braver. The kink runs deeper.

For me that looks like clear negotiation, simple consent scripts, co-created aftercare with a plan B and C, and opt-out language that is easy to use in the moment. None of that waters play down for me. It unlocks more trust, more range, and more staying power. I have at least 2 google drives full of resources because it enhances the dynamics for me.

I understand my style is not for everyone and I am open to learning how others show up in these spaces, so please do not let this lecture make you afraid of me.

Do be afraid of @Hypocrites though. That is logical.

 

[Oralexplorer]

Thankyou @Hypocrites for taking the time and the enormous effort in putting this thread together, reading it the penny dropped a lot of time for me, especially I was not the weird or not up to it when I wanted more knowledge before diving head long into some that can have real world consequences for a real person. Also ofcourse thankyou @HyposMuse for your thoughtful inputs and sharing your thoughts. It's such welcoming thing to able tohear from and learn from the perspective of a submissive partner/person.
Oe