not so much

[VitoCoreleone]

I'm not a poet. But this hit me today and I wanted to share it to get feedback. Honest feedback. There is meaning behind it actually... so anyway...

Yesterday is done, it ended without fret.
Yesterday was perfect; I woke up to my life in peace.
Yesterday was a bet.
Yesterday is over…
Tomorrow could never come, even for God’s soldier.
Tomorrow will be great; and if I’m late, we’ll accept it, it’s my fate.
Tomorrow is unknown.
Tomorrow is alone…
Today is mine, it’s for me to own.
Today is the day for something wonderful.
Today I’m loved just as much as before.
Today I learned something new.
Today I woke up.
Today I spoke up and I told you.
Today could be my last. I’ll give you last breath I feel I owe you.
Today I’m blessed to know you.

 

[Angeline]

I'm not a poet. But this hit me today and I wanted to share it to get feedback. Honest feedback. There is meaning behind it actually... so anyway...

Yesterday is done, it ended without fret.
Yesterday was perfect; I woke up to my life in peace.
Yesterday was a bet.
Yesterday is over…
Tomorrow could never come, even for God’s soldier.
Tomorrow will be great; and if I’m late, we’ll accept it, it’s my fate.
Tomorrow is unknown.
Tomorrow is alone…
Today is mine, it’s for me to own.
Today is the day for something wonderful.
Today I’m loved just as much as before.
Today I learned something new.
Today I woke up.
Today I spoke up and I told you.
Today could be my last. I’ll give you last breath I feel I owe you.
Today I’m blessed to know you.

Hi and welcome to the poetry forum.

Before I give you any feedback, I wonder who this is for? Did you write it for someone? Would you be willing to give it to them and what kind of reaction would you expect to get? For someone who doesn't usually write poetry, I think what you think of it and whether you'd be willing to give it to the "you" in the poem is a better assessor of its value than some "poet" from here (or anywhere really). If you're satisfied, the poem is a success.

However if you want it to be more poetic (from my perspective), I think you need to get away from the generalities and deal in specifics. There's obviously a lot of subtext to what you've written. For example, why did the day end without fret? Why was yesterday perfect? What do you mean by "God's soldier"? What is the new thing you learned? And more. All the answers to those questions, the specific answers including sights and sounds and smells and tastes, will make a poem that a reader can really respond to. What you have now is bland and it seems to hold back more than it shows. I don't mean to suggest it's a dishonest piece of writing, that's not my point, but a poem is better when it confronts its issues honestly and specifically. Otherwise the reader can't really engage with it.

I hope you find this helpful and if you decide to keep working on poetry, you'll find a lot of support here. All you need to do is ask.

 

[annaswirls]

Hi Vito and welcome!

We have a feedback thread here for an exchange of thoughts, ideas and suggestions about each others poetry.

Feel free to stop by, visit or participate. All are welcome.