Not getting it on so many levels...

[zuzub]

I've been lurking around here for a while because it gets me off, but there are some things (important things) I just don't understand. Like, why can't we just live like this in the bedroom? Why does it have to be a lifestyle? More importantly, why would anybody WANT it to be a lifestyle? I'm sorry, I know that sounds snotty. This is a big mental leap for me because it appears to conflict with the critical thinking and personal accountability themes I'm used to.

I get the kink thing. Well, I'd like to get the kink thing. <grin>
And quite honestly, I can see what the guys get out of it (pussy and a nice lawn, apparently). What confuses me is the ladies. What's in it for you?

This level of dependence strikes me as potential economic suicide (amongst other things) . Unless your 'master' has signed on the dotted line, at the end of the day, you'll be picking up the tab alone. Or were you planning on being a 60 year old slave? Seen many of those lately?

When you talk about these men 'taking care of you', are they really? Somebody better be. Current skills = money = cable.

I don't know. There are some tingly aspects of BDSM, but I don't think I could cop to this. I apologise for being disrespectful. I just don't get it.

 

[graceanne]

Not all people who're into this are into it as a lifestyle. I'd say, in fact, that only a small majority take it outside the bathroom. I believe I saw that DVS said, once, that he wants a normal relationship outside the bedroom. (I think it was him.) Some of us want it as a lifestyle and that's ok, too.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't know. There are some tingly aspects of BDSM, but I don't think I could cop to this. I apologise for being disrespectful. I just don't get it.

That is your choice not to "get" it.

However, others may "get" it and they choose the life they want to lead. That is why it requires consent.

There is nothing wrong with liking a kinky bedroom. But it also means there is nothing wrong with wanting something more.

To each his or her own.

 

[CutieMouse]

Like, why can't we just live like this in the bedroom?

Ummm... you can, if that's what you want.

Why does it have to be a lifestyle?

I was unaware that someone else's choice to have their kink encompass their entire life, meant you had to do the same. (I didn't get the memo, but then again I keep forgetting the secret handshake too, so I might not be the best person to ask...)

More importantly, why would anybody WANT it to be a lifestyle?

I dunno... why do some people want to get married instead of shack up? Why do some people decide to be self employed instead of work for corporate America? Why are some people gay? Or single? Or polyamorous? Or celibate?

I'm sorry, I know that sounds snotty. This is a big mental leap for me because it appears to conflict with the critical thinking and personal accountability themes I'm used to.

That's why kinky people are considered so subversive and dangerous you know... they swim against the tide.

I get the kink thing. Well, I'd like to get the kink thing. <grin>
And quite honestly, I can see what the guys get out of it (pussy and a nice lawn, apparently). What confuses me is the ladies. What's in it for you?

Quite often, the same thing as what's in it for men... (BTW, not all men are Tops/Doms and not all women are submissives/slaves.)

This level of dependence strikes me as potential economic suicide (amongst other things) . Unless your 'master' has signed on the dotted line, at the end of the day, you'll be picking up the tab alone. Or were you planning on being a 60 year old slave? Seen many of those lately?

Mmmm... I'm loath to pin myself down to any one "side of the whip" as they say, but I will acknowledge it is easier for me to be submissive, than dominant... yet I own my own business, make my own car payment, pay my own bills, etc. That doesn't change regardless of my relationship status. What exactly is this dependence you speak of?

When you talk about these men 'taking care of you', are they really? Somebody better be. Current skills = money = cable.

There are more things to Life than finances; maybe those speaking of "being taken care of", aren't speaking in terms of money.

I don't know. There are some tingly aspects of BDSM, but I don't think I could cop to this. I apologise for being disrespectful. I just don't get it.

It isn't necessarily disrespect; just ignorance or maybe something as simple as disinterest.

 

[Kierae]

I think you are quite fine if you want it just in the bedroom. But I also believe that for several of us, we find that our sexuality is beyond our bedroom. Although I am submissive to my D in the bedroom, I am a wickedly strong woman who has always been independent in business and everything else in life. My reality is that all it takes is a simple word or whisper or reminder of some sorts and I am quickly reminded where I fit in the pecking order of things in life in our relationship - which just suits me fine. I do believe that for many subs/slaves, they are quite capable of tending to themselves if that is what is presented to them - doesn't mean that is what they want/desire but you can damn well guarantee that they aren't going to flounder if suddenly their D walks out of their lives (well beyond the normal mourning amount...lol).

Just my 2 cps...

~kierae

 

[Chris_Xavier]

This level of dependence strikes me as potential economic suicide (amongst other things) . Unless your 'master' has signed on the dotted line, at the end of the day, you'll be picking up the tab alone. Or were you planning on being a 60 year old slave? Seen many of those lately?

When you talk about these men 'taking care of you', are they really? Somebody better be. Current skills = money = cable.

Those that choose the lifestyle make the same sort of commitment (some would say deeper) as a couple who chooses to marry.

What happens to the woman (or in some cases the man) of a vanilla couple who get married.. he works, she stays home and takes care of the laundry, kids, cooking, etc.. and then fast forward 25, 30yrs and he suddenly runs off with the girl from the steno pool and leaves her not knowing what the hell happened? Sure, she'll get alimony.. but in today's environment not nearly as much as in times past (and in a community property state some of the joint assets) but she's still all of a sudden got to go out and find a job for the first time since she was 16 working at the local burger joint??

I don't get how two people can meet.. get married and have the same ole missionary style sex for 40yrs and not get bored but I don't feel it necessary to dog them for that choice either.

At its core, bsdm (whether it be a lifestyle or in the bedroom) is an expression of a person's sexual preferences and their desire to further explore what turns them on and what turns them off. What has finally happened with the advent of the internet is that those who like certain things during sex now can find out what it is called and that "they aren't the only one". Those who choose to carry their bsdm on outside the bedroom are just furthering those preferences into their everyday lives.

I know this isn't a "complete" answer and there are those who could probably articulate it better.. but there is my answer to your question.

 

[zuzub]

What happens to the woman (or in some cases the man) of a vanilla couple who get married.. he works, she stays home and takes care of the laundry, kids, cooking, etc.. and then fast forward 25, 30yrs and he suddenly runs off with the girl from the steno pool and leaves her not knowing what the hell happened? Sure, she'll get alimony.. but in today's environment not nearly as much as in times past (and in a community property state some of the joint assets) but she's still all of a sudden got to go out and find a job for the first time since she was 16 working at the local burger joint??.

True, but the thing is, that doesn't really happen anymore. The only women I know who stay home are relatively affluent to begin with, so money ain't gonna be an issue - steno bunny or not.

I don't get how two people can meet.. get married and have the same ole missionary style sex for 40yrs and not get bored but I don't feel it necessary to dog them for that choice either.

No kidding. Not get bored? Are you serious? Pfft, those guys are probably kinkier than we are. <giggle>

At its core, bsdm (whether it be a lifestyle or in the bedroom) is an expression of a person's sexual preferences and their desire to further explore what turns them on and what turns them off. What has finally happened with the advent of the internet is that those who like certain things during sex now can find out what it is called and that "they aren't the only one". Those who choose to carry their bsdm on outside the bedroom are just furthering those preferences into their everyday lives.

Hmm. So if it's in your everyday life, does that mean you think about sex all day? If so, you must be in a very good mood. <grin>

I know this isn't a "complete" answer and there are those who could probably articulate it better.. but there is my answer to your question.

Actually, I found it quite helpful. Thank you.

 

[CutieMouse]

True, but the thing is, that doesn't really happen anymore. The only women I know who stay home are relatively affluent to begin with, so money ain't gonna be an issue - steno bunny or not.

Not necessarily. I was a full time, volunteering, homeschooling, stay at home mom, and we were far from affluent (we made choices to live modestly- well *I* made choices to live modestly) in order to raise our children with a parent at home. I am still (3 years later) recovering from my marriage failing, my divorce, and the consequences of spending 10+ years out of the work force. There are still plenty of families where one spouse is dependant upon the other, and the dependant spouse would be screwed if the marriage dissolved... saying that dependence is exclusive to a D/s relationship is a bit short sighted.

 

[PhillyMouse]

I'd say, in fact, that only a small majority take it outside the bathroom. .

...which is why many D/s couples have really big bathrooms!

 

[zuzub]

... saying that dependence is exclusive to a D/s relationship is a bit short sighted.

True. I guess I got the feeling that the lifestyle can be so all encompassing that not much is happening on the work front. Really, a D/s lifestyle is probably no different from any other relationship - you do it 'til you don't wanna do it no more. I guess what creeped me out was the idea that other very important aspects of life might get neglected. Well, that and the fact that I don't really like being bossed around unless it's making me seriously hot. <grin>

I don't know. Sometimes it just pisses me off that women get stuck holding the bag so often, you know? Maybe I'm a little over zealous in that dept.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't know. Sometimes it just pisses me off that women get stuck holding the bag so often, you know? Maybe I'm a little over zealous in that dept.

What's the old saying? "People can take advantage of you only if you let them?" I'd say it applies to D/s as well.

 

[zuzub]

...which is why many D/s couples have really big bathrooms!

I support ANYTHING that involves having a large bathroom. And enclosed showers and big tubs and bidets, god I love bidets. Say what you like about French people but at least they understand the concept of good crotch care.

Umm, so why are we in the bathroom again?

 

[WriterDom]

Say what you like about French people but at least they understand the concept of good crotch care.

Do you speak German?

 

[Chris_Xavier]

True, but the thing is, that doesn't really happen anymore. The only women I know who stay home are relatively affluent to begin with, so money ain't gonna be an issue - steno bunny or not.

No, not quite. Many couples off all socio-economic walks of life make a choice for one of the partners to stay at home - most of the time for child rearing purposes (usually the one who stays home is the one with the least earning potential). Others stay home for health reasons and others for religious.

Hmm. So if it's in your everyday life, does that mean you think about sex all day? If so, you must be in a very good mood. <grin>

Hardly.. no matter what their sexual persuasion, people still have to pay the rent/mortgage, put food on the table, deal with health issues, etc, etc. For those that take bsdm out of the bedroom (or bathroom) there are still the realities of life. Just because I can put a lattice pattern on my sub's back w/ a flogger doesn't mean that when its time to go to work the car won't break down or the pipes won't burst during extreme cold weather.

Your boss may be a practitioner of bsdm and unless he/she told you, you may never know.

 

[Bandit58]

Not necessarily. I was a full time, volunteering, homeschooling, stay at home mom, and we were far from affluent (we made choices to live modestly- well *I* made choices to live modestly) in order to raise our children with a parent at home. I am still (3 years later) recovering from my marriage failing, my divorce, and the consequences of spending 10+ years out of the work force. There are still plenty of families where one spouse is dependant upon the other, and the dependant spouse would be screwed if the marriage dissolved... saying that dependence is exclusive to a D/s relationship is a bit short sighted.

Then there are those of us who ran a business with our husbands, and when the marriage folded after more than 20 years were left with no outside "paid" work experience I spent the next couple of years in part time teacher aide work, on the unemployment benefit and on work based training plus various courses run by Work and Income NZ, which if you didn't attend they would stop your benefit.

Now I stay at home on a carer's pension taking care of Master. That doesn't mean I am stagnating - I am learning a lot about haemodialysis and can set up a machine and put Master on and off as well as taking medical obs. I also give Him His meds on time and look after Him when He is having a bad day (there have been several of late as He has had severe bronchitis and has been very ill). I keep myself fit by going to the gym 3 times a week. I read a lot. I would love to work, but with His health the way it is, it's just not possible.

I also refuse to feel guilty about staying at home. If I didn't, He would spend a lot more time in hospital.

Regarding the finances - I have my own money and all access to it. I pay our bills and keep tabs on things. I am not "dependant" in any way and if god forbid anything should happen to Him I am quite capable of taking care of myself.

 

[subtleone]

You might be intereted in the answers on this thread also zuzub, where if memory serves, many of the subs were either jointly in control or in control of the finances within the Ds relationship:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=490964

 

[CutieMouse]

I guess what creeped me out was the idea that other very important aspects of life might get neglected.

This is one of those moments where you say "porn... real life... two different things." Sometimes people neglect important aspects of life- regardless of their kinks.

I don't know. Sometimes it just pisses me off that women get stuck holding the bag so often, you know? Maybe I'm a little over zealous in that dept.

Wome don't always "get stuck holding the bag"... some of them are the ones in control, not the ones giving it up. Also, one of the foundations of BDSM is consent- how is someone "left holding the bag" if they have made an educated, conscious choice to do so?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Having started with the original post, and feeling like "uh huh, someone else who thinks wanking material is how real people live in BDSM relationships", I'm tickled to death to see that you've been keeping a bit of an open mind. Cutie and Chris and crew (I love aliteration! No slight intended towards those not mentioned ) have done a fine job of pointing out that real people live real lives, it's not all "naked subbies wearing collars waiting for Master by the door" cyber-fantasy male bovine fecal matter.

This is not to say that no one does things like that though. But keep in mind that generally speaking, people are people. And there are people who do incredibly, patently, mind-bogglingly stupid things regardless of their sexuality, be they male, female, straight, gay, bi, mono-, poly-, swing-, kinky, vanilla, etc because of their raging hormones and quivering gonads. Or because they spent $1400.00 to attend a "Dance seminar" and get told they are a good dancer (Yes, I admit it, I watched "So You Think You Can Dance" last night), or like to get up in a bar and sing karaoke, or they can out-drive a skilled, experienced cop, or <insert_incredibly_stupid_activity_here>.

Every single day. Like Ron White likes to say, "You can't fix stupid".

Unfortunately, we often do not see the stupid factor before engaging in the activity, though others around us might see "SUCKER" stamped on our foreheads. We have to suffer the consequences of our folly if we are to learn from the experience. The wise one's learn and move on. The terminally stupid will blame someone else and continue doing the same thing all over again.

People are people are people. Regardless of income, social status, job, family, sexuality, etc. God bless 'em, but DAYUM, there are some stupies out there... Dee-dee-DEE!

 

[CutieMouse]

... real people live real lives, it's not all "naked subbies wearing collars waiting for Master by the door" cyber-fantasy male bovine fecal matter.

*Bwahahahahahaha*

That reminds me of a few years ago, when I thought I was just a straight up 100% submissive/people pleasing/christ-I'm-so-stressed-let-someone-else-make-all-the-decisions sort of person. I dreamed of not having to do anythign else, other than hang out (on the floor, of course) next to some worldly man's desk, chained by the ankle, easily available for whatever he needed.

Sex? HERE! See? I'm RIGHT HERE because I have no other responsibilities! this submission stuff is fabulous!

You need coffee? I'm right on it! Uhhh... I have to be unlocked first, though... please... Sir. Will you please lock me up again when I come back... please?

You need filing? Okie doke! I just need your help moving the file cabinet a bit closer as my chain doesn't reach that far... maybe we shoudl add a few links to the chain? What do you think?

Luch? I'll make you a sandwich... if you'll pretty please unlock my ankle again... but I swear I'll ask you to lock me up tight the second I get back! ... maybe we should just order in?

I'll... just sit here quitely reading, mmmkay? Thanks so much Sir of all Sirs!

Thankfully, that fantasy-land woo woo crap only lasted a month or two, before a very smart person pointed out the difference between a (incredibly hot) once in a while "scene", and this terribly annoying thing called real life.

(I still laugh at myself in that very very embarrassed sort of way over what I used to think about BDSM. )

 

[zuzub]

Do you speak German?

No. Are they good with crotches too? <wink>

 

[zuzub]

Your boss may be a practitioner of bsdm and unless he/she told you, you may never know.

Ewww!!!!! Stop! Ick. I think found a boundry there. Shudder.

 

[zuzub]

I also refuse to feel guilty about staying at home.

I apologise B, your situ is different. Caring for sick love ones can be so incredibly hard. I've been there too. Hand squeeze.

 

[HottieMama]

Having started with the original post, and feeling like "uh huh, someone else who thinks wanking material is how real people live in BDSM relationships", I'm tickled to death to see that you've been keeping a bit of an open mind. Cutie and Chris and crew (I love aliteration! No slight intended towards those not mentioned ) have done a fine job of pointing out that real people live real lives, it's not all "naked subbies wearing collars waiting for Master by the door" cyber-fantasy male bovine fecal matter.

This is not to say that no one does things like that though. But keep in mind that generally speaking, people are people. And there are people who do incredibly, patently, mind-bogglingly stupid things regardless of their sexuality, be they male, female, straight, gay, bi, mono-, poly-, swing-, kinky, vanilla, etc because of their raging hormones and quivering gonads. Or because they spent $1400.00 to attend a "Dance seminar" and get told they are a good dancer (Yes, I admit it, I watched "So You Think You Can Dance" last night), or like to get up in a bar and sing karaoke, or they can out-drive a skilled, experienced cop, or <insert_incredibly_stupid_activity_here>.

Every single day. Like Ron White likes to say, "You can't fix stupid".

Unfortunately, we often do not see the stupid factor before engaging in the activity, though others around us might see "SUCKER" stamped on our foreheads. We have to suffer the consequences of our folly if we are to learn from the experience. The wise one's learn and move on. The terminally stupid will blame someone else and continue doing the same thing all over again.

People are people are people. Regardless of income, social status, job, family, sexuality, etc. God bless 'em, but DAYUM, there are some stupies out there... Dee-dee-DEE!

Ummm..i happen to LOVE karaoke. Bout the only time i get to use the years of voice lessons i had as a child....

 

[zuzub]

People are people are people. Regardless of income, social status, job, family, sexuality, etc. God bless 'em, but DAYUM, there are some stupies out there... Dee-dee-DEE!

Oh, no you don't. Don't go acting all sane now. I've WATCHED you - you're strange. <hehe>

Fine. You all have normal lives. Bummer. I was starting to warm to the porn version. <grin>

 

[zuzub]

*Bwahahahahahaha!
(I still laugh at myself in that very very embarrassed sort of way over what I used to think about BDSM. )

I still don't know what to think, but I've been checking out the library. Nice.

To add to the complications, it sounds like you're telling me that everything is 'customized' to each couple/individual, so it's hard to find a baseline, if you know what I mean.