Ollie oooops

[Isabella Thorne]

Well ... I thought Oliver and any other doctors or even patients might enjoy a wee bit of medical humour today ... lol ...

The following quotes were taken from actual medical
records as dictated by physicians...

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped,
and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing,
and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they
should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except
for her original complaints.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

____________________

Subject: Tough news


A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked: "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
__________________
Doctor, doctor give me a cure
I've got a bad case of loving you

 

[Ally C]

LOL

I love it ... first new joke I've heard in ages, thanks!

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Ally .... ooops ... Ally Ally Ally ... oops

Thank you dear!
___________________
I asked my family doctor
just what to do
I said Doctor ... Mr. M.D.
Can you tell me what's ailing me?

 

[Ally C]

Hey!!!!!!!!!

I'd be upset if I wasn't still laughing!

LOL

 

[Oliver Clozoff]

Yikes! That makes a med student wince.

If there's not evidence there for limiting work hours for medical residents, I don't know where you'll find it. When I start working 100+ hours a week and assuming the full weighty responsibility of the health, sometimes even the life and death of my patients, I hope you'll be willing to forgive me a few hilarious malapropisms.

I can see how these flubs happen. Medical history-taking is formulaic: it requires the assimilation of a large amount of data, usually in a short period of time. To minimize the time spent on paperwork, this information is often written down hurriedly in the chart without consideration to how it reads. As your post shows, Izzy, hilarity can ensue.

One of the funniest moments in my training thus far has come when a friend and fellow med student went to see a post-surgical patient one morning and examined the patient's surgical site, noticing no pus draining from it. When documenting it in the chart he later wrote: "incision is clean, dry, and intact with no pussy discharge."

He has never heard the end of it.

 

[genderbender]

And another sort of doctor...

The man rushes into the veternarian's office with a dog in his arms. The doctor approaches as the man blurts out -

"Please doctor, you have to help my dog." The veternarian reaches out and touches the dog's chest.

"The dog's dead." The man peers over at him wide-eyed.

"It just can't be true, please no." After a short pause the man continues, "I want a second opinion."

The veternarian takes the dog from the man and carries him to the examining room. Turning over his shoulder he says -

"Please wait here, I'll be right back."

The veternarian disappears into the examing room, reappearing a moment later before heading off down a hall. A moment later her returns with a black labrador on a leash. He leads the dog into the examing room. The man sits quietly and a moment later he hears a loud bark. The veternarian appears, leading the dog away and returning a short while later with a long haired cat in his arms. The doctor and cat disappear. A short while later the man in the waiting room hears a meow. The veternarian opens the door and again disappears down the hall with the cat in his arms.

When the veternarian returns he has a piece of paper in his hand which he offers to the man still in the waiting room.

"I'm sorry to say that your dog is in fact dead." The man peers down at the piece of paper.

"What the fuck is this!" staring at a bill for six hundred dollars.

"You wanted a second opinion. That's the cost of the lab report and cat scan."

Ta dammm!

 

[Pyper]

OMG, this stuff has me cracking up. I love real life mistakes that have hilarious results.

 

[Ally C]

Laughter is indeed the best medicine

*mind you, not sure about the maniacal variety ... *

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Oooop ... more for Ollie ... et al ...

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his
stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress,
and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he
notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the
wrong one.

--------========******** Rx ********========-------

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

--------========******** Rx ********========-------
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct.

Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--------========******** Rx ********========-------

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both, " I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large
E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he
had done exactly what I had asked;

He was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


--------========******** Rx ********========-------
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom
when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here
with me. This is only a one-seater!"

--------========******** Rx ********========-------

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor.

"The patch", He continued, "The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!"

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see....

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

--------========******** Rx ********========-------
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After
a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not
for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

--------========******** Rx ********========-------

And of course, the best is saved for last....
A nurse caring for a woman from Tennessee asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--------========******** Rx ********========-------

 

[Isabella Thorne]

OFFICE ILLNESS

The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Bay One Day Sale Flu. (U.S. readers replace with J.C. Penny Sale lol)

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It.
___________________
oh dammit - i should have called in sick today ... lol

 

[Juspar Emvan]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the beer for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a but light!"



And damnit Izy, I sprayed juice all over the screen with the Ketucky Jelly.

 

[insideShiraz]

Isabella...

You crack me up and inform me everytime...Do you like Monty Python?

 

[Rosebud]

Hi my lovely Bella...how are you?

 

[BrainyBeauty]

For Izzy and Ollie

Some really, bad, old doctor jokes!
=====
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.

After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination."I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

=====
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
=====
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
======
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
=====
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
=====
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
=====
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

 

[Isabella Thorne]

eh, Shiraz? do i like Monty Python ... geez darlin' ... that's a given ... lmao ... in fact as the Ambassador of Tarty Foreign Affairs, i get regular news updates from the Ministry of Silly Walks ...

Hey Rose-buddy ... nice to see ya luv ... long time no see ...

<waving madly at Brainy> ... thanks for dusting off your doctor joke book for us, dear ... ahhh you're always thinking of us .. lol ...

ummmm Juspar ... you sprayed juice all over your screen, cheri? Oh my you are the naughty one, aren't you?
_______________________

A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover - except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy."

The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."

***************

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem."

The doctor sends him into his examination room. He examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week.

"It all cleared up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"

The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."

 

[Svedish_Chef]

eh, Shiraz? do i like Monty Python ... geez darlin' ... that's a given ... lmao ... in fact as the Ambassador of Tarty Foreign Affairs, i get regular news updates from the Ministry of Silly Walks ...

Do you need another update?

 

[Isabella Thorne]

<hugs Chef>

Now you silly thing ...

You know you can always update me - anytime you want ...

 

[Svedish_Chef]

You want it up the date?

I mean an update...

OK.

I still havent told anyone about the mystery... woman.