oh, hells

[watergirl]

Well, as you can see by my 'location', I'm single again.

I started seeing someone in January as a casual sex fun thing, and it got committed and serious. I know he's not the forever guy for me, and there are tons of things about him that drove me aggravated and frustrated way too often. He doesn't have goals and dreams, he's just contentedly bopping along, and he's a distraction from me accomplishing things that are priorities to me... I need to be selfish and focus on me, and he actively gets in the way of that - I've alluded to it on other threads...

And today, in the after break up, I'm just sad and down and I miss him, and I want to call him and be with him again. Goddamn it. I hate this. He isn't going to change, I don't actually want him to change, I wish I could accept him the way he is, I feel shallow and mad at myself that I don't - but there are a hundred and two reasons I should NOT be with him...

And honestly, my woman's intuition kept nagging at me that he's been using me as a prospective meal ticket, cause I have a job and a place and am very self-sufficient, and he knows he's gonna be out of a job this fall, and actually asked if he could move in with me while he looks for a new job... I cringed at the thought, I really don't want that.

I'm selfish. This sucks. I just want him for the sex and the occasional fun times, but my friends all find him annoying, hell, I find several of his attitudes unacceptable...

and when I called my mom to talk to her, I got a combo speech from her & her man about how no one is perfect, I need to learn to accept people as they are, and that if he isn't the right guy, I'm not looking in the right places, and I should go to church, hang out at the garage, and maybe to a nascar race sometimes. They seem to think I'm looking for someone just like my dad, who could build/weld/engineer/do wiring/plumbing/built our house and garage and just was a work-a-holic, as well as a smoker and an alcoholic, and they think I want a guy just like him minus the smoking & drinking.

That was not the support I needed. How but a "Good, we're proud of you for being self-sufficient and motivated and wanting to do something with your life, and not depending on a man for your happiness?"

Fucking hell. I'm just looking for sympathy and comparable stories, not guys to hit on me, so if you do so in a sleezy way, you're going on ignore. Got it? Good. Gotta love lit, it's a great place to rant.

 

[blondie74]

Well, I'm not your family, but....

"I'm proud of you for being self-sufficient and motivated and wanting to do something with your life, and not depending on a man for your happiness?"

I don't know many people who seem to have their heads screwed on as straight as you do. You seem to know what you want and are determined to get it. Don't let anyone stand in the way of your dreams and desires....especially not a man!

You go girl!

 

[Tall Sweet Guy]

good luck

Hey watergirl,

commiserations. Break ups suck, no matter how much we insist to ourselves that the relationship is just about the sex.

But, then again, surely just sex isn't that hard to cum by? ... and there's no shortage of material to inspire you on Lit if you just wanna do it by yourself, either.

And as for the future? Something more long term? Your kind of guys are out there - but maybe you're not in the right head space to find them right now? Maybe you're too wound up. Maybe if you start to nurture yourself you'll attract people to yourself - just quietly and slowly - that resonate with the slow down, easygoing vibe that you seem to want in others?

Whatever, your av is hot and you sound nice. If you were just looking for sex and you were in my city I'd bonk you ... so that's the lesser half of the equation solved (in theory).

 

[watergirl]

Thanks much

Blondie, thanks much - it's good to have that reinforced.

Tall Sweet Guy, I appreciate the friendly remarks - you are a sweetie. I know I'm not really in the right head space to find a guy, and that's okay, I guess... it's really not the right timing for me to be in a relationship - getting a good one going takes a serious time investment, and the one I just broke up with lives about 40 minutes drive away, and his ideas of fun usually involve more time spent driving out to go fishing somewhere, lake or bay or whatever, and it's just been tiring me out, seeing my life spent so much commuting and driving and not actually doing. Sighhhh.

This isn't any fun... he took the break up really well, and respected my reasons, and damnit, if he could just have respected my goals and been supportive while we had a thing going, it could still be fun. Argh!

 

[sheath]

You did the right thing, hon.

Blondie is right...you are one of the most steady people I know. Your ambition is part of your charm. If he could not support you in the way he should have, then you didn't need him around. Support is a big part of a healthy relationship. You know that already...which is why you did the right thing by ending it.

I understand that need to pick up the phone and call him...he's what you are accustomed to, after all. I'll bet you keep remembering the good points no matter how hard you try to focus on the reasons you ended it, and you keep hearing your mom's words and wondering if this little thing changed, or that little thing changed, or...or...

Don't do that. If you need to call him, call someone else. Call a friend and rant and rave. Or get away from the phone. Go do something he didn't want to do...see a movie he never would have seen. Go to a shop he never would have been caught dead in. Be thankful you can go there without having to answer for yourself.

Most of all, remember...you are a VERY strong woman. You have so many talents and gifts. A great catch, you are. And one day soon, the right man is going to recognize that. Then you will wonder why you ever fretted about Mr. Wrong in the first place.

Hang in there, hon...

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

Watergirl,
Your mom is right. People aren't perfect and sooner or later you will find a guy that is good enough that you can live with his little ideosyncracies.

It sounds to me like you did the right thing. But don't let yourself be fooled either, there are plenty of good guys out there despite their flaws.

Hell I have a ton of flaws, from a strange sense of humor, to a tendency to completely tune out the world when I'm programming. And still the wife puts up with me... Silly girl eh?

You'll find someone. Its just a matter of time and looking under enough mushrooms.

 

[Missingmeds]

I'm selfish. This sucks. I just want him for the sex and the occasional fun times, but my friends all find him annoying, hell, I find several of his attitudes unacceptable...

That was not the support I needed. How but a "Good, we're proud of you for being self-sufficient and motivated and wanting to do something with your life, and not depending on a man for your happiness?"

Fucking hell. I'm just looking for sympathy and comparable stories, not guys to hit on me, so if you do so in a sleezy way, you're going on ignore. Got it? Good. Gotta love lit, it's a great place to rant.

Honey you are not being selfish, and it does suck. You know what you want and you won't be happy until you find that person. If you just need a fuck buddy then do call him but make him do the driving and make it plain that you are not going to do this his way anymore. Your terms, your time, your effort.

I am proud of you, more than you can know. I am glad that you are self-sufficient and motivated and not depending on any man to get what you want.

I am not hitting on you...and it is a great place to put a rave and a rant now and again.

 

[dollface007]

I can totally relate to this, Watergirl. In my case, the guy was smart and successful. The sex was great and he treated me like a queen. The "going nowhere" part came in b/c he was way to old for me, lived far away, and had no intention of ever getting married or having children. ever. Nevertheless, i developed way more feelings for him than i was willing to admit. When he broke it off with me (he met someone else who lived much closer), it hurt pretty bad.

I was angry at myself for feeling so much for this guy. Looking back on it, we were both using each other until something more promising came along. Alot has happened since then. We saw each other a few times more but the sex wasn't worth it to me anymore. Now we're just friends.

Right now, i'm actively trying not to date losers/jerks/emotional infants anymore, and have kind of decided i'm going to leave finding "the one" to a higher power. Because i am so focused on my career right now, i really don't have time to worry about meeting guys. On the one hand, it's a relief. On the other hand, i feel like i'm sacrificing valuable time that i could be man hunting.

I'm not sure if i'm approaching all this the right way. Yes, i want to have a serious relationship again...it's been a while. I woke up one day after sleeping with somebody i barely knew and thought, "isn't it sad that i haven't even THOUGHT about connecting love and sex in 2 years."

Anyways, i just felt like we might be sort of in the same place and maybe i should share. Good luck to you, Watergirl.

 

[Cathleen]

I'm proud of you too. I see this as remembering your integrity and holding to your priorities. You are ahead of the game there! Don't let anyone take without giving, its not fair. I've seen too many friends "keeping" their SOs or husbands, they found their meal ticket and my friends don't see that, they keep providing, without the return, (in my opinion). Never compromise yourself! Way to go!!

 

[watergirl]

*hugs*

And I'm back in color... You guys really are all the absolute best for lifting a girl's spirits.

Dollface, I hear you on wasted time... I don't worry about ending up an old maid.. I always imagined I'd be a successful independent woman with a lot of dear friends and a great big furry dog... my aunt was much more my role model than my mom, even though I really love and admire my mom - her's isn't the life I want for myself....

But it's sad that all my friends seem to be getting married off - I'm 27 now - and all of them are with their sweeties, and they were so happy for me to have a boyfriend again... <rolleyes> I was with my last guy for 4 and half years, during college & after, and he was and is again my best friend. I wish things had worked out for us, but there's no going back down that road.

I want complicated things... I want a guy who likes to be outside, who likes big furry dogs, who's smart enough to enjoy wacky little movies like Triplettes of Belleville, or Amelie, or dumb things like Jim Carey movies and sarcastic stuff like the Dave Chapelle show... a smart side and a dumb silly side, a hands-on, capable guy who reads big Neal Stephenson books... or at least has his own weird varied bunch of interests to share with me, and we can enjoy each other. I miss that so much.

But I know that even if I found that guy right now, I'm not sure if we could make it work together... it's just as well. Someday things will work out.

 

[midwestyankee]

He's out there. In fact, there are many of him out there.

You just took the first difficult step in finding one of them.

 

[watergirl]

thanks, all

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered me encouragement - it means a lot to have a network of people who care, here at lit.

I made it through yesterday, the hard day, without calling him, and today at work was a great busy day, full of friends I haven't seen in a couple of months out at the school... I called him on the way home to ask if I could drop off his things, and he told me, "No. I'm busy. Just.... just give them to C., and I'll get them from him when I see him to get that thing he's welding for me. I've got a few things of yours, I'll leave them with him."

He sounded really bitter with me, and I was disappointed - when I left Sat. night from his place, it sounded like he and I were at a place where we'd still be on decent terms - not great, not buddy buddy, but ok to at least do a stuff-swap in polite fashion...

I guess he really is out of my world, now - he never really tried to introduce me to his friends, or get to know mine or hang out with me and my bunch... Just another reason we didn't click.

Being single definitely beats being with someone when my heart isn't in it. At least I gave it a shot.

Thanks, again, everyone -

 

[watergirl]

I can't resist

And to those who pm'd me to tell me I'm a heartless overacheiver who needs to open up - fuck off!

The top ten things the ex said that led me to dump him - all of which he said in a slightly kidding fashion, over the last four months, but it was just steady aggravation:

10. "Boy, if you made 50,000 a year, I'd marry you."

9. "You've got granny arms - look at these wings under your arms!"

8. "You know, you lose 30 more pounds, I'd take you out in public."

7. "Good girl, you remembered to... (any number of things)."

6. (while poking me in the thighs after I got out of the shower) "You're jiggly. When are you going to lose more weight?"

5. "Oh, you've got that stupid class again... how long are you gonna have to go to these? Can't you skip one?"

4. (after I asked him to go to an awards/recognition conference for my work, if I get the promotion I'm working towards) "You know, there's a lot of things I want to do with you, but that's not one of them."

3. "Hey, if you buy a house, dibs on the basement, I want to set my workshop up somewhere."

2. "When you buy a house, you better buy a fixer-upper so I have something to work on."

and, the top of the list -

1. "Boy, if I thought you could press a uniform, I'd think about joining the army again."


Any time I called him on that sort of shit, his answer was "I said that?!? Oh, my god, I didn't mean that! I totally don't even remember saying something like that... Shit. You gotta yell at me about this stuff, you know I don't mean anything by it."

Ha. Guess what - he can find someone else to say it to.

 

[incognito989]

Re: I can't resist

The top ten things the ex said that led me to dump him - all of which he said in a slightly kidding fashion, over the last four months, but it was just steady aggravation:

<snip>

I'd have dumped him too. Sounds disrespectful to me. From you AV, you definitely look good to me. You'll find someone more akin to your tastes soon, I'm sure of it.

Just hold that head high, and know you're better off without that garbage.

 

[dollface007]

Re: I can't resist

And to those who pm'd me to tell me I'm a heartless overacheiver who needs to open up - fuck off!

The top ten things the ex said that led me to dump him - all of which he said in a slightly kidding fashion, over the last four months, but it was just steady aggravation....

Jeez, Watergirl. Didn't you know that by living your life for yourself, having personal ambitions outside of bearing children, and not existing with the sole purpose of satisfying men that you are automatically a frigid, cold-hearted feminazi of a bitch???!!!

Sounds like this guy was long overdue for a dumping. I'm proud of you.

An ex once "joked" that my butt was too flat. I can tell you, that stuck with me for a very very long time. I should have bitten his head off right then and there, but i stood there and pretended it was a joke. Tsk, tsk, dollface....

 

[sheath]

Re: Re: I can't resist

Sounds like this guy was long overdue for a dumping. I'm proud of you.

YES YES YES.

I wholeheartedly second that opinion.

S.

 

[DirkPryde]

So many people hide what they actually want to say behind a "joke" be it nice stuff or insults ...

Good for you in realising where you were was not where you wanted to be. That's a big step ... took me 4 years to realise and that was with help

 

[watergirl]

So many people hide what they actually want to say behind a "joke" be it nice stuff or insults ...

Good for you in realising where you were was not where you wanted to be. That's a big step ... took me 4 years to realise and that was with help

Thanks... I had help, too. All of my friends persisted with the "Why are you putting up with this guy?" when I complained about his shit. Eventually, "Because the sex is so great" stopped being a good answer.

And I completely agree about him hiding things behind a joke. I suspected that on a whole lot of occasions.... once, after we had sex and he came all over me, he was like, "Now that's art. I told him, take a picture, I want to see that from your perspective." I was in that "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" stage of completely satisfied post-sex grinning delight and relaxation, and that's the first time I've ever been willing to let someone take a pic of me naked... and he said, "Nah... I don't want to do that." And he jumped up and went to the bathroom to clean up.

I was disappointed, and a little surprised... you'd think a boyfriend would love the chance to take naked pics of his girl, eh?

Anyways, DirkPryde (I'm curious about your name, btw,) I think you're right about him trying to pass of real criticisms as jokes... and Dollface, I hear you - guys probably don't realize that women have loooooong memories for every negative comment about us that they make... here's a couple other fav's from the ex:

"Boy, if you lost more weight and kept all that muscle in your thighs, you could be a deadlifter."

"You've got legs like a Russian peasant girl." What the hell does that mean?!?!?! Instant back peddaling - "it's a good thing, really, it means you have strong legs, I like it when you wrap them around me."

Sighhhhhh. At this point, I'm just surprised it took me four whole months to dump him. I tried, really I tried to make it work!

 

[DevilishTexan]

Ahhh WG, just take it for what it was worth and go on down the road. Be happy you enjoyed and had the time you did. We aren't supposed to marry/live happily ever after with everyone that enter's our life. And I'm sure you may have many more affairs like that. Take the good, leave the bad and grow.


But take solace in the fact he's probably going through the same thing you are right now. And more than likely you'll find someone to help you forget him before he will!

 

[watergirl]

umm

Ahhh WG, just take it for what it was worth and go on down the road. Be happy you enjoyed and had the time you did. We aren't supposed to marry/live happily ever after with everyone that enter's our life. And I'm sure you may have many more affairs like that. Take the good, leave the bad and grow.


But take solace in the fact he's probably going through the same thing you are right now. And more than likely you'll find someone to help you forget him before he will!

Ok, DT - I think you mean well with your advice... but give a girl a break, it's been 3 days since I dumped him, I need a little while to bitch & vent & get it out of my system. I am and will be moving on, but I need to deal with it first, and this is part of how I'm doing that...

As to what he's going through, he may indeed be listing all my faults and things I did that drove him nuts. I know that I'm a much more social, outgoing person, so I am likely to start something new before him... he was single for 3 years before hooking up with me, and with the kind of garbage he dished out at me, I can completly understand why!

And by the way.... I really hate your sig line pic.

 

[GeorgeWBush]

Re: I can't resist

And to those who pm'd me to tell me I'm a heartless overacheiver who needs to open up - fuck off!

The top ten things the ex said that led me to dump him - all of which he said in a slightly kidding fashion, over the last four months, but it was just steady aggravation:

10. "Boy, if you made 50,000 a year, I'd marry you."

9. "You've got granny arms - look at these wings under your arms!"

8. "You know, you lose 30 more pounds, I'd take you out in public."

7. "Good girl, you remembered to... (any number of things)."

6. (while poking me in the thighs after I got out of the shower) "You're jiggly. When are you going to lose more weight?"

5. "Oh, you've got that stupid class again... how long are you gonna have to go to these? Can't you skip one?"

4. (after I asked him to go to an awards/recognition conference for my work, if I get the promotion I'm working towards) "You know, there's a lot of things I want to do with you, but that's not one of them."

3. "Hey, if you buy a house, dibs on the basement, I want to set my workshop up somewhere."

2. "When you buy a house, you better buy a fixer-upper so I have something to work on."

and, the top of the list -

1. "Boy, if I thought you could press a uniform, I'd think about joining the army again."


Any time I called him on that sort of shit, his answer was "I said that?!? Oh, my god, I didn't mean that! I totally don't even remember saying something like that... Shit. You gotta yell at me about this stuff, you know I don't mean anything by it."

Ha. Guess what - he can find someone else to say it to.

I would have dumped him he sounded like a guy that wants everything handed to him.

Good for you life is to short to waste it on jerks i did that on girls i dated when i was much younger.

 

[serras]

Hey WG, I may not know you but you did a good thing, take the time to vent and bitch all you want, from the way he seemed to have treated you, you deserve some time to get it out of your system, you seem like a great girl and I wish you only the best of luck in any of your future endeavor's

So take care Sweetheart

 

[DevilishTexan]

Re: umm

Ok, DT - I think you mean well with your advice... but give a girl a break, it's been 3 days since I dumped him, I need a little while to bitch & vent & get it out of my system. I am and will be moving on, but I need to deal with it first, and this is part of how I'm doing that...

As to what he's going through, he may indeed be listing all my faults and things I did that drove him nuts. I know that I'm a much more social, outgoing person, so I am likely to start something new before him... he was single for 3 years before hooking up with me, and with the kind of garbage he dished out at me, I can completly understand why!

And by the way.... I really hate your sig line pic.

And as you can see it's been eradicated. As well as all others.

 

[watergirl]

Hey WG, I may not know you but you did a good thing, take the time to vent and bitch all you want, from the way he seemed to have treated you, you deserve some time to get it out of your system, you seem like a great girl and I wish you only the best of luck in any of your future endeavor's

So take care Sweetheart