Observations & Reflections

[destinie21]

I was just looking over some of my old notebooks and I found an excercise that I've done quite often in the past. I'm a people watcher by nature and so I used to write reflections on what I saw. The excercise really helped my writing skills as far as articulating a scene the mood and such with or w/o dialouge or even the internal character monolouge. I haven't done it in a while but here goes


The girl sat with her legs crossed, her already short skirt moving up the path of indecency. She ran perfectly painted pink nails through dyed hair and parted her glossed lips a bit. Pretending not to notice the group of boys watching her as she thrust her breasts forward in a faux stretch.The lycra of her shirt straining over the rounded flesh. She may have been to young to be dressed like that, the curve of her cheek was still childlike but her eyes were hard and knowing. I couldn't guess her years, maybe under that electric beach tan and to much makeup she was a grown woman. Maybe.

Or maybe she was a girl who had seen to much to soon.

 

[book_man_03]

Nice work, but...

Watch your 'too/to' usage -

'...been to young....' should be '...been too young...' and '...seen to much to soon...' should be '...seen too much too soon...'

Little things, but they irritate the hell out of me.

Art

 

[destinie21]

Re: Nice work, but...

Watch your 'too/to' usage -

'...been to young....' should be '...been too young...' and '...seen to much to soon...' should be '...seen too much too soon...'

Little things, but they irritate the hell out of me.

Art

Thanks I waswondering about that.

 

[Guest]

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I liked it, destinie. The only quibble I have is this phrase from the first sentence, "..., her already short skirt moving up the path of indecency." IMHO, that makes it sound like her legs are an indecent path. Maybe something like, "...moving up the path of her long legs towards indecency."

For what it's worth, I described her legs as "long" to contrast them with the skirt which is, "short."

But like a say, that's a quibble. The important thing is you seem to have gotten the essence of the character. Good work.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[LorriLove]

hiya des

not being really qualified to answer, not being an author "yet" i think rumple could be right hun about the long legs and all.

her mini skirt, already too short to cover her shapley long legs, had ridden up further as she adjusted her position on the seat exposing more than was decent of the darker band at the top of her nylon stockings.

brings to two's, or too's, or. to's, or 2's, or what the f**k back in as well, but hay that's writing i suppose, can't live without them.

i too, giggle, have tried writing things down in a notebook as i practice my writing a bit, just to see what it looks like.
i might post a story one day soon.

 

[Guest]

Re: hiya des

i might post a story one day soon.

Lorri, love, I want to be one of the first to know!

Perdita

 

[raphy]

It's always an interesting exericse to do something like that, Mrs D. I think it came out pretty good for you, although I agree with Rumple's comment.

I wrote a story once that was divided up into 3 points of view. Two were regular 3rd person POVs and the 3rd was from the point of view of an external observer. It was a great challenge for me, because all of the sequences from his point of view were 100% without dialogue. Just the description of what was going on, and the character's internal monologue.

 

[destinie21]

C'mon boys and girls doesn't anyone want to try the excercise?

Ps: Re: the path of indecency, it is meant to to say that her legs or the amount that she's showing is indecent so I think it worked out quite well

 

[Icingsugar]

C'mon biys and girls doesn't anyone want to try the excercise?

I'll post ya one later tonight. Promise.

 

[Icingsugar]

Because I'm a man of my word, or something like that:


At first glance, everything about the man was grey. You could had passed him, or others like him, a million times without even noticing they were there. He was the epitome of Average, the king of Plain. Brown suede shoes, dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt and a dull, nondescript jacket was his royal robe. Thin brown hair with greyish strands was his crown.

But now, for reasons only he knew, he was all but average. This man shined like the sun. His eyes were burning like bushfire, and his posture swelled, swooned, grew him bigger than his grey shell, larger than life. With a flicker of a smile, and a step belonging to someone half his age, he set off down the street, closing the cell phone he had been listening to and headed out into what must have been an amazing afternoon.



njoi!

 

[snooper]

Edited by snooper

At first glance, everything about the man was grey. You could hadhave passed him, or others like him, a million times without even noticing they were there. He was the epitome of Average, the king of Plain. Brown suede shoes, dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt and a dull, nondescript jacket was his royal robe. Thin brown hair with greyish strands was his crown.

Butdon't start a sentence with a conjunction, let alone a paragraph now, for reasons only he knew, he was all but average. This man shinedshone like the sun. His eyes were burning like bushfire, and his posture swelled, swooned, grew him bigger than his grey shell, larger than life. With a flicker of a smile, and a step belonging to someone half his age, he set off down the street, closing the cell phone he had been listening to, and headed out into what must have been an amazing afternoon.

 

[Icingsugar]

Butdon't start a sentence with a conjunction, let alone a paragraph now, for reasons only he knew, he was all but average.

Please explain. Why not?

This man shined/shone like the sun.

Was pondering that for a while. Should had grabbed a dictionary.

 

[The_Fool]

Please explain. Why not?

A conjunction is meant to link related ideas in the same sentence, typically after a stop provided by a comma or semi-colon. The phrase associated with a conjunction is not meant to be standalone in nature, so should never be used after the hard stop of a period, which separates standalone thoughts or at the beginning of a paragraph which indicates a shift in thought.

Rules, however, are meant to be broken, depending on the needs of the story and the character in question. If the phrasing in question is a monologue and thats the way the character talks, then screw it. Sometimes rules are broken just to provide contrast. I sometimes start a sentence with "And" just to be an asshole. But then I'm a fool...

Now I'm going to have the frigging song "Conjunction Junction" running through my head all day.

Fool

 

[Icingsugar]

A conjunction is meant to link related ideas in the same sentence, typically after a stop provided by a comma or semi-colon. The phrase associated with a conjunction is not meant to be standalone in nature, so should never be used after the hard stop of a period, which separates standalone thoughts or at the beginning of a paragraph which indicates a shift in thought.

Point taken.

But rolleyes if I'd used "On the other hand..." instead, would anyone object? Isn't it the same thing, but in a different writing style?

A way to work around this might be to move that but:

...hair with greyish strands was his crown. He could easily had faded into the background, but right there and then, he was all but average.

For reasons only he knew, this man shone like...

Rules, however, are meant to be broken, depending on the needs of the story and the character in question.

Then I'll boldly keep going where no man has gone before, out into the vast darkness of gramattical sub-space, collecitng anomalities and negotiating alien tounge.

To infinity, and beyond!

 

[Guest]

Sugar, those rules are for conservationists, dissertations and other academic ilk. Do it your way as long as the basic grammatix are fine.

more-than-one-way Perdita

 

[Guest]

My Chopin

He looked taller due to a slim angular frame enhanced by his all black attire, an old trapunto textured sport coat and loose pants of dull heavy cotton, wrinkled and frayed. He also wore a black wool sweater over a white dress shirt, white socks and worn black suede Chinese slippers. It was obviously a cultivated look, but suited him perfectly, dramatizing his thinness, paleness and odd physique. His posture was poor enough that he might have gained several inches if he stood or sat straight. His head hung forward like an adolescent's as he moved languidly and awkwardly, with a queer grace. I thought it was simply the languor of youth. In another century he would have been called consumptive, a Chopin to fit a girl's poetic dreams. He fit mine perfectly.

 

[Jenny _S]

The old black man sat on the low stone wall facing the open sea, head down, elbows on his knees. At first he appeared the image of weariness. His chest moved slowly with his breath and with each movement his shoulders slumped just a bit more. Moving around him I could see the tears glistening on his cheeks dripping down on the legs of his white cotton trousers. The sun scorched his bare back. But he was unaware of these things or even of me. I knew then this was a man lost in his own inner grief.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Ice-man,

As others have indicated, the "rules" of writing are best applied to formal, non-fiction. When it comes to fiction, there is, IMHO, only one rule, "Thou shalt not bore the reader."

Rumple Foreskin

 

[ffreak]

The man stared across the busy terminal floor at the couple sitting on the bench. They were oblivious to the bustle and noise around them, holding hands and talking, their faces only inches apart. Was he a husband, a lover, a detective, or like me, simply a voyeur? His suit looked like he'd had a rough day, creased, wrinkled, loose where it should have fit well, tight across his shoulders. The tie looked like it had seen better days, too.

His dark eyes were clear and missed nothing of the show they were putting on for us. When the girl pressed her red lips against her companion's and her leg lifted against the other's knee, her dress rose up with her, showing an indecent amount of skin, and that her panties matched the red in her outfit. But this was soon lost to us as her companion covered the red strip of cloth with her hand, showing only pale fingers and bright red nails.

A fortuitous gift on Christmas Eve at Grand Central Station.

-FF