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Now this was really funny

Re: "Not To Be Taken Internally"

AngelicAssassin said:
Folks, how many times have you been in the throes of romantic stickiness and suddenly gotten the unbelievably great idea to stick something unusual up your lover's hoo-ha?

Well, we've all been there. It's certainly understandable. There's the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what'll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids - candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures - so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything's cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover's body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you've been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here's a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom.

Things Not To Insert Into Your Lover's Hoo-Ha

An avocado. They go in easy, sure, but getting them out is a lot more involved. Also pineapples. Oh, and porcupines.

A small, expanding umbrella.

Highway flares.

Lit highway flares.

A rolled-up copy of Action Comics #1. It depreciates the comic too much, and you lose the crispness of the binding.

A G.I. Joe figure, unless you've made absolutely sure his helmet is securely fastened in place, and his kung-fu grip hand is by his side.

Anything that involves liquid nitrogen.

Anything you might need to get back in a hurry, like your car keys, your asthma inhaler, or your DVD remote.

Peloponesian stinging nettles.

Tobasco sauce, unless it's capped really, really well.

D batteries. It seems like a good idea to cut out the middleman and apply them directly, but avoid it at all costs. After a few months the acid starts leaking out.

Jello, because there's no point.

Spools of thread. They always get stuck and you try to get them out and you can only grab the end of the thread and you pull and you pull and you get all this fucking thread but the spool stays in there and you feel like a magician producing scarves and she won't stop laughing at you, the bitch. Then you have to respool the thread.

An electric razor.

A caulking gun, because I can tell you, once it's in there the urge to squeeze that trigger is overpowering.

The collected works of Alexander Isayevich Solzhenitsyn.

Your entire foot, especially if you're wearing any sorts of sports shoe.

Fix-A-Flat.

A garden hose that has one of those spinning watering things on it.

Barbecue utensils.

An old-fashioned bellows, because then we're back to the irresistable temptation thing again.

Loose frozen peas.

Small furry animals. It's so passé.

Model rockets.

One of those Remington power hammers, the ones that use .22 loads to fire nails into concrete, because, well, damn.

Exacto knives.

Exacto blades.

A football.

Fluorescent light bulbs. Use some common sense, people. Wrap them in duct tape first.

Anything that oxidizes vigorously, like phosphorus.

Soft drink cans (it makes the coke all foamy).

Anything your dog is accustomed to fetching.

Evidence.

Nokia 6100-series cellphone. On vibrate.

Anything too slippery to get ahold of again, like a mushy banana dipped in motor oil.

Pocket change.

Anything that the person on the receiving end hasn't gotten a good look at beforehand. You might get away with it if it's something you bought at a nice sex shop, but impolite if you just picked it up at AutoZone.

Your car registration and proof of insurance.

Chain saw blades.

Anything that hooks up to a 220v power source.

Italian food. Not really dangerous per se but, in that situation, aesthetically unpleasing like you wouldn't believe.

Any painting or work of art that costs more than, say, two consecutive paychecks.

Expanding foam insulation.

Fleet week (I had an ex try this)

Anything that's recently been on fire

Anything that is currently on fire

Anything that will be on fire in the immediate future

Fire (just so you'll know, flammable and inflammable mean the same thing...boy did I learn that the hard way!)

A fire extinguisher

The Galveston County Police Department (I had an ex try this too)

Cornflakes and milk (you really have to be talented to use a spoon down there)

Sex toys made from silly putty, sure they feel good, but they just don't hold up.

Thermonuclear devices. (I think this goes back to the temptation issue)

Dave

Rubber dog poo (she will NOT think it is as funny as you do, I promise)

A Radio Shack antenna model number VU-190 XR (a VU-90 XR might be OK)

The television remote (invariably a Britany Spears video comes on right afterwards)

Your Sex Addicts Anonymous book

An alarm clock with an active alarm, because it's really fucking annoying when it goes off and you can't do anything about it and you start throwing yourself down on things trying to hit the snooze button and the other people in the jury won't stop staring at you.

And finally: The computer mouse, cause then you can't surf.
Click to expand...

AA you scare me :eek: alot!!!!

I think I love you but damn I am glad your zillions of miles away.

My only fear is my Master will start reading the boards and find
your strange, bizarre yet oddly erotic mind :p
 
Bin Laden, Sadam Hussein, and Angelic Assassin :devil: all die. They're up in heaven, waiting judgement. But heaven is different than you'd think. It's a giant waiting room, with St. Peter sitting at a desk with a computer.

Bin Laden went up and said "I'm Bin Laden." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. First door on the right." Bin Laden walks down the hall, and goes in the room. Inside is a hungry looking bear. The door closes behind him, and a voice over the loudspeaker says "Bin Laden, you have sinned."

Sadaam Hussein walks up to the desk, and says "My name is Saddam Hussein." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. Second door on the left." Sadaam Hussein walks to his door, and opens it. Inside is a hungry looking lion. The door slams behind him, and a voice over the loudspeaker says "Sadaam Hussein, you have sinned."

Angelic Assassin goes up to St. Peter and says. "My name is Angelic Assassin." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. Third door on the right." Angelic Assassin walks to the door and opens it. No one's there, so he walks in. The door shuts behind him, and then a door on the other side opens, and Brittany Spears walks in. Angelic Assassin is thinking, well it could be worse, when a voice over the loudspeakers comes on saying "Brittany Spears, you have sinned."

*forgive any mispelled names, please.*
 
graceanne said:
Bin Laden, Sadam Hussein, and Angelic Assassin :devil: all die. They're up in heaven, waiting judgement. But heaven is different than you'd think. It's a giant waiting room, with St. Peter sitting at a desk with a computer.

Bin Laden went up and said "I'm Bin Laden." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. First door on the right." Bin Laden walks down the hall, and goes in the room. Inside is a hungry looking bear. The door closes behind him, and a voice over the loudspeaker says "Bin Laden, you have sinned."

Sadaam Hussein walks up to the desk, and says "My name is Saddam Hussein." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. Second door on the left." Sadaam Hussein walks to his door, and opens it. Inside is a hungry looking lion. The door slams behind him, and a voice over the loudspeaker says "Sadaam Hussein, you have sinned."

Angelic Assassin goes up to St. Peter and says. "My name is Angelic Assassin." St. Peter typed his name into the keyboard, and said "Ah, here you are. Third door on the right." Angelic Assassin walks to the door and opens it. No one's there, so he walks in. The door shuts behind him, and then a door on the other side opens, and Brittany Spears walks in. Angelic Assassin is thinking, well it could be worse, when a voice over the loudspeakers comes on saying "Brittany Spears, you have sinned."

*forgive any mispelled names, please.*
Click to expand...


Wonderful!! I always wanted to see her get what she deserves. I'm sure she won't be singing "Hit me baby one more time" after the beating that's in store for her. ;)
 
AngelicAssassin said:
i can think of numerous things other than beating. Torture comes in many different flavors.
Click to expand...

So very true.....and so much fun....*wicked grin* We all know how creative you are. :D

*does her best not to think about the ensuing pain of Brittany Spears* That's just too entertaining.
 
LOL I'm so glad you all liked it! I thought you might. Especially with adding AA in it.
 
May I request that a few others be directed to AA's room? Such as Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Courtney Love, Wayne Newton, and any Elvis impersonator? There are others, but I don't want to be long-winded.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
May I request that a few others be directed to AA's room? Such as Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Courtney Love, Wayne Newton, and any Elvis impersonator? There are others, but I don't want to be long-winded.
Click to expand...

Wow, sounds like AA's been very good.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
May I request that a few others be directed to AA's room? Such as Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Courtney Love, Wayne Newton, and any Elvis impersonator? There are others, but I don't want to be long-winded.
Click to expand...
I know I shouldn't...I really know I shouldn't but... Since when? *bats lashes and covers bottom*
 
Kajira Callista said:
I know I shouldn't...I really know I shouldn't but... Since when? *bats lashes and covers bottom*
Click to expand...

You're gonna get it! *points finger*
 
Kajira Callista said:
I know I shouldn't...I really know I shouldn't but... Since when? *bats lashes and covers bottom*
Click to expand...

Not really... not as punishment, anyway.

Caution: Attachment below is rather graphic and may offend or frighten some people. View at your own risk. You have been warned.
 
Last edited:
AngelicAssassin said:
i can think of numerous things other than beating. Torture comes in many different flavors.
Click to expand...

*sigh and Grin* Doesn't it though?? And most of them can be quite...............Tasty.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
Not really... not as punishment, anyway.
Click to expand...


yah.... you need to put more of a graphic warning label... so the uhm... tender-hearted or weaker masochists don't walk into that blindly... it's like taking a sip of coke only to find it's ice tea and the bitterness
 
SkylineBlue said:
yah.... you need to put more of a graphic warning label... so the uhm... tender-hearted or weaker masochists don't walk into that blindly... it's like taking a sip of coke only to find it's ice tea and the bitterness
Click to expand...
I'm sorry. There was no intent to ambush anyone. I just kind of assumed (yeah, I know... <sigh>) that most people here know what I'm into...

Warning edited into the post for future readers. Again, I apologize to anyone who was offended, frightened or shocked.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
I'm sorry. There was no intent to ambush anyone. I just kind of assumed (yeah, I know... <sigh>) that most people here know what I'm into...

Warning edited into the post for future readers. Again, I apologize to anyone who was offended, frightened or shocked.
Click to expand...

*sighs and shakes head* Sir W, have you been scaring the subbies again? *shakes finger*
 
It's a Dog's World...

The following mixed breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easily for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow or "Spew," a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekapso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
 
For the Faerie Lovers

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful faerie appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." said the wife.

The faerie waved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so - I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the faerie were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the faerie made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: "Faeries are female."
 
Re: For the Faerie Lovers

Sir_Winston54 said:
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful faerie appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." said the wife.

The faerie waved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so - I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the faerie were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the faerie made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: "Faeries are female."
Click to expand...

ROFLMAO
 
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