Ocean's Daughter: A Wet Terzanelle for Judo

[WickedEve]

Shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide,
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Dark shades allow wathful eyes to hide.
Intimate thoughts drift quietly her way,
as translucent pearls on soft skin slide.

Images float in my innermost bay:
sanded thighs gently part for touch.
Intimate thoughts drift quietly her way.

Impossible to swim her depths too much,
wade through salty creases and folds --
sanded thighs gently part for touch.

Liquid movements, my mind holds.
Long to sweep over in lover's wave,
wade through salty creases and folds.

She'll never know the pleasure she gave,
shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
Long to sweep over in lover's wave;
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

 

[JUDO]

Thanks, WE. Now, quick - get a towel!


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

Judo

We shouldn't be the only drippy wet ones around here!
Anyone else want to dedicate a poem to someone?

smithpeter waiting for a miracle

a cow tipped over on smithpeter.
as miracles brewed and cow mooed,
they had an udderly interesting conversation.
Did God plan to send a man,
with barbeque to the rescue?
smithpeter is waiting for a miracle.

 

[WickedEve]

Karma Haiku

Karma rolls over;
ladies tickle his fancy.
He has good karma.

 

[JUDO]

By the way, how'd the terzanelle get wet? Are you writing with ink and paper again?


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

I'm not telling where I dipped the pen!

 

[JUDO]

Wicked dipped her pen.
Boldly writing she did go
While she also came.

 

[WickedEve]

I dipped my pretty pen
wrote a few nasty words
he licked the paper dry
his moans you should've heard

 

[_Land]

Love this Poem, very visually stunning, created a wonderfull mental image in my mind. Thanks for posting it

 

[WickedEve]

Love this Poem, very visually stunning, created a wonderfull mental image in my mind. Thanks for posting it

Thank you, land.
Anyone else have any comments on it? I keep feeling as though the meter or something is off.

 

[WickedEve]

editing out the revision, because I'm revising the revision. lol

 

[karmadog]

Eve wrote

Karma rolls over;
ladies tickle his fancy.
He has good karma.

That's actually really funny to me. One of the best things about having a puppy named "Karma" was taking her for a walk. Everytime she's take a dump, I'd be out there cooing, "Good, Karma", but people would hear "Good karma." I got the strangest looks.

I love confusing people.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

editing out the revision, because I'm revising the revision. lol

I was here a few minutes ago, read your revision, thought about it, now I come back to comment, and it's gone! Wicked tease!

 

[WickedEve]

Eve wrote

That's actually really funny to me. One of the best things about having a puppy named "Karma" was taking her for a walk. Everytime she's take a dump, I'd be out there cooing, "Good, Karma", but people would hear "Good karma." I got the strangest looks.

I love confusing people.

I'm already confused, but you confuse me more. lol
I just noticed your sig line. "dog's crap." Ewww! lol

 

[WickedEve]

I was here a few minutes ago, read your revision, thought about it, now I come back to comment, and it's gone! Wicked tease!

Yes, I am! tee hee hee hee!

Here all the revisions that I have posted at lotus. I'm ready to dump this poem!

Revision 3 is the last one... so far. This revision is by sweetwood. He's offers it as an example on how to improve the rhythm.

Shimmering wet, the oceans daughter
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Dark shades allow watchful eyes to hide
Thoughts so intimate drift quietly her way
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide.

Images, they float across my inner bay
Sanded thighs part gently for the touch
Thoughts so intimate drift quietly her way.

Impossible to swim her depth too much
Wade through salty crease and folds –
Sanded thighs part gently for the touch.

Liquid movements, my imagination holds.
Long to sweep away on lover’s wave
Wade through salty crease and folds.

She will never know the pleasure that she gave
Shimmering wet, the oceans’s daughter
Long to sweep away on lover’s wave
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Revision 2 is too choppy, don't you think so?

Shimmering wet, ocean's daughter;
Translucent pearls on skin slide.
Deeply drown in streams of water.

Shades allow blue gaze to hide;
Intimate thoughts drift her way.
Translucent pearls on skin slide.

Images float in my inner bay:
sanded thighs tremble for touch.
Intimate thoughts drift her way.

Never swim her depths too much.
Wading through her salty folds,
sanded thighs tremble for touch.

Fluid movements, mind holds.
Long to sweep in lover's wave,
wading through her salty folds.

Dreams surge; fingers crave
shimmering wet, ocean's daughter.
Long to sweep in lover's wave,
deeply drown in streams of water.

Revision 1:
Shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide,
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Dark shades allow wathful eyes to hide.
Intimate thoughts drift quietly her way,
as translucent pearls on soft skin slide.

Images float in my innermost bay:
sanded thighs gently part for touch.
Intimate thoughts drift quietly her way.

Impossible to swim her depths too much,
wade through salty creases and folds --
sanded thighs gently part for touch.

Liquid movements, my mind holds. (imagination holds)
Long to sweep over in lover's wave,
wade through salty creases and folds.

She'll never know the pleasure she gave,
shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
Long to sweep over in lover's wave;
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Original:
Shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide,
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Dark shades allow telling eyes to hide.
Thoughts of my tongue drift quietly her way,
as translucent pearls on soft skin slide.

Images float in my innermost bay:
sanded thighs gently parted for touch.
Thoughts of my tongue drift quietly her way.

Impossible to swim her depths too much,
splash in a sea of sweet flesh and folds --
sanded thighs gently parted for touch.

Her distant approach, my attention she holds.
Long to sweep over her in lover's wave,
splash in a sea of sweet flesh and folds

She'll never know the pleasure she gave,
shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter.
Long to sweep over her in lover's wave;
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Yes, I am! tee hee hee hee!

Here all the revisions that I have posted at lotus. I'm ready to dump this poem!

Thank you, Wicked One! I know I should have seen it in Lotus but it's been I while since I go there -- will happen soon, though

I really liked the original when you first posted it, even if -- and I just realized this -- I never told you. I could swear I had posted something in this thread before...

There was, however room for improvement. Mostly, I disliked the broken, disconnected feel of the terzanelle. This time, you let the form get in the way of the poem: every verse was just a bit off from the previous one, they didn't really connect amongst them -- thence all the colons, semicolons and full stops -- and the rhythm really suffered with it.

Revision 1 was better, but that broken up non-flow was still there.

Revision 2, like you said, it's too choppy. There's nothing wrong with the shorter lenght meter but, because you were basically pruning an already existing poem, you only managed to break it into even smaller bits and pieces. Not only the verses were disconnected, but the very inner structure of some verses was affected -- "Dreams surge; fingers crave". (And right you were about wanting to get rid of "tremble")

Finally, in Sweetwood's version, it's working! From my perspective, it still stumbles a little in a couple of places, but overall it's very good. Bravo!


Shimmering wet, the ocean's daughter:
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

Dark shades allow watchful eyes to hide
Thoughts so intimate drift quietly her way
As translucent pearls on soft skin slide.

Soft images float across my inner bay:
Sanded thighs part gently for [the] touch -- her, my but not the please --
Thoughts so intimate drift quietly her way.

Impossible to swim her depth too much:
Wade through salty crease and folds –
Sanded thighs part gently for [the] touch.

Liquid movements, my imagination holds:
Long to sweep away on lover’s wave
Wade through salty crease and folds.

She'll never know the pleasure [] she gave
Shimmering wet, the oceans’s daughter
Long to sweep away on lover’s wave
I drown deeply in her streams of water.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks L!
I seem to have such a hard time with rhythm. I remember when I first came to lit, I didn't have that much trouble. Maybe it's the more complicated forms that are throwing me.
Practice, practice, practice!

 

[WickedEve]

I just submitted a revision the way you have it, Lauren. Thanks for the help.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Wow. Now you're making me feel all important and stuff. You're not getting intimidated by my superior post count, revealing of greater wisedom and experience, are you?

 

[WickedEve]

Wow. Now you're making me feel all important and stuff. You're not getting intimidated by my superior post count, revealing of greater wisedom and experience, are you?

Teenagers are so cute. lol

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Teenagers are so cute. lol

LOL

Liar

 

[WickedEve]

Words of Wisdom

Be a good girl, Lauren. Liar isn't a nice word. Remember, if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. And don't take lollipops from strange men's pants.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm sorry, Eve. I let my raging teenage hormones take over for a second...

(What if I ask their name before taking the big throbbing yummy lollipop from their pants into my slick warm willing mouth? Would that work?)

 

[WickedEve]

I'm sorry, Eve. I let my raging teenage hormones take over for a second...

(What if I ask their name before taking the big throbbing yummy lollipop from their pants into my slick warm willing mouth? Would that work?)

Lauren's full name: : Little Lolita Lauren Lollipop Hynde