Oh what a tangled mess

[thatgirl2136]

It's been way too long since I have been on here...Anyways...

As shocking and crazy as this may sound, I'm going to give it a go.
My best male friend of about 6 years recently broke up with his gf of 3 years (whom he never had sex with) and now he and I are definitely becoming more than just best friends.
We took an overnight trip together to the city, and we had sex multiple times.
The problem is, he hasn't kissed me because we are not in a relationship.

He says he does not want to because he doesn't want me getting emotionally attached yet, but he doesn't realize that I've been emotionally attached for about 5 years and just surpressed my feelings because he had always been with a good friend of mine.

Is this a common thought process that I seemed to have missed?

I've been told that I need to stand up and say that I want to be kissed, but I don't want to sound selfish and push him to do something he doesn't want to do.

So I guess my 'how to' question here is about how to bring up that I'm dying to be kissed without sounding selfish?

 

[satindesire]

It's been way too long since I have been on here...Anyways...

As shocking and crazy as this may sound, I'm going to give it a go.
My best male friend of about 6 years recently broke up with his gf of 3 years (whom he never had sex with) and now he and I are definitely becoming more than just best friends.
We took an overnight trip together to the city, and we had sex multiple times.
The problem is, he hasn't kissed me because we are not in a relationship.

He says he does not want to because he doesn't want me getting emotionally attached yet, but he doesn't realize that I've been emotionally attached for about 5 years and just surpressed my feelings because he had always been with a good friend of mine.

Is this a common thought process that I seemed to have missed?

I've been told that I need to stand up and say that I want to be kissed, but I don't want to sound selfish and push him to do something he doesn't want to do.

So I guess my 'how to' question here is about how to bring up that I'm dying to be kissed without sounding selfish?

Well, I'm looking at your situation, and what I see is that your situation isn't that you want to be kissed. Your situation is, in truth, that you WANT to be in a relationship with him and you're not.

Since he's been more than clear that he's not interested in you for ANYTHING but emotionless sex, I'm asking myself why you would want to keep yourself in a potentially self-esteem destroying and no doubt incredibly painful pseudo-FWB "relationship" when it's not going anywhere but a bucket of ben-n-jerry's and a pile of tissues?

You've been having feelings for him for a very long time, and you're mistaken in thinking that he'll magically grow feelings for you because he's sleeping with you. In reality, you're going to see the exact opposite. He'll continue to be willing to fuck you, but you're not going to be wifey. EVER. When he DOES find wifey, you'll be pushed aside to deal with a crushing blow to your self-worth AND the knowledge that you let yourself be used. Willingly. KNOWINGLY.

I must say, sweetheart, don't you think you're worth more than this? I personally would think that my sense of self-preservation would kick in at the moment he didn't 'want to kiss me because abc reason' and I'd get the flying fuck outta there. Pardon my language.

I understand that you're probably in love with him, but it takes more than you loving him to make a relationship. You can lead a horse to water...

Anyway, in short, you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Don't let yourself go this route. There are so many nice guys out there that would KILL for a sweet girl to love.

 

[Mr_price]

I doubt I have any answers for you but I am however moved to comment.
First and foremost is you should not feel selfish for voicing your feelings. People are not mind readers and if you’re not willing to speak up you may never get what you want.

I know I’m a total stranger but my advice to you is telling him exactly how you feel and don’t worry about appearing needy or selfish.

However I am a little leery, from your post its clear you have already broached the subject of kissing. His reason for not wanting to kiss coupled with a 3 year unconsummated relationship makes me uneasy. If I were you I would tread vary lightly.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Excuse me, but, in my humble opinion, you need to run like hell from this situation. The only possible explanation would be a severe case of halitosis. If you are sure that your breath is okay (and if it isn't, that can be medically corrected), he has problems, not you. I have always been very comfortable kissing my sexual partners, even if it was noncommitale. Especially, in the FWB catagory. Seems like there is something really wrong with him, not you. Anyway, by your age, you have a lot of exploring and fun left before you should even consider getting serious with anybody.

Good Luck!!

 

[SweetErika]

Yep, to be blunt, he sounds like a weirdo with some major issues. Why didn't he have sex with his girlfriend in THREE YEARS? Why does he feel kissing leads to emotional involvement, but sex doesn't? Did he discuss not wanting to be emotionally involved before you had sex?

I think you'd do well to stop giving the milk away for free unless/until he sorts them out.

 

[SpiritRider]

Sounds to me like this guy has watched "Pretty Woman" one to many times. Yep, we can do anything you want...but NO kissing.
Unfortuinately, I doubt he'd be a charming prince in the end.

 

[fuckmeat]

If he hasn't ad sex in three years, it's a fair bet that all he's interested in is sex. If he feels poorly treated by his ex, he'll use that to justify being an asshole to you, thinking that he 'deserves' some no strings fun. You have made it clear to us that this is not no strings for you. You've put yourself in a dangerous position by wanting this guy so long and then making yourself sexually available to him without any kind of commitment or what he considers to be a relationship.

Call time on the fucking. Say you're sorry but it's not no strings for you any more, so you're not going to sleep with him again. If he's fine with that, he was only ever after an easy fuck. If he is falling for you however (which I'm afraid I rather doubt, sorry) he'll have to make his mind up whether he wants to let you walk away. And don't be seduced into any kind of compromise or giving his royal preciousness more time. Stick to your ultimatum.

Face it, there are plenty of women he can get a casual fuck from. Don't delude yourself into thinking that one day he'll announce he's grown the fuck up and sweep you off your feet. As long as you let him have the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities, you'll be waiting a very long time. And even then, as satin says, he could pick someone completely different to have a full blown relationship with. Very few men can transfer a woman from the box labelled 'casual fuck' to the one marked 'marriage material.' Now you've let him see you as an outlet, you're in the FWB zone.

Sorry to be so negative.

 

[fgarvb1]

Wow.

This guy is neither in touch with his feelings, common sense or reality.

Buy him a book on relationships...you should read it too.

Yeah I'm an asshole but DAMN, you two have been IN a relation for years!

Just not the kind you wanted or the kind he doesn't want still.

Be really, really careful. That was a danger sign for your heart you just blasted past.

 

[Christopher2012]

There are so many nice guys out there that would KILL for a sweet girl to love.

I second this.... well, I second everything Satin said, but especially this. Well, I second especially everything she said, but I wanted to point this part out.

Haha I'm an idiot.

 

[RawHumor]

Why does he feel kissing leads to emotional involvement, but sex doesn't?

That's the one that got me.

I feel enough for you (or my need to ejaculate) that I'll have sex with you, but I don't want to get all crazy and let our lips get close.

Does not compute.

I hate to say it, but I think the others might be right - he may just want to get laid.

I'd suggest either telling him outright, or forcing a kiss upon him. See how he reacts. Stranger things have happened than feelings being unearthed.

 

[NomadLady]

It's been way too long since I have been on here...Anyways...

As shocking and crazy as this may sound, I'm going to give it a go.
My best male friend of about 6 years recently broke up with his gf of 3 years (whom he never had sex with) and now he and I are definitely becoming more than just best friends.
We took an overnight trip together to the city, and we had sex multiple times.
The problem is, he hasn't kissed me because we are not in a relationship.

He says he does not want to because he doesn't want me getting emotionally attached yet, but he doesn't realize that I've been emotionally attached for about 5 years and just surpressed my feelings because he had always been with a good friend of mine.

Is this a common thought process that I seemed to have missed?

I've been told that I need to stand up and say that I want to be kissed, but I don't want to sound selfish and push him to do something he doesn't want to do.

So I guess my 'how to' question here is about how to bring up that I'm dying to be kissed without sounding selfish?

The guy has "ISSUES".....walk away and don't look back.

 

[infinity706]

Yep, to be blunt, he sounds like a weirdo with some major issues. Why didn't he have sex with his girlfriend in THREE YEARS? Why does he feel kissing leads to emotional involvement, but sex doesn't? Did he discuss not wanting to be emotionally involved before you had sex?

I think you'd do well to stop giving the milk away for free unless/until he sorts them out.

I'm not sure I understand it either, but apparently, it's common guy logic. It's pretty much standard that "straight" guys won't kiss another guy even though they'll fuck them and "no kissing" is somewhat of a common rule for semi open relationships, as well.

Of course, from a biohazard perspective, it would make sense because kissing, especially with tongue use, is technically more risky than just about anything else. I doubt that has anything to do with it, though.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Sounds to me like this guy has watched "Pretty Woman" one to many times. Yep, we can do anything you want...but NO kissing.
Unfortuinately, I doubt he'd be a charming prince in the end.

One of my good friends asked me the other day if I felt like Julia Roberts, but I didn't quite get it. I do now.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Yep, to be blunt, he sounds like a weirdo with some major issues. Why didn't he have sex with his girlfriend in THREE YEARS? Why does he feel kissing leads to emotional involvement, but sex doesn't? Did he discuss not wanting to be emotionally involved before you had sex?

I think you'd do well to stop giving the milk away for free unless/until he sorts them out.

I think this is going to sum up everyone elses posts too just because your reply has everything tied into one.

They didn't have sex because she wants to be a virgin until she's married and he respected that.

He feels kissing is the upmost intimate thing you can do with another person and he thinks that's the main thing that will lead to emotional attachment.


and the kicker.
before we were doing anything together, except cuddling, he asked me to be his girlfriend...but retracted the statement 10 minutes later because he isn't into the long distance thing and when he moves to a university next year he doesn't think he could handle it. So the end date was set before we even started.


We found a secluded beach a few weeks back and joked yesterday about going back and having sex there...but that's probably my upmost romantic fantasy and if we ever head out that way tonight like planned I will definitely have to say that I cannot let that happen if I'm not able to kiss the person I'm with in that experience.


We took a drive yesterday for about 5 hours and had some time to talk, he said he doesn't want to sacrifice our relationship for sex and if I'm not comfortable with it then we can stop. I may have to take him up on that offer.

 

[SweetErika]

and the kicker.
before we were doing anything together, except cuddling, he asked me to be his girlfriend...but retracted the statement 10 minutes later because he isn't into the long distance thing and when he moves to a university next year he doesn't think he could handle it. So the end date was set before we even started.

Then even if he does allow kissing, it won't change anything at all. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend, and it sounds like that's exactly the opposite of what you want.

I'd say you should heed the big red flags and look at them as a blessing. At least you know the score from the very start, and you can make your decisions accordingly.

Have you thought about how continuing to have sex with this guy could possibly be advantageous for you? If the benefits outweigh the risks, then go for it; if you're likely to be crushed, then listen to him and go back to Platonicland.

 

[dollface007]

One of my good friends asked me the other day if I felt like Julia Roberts, but I didn't quite get it. I do now.

I hate to be so blunt about this, because this is such an awful situation, but I would just like to remind you that Julia Roberts is a hooker in that movie. He's straight up using you for sex. I'm sorry. I just agree with everyone else here who says you need to run like hell. This guy is not your friend, he's a loser. You can do so much better.

Remember that you have a backbone with the next guy. When a partner withholds affection, it is a form of psychological abuse.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Sorry I have not replied sooner.
As an update we have been over for about three days. He ended it because he can't do this emotionless casual sex like he was trying to do. I admitted my feelings could not be held back and we almost lost our friendship by the end of the night. We salvaged it yesterday thank God.
He is going to go back to his ex, which undoubtably hurts, but as long as he's happy and we're friends.
Of course we know I need time to get over it all and it will take some time that is certain, but lesson learned.

Thanks everyone who replied.

 

[Mac98]

Sorry I have not replied sooner.
As an update we have been over for about three days. He ended it because he can't do this emotionless casual sex like he was trying to do. I admitted my feelings could not be held back and we almost lost our friendship by the end of the night. We salvaged it yesterday thank God.
He is going to go back to his ex, which undoubtably hurts, but as long as he's happy and we're friends.
Of course we know I need time to get over it all and it will take some time that is certain, but lesson learned.

Thanks everyone who replied.

I hope he wasn't a dick about it. I'm just sorta' confused as to how he managed to not have sex with his girlfriend for 3 years, then turn to you for relief and go back to his ex without feeling the least bit guilty. I hope you two had a long, opened discussion about the situation. Good luck to you through all this.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Sounds like you'll probably be better off this way.

 

[thatgirl2136]

I hope he wasn't a dick about it. I'm just sorta' confused as to how he managed to not have sex with his girlfriend for 3 years, then turn to you for relief and go back to his ex without feeling the least bit guilty. I hope you two had a long, opened discussion about the situation. Good luck to you through all this.

She just wants to be a virgin until marriage. She is honestly pretty high and mighty about it.

He wasn't. We were in the car and he just flat out said he couldn't have casual sex with me anymore and I agreed that was for the best because I couldn't stay casual.
I'm unsure if he's guilty I just know that he does not plan on telling her.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Sounds like you'll probably be better off this way.

We will see.

 

[The Gimp]

I'm not sure I understand it either, but apparently, it's common guy logic. It's pretty much standard that "straight" guys won't kiss another guy even though they'll fuck them and "no kissing" is somewhat of a common rule for semi open relationships, as well.

You may have met a seemingly straight guy at some point who claimed that having sex with other guys was fine while kissing was not, but I can assure you that is not common guy logic.

 

[infinity706]

You may have met a seemingly straight guy at some point who claimed that having sex with other guys was fine while kissing was not, but I can assure you that is not common guy logic.

Actually, I've met over hundred guys that claim to be "straight" or " straight but have sex with guys," without kissing. It's also a regular thread topic in GLBT chatter. I can assure you that it is common logic for guys that refuse to admit to being bi-curious or bisexual. It's mostly restricted to guys old enough to be my dad (or older) that were raised in a time when anything less than totally straight meant you were gay and going to hell.

 

[The Gimp]

Actually, I've met over hundred guys that claim to be "straight" or " straight but have sex with guys," without kissing.

I'm not familiar with how things work in the GBLT community. Is that how people introduce each other? Hi. I'm straight but like having sex with guys, but don't like kissing guys. What do you think? I've met more than a few people in my day, and the subject of sex occasionally comes up. I just can't imagine 100+ guys divulging that they engage in that kind of activity.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not familiar with how things work in the GBLT community. Is that how people introduce each other? Hi. I'm straight but like having sex with guys, but don't like kissing guys. What do you think? I've met more than a few people in my day, and the subject of sex occasionally comes up. I just can't imagine 100+ guys divulging that they engage in that kind of activity.

Pretty much, yeah. There's a huge contingent of men that's attracted to cocks, but not the men attached to them, and therefore don't want to kiss or anything, or so they claim. Go take a gander at GLBT Chatter or browse through Craigslist personals sometime - you should readily find a bunch of dudes who want to exchange oral and sometimes have sex without kissing or any other kind of "attachment."

I find it weird (just as I find women who claim they're straight/curious and want to be with other women but only want to receive oral sex and don't want to make any of the moves very odd) and a form/result of denial, but to each their own.