Now What?

[MissTaken]

Oldies?
Newbies?
Inbetweenies?

Let's brainstorm how to move forward in a productive positive fashion!

What do you hope to get from the forum?
What do you hope to bring to the forum?
How can we best do those things as a group?

and
and
and

Open discussion time, people!



If we can do it without rehashing or infighting, that would be really great.

 

[Andreina]

I'm just lurking most of the time... I'm still too new to really contribute to a good discussion

 

[Skally]

I've been trying to stay out of what's been going on, but I feel a strange sort of sadness because of what's happened.

On the ceacefire thread KM suggested thinking about what we want from this forum, and what our expectations of this forum are. Excellent idea...

Right now, I don't know what that is and I'm giving it a good think. All I can say is that I don't want this place to be lost or to go because of what's gone on.

So....

What now?...

 

[MissTaken]

I'm just lurking most of the time... I'm still too new to really contribute to a good discussion

HI there!

Lurk and offer suggestions as you see fit!

 

[MissTaken]

I've been trying to stay out of what's been going on, but I feel a strange sort of sadness because of what's happened.

On the ceacefire thread KM suggested thinking about what we want from this forum, and what our expectations of this forum are. Excellent idea...

Right now, I don't know what that is and I'm giving it a good think. All I can say is that I don't want this place to be lost or to go because of what's gone on.

So....

What now?...

Thank you, Skally. Great post!

KM's post is one of those that prompted this thread. I hope that others will have a read and do some thinking. Then, post where their thoughts lie.

I don't have the answers, but am thinking.
I am also optimistic.

So, let's just see where we can take it from here.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I just posted a thread on this same vein, Miss Taken. And at almost the same time as you did. Great minds do think alike!
Thank you for caring.....

 

[MissTaken]

I just posted a thread on this same vein, Miss Taken. And at almost the same time as you did. Great minds do think alike!
Thank you for caring.....

I knew I liked you from the start!

Great minds.....



Nice post! I just read it and am going to think a bit before responding.

Thanks!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

MissT, you take my breath away. You've done a lot better job of saying what I wanted to say. Dang shoulda talked to you sooner.

I'm all for open discussion in a positive manner. I'm just not sure how ready everyone else is.

I want to see this place thrive, and not have to worry about every word that I type, being taken the wrong way. I'm here for information and fun, in that order.

I'm all ears and ready to work.

dixi

 

[MissTaken]

I'm all for open discussion in a positive manner. I'm just not sure how ready everyone else is.


I'm all ears and ready to work.

dixi

Wonderful observation.

I even thought about saving something like this for tomorrow, however, I trust my friends and co posters to recognize when they are ready to look ahead.

 

[lilminx]

I kind of feel lost in the BDSM forum with Cym gone. She was a huge part of this forum being launched. I really don't know where to go from here, as I have never been heavily involved in this part of the Lit board.

I guess just continue as was. Life goes on.

 

[artful]

Let's brainstorm how to move forward in a productive positive fashion!

What do you hope to get from the forum?
What do you hope to bring to the forum?
How can we best do those things as a group?

Open discussion time, people!

I have the same goals today,(as concerns THIS forum), as the first time I ever read a post in here.

I came to learn MORE about myself, about others who have common interests, and possibly offer some insights, that MIGHT be beneficial to others.

I REALLY try to NOT offend anyone, and expect the same from ALL others. I realise that UNREGISTERED
posts are often inflammatory, and I completely ignore them.

UNREGISTERED, caustic and abusive posts just SIMPLY don't exist in my readings. I will not respond to them in any way.

If people want to stir shit, and keep on stirring it,...just respond in ANY fashion to whatever it is that such a post REFERS to. There is simply NO way they should EVER be referred to, if we wish to keep harmony in our Forum.

There ARE honest inquiries from UNREGISTERED posts
and I am not talking about THOSE.

TROLLS:
Using multiple ID's, sometimes posting as UNREGISTERED, I ignore THEM as best I can.

Sometimes,...at one time or another,...we ALL get tested by someone. They want to KNOW if we are REALLY who we PRESENT ourselves to be in this forum.(Are you REALLY a Dom/me, a Master, a Switch, a sub, a slave?)

These types of situations will ALWAYS occur when we WELCOME newbies.(They HAVE to test the water)
The NEW people are the MOST important,...we NEED them as much as they NEED us.

Ass kissing is REPUGNANT in ANY form,(except physically). No one should NEED or WANT others to side with THEIR opinions. The Freedom of Speech should be prevalent here just as well as ANYWHERE.

Agree to disagree, don't contribute to escalating
a heated discussion into an outright *FLAME*. We don't have to AGREE,...on any particular opinion,
but we SHOULD respect it.

A good example is the little things:
Do you pronounce Domme, as Dom, Domm, or Dom-May?
Nice topic,...interesting information,...but WHY take PERSONAL sides on the issue?

Hey folks,(really that was JUST an example)!

All of the above is (JMHO), but it's mine, and I own it. Peace to all. 'es to the women and ^5's to the men!

 

[Skally]

Ok, so I've been thinking - time to lay my cards on the table.

What I've liked about this forum is the open willingness of people to share and help other likeminded people. I love the welcome I received here and enjoy the thought provoking threads that end up here. I'd like to see that continued - it's something I've enjoyed in the past and would like to continue to enjoy.

I would like to see any major disagreements taken to PM's or e-mail - because this forum has a tendency to get so intense, naturally arguments do too.

Common sense should prevail here.

I'll give this more thought I think for any further points I may add.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I’ve been thinking about this and am ready to add my input.

One of the things I’ve seen is that topics have to stay ridged and anything resembling fun is frowned upon. I agree that the main focus should be BDSM related topics. But I also see a need for release from all serious all the time. I think, a person needs to be able to let their hair down on occasion and have a relaxing good time in a place they feel comfortable. Now how do we keep the happy medium? I honestly don’t know, but telling people not to post certain types of things is censure which none of us want. (Myself included)

I have wondered, and this is just a random wonder as I don’t know the policies of the owners of this site, would it be more productive if the Moderators names were not listed at the top. I mean, would it not save people judging everything they do or say. Like I said I don’t know if this is ever possible, but surely something I wanted to add. I have no beef with any Mod here, feel sorry for the crap they have to go through is all.

These are my opinions, I’m open for any options and discussion.

 

[Parklife]

I've only just begun to read the forums in general and this one in particular... I can say from being a newbie that first and formost people seem to have rather thin skin. I find that odd in such an open atmosphere. I've ready plenty of the posts that were attacked and can't seem to find the basis in them. Maybe it's because I don't know the history of someone and I see that as a good thing.

I'd like to think I can find a place where I can explore who I am through the use of words and ideas since currently the actions aren't in my life. Honestly, right now, i'm a bit hesitant to be here...

What can fix that?? I don't want to stand back from a place I think to be so welcoming.. but it is rather intimidating and many things are said through emotion than through reason, sometimes that's good.. sometimes that's bad... there's certainly place for both on occassion..

Park~

 

[MissTaken]

My turn and it is wordy! Sorry!

I come to lit as a whole, the GB, the personals and the BDSM forum for a variety of reasons.

Primarily, I never come here to face negativity or conflict. I have enough of that in my real life.

As for this forum in particular, I visit here to find serious discussion about BDSM, a chuckle once in a while and to make friends in the lifestyle. Friends, such as cym, who have helped to guide me through some of the darker moments in my growth. Risia, Dr RX, James, WD, artful ...everyone has had a part in making me think about my submission, my sexuality, and who I am as an individual. All of you have added to my personal growth and I long for that to continue.

Since the first time I read the terms, "submissive, hard limits, soft limits, water play, power exchange" with a glazed look on my face, I have grown to the point where I believe I have found within me a peace. The peace I found is knowing and being okay with who I am.

These terms,
these lessons,
were, for the mostpart, found here and it is here that I learned more than any Master's Degree in Fetish Behavior could teach me.

Add to that, when I struck out on my own and failed miserably, I came back and found support among those who knew , who had been in that position and who cared what happened to me.

This is the board I have grown to cherish.

What do we need to do? Well, people have been posting their ideas in many threads.

I will repeat those ideas in an effort to save time and space:

RS, WD and a few others have suggested not reading threads that are going to make your blood boil or be otherwise distasteful. That is generally my practice, but I have fallen down on the job in recent days.

Many people have suggested the need for common courtesy, respect and agreeing to disagree. It has to happen.

Others have discussed the need for real communication. You talk. I listen and hear you. I respond and so forth.

A number of posters have suggested keeping personal attacks in a private forum. Good idea. Adding to that, if you chose not go private with these comments and concerns, we should execute our right to ignore the attacks in an effort to downplay teh strife.

These are the tools to finding the equilibrium that is lacking on the board.

I want peace.
THat is all.

Other than these thoughts, ideas and opinioins, I dont' know what else to say. I am tired and feel there are no words left except to tell you all:

I have faith in us as a group.
Don't let me down.
Don't let each other down.
Keep thinking about moving on, moving forward and doing it in a wise and productive fashion.

 

[artful]

Park

I've only just begun to read the forums in general and this one in particular... I can say from being a newbie that first and formost people seem to have rather thin skin. I find that odd in such an open atmosphere. I've ready plenty of the posts that were attacked and can't seem to find the basis in them. Maybe it's because I don't know the history of someone and I see that as a good thing.

I'd like to think I can find a place where I can explore who I am through the use of words and ideas since currently the actions aren't in my life. Honestly, right now, i'm a bit hesitant to be here...

What can fix that?? I don't want to stand back from a place I think to be so welcoming.. but it is rather intimidating and many things are said through emotion than through reason, sometimes that's good.. sometimes that's bad... there's certainly place for both on occassion..

Park~

Thanks for your input. I hope you don't mind me shortening your ID down to Park,...and please call me Art,...all my friends do.

If you haven't read the *sticky* at the top of our Forum,...just click on the link below. http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=93088

Welcome to the REAL BDSM Forum.

 

[Desdemona]

I've thought about this quite a bit and I agree with several suggestions that have already been made such as take arguments to PMs, ignore trolls, don't post to things you find offensive unless you can do so in a reasonable manner.

I also wonder if we don't need to agree upon some sort of safe word or code as a community; not meant to censor but to just gently say stop, take a deep breath or a few, think about taking this to a PM, etc. We all have a right to free speech, but lets don't bog this place down with the flames.

And yes, I think it is definitely ok to have some fluff and fun here.

Of course this is all JMHO.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Partially copied and cross posted from dixicritter's similar thread:

Here are my thoughts, for what they're worth:

*Fluff isn't, and has never been, particularly constructive or helpful to the Forum in general. While it's not negative, so it has that advantage over the now nearly-continual fighting, it contributes nothing of any substance toward an ongoing conversation or consideration of real BDSM issues. Jokes are fun, and warm-fuzzies are occasionally a helpful salve to burned egos, but in the end they do not keep the Forum on track.

*The easiest way to end a topic is to ignore it.

*No one owns a thread, or a discussion. We can't expect issues to end just because the people who spend the most time here (or the day crowd) are tired of it. People read, and post, at their own speeds. Thus conversations, and even arguments, take a little time to fade away. Everyone deserves their chance to express themselves, whether or not any one poster currently sees a thread as relevant or not.

Here's an example--> I have personally revived some of these recent ugly threads for a specific purpose--several posters (in those threads, not this one) have taken the nicely paradoxical position that while censorship is bad and all Moderators should be responsible for preserving Free Speech (meaning--<insert poster's name here> freedom), they/we should also jump in and head off all disagreements before they become ugly. And we should do so without having any opinions of our own or ruffling any feathers. Oh, and we should do it on the schedule most convenient to whomever is currently making misguided demands. In addition to taking this fabulously convoluted and totally illogical position, several have suggested that Mods need respond. So, I have done so.

I don't engage in flame wars, so I wasn't following along. That's why it took me so long to respond. Others will have other reasons for coming to *whatever* conversation late.

*What it takes to stop this kind of flare-up is for people to resolve their feelings about the forum and the people in it, make peace with the outcome of recent turmoil (some ruffled feathers, bruised egos, and the loss of cymbidia and possibly others), and then start behaving like adults. This might be particularly hard for those prone to seeing fault in all but themselves, which makes it less likely to happen. But, the choice is up to each individual...

Here's my advice-->
If you don't like trolls, don't answer them.
If you find a topic offensive, either enter the debate in a reasonable manner or close the thread.
If you don't like a poster, either don't engage with them or take it to PM.
If you want to leave, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
If you want to stay, have enough self-respect to recognize that your feelings are not inflicted upon you but are created by yourself--take some agency and make some decisions about how you will and will not behave, and how you will and will not allow yourselves to feel about this place and the people in it.

$.02, provided free of charge.

Be well,
RisiaSkye
Very Tired Forum Participant & Moderator

 

[monster666]

I am still feeling ill

over this whole topic. Normally, I am not a bit shy about speaking my mind, but I know full well that doing so will start yet another round of crap. So I won't.

Suffice it to say that I am extremely disappointed by recent events, and hope this is not going to be the norm around here.

 

[SierraMoon]

i agree with Risia, monster, and the others... i will no longer post to anything that i disagree with... just stirs alot of shit, and i personally don't need it...
i'm here to learn and talk about BDSM, and that is ALL i will do, i will no longer debate with someone over whether my pov is correct or not... because that's all it is... my pov... not to be pushed upon anyone else.

hopefully, we can all learn from this, and be more accepting of each other, and move past this... if we can't, i'm afraid we are going to fall apart as a forum...

my 2cents....

i miss cym already.......

 

[KillerMuffin]

Hey, hey, whoa. Back the truck up sweetlings!

We're moving forward in this thread! Not backward.

Let's not talk about what happened and how awful it was or what to do, but how to draw the forum together.

C'mon, let's be constructive!

 

[SpectreT]

I've been away for a couple of days.....

So I have very little clue what specifically happened, but i've seen this type of situation far too much here recently.

That's all I have to say on flame wars and people leaving.

To borrow a song from one of my favorite Clint Eastwood movies:

"Where are we goin'?
I don't know.
When will we get there?
I aint certain.
All that I know is I am on my way.

Got a dream, boy, got a song?
Paint your waggon, and come along......."

This place was once a home for the exchanging of thoughts and ideas, to ask questions both practical and philosophical, and have those questions discussed in a calm, rational manner without the whole thing degenerating into a war.

What do I want from this forum?

Same thing I've always wanted, and used to get from it. A place to ask questions, give opinions or responses to the questions of others, and share a certain sense of community with people who share a common mental and emotional alignment, be it a curiosity, a calling, or an integral part of oneself. I have learned so much about myself here since i started posting here so long ago, and often it was in responding to others' questions that taught me these lessons about myself. So as to what I seek from this place, it's a continued and growing self-understanding and self-acceptance.

What do I intend to bring to this Forum?

Same thing I've always brought to this forum; my eager, slightly ajar, often askew mind, in the form of thoughts, questions, voicing my own meager experience in reply to queries. To continue to be a source of amusement and a starting point for thought and discussion, or perhaps to give it a shove in the right direction where and when necessary.

How can we best achieve these goals?

I have no idea. A cornerstone has been yanked, and despite my occasional flights of fancy, I'm no superhero, I can't hold it up. The building's gonna crumble if we don't fill that gap with something. I'd personally prefer to see that cornerstone put right back where it was, but too many sledgehammers have been put to use knocking it out.

Like monster, i feel a little sick right now.

Looks like you finally beat me to one, man!

Can we please stop being political here? Stop pushing? Christ, the reason I quit posting before is because we had 3 out of 5 threads devoted to what needed fixing in the forum instead of people posting useful, topical things like whether you prefer leather or neoprene to line a metal cuff! (I'm fond of neoprene, if anyone cares...) We got away from our purpose, and we're paying the price. It's too much, in my opinion. I'll save my posts for BDSM-related or phiolosophical matters from now on; i just needed to say that publicly....

G'night everybody...

 

[cellis]

I agree... as sickened as I am by the turns of events in the last 24 hours... and the tremendous sense of loss I feel... we have to move forward...

When I first came here you people helped me make the decision to move from online to real life... you provided a sense of security where I could feel safe as I explored my options. You all provided me information... none more so than cym... you were my support system as I made changes in my life.

I want us to be that same thing for others who are coming here. I don't want anymore fighting... and I will not participate in it.

I want us to be fun again and informative... we can be serious, but laughter heals a lot of wounds... and many people who come here have been in some way wounded.

I want to be able to make jokes, I don't want what I say to be misconstrued or taken the wrong way...

 

[James Blandings]

This has been a good, and no doubt needed discussion on this thread, but Spectre T has identified the bottom line. If we want this forum to live up to it's potential, the best thing to do is to get right back to respectful, on topic discussion.
Everyone here has lost something in the past few days, but the bell can not be unrung. If you wish to honor those who felt they had to leave, or even if you want to show that we are better off without them, the best way to do that is by making this forum something we can all be proud of.

 

[WillowPuss]

Oldies?
Newbies?
Inbetweenies?

Let's brainstorm how to move forward in a productive positive fashion!

What do you hope to get from the forum?
What do you hope to bring to the forum?
How can we best do those things as a group?

and
and
and

Open discussion time, people!



If we can do it without rehashing or infighting, that would be really great.

OK - I have left this a good many hours so that I am in a much calmer frame of mind when trying to put my thoughts down on paper (well, ok - screen).

I also left it a while to check with a moderator that this thread was still open to posts.

What do you hope to get from the forum?

What I hope to get (what, indeed I had been getting) was open and honest answers to my questions from real people with real experience.
Although I hadn't been looking a long time in months-wise for a place like this forum ... I did check out many. Believe me, this is the best there is out there.
I also hoped for the chance of sharing what little experience I had with those even newer than I.

Now ... there is another side to every coin - and this is no exception.
What I didn't expect ......
What I didn't expect from a place as open and frank as this was to have my submissiveness called into question. Maybe I wasn't named - but sometimes, a phrase directed at a specific person (though not named) will hurt more than just that person.
I began floundering about 10 days ago when it seemed that some thought that if a submissive spoke up they were not true submissives.
That would be like me making a sweeping statement calling somebodies manhood into question - it just shouldn't happen.
What I also didn't expect was people making light of anothers anguish.

What do you hope to bring to the forum?

The only things I have to offer is my limited (but getting larger) knowledge and myself.
I hope I come across as I am ... just a 'nice' person. One who tries really hard to see another's point of view even if it goes against everything I personally believe in.
I also hope that my natural good manners show through ... if they don't, then I apologise.
I will also bring perhaps an older person's view ... me being on the downward slope now, so to speak; and a view from this side of the pond - which will often vary for cultural reasons.

Other side ... I will try not to bring anger and discord.
I will not deliberately provoke another when trying to make a point. If I feel they are being a bit 'up themselves' (to borrow an expression from my kids) then I will either keep that to myself or take it off board to PM's.

How can we best do those things as a group?

Maybe we could all learn to repect that our view is not the only view worthy of consideration.
Maybe we could all learn to treat others with the respect they deserve.
And maybe we could stop berating the moderators for every descision they make ... theirs is not an easy job. At best it is a thankless task - at worst, it is soul destroying.


And then maybe ... just maybe - some of those who have left/stopped posting, will feel safe enough to come back.

To do that - everybody must take care not to feed others lines and information to score points off another member.
We all need to feel safe. You cannot possibly do that if information given to one person in a PM is used by another on the board at large.



Personally - I hope that we will all move forward now.
I sincerely hope that cym is able to heal sufficiently to come back and share her experience and vast knowledge with us.
I also hope that those who have migrated to the General Board feel safe enough to come back here too.


Sorry for the long rant.
If you disagree with anything I have said, or wish to take me to task - please do so in a PM - not here. Lets try and keep this positive.


willow