LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Now this was really funny

While "flying" down the road at 10 miles over the posted speed limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then, with
my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly, but surely, stretch until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
 
Appropriate for the season:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was complete silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
He Said, She Said

He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
 
okay here's a really bad one..

A vulture steps on to the jetbridge to board his flight. He's got a rabbit under each arm. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."
 
blue kat said:
okay here's a really bad one..

A vulture steps on to the jetbridge to board his flight. He's got a rabbit under each arm. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."
Click to expand...

I think I snorted a little.
 
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says,"We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing but sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle. This goes on every week for thirteen years. Finally, the guard retires, and a couple of weeks later, meets Juan in a cantina. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. I’m retired now, and I don’t care anymore, and I won’t tell anyone, but … Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan takes a couple of sips of his beer, smiles slowly, and says, "Bicycles."
 
The Domly Gentlemen that I ran into yesterday was wearing a black t-shirt that said "Duct Tape Specialist."
 
blue kat said:
okay here's a really bad one..

A vulture steps on to the jetbridge to board his flight. He's got a rabbit under each arm. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."
Click to expand...
Sadly my english is to bad to see the joke in this... :(
 
Little Bird said:
Sadly my english is to bad to see the joke in this... :(
Click to expand...


"carrion is a dead animal but the word is pronounced like "carry-on" which is what Americans call baggage that you carry onto the plane"

the joke is a play on words
 
snowy ciara said:
The Domly Gentlemen that I ran into yesterday was wearing a black t-shirt that said "Duct Tape Specialist."
Click to expand...
I have a favorite black t-shirt that I love to wear in 'nilla settings, like trips to Wally World. On the front in 2.5" letters is the word "VANILLA," underneath which is written in .5" letters "is for ice cream."
 
Gobble it up

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL -
PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY
OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!!
 
*Laughin' my a$$ off at RJ's poem*

= + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = +

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
 
A wife was frying eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my G~D!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my G~D!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them!
Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
A wife was frying eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my G~D!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my G~D!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them!
Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
Click to expand...

HA!...loved this...great laugh.
 
Hi AA:

:eek:

As a Canadian that map scares me more than my Dom when I have done something to displease him. But I did get a good chuckle. As we say up north...un gros merci (a big thanks).
 
http://www.dumblaws.com

This is a funny site if you have time. It states all the weird laws in your state, and/or city. Things like in NY you can't walk you lion without a leash in the park. Laws like that.
 
graceanne said:
http://www.dumblaws.com

This is a funny site if you have time. It states all the weird laws in your state, and/or city. Things like in NY you can't walk you lion without a leash in the park. Laws like that.
Click to expand...


Might be a bum link... It didn't work for me....:confused:
 
graceanne said:
You know I think I'm doing these link things wrong. Copy and paste, cause I know it's right.

www.dumblaws.com
Click to expand...


You have it right now...open for me. Now I have to go check it out...

Thanks for the link!!;)
 
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