Oddities

[~Dacendaran~]

Sometimes we come across interesting bits of news or facts like archaeological finds, historical events and bits of forgotten history or even just plain weird stuff. even jokes or brain teasers not to mention quotes..



Just fancied posting a few here


Have fun

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Weird Things You Would Never Know!!


Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. actually proved wrong lol

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

More tidbits

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.
Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not
to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.

A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being de-capitated.

The first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor Christian Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became Christine Jargensen.

Unless food is mixed with saliva you cannot taste it.

On average a hiccup lasts 5 minutes.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

A newborn baby's head accounts for one-quarter of its weight.

If all your DNA was stretched out, it would reach to the moon.

 

[Dietrich K.]

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Yes, it does.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Probably not.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Yes, it does.



Probably not.

*grins*

 

[~Dacendaran~]

A 30 year old man married a 25 year old woman. She died at age 50
and her husband was so devastated that he cried for years. Ten
years after he stopped crying, he died. If he had lived to be 80,
how many years was he a widower?​

Answer--- He was a widower for 25 years.​

 

[WantonWitch]

You asked for it

Famous Sex Quotes...


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."! Woody Allen


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place." Billy Crystal ! ;



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm ! doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams


" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers


" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel


"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

 

[WantonWitch]

These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment)
tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats;



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage

has fungus growing in it.



2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.



3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.


4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.



5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.



6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.



7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.



8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?



9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.



10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.



11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen



12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.



13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.


14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.


15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.



16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.



17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.



18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.



19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.



20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

"I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."
- Baby Spice of the Spice Girls

"Most hotels are already booked solid by people, plus 5,000 journalists."
- Bangkok Post

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

"City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington."
- BBC commentator

"I don't think the Republicans can damage my character"
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"You guys have to run a little more than full speed out there."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Next up is the Central African Republic located in central Africa."
- Bob Costas, during the parade of nations in the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia

"Life is very important to Americans."
- Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets."
- British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something."
- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Budapest Zoo sign

 

[~Dacendaran~]

"Inbreeding is how we get championship horses."
- Carl Gunter, Louisiana state representative, explaining why he was fighting a proposed antiabortion bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest.

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"If you walk backwards, you'll find out that you can go forwards and people won't know if you're coming or going."
- Casel Stengal, former Baseball player

"The team has come along slow but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"It's only puffy when it's swollen."
- Charlie Hough, Baseball player, describing his broken finger

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

"As Deng's health is now failing, many matters have been passed to Wan Li, who despite his age is still alive."
- company report, China Inc.

"Football players win football games."
- Chuck Knox, football coach

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

"Most lies about blondes are false."
- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star."
- Cindy Crawford, Supermodel

"SUPREME COURT REULES THAT MURDERERS SHALL NOT BE ELECTROCUTED
TWICE FOR THE SAME CRIME."
- Cleveland Daily News, Headline

"Lack of brains hinders research."
- Columbus Dispatch, Headline

"Any person who shall lead or drive a bear upon any highway shall be fined not more than $50."
- Connecticut General Statutes, Section 6215

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!

Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants!


The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!


Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!


The Philadelphia mint produces 26 million pennies per day!


A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

It is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States!

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!

 

[~Dacendaran~]

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing!

One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen!

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis!


The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!


No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building!

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!

Porcupines float in water!

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet!

The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches!

The Mint once considered producing doughnut-shaped coins!

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!








The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur!

Cat urine glows under a black-light!

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland!

A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average!
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks!

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!


Hummingbirds can weigh less than a penny!!


Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it's known as Tennessee!

The Earth weighs around 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons (5,940 billion billion metric tons)!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation!

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year!

It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!

The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha, Nebraska!

you're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!

Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

The state of Florida is bigger than England!

There are more than one million animal species on Earth!

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!

 

[~Dacendaran~]

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!


Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!


The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

The starfish is one of the few animals who can turn it's stomach inside-out!

Eskimo ice cream is neither icy, or creamy!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

The elephant is one of the few mammals that can't jump!

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!


One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet!


America once issued a 5-cent bill!

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month! Interesting tries from our readers: orange: door hinge, melange (French for mix) purple: hurtle, durple?, turtle month: once, bunth?, hunch

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

Here are some interesting numbers to look at! (*1997)
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the U.S!
1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire a strung across the U.S!
123,000,000 cars are being driven down the U.S's highways!
85,000,000 tons of paper are used each year in the U.S!
56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball each year!


Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!

 

[~Dacendaran~]

There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S!

Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year!

In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!

Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate

A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!

The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia!.. More fears...

There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!

Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!

An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!

Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water!

More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby!

In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds!

Rice paper does not have any rice in it!


Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day!


In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

The average person laughs 13 times a day!

Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!



The most used letter in the English alphabet is 'E', and 'Q' is the least used!

There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year!

The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!

Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!

The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!


Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints!


Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is -- be it red or neon yellow!

Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings!

Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight!

A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though!

The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!

The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!

A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court!

After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again!

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Surely.....these aren't real!!!!!!!!!!

In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.

Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane.

In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.

In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.

A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.

In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.




In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !


In Kentucky, it's the law that a person must take a bath once a year.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.

In the State of Kansas, you're not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.

In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.

In New Jersey, cabbage can't be sold on Sunday.


In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose in the street!


In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.

In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it is unlawful to leave chewing gum in public places.

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatos in clam chowder.

In Washington State, you can't carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a merchant to force a person into his place of business for the purpose of making a sale.

It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.

In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.


In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light !


In Phoenix, Arizona, you can't walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.

In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.

In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.

In Georgia, it's against the law to spread a false rumor.

In West Virginia, one can't cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odors and the offence is subject to imprisonment.

In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.

The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.

In Texas, it is still a "hanging offense" to steal cattle.


Surely these aren't right, but then again I may be wrong

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Limericks have always been a popular verse form which can be traced back to 14th century nursery rhymes and bawdy songs, and they gradually evolved to become an important part of traitional folk poetry

Limericks are usually in 5 line verses

like so....


I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda.
I was rude, but my God! she was ruder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.



The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring,
he was lame, but he came
With his dame like a flame -
A discharge is a wonderful thing.



A disgusting young man called McGill
Made his neighbours ill
When they heard of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

A cardinal living in Rome
had a renaissance bath in his home.
he would savour the nudes
As he worked up his moods,
In emulsions of semen and foam.


A lewd Northumbrian Druid
Had a mind so filthy and lewd,
He woke from a trance
With his in his pants
On a lump of cold seminal fluid.



A vigorous whore from Warsaw,
Fucked all of her customers raw.
She would thump with her rump,
And punt with her cunt,
And suck every prick that she saw.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when she came,
'oh dear, what a shame!
Well now we just have to start over.'


There was a young fellow called lancelot
Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A pretty young lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

There was an old man of Decatur
Who took out his trouser potater.
he tried at her dent,
But when jis thing bent,
he got down on his knees and he ate 'er.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

There was a young girl called mcbight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to her bed
With a split maidenhead -
'Twas the last time she ever got tight.










more soon

 

[~Dacendaran~]

Ballads, Poems & Recitations

I've got alot of these, and thought I would share and I hope you will too

I will print the Author aswell, if I know that is



Guid-Mornin' to our Majesty!
May Heaven augment your blisses
On ev'ry new birth-day ye see,
A humble poet wishes.
My bardship here, at your Levee
On sic a day as this is,
Is sure an uncouth sight to see,
Amang thae birth-day dresses
Sae fine this day.

I see ye're complimented thrang,
By mony a lord an' lady;
"God save the King" 's a cuckoo sang
That's unco easy said aye:
The poets, too, a venal gang,
Wi' rhymes weel-turn'd an' ready,
Wad gar you trow ye ne'er do wrang,
But aye unerring steady,
On sic a day.

For me! before a monarch's face
Ev'n there I winna flatter;
For neither pension, post, nor place,
Am I your humble debtor:
So, nae reflection on your Grace,
Your Kingship to bespatter;
There's mony waur been o' the race,
And aiblins ane been better
Than you this day.

'Tis very true, my sovereign King,
My skill may weel be doubted;
But facts are chiels that winna ding,
An' downa be disputed:
Your royal nest, beneath your wing,
Is e'en right reft and clouted,
And now the third part o' the string,
An' less, will gang aboot it
Than did ae day.^1

Far be't frae me that I aspire
To blame your legislation,
Or say, ye wisdom want, or fire,
To rule this mighty nation:
But faith! I muckle doubt, my sire,
Ye've trusted ministration
To chaps wha in barn or byre
Wad better fill'd their station
Than courts yon day.

And now ye've gien auld Britain peace,
Her broken shins to plaister,
Your sair taxation does her fleece,
Till she has scarce a tester:
For me, thank God, my life's a lease,
Nae bargain wearin' faster,
Or, faith! I fear, that, wi' the geese,
I shortly boost to pasture
I' the craft some day.

I'm no mistrusting Willie Pitt,
When taxes he enlarges,
(An' Will's a true guid fallow's get,
A name not envy spairges),
That he intends to pay your debt,
An' lessen a' your charges;
But, God-sake! let nae saving fit
Abridge your bonie barges
An'boats this day.

Adieu, my Liege; may freedom geck
Beneath your high protection;
An' may ye rax Corruption's neck,
And gie her for dissection!
But since I'm here, I'll no neglect,
In loyal, true affection,
To pay your Queen, wi' due respect,
May fealty an' subjection
This great birth-day.

Hail, Majesty most Excellent!
While nobles strive to please ye,
Will ye accept a compliment,
A simple poet gies ye?
Thae bonie bairntime, Heav'n has lent,
Still higher may they heeze ye
In bliss, till fate some day is sent
For ever to release ye
Frae care that day.

For you, young Potentate o'Wales,
I tell your highness fairly,
Down Pleasure's stream, wi' swelling sails,
I'm tauld ye're driving rarely;
But some day ye may gnaw your nails,
An' curse your folly sairly,
That e'er ye brak Diana's pales,
Or rattl'd dice wi' Charlie
By night or day.

Yet aft a ragged cowt's been known,
To mak a noble aiver;
So, ye may doucely fill the throne,
For a'their clish-ma-claver:
There, him^2 at Agincourt wha shone,
Few better were or braver:
And yet, wi' funny, queer Sir John,^3
He was an unco shaver
For mony a day.

For you, right rev'rend Osnaburg,
Nane sets the lawn-sleeve sweeter,
Altho' a ribbon at your lug
Wad been a dress completer:
As ye disown yon paughty dog,
That bears the keys of Peter,
Then swith! an' get a wife to hug,
Or trowth, ye'll stain the mitre
Some luckless day!

Young, royal Tarry-breeks, I learn,
Ye've lately come athwart her-
A glorious galley,^4 stem and stern,
Weel rigg'd for Venus' barter;
But first hang out, that she'll discern,
Your hymeneal charter;
Then heave aboard your grapple airn,
An' large upon her quarter,
Come full that day.

Ye, lastly, bonie blossoms a',
Ye royal lasses dainty,
Heav'n mak you guid as well as braw,
An' gie you lads a-plenty!
But sneer na British boys awa!
For kings are unco scant aye,
An' German gentles are but sma',
They're better just than want aye
On ony day.

Gad bless you a'! consider now,
Ye're unco muckle dautit;
But ere the course o' life be through,
It may be bitter sautit:
An' I hae seen their coggie fou,
That yet hae tarrow't at it.
But or the day was done, I trow,
The laggen they hae clautit
Fu' clean that day.


Robert Burns

 

[~Dacendaran~]

THE TABLES TURNED

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN EVENING SCENE, ON THE SAME SUBJECT.

Up! up! my friend, and clear your looks,
Why all this toil and trouble?
Up! up! my friend, and quit your books,
Or surely you'll grow double.

The sun above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow,
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.

Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife,
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music; on my life
There's more of wisdom in it.

And hark! How blithe the throstle sings!
And he is no mean preacher;
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless--
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by chearfulness.

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man;
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

Sweet is the lore which nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mishapes the beauteous forms of things;
--We murder to dissect.

Enough of science and of art;
Close up these barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.


Unknown

 

[~Dacendaran~]

The Idiot Boy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Tis eight o'clock,--a clear March night,
The moon is up--the sky is blue,
The owlet in the moonlight air,
He shouts from nobody knows where;
He lengthens out his lonely shout,
Halloo! halloo! a long halloo!

--Why bustle thus about your door,
What means this bustle, Betty Foy?
Why are you in this mighty fret?
And why on horseback have you set
Him whom you love, your idiot boy?

Beneath the moon that shines so bright,
Till she is tired, let Betty Foy
With girt and stirrup fiddle-faddle;
But wherefore set upon a saddle
Him whom she loves, her idiot boy?

There's scarce a soul that's out of bed;
Good Betty! put him down again;
His lips with joy they burr at you,
But, Betty! what has he to do
With stirrup, saddle, or with rein?

The world will say 'tis very idle,
Bethink you of the time of night;
There's not a mother, no not one,
But when she hears what you have done,
Oh! Betty she'll be in a fright.

But Betty's bent on her intent,
For her good neighbour, Susan Gale,
Old Susan, she who dwells alone,
Is sick, and makes a piteous moan,
As if her very life would fail.

There's not a house within a mile,
No hand to help them in distress
Old Susan lies a bed in pain,
And sorely puzzled are the twain,
For what she ails they cannot guess.

And Betty's husband's at the wood,
Where by the week he doth abide,
A woodman in the distant vale;
There's none to help poor Susan Gale,
What must be done? what will betide?

And Betty from the lane has fetched
Her pony, that is mild and good,
Whether he be in joy or pain,
Feeding at will along the lane,
Or bringing faggots from the wood.

An he is all in traveling trim,
And by the moonlight, Betty Foy
Has up upon the saddle set,
The like was never heard of yet,
Him whom she loves, her idiot boy.

And he must post without delay
Across the bridge that's in the dale,
And by the church, and o'er the down,
To bring a doctor from the town,
Or she will die, old Susan Gale.

There is no need of boot or spur,
There is no need of whip or wand,
For Johnny has his holly-bough,
And with a hurly-burly now
He shakes the green bough in his hand.

And Betty o'er and o'er has told
The boy who is her best delight,
Both what to follow, what to shun,
What to do, and what to leave undone,
How to turn left, and how to right.

And Betty's most especial charge,
Was, "Johnny! Johnny! mind that you
"Come home again, nor stop at all,
"Come home again, whate'er befal,
"My Johnny do, I pray you do."

To this did Johnny answer make,
Both with his head, and with his hand,
And proudly shook the bridle too,
And then! his words were not a few,
Which Betty well could understand.

And now that Johnny is just going,
Though Betty's in a mighty flurry,
She gently pats the pony's side,
On which her idiot boy must ride,
And seems no longer in a hurry.

But when the pony moved his legs,
Oh! then for the poor idiot boy!
For joy he cannot hold the bridle,
For joy his head and heels are idle,
He's idle all for very joy.

And while the pony moves his legs,
In Johnny's left-hand you may see,
The green bough's motionless and dead;
The moon that shines above his head
Is not more still and mute than he.

His heart it was so full of glee,
That till full fifty yards were gone,
He quite forgot his holly whip,
And all his skill in horsemanship,
Oh! happy, happy, happy John.

And Betty's standing at the door,
And Betty's face with joy o'erflows,
Proud of herself, and proud of him,
She sees him in his traveling trim;
How quietly her Johnny goes.

The silence of her idiot boy,
What hope it sends to Betty's heart!
He's at the guide-post--he turns right,
She watches till he's out of sight,
And Betty will not then depart.

Burr, burr--now Johnny's lips they burr,
As loud as any mill, or near it,
Meek as a lamb the pony moves,
And Johnny makes the noise he loves,
And Betty listens, glad to hear it.

Away she hies to Susan Gale:
And Johnny's in a merry tune,
The owlets hoot, the owlets curr,
And Johnny's lips they burr, burr, burr,
And on he goes beneath the moon.

His steed and he right well agree,
For of this pony there's rumour,
That should he lose his eyes and ears,
And should he live a thousand years,
He never will be out of humour.

But then he is a horse that thinks!
And when he thinks his pace is slack;
Now, though he knows poor Johnny well,
Yet for his life he cannot tell
What he has got upon his back.

So through the moonlight lanes they go,
And far into the moonlight dale,
And by the church, and o'er the down,
To bring a doctor from the town,
To comfort poor old Susan Gale.

And Betty, now at Susan's side,
Is in the middle of her story,
What comfort Johnny soon will bring,
With many a most diverting thing,
Of Johnny's wit and Johnny's glory.

And Betty's still at Susan's side:
By this time she's not quite so flurried;
Demure with porringer and plate
She sits, as if in Susan's fate
Her life and soul were buried.

But Betty, poor good woman! she,
You plainly in her face may read it,
Could lend out of that moment's store
Five years of happiness or more,
To any that might need it.

But yet I guess that now and then
With Betty all was not so well,
And to the road she turns her ears,
And thence full many a sound she hears,
Which she to Susan will not tell.

Poor Susan moans, poor Susan groans,
"As sure as there's a moon in heaven,"
Cries Betty, "he'll be back again;
"They'll both be here, 'tis almost ten,
"They'll both be here before eleven."

Poor Susan moans, poor Susan groans,
The clock gives warning for eleven;
'Tis on the stroke--"If Johnny's near,"
Quoth Betty "he will soon be here,
"As sure as there's a moon in heaven."

The clock is on the stroke of twelve,
And Johnny is not yet in sight,
The moon's in heaven, as Betty sees,
But Betty is not quite at ease;
And Susan has a dreadful night.

And Betty, half an hour ago,
On Johnny vile reflections cast;
"A little idle sauntering thing!"
With other names, an endless string,
But now that time is gone and past.

And Betty's drooping at the heart,
That happy time all past and gone,
"How can it be he is so late?
"The doctor he has made him wait,
"Susan! they'll both be here anon."

And Susan's growing worse and worse,
And Betty's in sad quandary;
And then there's nobody to say
If she must go or she must stay:
--She's in a sad quandary.

The clock is on the stroke of one;
But neither Doctor nor his guide
Appear along the moonlight road
There's neither horse nor man abroad,
And Betty's still at Susan's side.

And Susan she begins to fear
Of sad mischances not a few,
That Johnny may perhaps be drown'd,
Or lost perhaps, and never found;
Which they must both for ever rue.

She prefaced half a hint of this
With, "God forbid it should be true!"
At the first word that Susan said
Cried Betty, rising from the bed,
"Susan, I'd gladly stay with you.

"I must be gone, I must away.
"Consider, Johnny's but half-wise;
"Susan, we must take care of him,
"If he is hurt in life or limb"--
"Oh God forbid!" poor Susan cries.

"What can I do?" says Betty, going,
"What can I do to ease your pain?
"Good Susan tell me, and I'll stay;
"I fear you're in a dreadful way,
"But I shall soon be back again."

"Good Betty go, good Betty go,
"There's nothing that can ease my pain."
Then off she hies, but with a prayer
That God poor Susan's life would spare,
Till she comes back again.

So, through the moonlight lane she goes,
And far into the moonlight dale;
And how she ran, and how she walked,
And all that to herself she talked,
Would surely be a tedious tale.

In high and low, above, below,
In great and small, in round and square,
In tree and tower was Johnny seen,
In bush and brake, in black and green,
'Twas Johnny, Johnny, every where.

She's past the bridge that's in the dale,
And now the thought torments her sore,
Johnny perhaps his horse forsook,
To hunt the moon that's in the brook,
And never will be heard of more.

And now she's high upon the down,
Alone amid a prospect wide;
There's neither Johnny nor his horse,
Among the fern or in the gorse;
There's neither doctor nor his guide.

"Oh saints! what is become of him?
"Perhaps he's climbed into an oak,
"Where he will stay till he is dead;
"Or sadly he has been misled,
And joined the wandering gypsey-folk.

"Or him that wicked pony's carried
"To the dark cave, the goblin's hall,
"Or in the castle he's pursuing,
"Among the ghosts, his own undoing;
"Or playing with the waterfall."

At poor old Susan then she railed,
While to the town she posts away;
"If Susan had not been so ill,
"Alas! I should have had him still,
"My Johnny, till my dying day."

Poor Betty! in this sad distemper,
The doctor's self would hardly spare,
Unworthy things she talked and wild,
Even he, of cattle the most mild,
The pony had his share.

And now she's got into the town,
And to the doctor's door she hies;
'Tis silence all on every side;
The town so long, the town so wide,
Is silent as the skies.

And now she's at the doctor's door,
She lifts the knocker, rap, rap, rap,
The doctor at the casement shews,
His glimmering eyes that peep and doze;
And one hand rubs his old night-cap.

"Oh Doctor! Doctor! where's my Johnny?"
"I'm here, what is't you want with me?"
"Oh Sir! you know I'm Betty Foy,
"And I have lost my poor dear boy,
"You know him--him you often see;

"He's not as wise as some folks be,"
"The devil take his wisdom!" said
The Doctor, looking somewhat grim,
"What, woman! should I know of him?"
And, grumbling, he went back to bed.

"O woe is me! O woe is me!
"here will I die; here will I die;
"I thought to find my Johnny here,
"But he is neither far nor near,
"Oh! what a wretched mother I!"

She stops, she stands, she looks about,
Which way to turn she cannot tell.
Poor Betty! it would ease her pain
If she had the heart to knock again;
--The clock strikes three--a dismal knell!

Then up along the town she hies,
No wonder if her senses fail,
This piteous news so much it shock'd her,
She quite forgot to send the Doctor,
To comfort poor old Susan Gale.

And now she's high upon the down,
And she can see a mile of road,
"Oh cruel! I'm almost three-score;
"Such night as this was ne'er before,
"There's not a single soul abroad."

She listens, but she cannot hear
The foot of horse, the voice of man;
The streams with softest sound are flowing,
The grass you almost hear it growing,
You hear it now if e'er you can.

The owlets through the long blue night
Are shouting to each other still:
Fond lovers, yet not quite hob nob,
They lengthen out the tremulous sob,
That echoes far from hill to hill.

Poor Betty now has lost all hope,
Her thoughts are bent on deadly sin;
A green-grown pond she just has pass'd,
And from the brink she hurries fast,
Lest she should drown herself therein.

And now she sits her down and weeps;
Such tears she never shed before;
"Oh dear, dear pony! my sweet joy!
"Oh carry back my idiot boy!
"And we will ne'er o'erload thee more."

A thought is come into her head;
"The pony he is mild and good,
"And we have always used him well;
"Perhaps he's gone along the dell,
"And carried Johnny to the wood."

Then up she springs as if on wings;
She thinks no more of deadly sin;
If Betty fifty ponds should see,
The last of all her thoughts would be,
To drown herself therein.

Oh reader! now that I might tell
What Johnny and his horse are doing!
What they've been doing all this time,
Oh could I put it into rhyme,
A most delightful tale pursuing!

Perhaps, and no unlikely thought!
He with his pony now doth roam
The cliffs and peaks so high that are,
To lay his hands upon a star,
And in his pocket bring it home.

Perhaps he's turned himself about,
His face unto his horse's tail,
And still and mute, in wonder lost,
All like a silent horseman-ghost,
He travels on along the vale.

And now, perhaps, he's hunting sheep,
A fierce and dreadful hunter he!
Yon valley, that's so trim and green,
In five months' time, should he be seen,
A desart wilderness will be.

Perhaps, with head and heels on fire,
And like the very soul of evil,
He's galloping away, away,
And so he'll gallop on for aye,
The bane of all that dread the devil.

I to the muses have been bound,
These fourteen years, by strong indentures;
Oh gentle muses! let me tell
But half of what to him befel,
For sure he met with strange adventures.

Oh gentle muses! Is this kind?
Why will ye thus my suit repel?
Why of your further aid bereave me?
And can you thus unfriended leave me?
Ye muses! whom I love so well.

Who's yon, that, near the waterfall,
Which thunders down with headlong force,
Beneath the moon, yet shining fair,
As careless as if nothing were,
Sits upright on a feeding horse?

Unto his horse, that's feeding free,
He seems, I think, the reins to give;
Of moon or stars he takes no heed;
Of such we in romances read,
--'Tis Johnny! Johnny! as I live.

And that's the very pony, too.
Where is she, where is Betty Foy?
She hardly can sustain her fears;
The roaring water-fall she hears,
And cannot find her idiot boy.

Your pony's worth his weight in gold,
Then calm your terrors, Betty Foy!
She's coming from among the trees,
And now, all full in view, she sees
Him whom she loves, her idiot boy.

And Betty sees the pony too:
Why stand you thus Good Betty Foy?
It is no goblin, 'tis no ghost,
'Tis he whom you so long have lost,
He whom you love, your idiot boy.

She looks again--her arms are up--
She screams--she cannot move for joy;
She darts as with a torrent's force,
She has almost o'erturned the horse,
And fast she holds her idiot boy.

And Johnny burrs and laughs aloud,
Whether in cunning or in joy,
I cannot tell; but while he laughs,
Betty a drunken pleasure quaffs,
To hear again her idiot boy.

And now she's at the pony's tail,
And now she's at the pony's head,
On that side now, and now on this,
And almost stifled with her bliss,
A few sad tears does Betty shed.

She kisses o'er and o'er again,
Him whom she loves, her idiot boy,
She's happy here, she's happy there,
She is uneasy every where:
Her limbs are all alive with joy.

She pats the pony, where or when
She knows not, happy Betty Foy!
The little pony glad may be,
But he is milder far than she,
You hardly can perceive his joy.

"Oh! Johnny, never mind the Doctor;
"You've done your best, and that is all."
She took the reins, when this was said,
And gently turned the pony's head
From the loud water-fall.

By this the stars were almost gone,
The moon was setting on the hill,
So pale you scarcely looked at her:
The little birds began to stir,
Though yet their tongues were still.

The pony, Betty, and her boy,
Wind slowly through the windy dale:
And who is she, be-times abroad,
That hobbles up the steep rough road?
Who is it, but old Susan Gale?

Long Susan lay deep lost in thought,
And many dreadful fears beset her,
Both for her messenger and nurse;
And as her mind grew worse and worse,
Her body it grew better.

She turned, she toss'd herself in bed,
On all sides doubts and terrors met her;
Point after point did she discuss;
And while her mind was fighting thus,
Her body still grew better.

"Alas! what is become of them?
"These fears can never be endured,
"I'll to the wood."--The word scarce said
Did Susan rise up from her bed,
As if by magic cured.

Away she posts up hill and down,
And to the wood at length is come,
She pies her friends, she shouts a greeting;
Oh me! it is a merry meeting,
As ever was in Christendom.

The owls have hardly sung their last,
While our four travelers homeward wend;
The owls have hooted all night long,
And with the owls began my song.


unknown
And with the owls must end.

For while they all were travelling home,
Cried Betty, "Tell us, Johnny, do,
"Where all this long night you have been,
"What you have heard, what you have seen,
"And Johnny, mind you tell us true."

Now Johnny all night long had heard
The owls in tuneful concert strive;
No doubt too he the moon had seen;
For in the moon light he had been
From eight o'clock till five.

And thus to Betty's question, he
Made answer, like a traveller bold,
(His very words I give to you,)
"The cocks did crow to-whoo, tu-whoo,
"And the sun did shine so cold."
--Thus answered Johnny in his glory,
And that was all his travel's story.

 

[~Dacendaran~]

ACH, I DUNNO



I'm simply surrounded by lovers
Since Da made his fortune in land.
They're coming in flocks like the plovers
To ax for me hand -
There's clerks and policemen and teachers,
Some sandy, some black as a crow -
Ma says you get used to the creatures
But, ach, I dunno -

The convent is in a commotion
To think of me taking a spouse,
And they wonder I hadn't the notion
Of taking the vows.
'Tis a beautiful life and a quiet,
And keeps ye from going below,
As a girl I thought I might try it,
But, ach, I dunno -

I've done but meself to look after,
An' marriage it fills me with fears,
I think I'd have less of laughter
And more of the tears.
I'll not be a slave like me mother,
With six of us all in a row,
Even one little baby's a bother,
But, ach, I dunno -

There's a lad that has taken me fancy,
I know he's a bit of a limb,
And though marriage is terrible chancy,
I'd - chance it with him.
He's coming to-night - oh - I tingle
From the top of me head to my toe,
I'll tell him I'd rather live single,
But, ach, I dunno -

Percy French