Of Candy Canes and Pinewood; some feedback please

[Pornguin]

In less than two weeks, I've gone from having written zero stories for Literotica, despite being introduced to the site in 2001, to writing six. I've received from feedback from email, but I really want to become good, so I hope people will give me good critique.

My first story, a First Time story: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=393800

My second story, an Interracial story all my other stories ar 4.0 or more, but tis is at 3.45, so I'm worried about having made a major blunder: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=394727

And then a series of incest stories with a Christmas theme involving the same family, using the name Of Candy Canes and Pinewood and allowing the last word to start with the next letter so they remain sequential:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395234
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395648
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=396156
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=396471

Thanks to any help I attain.

 

[Spaffle]

I responded to the first story (the only one I've read yet) in the Anonymous Response thingie. I enjoyed it a great deal!

 

[Pornguin]

Thanks. That one was actually my first story, so it was bound to have a few faults.

 

[Spaffle]

Thanks. That one was actually my first story, so it was bound to have a few faults.

Don't be silly. I loved it. Laughed out loud!

 

[ellynei]

I'm an amateur too, so don't take my comments too seriously:


I read the first story. It was funny and cute, as such, with a potential for even becoming romantic.

To me, in its current form it gave a feel of "Woops, pop goes the... cherry." I know that is a legit part of the storyline, but personally I'd recommend to give it that little extra feel of believability, and that little extra living into it around the moment of "pop goes".

#

Throughout the story I'd recommend less use of the words 'female' and 'male' and more play on the words;

feminine, woman, girl; tomboy; masculine, man, boy.

The reader gets your drift when you keep saying 'female', but it gets dreary and doesn't give easy access to the feel of her 'girl that wants to be a boy' and 'woman that wants to be a man' conflict.

#

The story started out at a slow and thorough pace, and then went faster and faster. As such increasing pace along the course of a story is natural, but in this case I'd say the change in pace was a bit too extreme.

After reading the story I am left with the impression that you spent more words talking about the main's first and middle names, than you did on her (and his) reaction the first time he fingered her anally.

I didn't go back to count the words, just saying it felt that way.

I'd recommend making the start a bit less thorough, and the later parts a bit more thorough.

#

Btw:

"Bridger, I'm so cold. Ugh!"

Personally I don't like cartoonic sounds like "Ugh" in dialogue in writing, it puts me off.

#

Oh crap, what if she has hypothermia?

I think you meant for this to be something he thinks. If it is, I recommend italics, or at the very least dialogue markings.

#


To summarise: I think the basic storyline is cute and fun, but I also feel the story would benefit greatly from more rewrites as it is (in my personal opinion) too primitive in its current form.