Not allowed to be submissive

[Pergatory]

I have been in a relationship with a man for over ten years. Recently he has gone behind my back and taken on a new submissive girlfriend type. I have recently expressed that I would like him to be my dominant and I his submissive but he just tells me no and gets annoyed that I bring it up. He won't even try and o don't know what to do, any advice would be great.

 

[UpwardSpiral]

I have been in a relationship with a man for over ten years. Recently he has gone behind my back and taken on a new submissive girlfriend type. I have recently expressed that I would like him to be my dominant and I his submissive but he just tells me no and gets annoyed that I bring it up. He won't even try and o don't know what to do, any advice would be great.

I'll be frank; at first blush, this sounds to me like he's decided that your needs and his needs have become mutually exclusive. A loving and respectful partner should never express annoyance at the clearly communicated needs of the person they are in a relationship with. If he has taken on a submissive partner, and you did not expressly consent to this action, then that in and of itself is a violation of respect. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your particular arrangement, but if this was something he did "behind your back", then it would seem he never had any intention of considering you for the role of "his" submissive.

I'm sure this sounds harsh and perhaps a bit blunt, but what he did is not okay. And grounds for ending the relationship. I'm certainly not suggesting a specific course of action, but it is the way I see it. My condolences on what you are having to deal with.

 

[adrina]

Honestly? Dump him.

He's got more red flags than a theme park.

 

[Blue]

Oh my goodness. One instance of trust being broken, with little to no context or information, and we're already talking about ending a decade-long relationship?

Assuming the information is correct and he actually is orientated to be a dom...
I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you have expressed your displeasure to him like you're doing to us now, yes? What was his response?
Perhaps he strongly thinks you're not naturally inclined to enjoy what he would do, so refuses your offer out of hand, or maybe he's a proper genuine git (There's my Irish heritage coming out...) and you should get rid of him, or maybe it's something else. Although, regardless of how repressed he may be, having a secret affair was very git-ish, no argument there.

Just force conversations about it until he tells you what his thinking is. And make sure you state your feelings on the matter.

 

[adrina]

Yup.

After 10 years, he gets angry when she expresses displeasure that he is essentially stepping out on her.

This isn't about bdsm, this is about a screwed up relationship.

 

[Blue]

Yup.

After 10 years, he gets angry when she expresses displeasure that he is essentially stepping out on her.

This isn't about bdsm, this is about a screwed up relationship.

Well that's not what I just read. I thought I just read a sexually repressed person not wanting to talk about their abnormal preferences.

[Insert emphasis on lack of information]

We just read an example of a guy with abnormal sexuality refusing to share his preferences with his partner for undisclosed reasons. I'm not going to defend his secret affair, that's agreeably very toxic behaviour, but we don't know to what extent they have, if they even have, talked about the affair and the underlying factors. No information given, I can't make a judgement on an effective solution.

 

[adrina]

Well that's not what I just read. I thought I just read a sexually repressed person not wanting to talk about their abnormal preferences.

[Insert emphasis on lack of information]

We just read an example of a guy with abnormal sexuality refusing to share his preferences with his partner for undisclosed reasons. I'm not going to defend his secret affair, that's agreeably very toxic behaviour, but we don't know to what extent they have, if they even have, talked about the affair and the underlying factors. No information given, I can't make a judgement on an effective solution.

- she wants to be his submissive
- he's taken a submissive other than her
- when she wants to talk about it, he gets annoyed

It's pretty a+b=c.

If he would talk about it, then I'd have a different set of advice. But after 10 years he steps out on her and then refuses to talk about it and further, gets annoyed with her for bringing it up.

If this were your sister or your daughter, what would you tell her? Stick around for more?

 

[Blue]

- she wants to be his submissive
- he's taken a submissive other than her
- when she wants to talk about it, he gets annoyed

It's pretty a+b=c.

If he would talk about it, then I'd have a different set of advice. But after 10 years he steps out on her and then refuses to talk about it and further, gets annoyed with her for bringing it up.

If this were your sister or your daughter, what would you tell her? Stick around for more?

The OP could be in the most dysfunctional mess imaginable or she could be in a stable and fruitful relationship and this is the first ever hiccup they've ever encountered.

My point is that you don't know anything about this woman's relationship, you don't know her husband's reasons for not wanting to talk about a situation we know almost absolutely nothing about, you don't know the history or the discussions that have taken place (if any) that we didn't hear about...but you're going straight to "Break it off honey, he's bad for you". This woman can do whatever she wants with her relationship, of course, I'm not saying she should stay with him regardless of her feelings and ignore his behaviour, I'm criticizing your metaphorical leap of faith.

If this was my sister or daughter then I hope I'd be saying the exact same thing instead of advising her to potentially uproot her life based on an ignorant assumption.

 

[adrina]

The OP could be in the most dysfunctional mess imaginable or she could be in a stable and fruitful relationship and this is the first ever hiccup they've ever encountered.

My point is that you don't know anything about this woman's relationship, you don't know her husband's reasons for not wanting to talk about a situation we know almost absolutely nothing about, you don't know the history or the discussions that have taken place (if any) that we didn't hear about...but you're going straight to "Break it off honey, he's bad for you". This woman can do whatever she wants with her relationship, of course, I'm not saying she should stay with him regardless of her feelings and ignore his behaviour, I'm criticizing your metaphorical leap of faith.

If this was my sister or daughter then I hope I'd be saying the exact same thing instead of advising her to potentially uproot her life based on an ignorant assumption.

Seriously? Could be in the most stable and fruitful relationship? Yes that's why she's coming to an internet board for advice.

That's a stretch and I think you know it.

No we don't know everything, but there are some very specific issues here.

He's stepped out. He refuses to discuss it. He "gets annoyed at her" about it.

If you think that is a fruitful and stable relationship, I've got a bridge to sell you.

I've stated my opinion. I stand by my opinion.

 

[Blue]

Seriously? Could be in the most stable and fruitful relationship? Yes that's why she's coming to an internet board for advice.

That's a stretch and I think you know it.

No we don't know everything, but there are some very specific issues here.

He's stepped out. He refuses to discuss it. He "gets annoyed at her" about it.

If you think that is a fruitful and stable relationship, I've got a bridge to sell you.

I've stated my opinion. I stand by my opinion.

I'm just using the 'stable and fruitful relationship' as the polar extreme to 'dysfunctional mess' as an example, I don't actually believe it.
I think your solution is probably too extreme based on the information given. It also might be totally reasonable, and that's my point. Switch divorce with "get over it, you're over-reacting" or any other quote unquote solution and it's just as reasonable to suggest.

No I don't think that's a hallmark of a stable relationship at all, but for all we know this man in question was raised in a conservative religious household and hates his own sexuality and doesn't want to talk about it. Not to suggest that is actually the case at all, but you can't just implicate that because he won't talk about it then the whole set-up is in jeopardy and that she should make a potentially life-altering decision because of it. Which is why I said she should force a conversation.

Feel like I should repeat that OP is obviously under no obligation to stay with him if he is a toxic cretin.

 

[adrina]

I'm just using the 'stable and fruitful relationship' as the polar extreme to 'dysfunctional mess' as an example, I don't actually believe it.
I think your solution is probably too extreme based on the information given. It also might be totally reasonable, and that's my point. Switch divorce with "get over it, you're over-reacting" or any other quote unquote solution and it's just as reasonable to suggest.

No I don't think that's a hallmark of a stable relationship at all, but for all we know this man in question was raised in a conservative religious household and hates his own sexuality and doesn't want to talk about it. Not to suggest that is actually the case at all, but you can't just make implicate that because he won't talk about it then the whole set-up is in jeopardy and that she should make a potentially life-altering decision because of it. Which is why I said she should force a conversation.

Feel like I should repeat that OP is obviously under no obligation to stay with him if he is a toxic cretin.

Ideally there should be a conversation. But he doesn't seem willing or able. At that point, how much of a relationship is it when he won't, ya know... relate?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[tryn2Bgood]

I have been in a relationship with a man for over ten years. Recently he has gone behind my back and taken on a new submissive girlfriend type. I have recently expressed that I would like him to be my dominant and I his submissive but he just tells me no and gets annoyed that I bring it up. He won't even try and o don't know what to do, any advice would be great.

When I first read your post I wanted to say, "this doesn't sound good. He's trying to hide something from you". But I don't like to give direct advice on what people should do in their relationships based on assumptions. I also agree with other comments that there isn't enough information to make a good guess.

My first concern would be whether you offered to be his sub AFTER you found out he was searching for that elsewhere. Is that something you are actually interested in or are you simply trying to hold onto him by being what he wants? Neither of you would be happy if that type of relationship wasn't what you both desired.

Secondly, I don't know what type of relationship you two have had for the past ten years. Exclusive? Casual dating? Strickly vanilla? There could be many reasons for the situation you have described. Maybe he got bored and wanted something different. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants and is just testing the waters. Maybe he has considered that type of relationship with you, but feels uncomfortable changing the dynamic you already have. Maybe he's embarrassed and wants to gain a little experience beforehand (not that that's a good plan). Maybe he wants a 'good girl' at home and a 'bad girl' on the side. Maybe he's just an asshole that just wants what he wants and doesn't care about how you feel. Could be a million things.

Obviously, you are not happy with this development in your relationship, and you do need to communicate with each other if you want it to work out. So what if he gets upset when you bring it up? Tough shit! It's an issue you need to talk about. Yell, scream, have an argument...or write him a letter. But he needs to know how you feel about it and if it's a dealbreaker for you. So, my advice...hash it out, however unpleasant it maybe, and decide where you want the relationship to go from there. Good luck! Hope things work out for you.

 

[MeekMe]

I have been in a relationship with a man for over ten years. Recently he has gone behind my back and taken on a new submissive girlfriend type. I have recently expressed that I would like him to be my dominant and I his submissive but he just tells me no and gets annoyed that I bring it up. He won't even try and o don't know what to do, any advice would be great.

You say "not allowed to be submissive," does that mean you can't even have that fulfilled on the side? Why not find a guy that wants to be your d-type? If the 10 year relationship dude doesn't want to and won't even talk about it with you, find someone who will.

 

[hylas_]

I agree that there is not much information here, but what little information there is looks pretty bad.

I'm not really referring to the part where your lover doesn't want to be your Dom. I'm a Dom/switch who also enjoys vanilla, and I don't see every partner in every role. Maybe he just doesn't see you that way... that could be something to seriously work on.

But the part that looks pretty bad is where he goes behind your back. Don't you deserve better? Do you trust him? Does he trust you? Is he treating you well? What keeps the two of you together, aside from inertia? Tough and painful questions, I know.

 

[Pergatory]

I think I should offer a bit more information on this. I have been with this man for over ten years and expressed interest in sub dom activities we have never hidden our sexual likes and dislikes from each other. He has said to me that he has tried to start a sub dom sexual relationship with but but I believe this to be untrue. I have many times shown him the pornography that I enjoy and I have even requested to get a color and be submissive but he said I'm not the submissive type. This is where I think he gave up because in life, every day life I am very NOT submissive and I think he just figures I wouldn't be sexually.

As for the affair, this woman has been his friend for awhile and on truth I could care less if they fucked but he got feelings for her. Once this happened I was not OK with it. He later promised nothing was going on but I recent found out him and this woman had a tumbler account filled with pictures of her naked and them partaking in sub dom activities. This is when I got upset as I had expressed that I had wanted him to do this with me but his argument still stands that he says I am not a submissive. It pisses me off that he is telling me what I want and refuses to talk to me about it as I just "piss him off" when talking about it.

 

[Blue]

...
He has said to me that he has tried to start a sub dom sexual relationship with but but I believe this to be untrue.
...

Better people than me here to be giving relationship advice, but I found that part quite funny. He supposedly tried to fundamentally change up your relationship dynamic (Apparently without bothering to inform you at all), but you just happened not to notice?
Uh, yeah. That's utter crap from him. That's ridiculous.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm going to stand by my earlier advice and say find someone that wants you as a submissive. With or without dumping this guy (that sounds like a complete ass). It's not up to him whether you're submissive or not in the general sense. You may not be the submissive type he's interested in, but that doesn't make you not submissive. Not being submissive outside of the bedroom doesn't make you not a submissive either.

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to cheat on you and then turn it around when you bring it up. Lose the creep and find someone worth your time.

 

[adrina]

I'm going to stand by my earlier advice and say find someone that wants you as a submissive. With or without dumping this guy (that sounds like a complete ass). It's not up to him whether you're submissive or not in the general sense. You may not be the submissive type he's interested in, but that doesn't make you not submissive. Not being submissive outside of the bedroom doesn't make you not a submissive either.

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to cheat on you and then turn it around when you bring it up. Lose the creep and find someone worth your time.

^^^ This.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

I'm going to stand by my earlier advice and say find someone that wants you as a submissive. With or without dumping this guy (that sounds like a complete ass). It's not up to him whether you're submissive or not in the general sense. You may not be the submissive type he's interested in, but that doesn't make you not submissive. Not being submissive outside of the bedroom doesn't make you not a submissive either.

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to cheat on you and then turn it around when you bring it up. Lose the creep and find someone worth your time.

I have to agree...

 

[cookiecat]

Third to agree with Meek.

You can't force him (interesting choice of words considering we're talking Dom/sub) to be interested in this kind of relationship with you. In fact, he made a choice and it WASN'T you.

That's just mean and creepy.

He doesn't listen to you.
He denies you.
He tells you what he thinks you need.
He lied.
He cheated.

 

[Nezhul]

I have many times shown him the pornography that I enjoy and I have even requested to get a color and be submissive but he said I'm not the submissive type. This is where I think he gave up because in life, every day life I am very NOT submissive and I think he just figures I wouldn't be sexually.

To me that sounds like you are asking too much too soon. So here's an advice based on one assumption that he's not just a dick. Just to make things fresh. If he is a dick, then you'd better go with what MeekMe says.

Rephrase. Tell him you don't know if you want to be submissive just yet (which is true, because you never tried it seriously). Tell him you want to play kinky games in bed.
This change of words doesn't really change ANYTHING, because you start exactly where you would have started the submissive road of yours, and all the paths are open for you to take.
But for him that may mean a lot of difference. Men are weird with words. Too literal sometimes. He may have a picture of a submissive in mind and think that you can't handle it. OK, that's totally fine. Walk around this block then

A collar? That's a commitment. It may seem too much to him.
Tell him you want to do something naughty but easy. Be spanked in bed - why not? Or have your hands tied to the bedposts while he fucks you. That's easy stuff.
After you do that, maybe the enxt day or right away - talk. What he liked, what you liked. What you disliked. Express only positive emotions - don't push him saying that it was too little and you wanted MORE. Tell him how you loved it, make sure he loved it, make sure he doesn't think he hurt you in any way.
Play on his self esteem (in a positive way). How you were afraid he wouldn't be so good but how he was awesome. How powerful and strong he felt when he did that to you. Stuff like that.
What you are aiming to achieve is building a rapport, a positive emotion connected to dominating you in a small way. You are aiming to reassure him that he did well, that you liked it. You are aiming to find out what he didn't like and either put his concerns at ease or find a way to fix them next time.

Start small - go big. Next time ask him to spank you a bit harder, to hold you down a bit tighter, to fuck you rougher. Whatever rubs you.

Find out what his fantasies are. Maybe he's afraid of his fantasies? Like for example he thinks that caning someone's ass is pure sadism and no one can enjoy that and he doesn't want to spook you with it, while in reality you are fine and even willing.

 

[Pergatory]

I will state the he bought the woman a coller who he's only been messing with 6 months, he has been in a relationship with me for ten years, I don't think it's to much to soon...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Nezhul]

yeah well. He sounds like a dick you should dump. Or find someone else to play with if otherwise the relationship suits you.

But there may be a lot of undercurrent that I'm missing in your relationship.

Also, "too soon" is a subjective thing. It's not about the time, the counter on the clock. It's about many things, when it comes to the collar. Until you find out EXACTLY his reasons for not indulging you - too soon is as valid option as any. Too soon for you, in his mind, or too soon for him as he is now. Maybe it was OK to buy one for someone he was just messing around with, but he loves you and it's a much harder decision.

There's literally as many good explanations to his behavior as there are bad ones, and without knowing we can't tell. People in this forum often assume the worst - or rather, that the guys always tend to be abusive and girls always tend to be victims. When you post about a problem in a DS relationship, 90% of people here will assume that a submissive gets abused and the dominant is a dick. When it's a vanilla relationship. then a husband is automatically a dick.

People in this forum tend to have double standards.
If a girl is dissatisfied with her man, then he clearly doesn't do enough or is a motherfucker to begin with.
If a man, however, is dissatisfied with his woman, then he's asking her too much, and if he dares to seek advice how to fix his life the way he wants - he's an abuser, because he's forcing the poor girl to do what she doesn't want to do.
The truth? It's never so easy.

Notice, there isn't one person here who went "Oooh, maybe he doesn't want to dominate you, and you are forcing him to do that! Poor guy! Maybe he has his reasons! He is free to choose what he wants to and with whom he wants it!"
If you were a guy and talked about a woman who wouldn't let you be her submissive - this would be the first thing you'd get.
Knowing this, I would take all the negative replies here with a grain of salt.

Again, we don't know almost anything about you guys. Way you post, he comes along as an awful, abusive partner and I really can't fathom why you stayed with him at all. Like, you get almost nothing from it - that's how it sounds. But you obviously do.

The only real advice has already been given. Talk about it and get your answer as to the exact reasoning behind his actions. Then make up your mind. Maybe you are just incompatible. Maybe