Not really a poet

[Foxee Browne]

I am not really a poet, and I really do know it.

But I did write 2 of them. The first was ok, but my second came out this morning. It is called My Lover. Feedback anyone?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I am not really a poet, and I really do know it.

But I did write 2 of them. The first was ok, but my second came out this morning. It is called My Lover. Feedback anyone?

RVC'd it....

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

If you could give us a link it would help us - and you to get fb.

 

[Foxee Browne]

whoops early mornings. Brain was not awake yet. Anyway the link to it is here

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear The word "heavy" in the context of breathing in this scenario sounds out of place, try "hot"?

I feel you behind me
Your body hot and sweaty against mine The same with "sweaty" , not very poetic, try something like - "our sweat mingles.

I want you there
I need your touch
I love you

As the reader I'd like to know why you want, need etc. This is a nice little poem but tells very little.....he/she's behind you breathing heavily, he/she is hot and perspiring. That's about it, you could tell the story plus make us feel more.

 

[Tzara]

Well, I'm not much of a poet either, so take these comments as simply my own opinion. Plus, I'm going to blather on a bit. What can I say? I'm a blatherer.

I basically agree with Tess that the poem says very little, although the problem is not so much what it says as how it says it. The problem with poetry is to say something in a way that vividly creates the experience for the reader. Your poem is basically telling a reader how you feel.

Think of it this way: if this was someone else's poem and you read it, would you have much sense of what writer really felt? You would know they were in love, and were aroused by the closeness of their lover behind them, but not in a way other than that being informational. The language in the poem is very basic and bland. "[H]eavy" and "sweaty" are the only words with much of any descriptive power, and they are pretty generic. The feelings you experienced that lead to your writing the poem were, I'm guessing, pretty powerful. But they way you've written about them you don't get me to feel them.

Now I'm male and you're not, which could be part of it, but that isn't necessarily important. Here's part of a poem by a female poet, Kim Addonizio, who (for me, anyway) writes poems so erotic they make the hairs rise on my neck (among other things ):

You don't know what love is
but you know how to raise it in me
like a dead girl winched up from a river. How to
wash off the sludge, the stench of our past.
How to start clean. This love even sits up
and blinks; amazed, she takes a few shaky steps.
Any day now she'll try to eat solid food.​

Here she uses an unusual image to make the emotion she feels vivid to me, the reader.

So how do you do something like that in your poem? Uh, I guess that's the hard part, and I am not so good as to be of much help there. I might try something like this to start the poem:

Your breath leans into my back,
and the weight pushes me onto the bed.​

I know. Bad. But hopefully it's at least vivdly bad.

 

[Angeline]

Like Tzara and Tess said, paint a picture with your words. Poetry is (or should be, imo) more narrative than informative.

My Lover
by geekychick_76©


I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear
("heavy" is too abstract to me; I'd like "whispering" or even "warm," but either way, I want to know more. Is he or she saying anything? What? )

I feel you behind me
Your body hot and sweaty against mine
(How does this make you feel? Do you shiver? Are you warm in response? What are you looking at while this is happening? What is the other person looking at? You?)

I want you there
I need your touch
I love you
(I like "I want you there" and "I love you" is a great ending. Who can nitpick that, but why do you need his or her touch? What is happening in your life that makes you need it? What is happening right when you're needing his or her touch? The more imagery you can give me, the more I can see in your words)

Keep reading and writing poetry. Write every day. Write here--there are so many opportunities here and you'll have the fellowship (although that makes it sound like a prayer group here, lol, but maybe it is) of others to support you and give you feedback all the time.

 

[Tzara]

I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear
("heavy" is too abstract to me; I'd like "whispering" or even "warm," but either way, I want to know more. Is he or she saying anything? What? )

Now see, here is where we get confusing. For me, "heavy" is the best word in the poem. Guy thing, maybe. Abstract, but how love or its less couth cousin, lust, feels to me. That's one word I can relate to, although I do agree it's too abstract.

"Whispering" and "warm" sound girlie to me.

Could be 'cuz Angie is girlie and I am boy. But it points out that we all think differently about these things, so treat any comments or advice as suggestions, not commandments. Ultimately, they are your words and you should put 'em down the way you think they work.

I want you there
I need your touch
I love you
(I like "I want you there" and "I love you" is a great ending. Who can nitpick that...?

Ha ha! Well, me, for example. Other than in things written primarily for the lovee, in which case it is not only acceptable but almost a requirement, I find "I love you" in a poem to be telling, not showing. The only way it works is if it's set up to be an almost disingenuous closing.

I think. But that's just me.

Again, GC, the point is to listen to the feedback, think about what makes sense for you, and act accordingly. All we is offerin' is our opinions and prejudices and likes and dislikes and experience and lack thereof.

Ms. A. knows more than I do, so you might want to pay more attention to her than me, but on the other hand, I am more obnoxious about my opinion.

That should count for something.

 

[Angeline]

Now see, here is where we get confusing. For me, "heavy" is the best word in the poem. Guy thing, maybe. Abstract, but how love or its less couth cousin, lust, feels to me. That's one word I can relate to, although I do agree it's too abstract.

"Whispering" and "warm" sound girlie to me.

Could be 'cuz Angie is girlie and I am boy. But it points out that we all think differently about these things, so treat any comments or advice as suggestions, not commandments. Ultimately, they are your words and you should put 'em down the way you think they work.
Ha ha! Well, me, for example. Other than in things written primarily for the lovee, in which case it is not only acceptable but almost a requirement, I find "I love you" in a poem to be telling, not showing. The only way it works is if it's set up to be an almost disingenuous closing.

I think. But that's just me.

Again, GC, the point is to listen to the feedback, think about what makes sense for you, and act accordingly. All we is offerin' is our opinions and prejudices and likes and dislikes and experience and lack thereof.

Ms. A. knows more than I do, so you might want to pay more attention to her than me, but on the other hand, I am more obnoxious about my opinion.

That should count for something.

Lol! I just know my own opinion, which may or may not be yours. I think heavy is a guy thing, but the idea of a guy whispering behind me is very sexy--er to me. Viva la difference, eh?

 

[Tzara]

I think heavy is a guy thing, but the idea of a guy whispering behind me is very sexy--er to me.

One hopes yer beau is listenin'. That looks like hint to me.

Viva la difference, eh?

Oui. La différence est le moteur du monde.

 

[Tzara]

Well, I just re-read Tessie's comments, and lookie here:

I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear The word "heavy" in the context of breathing in this scenario sounds out of place, try "hot"?

which looks suspiciously like

I think heavy is a guy thing...

I guess us guys (or perhaps more accurately, me guy) look at love as Metallica when ces belles femmes que j'admire see it as, what? Salsa? Donna Summer disco?

Hot jazz, perhaps, in Angie's case.

Sigh. Why places like this are in business, I guess.

Aesthetic disconnect.

 

[Foxee Browne]

Funny you should say the heavy part is a guy thing, the guy is breathing heavy, because he has just exerted himself. He could not be whispering to her in the aftermath. He is too busy recovering. It's more primal than warm, perhaps "I hear your breath rasping in my ear" would have been better, but that sounds like he's having a heart attack.

He is cuddled up behind the woman after passionate sex which explains the hot and sweaty part also. She physically feels him behind her. Not emotionally feels him. His closeness shows his lust/love for her.

Why does she need him there? Because she loves him and craves his touch.

I agree it is short. I know I don't write poetry very well either LOL. Was just curious what you all thought. Some very good points for me to take into consideration! Thanks!

 

[Tzara]

Funny you should say the heavy part is a guy thing, the guy is breathing heavy, because he has just exerted himself. He could not be whispering to her in the aftermath. He is too busy recovering. It's more primal than warm, perhaps "I hear your breath rasping in my ear" would have been better, but that sounds like he's having a heart attack.

He is cuddled up behind the woman after passionate sex which explains the hot and sweaty part also. She physically feels him behind her. Not emotionally feels him. His closeness shows his lust/love for her.

Why does she need him there? Because she loves him and craves his touch.

I agree it is short. I know I don't write poetry very well either LOL. Was just curious what you all thought. Some very good points for me to take into consideration! Thanks!

Ha ha! I sure read that poem wrong. Dimwit, I guess.

I would say, though, GC, that to me there is nothing in your poem to indicate it is post-coital. I presumed it was, I don't know, seductive or something.

You could probably change that perception with one or two words. For example:

Afterwards,
I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear​

or by even making the title something that suggests the poem is about the aftermath of sex. Of course, I may think that would change the perception because that is the way I might do it.

Poems. Son of a bitchin' hard thing to do.

But fun.

 

[Angeline]

Well, I just re-read Tessie's comments, and lookie here:which looks suspiciously like
I guess us guys (or perhaps more accurately, me guy) look at love as Metallica when ces belles femmes que j'admire see it as, what? Salsa? Donna Summer disco?

Hot jazz, perhaps, in Angie's case.

Sigh. Why places like this are in business, I guess.

Aesthetic disconnect.

I'll take jazz for the daily double, Alex. No Donna Summer or Barry White. Maybe Al Green.

 

[Foxee Browne]

Ha ha! I sure read that poem wrong. Dimwit, I guess.

I would say, though, GC, that to me there is nothing in your poem to indicate it is post-coital. I presumed it was, I don't know, seductive or something.

You could probably change that perception with one or two words. For example:

Afterwards,
I hear you behind me
Your breath heavy in my ear​

or by even making the title something that suggests the poem is about the aftermath of sex. Of course, I may think that would change the perception because that is the way I might do it.

Poems. Son of a bitchin' hard thing to do.

But fun.

How totally correct you are!!! A little bit different title would make all of the difference in the world. Something such as "After We Make Love."

Damn, why didn't I think of that before!

Silly me, I presummed (dum dum dum, never ever presume, hits head) that it was obvious it was after the fact. Opps.