O/our first meeting in person

[Stormie64]

O/our first meeting in person (how it went)

I had my first D/s session last Thursday. It was amazing to say the least. For those who read about a previous Dom being an asshole to me, this is a different guy.

I was very proud of myself. I didn't things I didn't think I was capable of. I loved it! I want more.

I met Him on Fetlife. We talked a lot before meeting. I trust Him completely. It's strange how He can make me do anything. I want to please Him in any way I can.

I am now classified as a "sub in consideration by a Dom".

The one thing I am confused of is no set rules. Is is wrong to want to discuss this? I want something documented. There has been some developments that have made some things He has told me to do (or not to do) contradict themselves.

I have already received 2 demerits for things I did that I should not have. But I have sent Him a message with questions that I have tried to get answers to but haven't. I realize every relationship is different. I just want rules. I am so new to this. He broke my D/s session cherry.

Hopefully, I will know something soon.

I just wanted to share. Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcome.

 

[sophie_l]

I had my first D/s session last Thursday. It was amazing to say the least. For those who read about a previous Dom being an asshole to me, this is a different guy.

I was very proud of myself. I didn't things I didn't think I was capable of. I loved it! I want more.

I met Him on Fetlife. We talked a lot before meeting. I trust Him completely. It's strange how He can make me do anything. I want to please Him in any way I can.

I am now classified as a "sub in consideration by a Dom".

The one thing I am confused of is no set rules. Is is wrong to want to discuss this? I want something documented. There has been some developments that have made some things He has told me to do (or not to do) contradict themselves.

I have already received 2 demerits for things I did that I should not have. But I have sent Him a message with questions that I have tried to get answers to but haven't. I realize every relationship is different. I just want rules. I am so new to this. He broke my D/s session cherry.

Hopefully, I will know something soon.

I just wanted to share. Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcome.

I was keeping an eye on your previous post - I didn't feel like I had anything to offer that was different to the advice given.

Did you have your safe calls? Did you feel comfortable with him? Not in a 'we had mind blowing sex' kind of way, in a 'he made me feel relaxed and safe' kind of way. Please don't get caught up in the excitement of having your first experience and forget that this is a relationship just like any other.

I would also insist on rules - how can you submit to him if you don't know what he wants? And equally, you have to be able to say what you expect from him. You said something about him not wanting to know personal things about you - to me, that sounds like something he should know. Surely he can be a better Dominant if he knows you.

I guess I'm saying to still be a bit wary - just because he hasn't turned out to be an asshole yet doesn't mean that he won't do. BUT, he may be this amazing guy you think he is. Just be careful.

 

[Stormie64]

I was keeping an eye on your previous post - I didn't feel like I had anything to offer that was different to the advice given.

Did you have your safe calls? Did you feel comfortable with him? Not in a 'we had mind blowing sex' kind of way, in a 'he made me feel relaxed and safe' kind of way. Please don't get caught up in the excitement of having your first experience and forget that this is a relationship just like any other.

I would also insist on rules - how can you submit to him if you don't know what he wants? And equally, you have to be able to say what you expect from him. You said something about him not wanting to know personal things about you - to me, that sounds like something he should know. Surely he can be a better Dominant if he knows you.

I guess I'm saying to still be a bit wary - just because he hasn't turned out to be an asshole yet doesn't mean that he won't do. BUT, he may be this amazing guy you think he is. Just be careful.

Thank you Sophie!

He did make me feel safe. W/we had safe words. I didn't have to use them because He was pretty gentle with me since it was my first time.

I am trying to keep a level head. But like you said, it was my first time. Aren't first times wonderful?

Even though he doesn't want to know personal stuff, he is helping me to be more confident in myself. That something I do not have. So there are positive things.

Thanks again for your concern.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Stormie,

How much time did the two of you *talk* about your (plural) expectations and wants in this relationship BEFORE you got into actual activities?

IMNSHO, to just jump into activities (flogging, spanking, "demerits" {implying upcoming punishments when the number reaches a certain [undefined] level}, etc.) without thorough discussion of what each of you wants and expects from your relationship is an almost-sure guarantee of failure in the relationship. For you not to know what he desires/expects from you means you can't fulfill his desires; for him not to know what you desire/expect from him means he can't fulfill *your* desires/needs.

I'm sorry, but from what you've told us here, I see nothing but heartbreak and/or anger coming from this.

Communication is the foundation of ANY relationship; this is even more true in a kinky relationship.

 

[Stormie64]

I'm inclined to agree with Sir Winston. Your new Dom sounds inexperienced and or uneducated in the ways of bdsm. That is not necessarily bad, but does mean you both need to be extra careful so that nobody gets hurt, bot physically and emotionally. We all have to learn and start somewhere and there is no shame in admitting that. A Dom and a sub can learn together within the framework of the D/s relationship.

My own experience has been greatly enhanced by the guidance of a very helpful Domme who took me under her wing and taught me some of the ins and outs of proper Domsmanship, not to mention the finer points of wielding a whip, much to my sub's delight, but that's another story.

The notion that he doesn't want to know about you personally is strange indeed. A good Dom needs to know his sub so he can guide her and aid her in her personal growth. There's a lot more to bdsm than spanking and rough sex. I'm not sure your new man understands this.

And yes, the rules and limits need to be clearly established, especially if discipline for infractions is going to be a part of the deal. It also needs to be understood that these rules, and especially the limits may change as the relationship evolves and the two of you change and mature. A Dom who wants to skip those steps is probably just looking for kinky sex imho. Good luck with this. I wish you all the best, but please, do be careful.

Thank you & Sir Winston. I will take your advise & try not to feel so guilty that I have done something wrong........

 

[kimuk]

Thank you & Sir Winston. I will take your advise & try not to feel so guilty that I have done something wrong........

You have done nothing wrong hunnie

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank you & Sir Winston. I will take your advise & try not to feel so guilty that I have done something wrong........

You've done nothing wrong; you've merely been young, inexperienced, and perhaps a little bit gullible - which all of us were at some point in time (for some of us, a LONG time ago! )

 

[CutieMouse]

You haven't done anything wrong.

But watch out for sub frenzy - that OMG!/ SHINYNEWTOY!/ FROMGUYWHOMAKESMEFEELGOOD!/ THEBESTESTORGASMEVAR!/ OMGI'MFINALYDOINGTHIS!/ ITWILLBEPERFECT!/ SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! thing that tends to temporarily erase our brains.

See below quotes for hints of sub frenzy

I trust Him completely. It's strange how He can make me do anything. I want to please Him in any way I can.

You trust him COMPLETELY? ANYTHING? ANY WAY? It's been SEVEN DAYS since your other thread. Breathe. You mentioned being under consideration. Guess what? So is HE [by you].


Now for the boring stuff -

Not wanting to know personal stuff about you makes sense... if the dominant is looking at things from X perspective and you're looking at it from Y. I'd suggest if you move forward, you request clarification - is this a fuck buddy thing? A relationship? Something on the side?

Rules - written down rules ("contracts") are used by some, not by others. If it would make you feel more comfortable, I'd maybe ask for a very SIMPLE list of 5 or so "rules", just so you have something to hold onto; a foundation. HOWEVER - how will a piece of paper prevent you from earning "demerits" that you shouldn't? Because it sounds like that's already happened.

There are people out there who enjoy keeping a submissive off balance. If you're the sort who thrives on structure, it's not the most pleasant way to serve. Just something to consider.

Edit -

I just read the comments in your other thread... WHY did you give him access to your profile and let him change things about it? It looked like the argument was that you had "too much information" in the profile. Okay. Why not discuss that with you, explain what those things were/ why the profile might not be beneficial to you (and your safety), and let you - a grown woman - decide to make changes or not? He's "considering you", just as you are "considering" him... don't roll over and just hand stuff to someone who isn't giving back.

He's separated and going back to his wife? And didn't tell you this until AFTER he got what he wanted? Does that sound like the actions of someone who wants to make your emotional, physical and sexual safety a priority, or does it have a hint of someone manipulating things to make sure he increases his own odds?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Stormie,

Read the post above (from CutieMouse) twice. Then wait an hour or two and read it twice more. Consider everything she say in that post carefully. She is one of the most thoughtful and down-to-earth *wise* posters here when it comes to relationship issues (and lingerie questions {See Café}). Following her advice and/or carefully reviewing your relationhip(s) with regard to her questions/comments is one of the smartest things you - or anyone starting out in this (BDSM) culture - can do.

 

[Cone_ten]

Stormie, after reading the developments in both of these threads I have to agree with the many posters who are concerned about what's going on. You have already received much good advice, but for the sake of hearing another voice echo those sentiments:

It's great that you had a good session, but that doesn't mean you should be so willing to give your trust. You still know next to nothing about this person. He's at best inexperienced and unaware of the importance of boundaries and communication in a bdsm relationship (or any relationship for that matter). At worst he is being willfully deceptive and manipulative (he has a wife!?!?).

The sad truth is that he is very probably both inexperienced and manipulative. You can't fix that with a talk. You must be slower to trust new playmates. I find the fact that he asked for (and that you gave him) access to your profile so soon very concerning. That request strikes me as highly inappropriate on his part. Can he access any identification through your profile? Please make sure you're safe!

This is not to make you feel bad-we've all been there. It is easy to get swept off your feet by an exciting new person or feeling. The fact is there are lots of dominant fish in the bdsm sea. You deserve to find one who knows what they're doing and knows how to prioritize your well being.

 

[Stormie64]

I think I wanted someone so bad, I accepted what He said. Reading what all of you have wrote has been very helpful. Everything that you are saying is true and I guess I just needed to step out of the fantasy of it all. Now that I have, I can't do this with Him anymore.

I will hurt some because that's just the way I am. But I will be okay.

Thanks again. I hope if I ever have another chance to meet a decent Dom and I have questions, I can run them by you.

Hugs & Love to all

 

[CutieMouse]

I think I wanted someone so bad, I accepted what He said. Reading what all of you have wrote has been very helpful. Everything that you are saying is true and I guess I just needed to step out of the fantasy of it all. Now that I have, I can't do this with Him anymore.

I will hurt some because that's just the way I am. But I will be okay.

Thanks again. I hope if I ever have another chance to meet a decent Dom and I have questions, I can run them by you.

Hugs & Love to all

There are plenty of future lovers out there for you. The positives -

1. You've confirmed you like kinky sex
2. You've confirmed you enjoy a D/s dynamic
3. You're learned some of the things you do and don't want in future partners

I'd say that was a pretty good outcome, even if it's not what you were hoping for.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Hey Stormie

I'll echo the positive message that CutieMouse has posted just above. Some good DID come of this adventure! I was VERY worried as I was reading your further posts on your original thread, and I'm glad that you've considered your situation more thoroughly. That fellow was throwing a lot of red flags and I think you'll find yourself relieved you got out of that situation before it got out of hand. But, as CM said, you learned a lot as well, and had some fun!! YAY!

Don't let him harass you if he tries to push. Block/Ignore away, do it shamelessly... He has no right to you. Don't let him try to woe back into your panties either... When YOUR instincts, your friend's instincts, AND an entire series of replies on the internet (how often does the internet AGREE?!) throw on the brakes...it's a good idea!!

And don't forget to change your password/s. If he knows usernames to other sites/messengers you use and you use that password for ANYTHING else, I would consider changing it! Maybe a little paranoid, but it takes, like, 10 minutes for that peace of mind!

 

[Cone_ten]

I think I wanted someone so bad, I accepted what He said. Reading what all of you have wrote has been very helpful. Everything that you are saying is true and I guess I just needed to step out of the fantasy of it all. Now that I have, I can't do this with Him anymore.

I will hurt some because that's just the way I am. But I will be okay.

Thanks again. I hope if I ever have another chance to meet a decent Dom and I have questions, I can run them by you.

Hugs & Love to all

Stormie, I would also echo the positive messages above. I have certainly fallen for someone only to realize it was a mistake more than a few times. Each time was a very important learning experience.

Don't let this experience sour you on others. I am quite sure you'll have the chance to meet a decent dom if that's something you want to do. In addition to Fetlife and posting here I urge you to look up some local groups and join them for a munch or other non sexual event. You'll be able to get a much better feel for people that way and take things at your own pace. There are always less than desirable folks out there, but face to face contact in a group helps to sort it out.

Also I'd back blueeyes up in that you must must must change your password on any site in which that password appears. Doing so is not paranoid, it is very good advice.

 

[Cone_ten]

Also at least the session was good in the moment. I can't say the same for my first sessions, as either top or bottom.

 

[MsAmative]

I think I wanted someone so bad, I accepted what He said. Reading what all of you have wrote has been very helpful. Everything that you are saying is true and I guess I just needed to step out of the fantasy of it all. Now that I have, I can't do this with Him anymore.

I posted in your other thread. I just want to say in case you didn't realize it - this statement? This is HUGE! The insight into the situation, yourself... so many people go through life without ever really taking the time or want to take the time to realize something like this. Sometimes it takes us a lifetime to realize that, or a ton of similar experiences to have that revelation.

You've made a lot of big steps and realizations in such a short period of time. I have no doubt you'll eventually move on with this - and I think in time with the right person you will find a lot of happiness.

 

[Stormie64]

Not sure if I should have posted in this or a new thread.....Hopefully, someone can give me some advice.

We tentatively have plans for a second meeting on February 3rd. It's become so weird..........But for that I'd need to write a "book".

There are a lot of group discussions I would like to get into on Fetlife but I can't because He has access to my profile. Seriously, the way He has changed it. It's not even who I am..........He wants me to explore my Domme side. What Domme side? He also invited another woman to Domme me on the 3rd, he is already inviting others without telling me.......

I feel trapped and not in a good way. I do have another Dom I am talking to. Yes, my Dom knows about this. I even have permission to meet him and possibly play. That is with my Dom's approval.

He (my Dom) told me he just wants me to be careful and not get hurt. One of His statements, " remember guys only want pussy. then after they get it they may not see you again".

I have problems with depression. This is not making it easier. But since He wants to know nothing about me personally......He doesn't know what this is all doing to me.

Even though I am on medication, I am still passively suicidal. What that means is I would never do it but sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

To get out of this with the least amount of repercussion, how should I do it? I want someone to tell me what to do, no pun intended.

Again, thanks for listening to the newbie pest with BDSM questions.

 

[kimuk]

Fetlife - either change your password and refuse to give it to him or delete your account and make a new one with another user name.
What happens between you should be agreed. Not forced upon you. That's not domination it smacks of abuse?
The idea is that its an open honest exchange which meets both your needs and makes you both happy. If its causing you this much stress. Its time to say goodbye?
Either tell him you have had enough or stop responding to him. Silence usually gets the message through!

 

[CutieMouse]

Umm...

Take back control of your Fet profile.
Refuse to engage in anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Stop participating in a relationship that leaves you feeling "trapped".

Why did you agree to a meeting on the 3rd, when it sounded like you weren't comfortable moving forward with this guy? What makes him "your dom"? If you took the D/s out of things, would you be okay with a guy you just started dating treating you this way? Why do you have to go along with what he wants, just because he wants it?

And seriously - stop talking to dominants with the intent to play. If you want to experience things without commitment, go to a local munch, or a weekend conference or something, meet some people without the whole power thing getting in the way, and go to the local dungeon a few times.

 

[MsAmative]

There are a lot of group discussions I would like to get into on Fetlife but I can't because He has access to my profile. Seriously, the way He has changed it. It's not even who I am..........He wants me to explore my Domme side. What Domme side? He also invited another woman to Domme me on the 3rd, he is already inviting others without telling me.......

I feel trapped and not in a good way. I do have another Dom I am talking to. Yes, my Dom knows about this. I even have permission to meet him and possibly play. That is with my Dom's approval.

First off, as much as d/s is about power and we talk so much about how submissives give away total control you need to remember:

You are the one with the power. YOU are the one who decides what you submit to and what you don't. If you don't want to experience your "domme side" then you don't! If you don't want to play with other people he wants you to play with you do not have to. Plain and simple, he only has the control you are willing to give him.

If you tell him you don't want to do this and he insists then you walk away. If he can't respect your boundaries then walk away. I think you already know this, and I think in a lot of ways you are posting here looking for validation.

If you don't want him to have access to your fetlife then change your password. This isn't something he needs.... for anything! Change it, remove it, create another one. That is all up to you. This is your life.

How to get out of it? Simple really. I would hope he doesn't know where you live, yes? Change all your passwords. Make sure they are nothing he could come up with from what he know you. I would recommend a random password generator. Write those down so you remember them. Write him, or call him, or text him. Tell him thank you but no thank you I am done. If you chat on messenger - I suggest you block him. Email? Block or have it sent right to the trash. Phone number? Ask your carrier if you can block (some carriers can) and if you cannot assign him a silent ringtone. If he leaves you messages don't listen to them and delete them.

He only has the power over you that you relinquish to him. When you end it, cut off as many ways as you can for him to contact you and just let it go and more on. Honestly from what you say I don't think there is anything for you to loose from leaving and everything to gain.

 

[wicked woman]

Try stop abusing yourself.

Stop letting people you don't know well have power over you. You're an adult and responsible for your well being and that includes the relationships you enter and how quickly you enter them. Respect yourself. Value yourself

You've gone from one dangerous situation...got some great advice about its red flags...and yet you're both going to see him again (after deciding not to) and shortly after you've attached yourself to another guy who you're letting tell you what to do. Warns you that men are only after sex...well he's a man, so what do you think he's after?

Stop jumping into letting men you know nothing about dominate you. Respect yourself more than you're showing by your actions.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Stormie, I think it'd be a good idea for you to step away from this. This is really starting to sound like ABUSE, not D/s. And, honestly, even if he doesn't want to know about "you", pieces of information like depression and related issues are IMPORTANT for safe-play. If he doesn't want to hear it, he is NOT SAFE. The more you tell us, the more red flags we hear...the internet doesn't usually agree and everyone here has agreed there are WAY too many warning signs going on here!!

Change your passwords, block block block, and walk away.

And I agree with wicked woman. Respect yourself enough to get yourself out of these situations. You're a human being. You deserve to be treated like one!

 

[Miss Diva]

I had my first D/s session last Thursday. It was amazing to say the least. For those who read about a previous Dom being an asshole to me, this is a different guy.

I was very proud of myself. I didn't things I didn't think I was capable of. I loved it! I want more.

I met Him on Fetlife. We talked a lot before meeting. I trust Him completely. It's strange how He can make me do anything. I want to please Him in any way I can.

I am now classified as a "sub in consideration by a Dom".

The one thing I am confused of is no set rules. Is is wrong to want to discuss this? I want something documented. There has been some developments that have made some things He has told me to do (or not to do) contradict themselves.

I have already received 2 demerits for things I did that I should not have. But I have sent Him a message with questions that I have tried to get answers to but haven't. I realize every relationship is different. I just want rules. I am so new to this. He broke my D/s session cherry.

Hopefully, I will know something soon.

I just wanted to share. Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcome.

Hi there, I am wondering if you want meet with him again because you do say you loved it and want more. I remember my first session and loved it also. And I wanted to keep doing it, however once it felt wrong I put a stop to it. I think you need to step back and re-evaluate your sense of self, and get perspective on the situation. You need to stop. My advice is get off Fetlife, stop looking for a DOM for a couple of months. Just chill for a while. But don't leave us. Hugs and best of luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Addicted? Once is enough?

Oh, dear. Someone has been reading those sexy novels. Stop, Miss Diva, before you hurt yourself.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Not sure if I should have posted in this or a new thread.....Hopefully, someone can give me some advice.

We tentatively have plans for a second meeting on February 3rd. It's become so weird..........But for that I'd need to write a "book".

There are a lot of group discussions I would like to get into on Fetlife but I can't because He has access to my profile. Seriously, the way He has changed it. It's not even who I am..........He wants me to explore my Domme side. What Domme side? He also invited another woman to Domme me on the 3rd, he is already inviting others without telling me.......

Stormie,

You need to
Stop all contact with this person
Change your Fetlife password
Stop all contact with this person
Change your Fetlife profile to be who *you* are, not some plastic doll he's playing with
Stop all contact with this person (getting the picture here?)

You have previously been advised to not continue activities with this "Dom" until the two of you have had a serious discussion about your wants, needs and personality. You've ignored that advice. Re-read your threads and the responses you've gotten in them. Those responses contain good advice.

I feel trapped and not in a good way. I do have another Dom I am talking to. Yes, my Dom knows about this. I even have permission to meet him and possibly play. That is with my Dom's approval.

He (my Dom) told me he just wants me to be careful and not get hurt. One of His statements, " remember guys only want pussy. then after they get it they may not see you again".

He's "a guy," and by his own definition, all he wants is pussy (and to control you). This is not BDSM - it's abuse.

I have problems with depression. This is not making it easier. But since He wants to know nothing about me personally......He doesn't know what this is all doing to me.

If he had any concerns about you as a person, he would not have taken the steps he has to de-personalize you. He wants a Barbie doll he can spank (flog, cane, etc., etc.) and fuck. You're giving him exactly what he wants; what is HE giving you? A relationship - BDSM or vanilla or chocolate chip mint - is a sharing, a partnership, an exchange of caring. Which of these is he providing you?

Even though I am on medication, I am still passively suicidal. What that means is I would never do it but sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

You need to see your mental health professional and tell him/her what has been going on with this person and you, and follow his/her advice. We're not qualified to adjust your meds and counsel you properly.

To get out of this with the least amount of repercussion, how should I do it? I want someone to tell me what to do, no pun intended.

Again, thanks for listening to the newbie pest with BDSM questions.

To "get out of this with the least amount of repercussion," tell him, via e-mail or PM, that your relationship with him is OVER, that you wish to have nothing more to do with him, he is to, within 24 hours, give you back control of the password for your Fetlife account, and that should he continue to try to control you and/or your account, you will out him to the entire Fetlife community as a controlling abuser, and will consider reporting him to law enforcement as an identity thief.

Then follow through, and learn more about the BDSM culture and how it's *supposed* to work before you start any more relationships. Part of that will involve getting into one or more groups within a reasonable distance, attending munches, and making friends/establishing friendships with pyls who have healthy BDSM relationships.



ETA: There's a difference - a *vast* difference - between "dominating" an "domineering." What he's done and is doing has nothing to do with dominating in the BDSM sense.