Not about sex, help from other parents please

[cyndiesweet]

Here's the quandry

We have a very beautiful nine year old daughter. I mean really beautiful. We have been asked to have her model, people stop us on the street and in restaurants to tell us how beautiful she is etc. I am not bragging at all just stating a point.

The problem is all of her girl friends are starting to notice and so are the boys. Suddenly she has no friends that are girls and all friends who are boys. To top it off the girls who used to be her friends are now teasing her and making fun of her.

She is really shy and very sensitive. I want to help her but I don't know what to do. I really want to go down there and kick some little girls butts but somehow I think that might not be appropriate.

 

[SexyChele]

I'm not a parent, so I can't really help you, but it must be awful to have to watch your daughter go through this. I know when I started to develop at the age of 9/10, the other girls teased me mercilessly and it was difficult to find girlfriends who would even be seen with me. Thankfully, most of them caught up and it was only temporary.

I wish you well with your daughter. And hope that some one here can offer some sound advice on how to deal with your dilema.

 

[Mischka]

To top it off the girls who used to be her friends are now teasing her and making fun of her.

My first thought - slumber party. Call the parents of your daughter's (former) friends and explain that your daughter is going through a painfully shy stage, and that she misses her friends. Say that in order to help her open back up, you would really appreciate their help in rallying their kids to be extra nice to her, and that you would like to invite the girls over for a get reacquainted slumber party. Make this a big affair - written invitations, snacks galore, board games, and videos. If the girls feel special as well, they will be more inclined to be nice to your daughter. And what nine year old can turn down an invitation addressed directly to her?

Parents all understand that some kids can be shy, and I bet many of them were for a spell as youngsters as well. With all of the parents more conscious of your daughter's shyness, they will be more inclined to make sure their children include your daughter in their social gatherings/playtime.

Good luck.

 

[YogiBare]

Cindie

I appreciate your situation. I have a 10 year old daughter and I am amazed to see some of the social dramas playing out in her class as the kids mature at different rates and to see the personalities become increasingly differentiated.


I think that Mischka made a great suggestion. You might also make your daughter's teacher aware of what is happening so that she can try to help to ease her way back into the social group.

 

[Guest]

cyndiesweet,

Mischka and YogiBare have made some very good points. The slumber party sounds like a great idea, but if that is not a feasible thing for you to do, just a get-together would be a great thing. The main thing is to get her and all of her friends together once again for some great friend on friend communication, kind of like how we let our hair down when we are with people we are familiar with. Maybe have a make your own sundae kind of thing or something along those lines would be a great way for them to have fun. Maybe having them get together to paint each other's fingernails would be an awesome thing to do. Just check with the other parents about this and as long as they don't mind....go for it.

But be prepared that this one thing just might not do what you hope to accomplish on the first try. Just make it a point of allowing your daughter to express her frustrations with you.

Also, letting her teacher/teachers know what is going on will be most helpful. Many times they see things you aren't aware of and they can also give you some insight into the situation.

Good luck with this and please let us know how everything works out.

Enchanted

 

[Weird Harold]

The problem is all of her girl friends are starting to notice and so are the boys. Suddenly she has no friends that are girls and all friends who are boys. To top it off the girls who used to be her friends are now teasing her and making fun of her.

She is really shy and very sensitive. I want to help her but I don't know what to do. I really want to go down there and kick some little girls butts but somehow I think that might not be appropriate.

Your daughter needs a good mommy/daughter talk about dealing with jealousy and lust. This is a problem that is NOT going away until her friends catch up in physical development and can compete with your daughter on more equal terms for boyfriends.

It might be necessary to get a school counselor or other professional therapist involved, because kids that age are getting to the point where they don't always listen to parents.

I don't know if a slumber party or other gathering that forces her to associate with her tormentors will do the trick. A slumber party might actually be counter-productive because slumber parties are typically times when girls share secrets and talk about boys -- the very subjects that are causing the most problem.

Talk to your daughter and find out how she feels about modeling. That's an activity that could boost her self-confidence. Getting her involved in Choir or Drama class could help too.

The important thing here, is how your daughter deals with others, NOT how others deal with her. Hogtieing her former friends and making them treat her nice will not help anyone. (as satisfying as that might be to you. )

 

[Guest]

I tip my hat to the wonderful advice given here. Kudos to all who have weighed in on this.
The great thing about this scenario, is that your daughter will learn some very valuable relational skills here. My daughter is 14 and the tension between the girls in here peer group is a continuing saga. Everyday brings some new challenge! The social activity is a great idea. So much of our relational conflicts come from misunderstandings, and what better way to diffuse the situation than to create an atmosphere of companionship and understanding. Next week,or next month the crisis will shift to someone or something else. But if a person could develop a habit (especially as a child) of seeking to understand those who rub us the wrong way, who are critical of our modus operandi, or who just don't like the way we look, then our contribution to our peer group is immense. It's so normal for any of us to respond to our insecurities by lashing out at the person who has what we want.
The opportunity as a parent to encourage our children to relate to the feelings and insecurities of others in a positive way is exciting! The slumber party/get-to-together idea is a positive step towards fostering understanding.

 

[looking4fun]

Lots of good advice given already. My 10 year old son going through the same social problems, so it's not just a girl think.

I would talk to the teacher & let him/her know of the problem and stress that you do not want the other kids to be singled out for what is being done. Instead see if the teacher can maybe change some things that will help out with out making a scene.

Try to find ways to help rebuild the friendships that have fallen a part. Slumber party, trip to the movies, take snack for the whole class to enjoy...

Plus make more time with your daugther, when just the 2 of you can go out (shopping, movie, walk...) Personally I realizedthat we tend to do more family things (I have 4 kids), so I am now just planning a few just the guys activities. To give me more time with my son only.

What about signing her up for a sport, dance, tennis lessons... Which would give her a chance to make new friends that share a common interest.

Good Luck & let us know how it turns out.

 

[LukkyKnight]

another angle

Has your daughter seen anybody she looks up to model how to cope with such teasing? Do you and your friends/sisters/whatevers always play "nice" in front of the children?

You may not be able to mold the behaviors of her (current) adversaries, but if you can orchestrate the get-together others have suggested to include at least one of the other mothers it's possible you can talk to all of them about it. Agression in children is often symptomatic of a lack of willingness, comfort, or ability to articulate their feelings.

Raising children is preparing them to leave the nest. You can't spare them all the pain, but with luck you can arm them to cope with the attacks, and comfort them when they need it.

 

[PowerOfOne]

I have often thought that it is as bad to be beautiful as it is to be an ugly beast. Women/girls become jealous and their only armor is to tease, start rumors or fight. Men/boys cannot see through the beauty to see the real person, the inner self. Your daughter should raise her head high. Enjoy what she has been blessed with and realize that other people and their opinions are not what makes her what she is. SHE makes herself what she is and of course is influenced by the parents and people she looks up to.

It is very hard to find the correct balance between being comfortable with herself and becoming bitter and arrogant. Try teaching her that all people are beautiful, even though sometimes you have to look hard to find that beauty, while others are beautiful on the outside but not the inside and those are the ugliest of all. She is beautiful because she was made from love, not because of a face or a figure.

And if all else fails, let her know that beauty does open doors.
No matter how hard we resist this realization it is true. So she is a step ahead of most. I wish you and your daughter luck and love. I have an infant daughter and I really hope that I remember what I have told you so that I can tell her when she is nine years old!!

 

[lovetoread]

In my opinion,I dont think you can make the kids be nice,but you can make sure she meets new ones.

I have an 11 year old daughter,she is more tomboy than the other girls,who are into make up, boys and chatting on the phone for hours. She likes to play outside with the guys,do sports and couldnt care less about how her hair looks.

Needless to say,she doesnt have alot of female friends,most of hers are guys, and I have tried to prepare her for the fact that when you have more male than female friends,then there are going to be some girls who dont understand.

This year she is in band,playing the trumpet, and she rocks. Again all but one player is a girl,but this girl has become a very good friend to her.

Get your daughter into something she enjoys and she will make friends with others who share her interests.

 

[cyndiesweet]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.The party idea is a good one. The problem is she is pretty bitter about what has been going on. She has said to me that if that is how they treat their friends then she doesn't want to be friends with them. Which on the one hand is pretty mature for 9 years old but on the other hand may set her up for some pretty lonely times ahead.
While right now I don't mind her being friends with "the guys" (it is a specific group that she has known for years) I can see trouble ahead when the hormones start raging both for her and for them. What about when she starts her periods? I know grown men who can't talk about menstuation without stammering. Who is she going to talk to besides me? I remember being there I didn't always want to talk to my mom about this stuff.
What about when the guys she see's as her best friends make a move on her. How strange is that going to seem? What if she says I just see you as a friend and they walk away too?

I know that I can't protect her from all of this but I want to be as supportive and helpful as I can.

I truly think that most of this is not about shyness but about jealousy. Since I have taught her that beauty comes from within, she is totally uncomfortable with being treated differently because of ther looks.Not only is she uncomfortable but the whole concept is foreign to her. She doesn't understand.
That is why I think she has gravitated toward the boys. They take her as she is right now. That won't last though. The testosterone will kick in soon and they will base how they treat her on her looks too.

This is so hard. I am trying to teach her to be a decent human being and that everyone should be treated the same regardless of how they look.She is so damn tenderhearted. She wants to be everyone's friend. Her teachers always sit her next to kids that need a little help because they know she will help them. Right now she sits next a little boy who is autistic. He has been much less disruptive to the class since he started sitting next to Lauren. Her teacher even sent me a note home to tell me this.I am proud of the great kid she is on the inside. I just need to help her understand that life isn't always as it should be. You can't make people act decent and you can;'t control what they do.

I want to teach her there is good and decency in the world but she can clearly see that there isn't always.

 

[Guest]

cyndiesweet,

Being a parent is never easy. We laugh right along with our children as well as cry with them. Unfortunately, we can't shelter them from the world no matter how hard we try. I have a 13 year old son whom I would do anything for, but most times we need to help guide them in situations like these. They need to know that not all people are like them with regards to how someone sees the true value a person has to offer regardless of their beauty.

Yes, like you, I taught my son and the thousands of students I've encountered along the way that beauty does come from within. It's the whole of a person - it's how they are on the inside and how those feelings and thoughts carry through to the outside. It's not about the color of their eyes, or the size of their wallet - it's about how they care for their fellow man and how the beauty of their heart and soul shine through their eyes and in their smiles.

I truly feel for you, as I fully understand what you and your daughter are going through. You're doing a fine job of raising her and I'm sure everything will work out in the end with your guidance and nurturing.

Please teach her the beauty of turning the other cheek when it comes to petty jealousy, which is a very hard course to teach. In the end, she will be the winner, she will be the one able to hold her head high because of her inner beauty and strength.

Good luck to you.

 

[petrel]

just a quick thought
i remember quite vivdly certain parts of my childhood and teen years . Classic "i never quite fitted in" scenario

One of the most embarressing things was when my parents said why don't you go and see a friend or why don't we invite soemone over here?
its really hard to say at that point - "because i don't think anyone would come or I can't just go round to peoples houses uninvited they don't like me that much"

talk to your daughter and give her some space, everyone talks about how important it is for teenagers to mix with their peer group and age gorup - it isn't
what is important ois to mix with people after all in later life are they going to be surrounded by bitchy cruel self absorbed teenagers or are they going to mix with adults?

I learnt to deal with and be friends with adults at an ealry age, I learnt self sufficiency and confidence which enabled me to buy a house at 21 and means i am now in a job a full scale above what i could expect at my age (25) due to my "unusual maturity" quote from my superviser

if oyur daughter wants to model fine and its okay to tell her that beauty opens doors, wealth does too. just emphasis that what they do most of all is give you more choice.

 

[cellis]

I am curious as to what your daughter is interested in... and are there any organizations in your area that are comprised of groups of girls here age, perhaps from different schools.... I know that at that age I was already developing and all the other girls were not... it is a very difficult time for a child.... and I was teased a lot by the kids at school.... by the time I was 12 I was as tall as I am now and fully developed.... my saving grace was a city wide swim team with kids from all over the city.... I did not have the problems there that I had a school and felt accepted by the other girls.... perhaps there is something like this in your area that your daughter might be interested in.... what ever you find it is so very important to reinforce for your daughter that this is not about her but about others pettiness and that not all the girls here age will treat her that way....

 

[kiwiwolf]

As the father of 3 gorgeous girls and a good looking boy, I hate reading posts like this. Everyone who has contributed so far is pretty much bang on the money, and I would definitely agree with the suggestion that teachers and counellors should be involved.

Jealousy is a really hard problem to deal with but the slumber party idea is a brilliant one. It gives the other girls time to see that your daughter is the same girl that they used to get along with brilliantly.

Best of luck with the problem. In the mean time all you can do for your daughter is provide plenty of positive reinforcement.

 

[lovetoread]

As the father of 3 gorgeous girls and a good looking boy, I hate reading posts like this. Everyone who has contributed so far is pretty much bang on the money, and I would definitely agree with the suggestion that teachers and counellors should be involved.

Jealousy is a really hard problem to deal with but the slumber party idea is a brilliant one. It gives the other girls time to see that your daughter is the same girl that they used to get along with brilliantly.

Best of luck with the problem. In the mean time all you can do for your daughter is provide plenty of positive reinforcement.

Oh what a dollbaby! She is precious!

 

[MysticSwing]

I agree...

Everyone here has had great ideas/advice and I would suggest trying any of them... I'm the mother of a beautiful 2 year old and reading posts like this worry me and what the future holds! I'll try and keep all this advise in mind when it becomes my turn to deal with such issues....

~~Mystic

P.S. cyndiesweet I understand exactly what you mean about wanting to go kick some little girl butt! *laugh*... I get that urge sometimes too when some bully at the park decides to push my daughter down... LOL... (Thank the higher powers my rational brain returns and tells me that wouldn't be such a good idea before I wind up in jail for beating up some 3 year old for nocking my daughter over! )

 

[cyndiesweet]

She is not really interested in sports except for fun. I had this brilliant idea, or so I thought. Her class has recently started doing creative problem solving and therre is a nationwide team competition called Destination Imagination that does creative problem solving competitions. So I thought how cool it would be to help her get a team together. I have the time to coach and it would teach her some great problem solving skills and get her socially active. She called 8 girls all of whom said no then she called 4 boys all said yes. They have been calling ever since.She is the only girl on the team but they elected her team captain. A least she has some positive friendships.
I just worry about the future a bit. I don't think Mark or Emerson can loan her a tampon or commiserate when she gets cramps in a few years. Any guys out there that grew up with a good female friend. How did this particular thing play out?

Kiwiwolf- I love those slippers! My youngest was a duck for Halloween and I tried to find something like that but they don't have them around here.

Mysticswing- Thanks for understanding. Not everyone understands the urge to bodily harm another persons child.

Thankfully Lauren hasn't started to visibly develop yet. I started early so I expect she will too but it hasn't happened yet.When that happens ... well, I am just too young for this stuff. You should have to be like 50 before you even have kids, you know. Who decided that young adults should have children anyway? I am thirty years old I should know what to do here but I don't. Sometimes when this stuff happens you just think to yourself "I am not ready for this" But you have to be even if you don't know what to do.

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate the ideas and support.

 

[another]

no new advise here, but hopefully some encouragement.

My daughter is 2 1/2 so this is not a problem for me yet. I have spent years involved with teens/preteens and can tell you that there will always be cliches and jealous people around. However, you are doing exactly what your daughter needs by being involved and concerned. Having a stable, mature person around is very important.

One piece of advice, remember you know your daughter best. Weigh any advice you get from others with your own good sense and be flexible and pragmatic. Her needs will change very rapidly.

 

[MysticSwing]

well, I am just too young for this stuff. You should have to be like 50 before you even have kids, you know. Who decided that young adults should have children anyway? I am thirty years old I should know what to do here but I don't. Sometimes when this stuff happens you just think to yourself "I am not ready for this" But you have to be even if you don't know what to do.

I don't think we're ever ready... *sigh* I've been married almost 10 years and I waited until I was 30 to have my first (and only) child... I think we learn and grow with our children, no matter how old we are...

~~Mystic