Not worry about looking like an ass?

[crowfoot]

I had always been to polite. To much of a gentleman. Always waiting for permission, waiting for the green light. Well I've learned something. Probably something very basic (no one ever said I was smart) but something that was really important for me and maybe guys like me. Simply put I found out what the limits were. Rather than waiting for a green light on everything I did. During an argument about boring sex I finally asked the simple question that gave me the answer that has changed everything. I asked "OK so what won't you do?". I know pretty basic right? But rather than always be worried about looking like a jerk by trying something she wouldn't like I had the answer! I got "Don't shit in my mouth, don't piss on me, and I don't think that I want another person involved, but that isn't completely off the table. Otherwise everything else is pretty much ok".

OK so how freeing is that! Simple question and the possibilities are endless! The confidence is thru the roof and boy have things gotten better. Nothing earth shattering for many on here but what a difference for me.

I just wanted to share this so that maybe it would help someone out. Ask! The question!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Goes right back to what we always tell everyone, communication is the key. If you can't communicate with each other, then how are you supposed to know anything, sexual or otherwise?

Your only somewhat novel approach was to come straight to the point. Now, while she did give you a fairly open ended answer, don't assume that you can just have your way with her at any time, for instance, if you've never done anal with her, I strongly urge you to continue your conversations and research into what works, doesn't work, and how to make the experience mutually fulfilling.

You've opened the line of communication, now you have to keep it open. Good luck.

 

[crowfoot]

You are so right! Communication is the key and I will take your advice. What I've found is that she is pretty much open to anything so long as I'm confident and make her feel that she is safe with me. She like a lot of women really enjoys letting go and not being responsible for what happens. Knowing the limits has given me the confidence to help her do just that. Boy this is fun!

 

[Lord Pmann]

Communication indeed. I'm certainly always worried about looking like an arse too. That's why I am so timid and reserved. I have needs, but sometimes it's tough to express what I want her to do, ya know?

Good post!

 

[amofiga]

It must be remembered that everybody's boundaries are different. What one person thinks is "hot sex", another thinks is "a bit kinky", and yet another calls it "downright perverted". I once sort of eavesdropped on two women sitting at a bar and talking about dealing with dating and men. One said, "I'll be damed if I ever let a man put that thing he pisses with in my mouth. He'd have to knock me unconscious first." On the other hand, I've had relationships with women who flat out asked if they could suck my cock. If you are an adult wanting to enter an adult sexual relationship, you should talk about it openly first. Not only does it clear the air about the boundaries, it clears the air about STD's and birth control methods and everything else. The stereotypical "movie" encounter of two people so caught up in passion that they are banging into walls ripping their clothes off is probably more fantasy than fact.

I've learned that it's best to talk before entering what I call the sexual minefield to in order to learn where the mines are buried. Once that's out of the way, you don't need to ask again. If the other person is afraid or embarrassed to talk or tells you that you're boundaries are out of line, best that the relationship end on a friendly basis and neither party wastes their time.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I had always been to polite. To much of a gentleman.

I've seen so many Nice Guy posts that start this way. I wish more of them ended like this one does

 

[ThoMac_13]

I had always been to polite. To much of a gentleman. Always waiting for permission, waiting for the green light.

It's not just a question of "communication". Sometimes when people put it that way, I feel like we're in a stuffy office signing a small-font contract in triplicate before having sex. What a turn off.

My experience as a guy has always been that men take the lead on these issues (certainly not always, and we're happy to take a back seat now and again, but more often than not). In my relationships, I've always tried something in the bedroom or pushed the boundaries a bit and seen the response (this is one on one, if we're involving more people, or if you get the sense that the person you are with is not very open to new things, then you might need more up front communication).

Sometimes the response has been amazing and overwhelming--a girlfriend of mine discovered she loved sex in the shower and mutual masterbation from me pushing her beyond the missionary comfort zone. I had another girlfriend who, though I would try to go down on her, would always say "no" (I think she was ashamed of her pussy, even though I told her repeatedly it was beautiful).

In any event, my advice would be: yes, of course, know your partner and communicate. But when you communicate, don't be so subservient that your always asking for permission--there are other forms of communication than the verbal, and what someone is willing to say isn't always what they are willing (or wanting) to do. So take that into account.

 

[crowfoot]

I have always placed a very high price on my relationships and took the sex as icing on the cake. Taking what I felt would be tolerated and never being confident enough to push it. Big mistake! Lessened learned and thankfully before I'm to old not to reap the rewards. It's a huge difference and the confidence she now sees in me is attractive to her.

For instance: I bought some hand cuffs and took them with use to a nice B & B. I cuffed her to the shower faucet and and had my way with her. I never even thought she would ever tolerate this but she really enjoyed it! She was probably thinking "It's about fucking time!" She is a great woman and I love that she has been so patient and understanding. I'm lucky and it's just gonna get better!

 

[Miles Long]

Communication? I thought if you really loved a woman you're supposed to be able to read her mind.

 

[crowfoot]

Reading minds always helps, just like knowing the answers before the test! That's what this is like. It's a road map to an adventure! We have gone from having sex like once a month to like 2-3 times a week! Pretty good for married with children! Smiling from ear to ear!

 

[amofiga]

It's not just a question of "communication". Sometimes when people put it that way, I feel like we're in a stuffy office signing a small-font contract in triplicate before having sex. What a turn off.

My experience as a guy has always been that men take the lead on these issues (certainly not always, and we're happy to take a back seat now and again, but more often than not). In my relationships, I've always tried something in the bedroom or pushed the boundaries a bit and seen the response (this is one on one, if we're involving more people, or if you get the sense that the person you are with is not very open to new things, then you might need more up front communication).

Sometimes the response has been amazing and overwhelming--a girlfriend of mine discovered she loved sex in the shower and mutual masterbation from me pushing her beyond the missionary comfort zone. I had another girlfriend who, though I would try to go down on her, would always say "no" (I think she was ashamed of her pussy, even though I told her repeatedly it was beautiful).

In any event, my advice would be: yes, of course, know your partner and communicate. But when you communicate, don't be so subservient that your always asking for permission--there are other forms of communication than the verbal, and what someone is willing to say isn't always what they are willing (or wanting) to do. So take that into account.

The intent of communication is certainly not to be subservient but to make sure there aren't hard feelings or arguments or insults resulting from "pushing the boundary". I've learned the hard way in a few relationships that if you try things without knowing (or having a strong hint) that there is a good chance they will be acceptable and welcomed, you may end up with an angry woman on your hands. What some find interesting, erotic, interesting or a little "kinky", others may find to be unacceptable.

I remember a movie scene once where a guy pulls out and cums on his partners face, she slaps him, calls him a pig and storms out. I always figure that if you go in without out a map, you may fall off a cliff. Maybe it's for the best and the relationship wasn't going to work anyway, but at least if you end it on a pleasant note, and she won't be telling her girlfriends that you're a perverted pig. I had one partner who used to love my finger in her ass when we fucked. I tried it with another without asking (or telling) first and it was not a good response to say the least.

 

[crowfoot]

I know there are a lot of guys like me that have big ideas but are unwilling to act on them out of fear that the most important person in their life might think badly of them. They would rather risk never fulfilling their desires (or find an anonymous partner where they have nothing to lose) than get that "you're fucked up" look from the woman who means everything to them. That look is crushing to many of us. Ask the question! Find the limits, and let the games begin!

 

[TJcurious]

I've found that either asking "do you want me to __(fill in the blank)____" whispered in an ear usually gets an "oh yes", or "not now". Also I have let my head, or finger, move toward a target, and met with a push toward, or away. It's usually easy to read the signals. Now if you're going for BDSM, or other serious stuff, it's better to discuss things before hand, to make sure you're with a willing partner.

 

[crowfoot]

I am going for some light bondage next weekend. I have a sitter and the ropes are ready! Thing is with my wife is that she doesn't even want to tall about it. It's like if it's talked about it's planned, and if it's planned it's not as good. This is part of the reason it has taken so long to get here. I know the rules of the road now and I'm confident. All things that she is into. I can't wait to find out what else she's into!

 

[pfflyerhot]

Communication? I thought if you really loved a woman you're supposed to be able to read her mind.

No on can read minds. No one is a fortune teller. I only think I know what you think, feel or believe ... until you actually tell me. Lovers ought to be able to talk about ANYthing and everything—without judgement. Agree to disagree. Explore, but for shits sake, communicate. Talk about it. Ask questions, clarify... and, listen, don't take things as a personal affront. It's not like you're actually doing what you're talking about... yet, anyway. Think in terms of mind expansion. Be kind. Be honest. Say it, whatever it is, if it means a lot to you. I could go on and on and on, here, but I shall stop with this addition: You will only look like an ass if you behave like an ass, and I have a feeling, in the OPs case, he didn't ever look like an ass, he probably just felt like one... in the past, that is. Speaking of asses, avoid assumptions, too.

 

[crowfoot]

You're right just felt like one. But I have to say that it is really about respect. While I agree that people should be able to talk about anything the fact is that sometimes for whatever reason it may be uncomfortable. I have to respect that. Sure it makes my job more difficult but that is the reality of the situation. I love my wife like crazy and will play by whatever set of rules takes me to where I want to go with our relationship. It could be a lot worse and knowing that I'm on the right path is so fulfilling.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Mutual respect is what I strive for when in a relationship. It's honorable that you respect your wife's feelings, and... it's very sweet how you're taking the time... And, hey. It's kinda working, huh? You asked & she answered—direct and to the point, if ya ask me. And she's open to stuff. Hey. Her answer sounds like what mine would be. At least now, you know how to go about asking...
I think, tho, if you're going to have rules to play by in your relationship, the two of you, each of you, ought to have a hand at creating those rules... my thinking anyhow.
Oh... And, it's possible that that "you're fucked-up" look you speak of... unless the person giving you that look is also saying, "You're fucked up" at the same time, then, really... you only think you're getting that "you're fucked up" look... it could mean something else entirely to the person whose face it graces. I, myself, have reacted to... uh... suggestions... with looks of shock, or agast, if you will... initially... followed shortly by looks of curiosity, wonder and, sometimes, delightful anticipation. I react to the idea, not the person suggesting it... Perhaps I need a few days to ponder. Particularly if the idea is completely unappealing... I can love the person and not like his idea. Just like I can get mad at my lover and still love them... I can disagree with you and still like you... I could go on and on and... I must force quit this post now.
Very freeing, indeed. I can sense your excitement by the tone of your posts here... Awesome, dude, awesome. Your wife, too. Awesome.

 

[gagginforit]

I'm happy for you.

Can I ask you at what point in the relationship you were when you asked this? I imagine you must have been beyond the initial first kiss, and at the point where things were getting more intimate. What happened with that initial contact? The first kiss? First touch? How did that come about?

 

[crowfoot]

I think that as we go that these rules will develop themselves. I'm sure the there will still be times of trepidation and that we will make mistakes with each other but that's part of the allure isn't it. I don't want to know how everything is going to work out. I want there to be that nervous excitement about not knowing how it's gonna turn out. That's where the growth that you speak of is going to come from. What's truly exciting is the loss of stagnation. The leaving of the dreaded place that so many relationships go when the mundane things of life get in the way. I wish there was more effort on her part but I'm confident that once this gets moving it will increase. She use to be more aggressive early in the relationship and I'm hopeful that it will return. Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[crowfoot]

I'm happy for you.

Can I ask you at what point in the relationship you were when you asked this? I imagine you must have been beyond the initial first kiss, and at the point where things were getting more intimate. What happened with that initial contact? The first kiss? First touch? How did that come about?

We have been married for almost 10 years. When I asked this things had been pretty ho hum and we had argued about the quality of or sex life. When we first started, like al new lovers it just flowed and there was no need to even ask. It was all good. But then it got.... I guess uninspiring. Life sets in, kids, work and before you know it the time that you should have been talking about it was gone. We each sort of settled into our ideas about how it should be. I hope by asking this simple question that I can continue to make this grow into a rich and fulfilling sex life. Fingers crossed.

 

[crazy4cock]

I have been married for 29yrs and am still learning new things thanks to this site. the other day someone posted blowjobs vs handjobs so i asked hubby which he liked best. While he loves my BJs he likes handjobs so we can kiss. i never knew that so talking is always key.
our sex life has improved lots due to talking about our likes and dislikes, i agree it is very freeing. Good luck

 

[crowfoot]

I am going for some light bondage next weekend. I have a sitter and the ropes are ready! Thing is with my wife is that she doesn't even want to tall about it. It's like if it's talked about it's planned, and if it's planned it's not as good. This is part of the reason it has taken so long to get here. I know the rules of the road now and I'm confident. All things that she is into. I can't wait to find out what else she's into!

Ok so the ropes never made it out of the drawer but the hand cuffs, blindfold, scarf and Eroscillator did! Another lesson learned, be adaptable! I had planned for something different but instead of getting discouraged I went with it and it worked out great! I have this tendency to think ahead when I now there is going to be an opportunity for sex. I think about doing this and that and more times than not (much to my chagrin) it never turns out like I thought it would. It's a hard thing to stop doing as I love the anticipation and living in that moment. The difference is that with my new found confidence it doesn't need to go the way it thought. It makes for a much more exciting experience and one that is more free for both of us.

I know this is pretty basic stuff for a lot of folks on here but by working on these simple things has added the spark that I think we were both looking for.

 

[Miles Long]

No on can read minds. No one is a fortune teller. I only think I know what you think, feel or believe ... until you actually tell me. Lovers ought to be able to talk about ANYthing and everything—without judgement. Agree to disagree. Explore, but for shits sake, communicate. Talk about it. Ask questions, clarify... and, listen, don't take things as a personal affront. It's not like you're actually doing what you're talking about... yet, anyway. Think in terms of mind expansion. Be kind. Be honest. Say it, whatever it is, if it means a lot to you. I could go on and on and on, here, but I shall stop with this addition: You will only look like an ass if you behave like an ass, and I have a feeling, in the OPs case, he didn't ever look like an ass, he probably just felt like one... in the past, that is. Speaking of asses, avoid assumptions, too.

I knew you were going to say all that. I read your mind. But then I assume you already knew that.

 

[pfflyerhot]

I knew you were going to say all that. I read your mind. But then I assume you already knew that.

I did not know that... because... I'm not a mind-reader, silly. Obviously, I won't assume your assumptions are correct... I can alway guess, I guess...