OK sorry another one to check

[stockspark]

Hi Folks

Just wondering what real writers think of this story, seems to have been read well and not too bad marks left just some of the comments on my writing. I could maybe understand it as I never was the good at english at school. However I feel it may have been the content and is not really that bad, or at least that is what I hope.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307507

not sure if the link will work but it is the hotel story.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Nasha]

Hi there, stockspark. Welcome to Lit.

Well, I don't know if I qualify as a 'real' writer, and I'm no grammar expert, but right away I do see you have some serious punctuation issues.

Your whole first paragraph is a series of run-on sentences:

It had been a long haul for Claire this year already, 5 months had just about gone but it felt like 5 years, it had been an age since she spent any time alone with her hubby, family commitments means it can be hard for adult time. As for even trying to dress in some form of sexy manner it is near impossible, if the kids do not pull at her clothes or ladder the stockings, then Craig will be pulled away to work or phone to say he will be late, it just makes it not worth bothering about which gets you in a rut. Although she had tried this morning, Craig was away early so he never saw her slide his favourite tan, thigh high, stockings up her long slender legs, nor her white push-up bra and matching lace French knickers, nor shimmy in to her sexy long black fishtailed skirt, or her nice crisp white blouse with the top two buttons left undone to show some nice cleavage and finally she slipped into those three inch ankle strap pointed shoes he liked.

It had been a long haul for Claire this year already. Five months had just about gone but it felt like five years. It had been an age since she spent any time alone with her hubby; family commitments mean it can be hard for adult time. As for even trying to dress in some form of sexy manner it is near impossible; if the kids do not pull at her clothes or ladder the stockings, then Craig will be pulled away to work or phone to say he will be late. It just makes it not worth bothering about, which gets you in a rut.

(Start a new paragraph here, because you've transitioned from her usual routine to this exceptional morning where she does attempt to dress up).

Although she had tried this morning, Craig was away early so he never saw her slide his favourite tan, thigh high (no comma) stockings up her long slender legs, nor her white push-up bra and matching lace French knickers, nor shimmy in to her sexy long black fishtailed skirt, or her nice crisp white blouse with the top two buttons left undone to show some nice cleavage. Finally she slipped into those three inch ankle strap pointed shoes he liked.

One thing to remember--always spell out numbers. Also, as the story goes on, you erroneously switch verb tenses. A good editor should catch these things--just be sure to let them see the final draft before you post, to make sure you've corrected mistakes and haven't made new ones while revising.

You have a nice eye for details. For example, your descriptions of textures and shapes and colors in people's clothing makes for nice visuals. If you get help ironing out the grammar thing, I bet that will go a long way toward helping you keep readers and get the votes you want.

Good luck,

Nasha

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Here goes....

The first paragraph is really important to your story. You wrote -

It had been a long haul for Claire this year already, 5 months had just about gone but it felt like 5 years, it had been an age since she spent any time alone with her hubby, family commitments means it can be hard for adult time. As for even trying to dress in some form of sexy manner it is near impossible, if the kids do not pull at her clothes or ladder the stockings, then Craig will be pulled away to work or phone to say he will be late, it just makes it not worth bothering about which gets you in a rut. Although she had tried this morning, Craig was away early so he never saw her slide his favourite tan, thigh high, stockings up her long slender legs, nor her white push-up bra and matching lace French knickers, nor shimmy in to her sexy long black fishtailed skirt, or her nice crisp white blouse with the top two buttons left undone to show some nice cleavage and finally she slipped into those three inch ankle strap pointed shoes he liked.

Comments:
1. The paragraph is impossibly long. Keep your paragraphs down to 6-8 screen lines. Longer than that and they become hard to read.
2. Numbers - unless it's a street address, spell them out. 5 = five.
3. The first sentence is a multiple run-on sentence. That's a killer right off. Learn to make short, concise sentences. You've used commas instead of periods here.
4. You have some parts of speech errors. For instance - "...it is near impossible..." Aside from the run-on sentence, near should be the adverb form - nearly.
5. Generally, this paragraph does way too many things. This should be two or maybe even three paragraphs.

Your next paragraph -

It had gone ten when the phone vibrated in Craig's pocket he flipped it open it was a message from Claire, he opens it, and there is a picture of his sexy wife looking stunning and sexy as she always does, it shows her face lightly made up for work. Not that he gets to see her much with work being so busy and he is trying not to upset her by looking for sex all the time. He was however hoping this weekend would be different and spark that sexual lioness into life again that has been missing recently.

It had gone ten...? You are writing the way you speak. It should read, "It was nearly ten when..." Then you run-on another sentence. Craig's phone vibrates in his pocket <period> He...

It goes on and on. This story really needed a lot better edit for grammar. However, the content is good. Pacing is okay. Generally, the idea was fine.

But don't give up. I won't even direct you to my first attempts. Lit is a learning place. With this kind of story idea you do have potential.

I would suggest you send your next effort to another writer for review before you submit it. We tend to look at stories a lot differently than the editors do. We see what the reader wants to see.

If you like, I'm available for you next story. Just don't quit. You'll do fine.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

And Additional Edits Are Needed

Jenny, you are so good with the aspiring writers here. You're so personable as I read the thoughtful posts and your comments. Let bygones be bygones. You are in your element.

Respectful huggss.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with what Jenny told you. Read and heed her comments, despite her self-deprecating humor about her own writing, she knows what she is talking about.

The only thing I will add is this,

The next morning...

You don't need this. Just put a break in the story, like this;

By the light of the moon, they kissed once more.

---

The morning sun streaming in through the bedroom window illuminating the sleeping lovers.

Keep working at it, you will get better.

 

[stockspark]

Thanks to Jenny and Nasha for pointing my problems out. It might be better to give you my ideas rather than write again, but I will no doubt try again.

If you do not mind Jenny I will send you my next effort to look over.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thanks to Jenny and Nasha for pointing my problems out. It might be better to give you my ideas rather than write again, but I will no doubt try again.

If you do not mind Jenny I will send you my next effort to look over.

Do so, Stockspark... We'll make a good story of it

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny, you are so good with the aspiring writers here. You're so personable as I read the thoughtful posts and your comments. Let bygones be bygones. You are in your element.

Respectful huggss.

Are we in a confligration? I was unaware, Asylum

BTW, can I use that in my sig?

 

[cloudy]

Are we in a confligration? I was unaware, Asylum

BTW, can I use that in my sig?

You guys are on fire???

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You guys are on fire???

It seems so