Not your typical incest story. Would love some feedback.

[LustyWolf]

I've just published a new incest story. It's not your typical incest story, but I've been working on plot and character development. I'd really love some feedback.


http://www.literotica.com/s/an-adirondack-summer

Thanks,
LustyWolf

 

[8letters]

* Your start is scattered. You start with she is late to her first day at work. Why is that important? Then you shift the focus to some guy at the bar. Then you go into long back story on the Mom. Then we are back to the guy at the bar. I would suggest starting by focusing on Jack with just a hint about the Mom. Have the back story come out later as it is needed
* Don't use accents. "He's been com-in here all week. Why don't you go ask him if he's do-in alright down there. This keg just kicked, I gotta get another from the cellar." I have to parse that into something meaningful, which slows me down. It raises the point of why doesn't Amy and Lisa talk like that
* Jack's back story as it is presented is boring and slows down the story. You could present it as dialogue between him and Dawn later in the story as they start to get serious and it would work a lot better
* You talk about how gorgeous Amy is and then have Amy say Dawn is hotter than she is. A 45-year-old woman isn't going to be hotter than her hot 21-year-old daughter. Having that in the story is jarring
* "Dawn was perpetually in mourning and perpetually horny". To me, being in mourning is mutually exclusive with being perpetually horny. If she really was perpetually horny, she would find some guy to scratch that itch. Describing someone as "perpetually horny" works better for describing the someone who is sexually very active
* If I read more, I will post more

 

[sr71plt]

I haven't read the story, but was struck by something that 8letters noted--the dialect spelling. I have no problem with using a smattering of dialect in a story to differentiate a character, but I'll note that I've never seen "com-in" or "do-in" used before. What I've seen is "comin'" and "doin'" (it's the "g" that's dropped, and there's where the change is noted, with an apostrophe--comin' and doin' and goin'). "Gonna" is used a lot in this dialect form too.

 

[8letters]

Thinking more on this, IMHO a good incest story has two people attracted to each other but they now it is wrong. There is a sexual tension built up and eventually it gets released in the final sex scene and they both resolve to live happily ever after.

With your story, the incest part of it is presented early on with almost tension or release. The sexual tension (I am assuming as I didn't finish the story) is in the relationship between Jack and Dawn. Plain vanilla romance isn't going to have much appeal in the incest category. I skipped to the end and the ending is a shocking reveal. However, it wouldn't be shocking to an incest reader. It falls flat for me.

 

[sr71plt]

Oh, I don't think a good incest story would be restricted to both parties (or all parties--there are more involved in it most of the time than just the two) knowing the incest was wrong. I think a good story could be done on all sorts of permutations on that issue. For instance, I think you can get story tension with neither of the two having sex knowing/believing it is wrong, but others around them knowing/believing that.

 

[lovecraft68]

I think an incest story can start right off with the pairing already going on and with no immediate tension. But that only works(at least for me) if the author is going to "work backwards" and take me back where it started.

The tension does not have to be right off the bat, but I do like to see a little conflict or know what made them become lovers. "Just because" negates the taboo aspect.

 

[8letters]

I probably should have phrased that differently. I recently read a story where it starts with James having sex on weekends with his sister, mom and dad. The dramatic tension in the story comes from the fact that James is falling in love with his friend Lilly, doesn't want to give up the sex weekends with his family and Lilly is getting suspicious about why he is leaving her out of his weekend trips home. Eventually, the sister pulls Lilly into the family sex group and they all live happily ever after.

So what I should have said is that the dramatic tension in an incest story should come from the taboo nature of incest.