Not a real lesbian, or even truly sexually attracted to women, unless you like oral?

[PricelessT]

Hi, all. This is the first thread I've started here. The idea for this topic came to me after the matter was broached in the Barsexual vs. Bisexual discussion, and I felt that it would be interesting to start a thread about this and see what other women, even men, think about it.

Now I want to make clear that I have no problem with oral sex (aside from men gagging women with their cocks and demanding that women swallow their seed), and that I can enjoy performing it in addition to receiving it. As a woman who knows that it's more likely to be important to the woman I'm romantically/sexually involved with than it's not likely to be, I'm happy to oblige her in that respect. But there are lesbian and bisexual-identified women who don't like oral sex or just aren't fond of it, whether it's giving it or receiving it. Like I stated in the Barsexual vs. Bisexual thread, while most research on lesbian sexual practices includes oral sex, some scholars will state that there is a significant portion who don't engage in it (30% according to one study, for example, mentioned in Google Books source 1 below) and that some only do it because it's expected of same-sex female romances. Online sources such as advice columns, blogs, forums and scholarly sources have discussed this. See:

Do All Lesbians Like Oral Sex? (About.com source.)

Going Down? “Lesbian” Sex is More than You Think! (A site/blog post.)

Lesbian that doesn't like oral sex? (A forum discussion.)

Google Books source 1. (Although I disagree with this source saying that lesbian relationships can lack the diversity needed to make sex exciting simply because both people are women.)

Google Books source 2.

Google Books source 3.


And so I'd like to know if any of you here, no matter your sexual orientation or sex/gender, feel that it makes a woman less of a lesbian or less on the "gay side of bisexuality" if they aren't into oral sex. I'm not here to debate strongly for either side. I just want views on the matter from this forum. Are you quick to say "You aren't a real lesbian"? or "What lesbian doesn't like oral sex"?, or "How can you be into women and not like oral sex"?

If a woman, could you be with another woman romantically/sexually who wasn't into oral sex or didn't like it as much as you do? If the woman is someone you're romantically/sexually interested in, would you try to work things out by compromising? Or do you say that it's needed for some otherwise unattainable level of intimacy? For example, is it needed for you to reach orgasm?

To everyone, do you feel that it's a big part of what a lesbian is or what "women who have sex with women" (WSW) is about? Or are you more inclined, like the links I listed above, to say "Everyone's different" and proclaim that being a lesbian doesn't have to mean you like oral sex, just like being a gay man doesn't have to mean that you like anal sex? Are you one to note that even lesbians and WSMs have inhibitions about oral sex due to society having taught us that vaginas/vulvas are smelly, dirty, etc., like Google Books source 3? What say you on the matter?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I didn't like eating pussy until I was in my mid forties, even though I always liked the taste-- I felt I had better control with my hands and I still like using my fingers better.

I didn't like receiving it until very recently for the same reason, and even now I tell my partner to use her hand to finish me off. I just need a truckload of solid pressure at the end, licking or sucking doesn't work.

 

[Brazen_Bitch]

The methodology of sexual contact between two women in no way is related to the degree of homosexuality in those two women. Queer is queer.

The tongue can accomplish little that 4 fingers and a thumb cannot achieve with greater surety and less difficulty and discomfort. The primary reason for engaging in oral sex is intimacy, as the act in itself is one of the most intimate acts possible between two women.

My ever so humble opinion.

 

[PricelessT]

That's interesting, Stella, about when you started liking performing it and receiving it. And not having enough pressure from oral sex, like even Brazen_Bitch seemed to touch on, is very understandable.

Brazen_Bitch, I've thought about the efficiency of fingers vs. the tongue too. A lot of people have, of course. But there are women out there who say that oral sex feels better than fingers and that they can only orgasm from oral, so I'm not so sure about intimacy being the main reason for oral sex. At least not for some people. Plus, it's just a bigger turn-on for some individuals, such as men who can't seem to do without it for even a day and constantly beg their sexual partners for it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Also, i was always secretly convinced that there was a Special Way To Do It that I didn't know. I honestly did not know any experienced lesbians in my teens-- I had to make shit up, and i was very convinced that i was making things up wrong.

I would have had a happier youth if there had been an internet around, which is one reason I spend so much energy on advice to newbs now.

 

[Safe_Bet]

The methodology of sexual contact between two women in no way is related to the degree of homosexuality in those two women. Queer is queer.

The tongue can accomplish little that 4 fingers and a thumb cannot achieve with greater surety and less difficulty and discomfort. The primary reason for engaging in oral sex is intimacy, as the act in itself is one of the most intimate acts possible between two women.

My ever so humble opinion.

**Vigorously nods head in agreement**

How my lover gets me off or how I get her off doesnt have fuckall to do with either of our orientations or sexuality. It has to do with what works best for US!

 

[PricelessT]

I probably made my initial post too long, but other posts that are about that long have had successful threads and I wanted to thoroughly lay out the issue and show that there are lesbians who believe that lesbians should like oral sex. And judging by the poll, unless it's just trolling, there are already votes for that belief. If genuine, I wish that those posters would weigh in. I know that a lot of women here have something to say about this issue, since it's sometimes a heated topic in other LGBT forums. So, women, do weigh in. I understand not wanting to be attacked for this belief, but discussing it can be a good thing to see why some lesbians and other WSWs feel this way. Like I stated, I welcome men to comment too. For example: Men, is this -- oral sex -- your first thought when you think of lesbianism, and, if so, why?

 

[Kurokami]

Well, my girlfriend's not exactly a huge fan of going down on my wife, mostly for practical reasons that have been suggested here; she's got far better control with her fingers that her tongue, and we all certainly enjoy that fact. She'll use her mouth if she's told to, because she's a submissive little dear, but generally speaking we either employ teamwork (because nobody like to be excluded ) or she uses her hands. Does that make her any less of a true woman-lover? No, and taking even a glance at her and my wife in flagrante delicto proves that pretty well.

Though I am pretty interested in why this is a discussion at all: why is oral sex the go to act we seem to have in our minds when we think of girl on girl? There's quite a few other ways to go about it, after all. To me, it seems like a leftover from an old stereotype, like linking gay men exclusively to anal sex. Just some slightly aberrant, not vanilla sexual practice that's just another license to make fun of them.

Seems odd that it's gotten tangled up in some folk's minds and become an authentic requirement for "true lesbianism," though. I guess that's the way the mind works, though; get fed bullshit for long enough and it becomes a part of your reality.

 

[bg23]

I think claiming a woman is less of a lesbian because she doesn't enjoy oral sex makes about as much sense as claiming a man is less straight because he doesn't like oral sex.

Some straight men don't like giving head. Some lesbians don't like giving head. The enjoyment of a sex act doesn't determine your sexuality, it's what you're romantically interested in, right?

 

[haurni]

Men, is this -- oral sex -- your first thought when you think of lesbianism, and, if so, why?

Frankly, when I think of two women together, the first thing I think of is kissing (the first thing I'd think of when contemplating two men together is oral sex).

Some people just don't like it, for whatever reason, be it societal conditioning or something else. I think people should encourage their partners to try new things, but some things just won't fly and so be it. I've discovered I like performing anilingus on my girlfriend and would love for her to do it to me, but I'm not going to push if she's not interested. I've found that fingers can work as well as tongue when it comes to pleasuring a woman, but which is 'better' on any given occasion probably depends on mood, sensitivity, time of the month and other factors. People will do what they want and like to do and there's no 'requirement' to engage in certain acts just to get your lesbian card stamped.

 

[blueberree]

fingers are really nice

There are times I like oral, but I really enjoy her fingers. Much more powerful and then I'm not worried her mouth is getting tired and that gets in the way if I think about that.

There's something to the concept of coverage and tongue and fingers are really quite nice.

 

[PricelessT]

Thanks, guys, for the answers. As you can see, there are currently more votes that oral sex is required to be a lesbian/a woman truly sexually interested in women. Do I disagree with this belief and find it ridiculous? Yes, for the reasons I suggested in my initial post/all of your reasons. But I also said that I'm not here to argue strongly for either side and that I just wanted views on it, to see why this belief is held by some, and I meant that.

It's apparent that the people who voted "Yes," you should like and/or perform oral sex in order to be a lesbian/any woman into woman aren't going to weigh in here or are intimidated about weighing in here. That and the general silence this thread has generated just goes to show how controversial this topic is. Of course, some or all of the votes could also only be trolling votes as well (votes by men or women just voting that way to get a certain reaction), like I mentioned, but the current almost-silence likely tells another story.

About the pressure of oral against the genitals, though, I do want to note that lips (and teeth, for some) and the pressure one can apply with them is sometimes enough to produce the desired effect that the tongue alone cannot.

 

[Kurokami]

About the pressure of oral against the genitals, though, I do want to note that lips (and teeth, for some) and the pressure one can apply with them is sometimes enough to produce the desired effect that the tongue alone cannot.

Ideally one would use all of the above. Most of us do have the luxury of choice in that regard

 

[PricelessT]

LOL. Well, yes, I believe that most people use lips too when they perform oral. I just wanted to note that pressure can be maximized with the lips and/or teeth. We can also used our head to press our lips down harder, although lips and head pressure may never feel as hard as the fingers to some.

 

[Kurokami]

LOL. Well, yes, I believe that most people use lips too when they perform oral. I just wanted to note that pressure can be maximized with the lips and/or teeth. We can also used our head to press our lips down harder, although lips and head pressure may never feel as hard as the fingers to some.

Oh, I was talking about fingers and the entire mouth. Might look a little awkward, if you're dead set on both at the same time, but you could alternate too

 

[Safe_Bet]

Ideally one would use all of the above. Most of us do have the luxury of choice in that regard

EXACTLY!!!


It's not like my hands are tied behind my back when I eat pussy and I certainly can find places to use my mouth that help my lover get off when PRIMARILY using my fingers or, gawd forbid - cuz I sure didn't see it mentioned, a toy or "accessory".

But however I please my lover, or she pleases me, NONE OF IT has a gawd damn thing to do with whether I'm a lesbian or not. The whole premise is rediculous, IMO.

I mean, so if the poll results/comments (taken on a porn story site so they might be slightly skewed ) had been heavily weighed towards "you gotta love eating pussy to be a dyke" then would that mean that EVERYONE who enjoys doing it (both men and women) are secretly/openly lesbians, just most of them don't know it? That's seriously WAY too much apple + orange = pear thinking for me to buy any of it.

 

[PricelessT]

Thanks for clarifying, Kurokami. I definitely agree. Not sure why I had a dumb moment and missed that you were talking about fingers, except to say that my statement you were quoting didn't mention fingers. A lot of us (maybe even most) certainly use fingers and the whole mouth when performing oral sex, whether alternately or at the same time.

And, Safe_Bet, while we don't agree often, we certainly agree on this topic. I appreciate you weighing in.

 

[Stella_Omega]

About the pressure of oral against the genitals, though, I do want to note that lips (and teeth, for some) and the pressure one can apply with them is sometimes enough to produce the desired effect that the tongue alone cannot.

Or the chin. Or-- damn, just shove your forehead up against my clit, please and thank you


Wednesday was our second ever official play party whoo hoo! I got SOOO lucky-- started off with a serious massage, that turned into an erotic one. And I loved every minute of it-- but I had to ask for rougher treatment after a while. I keep forgetting that there are REASONS WHY I don't do vanilla most of the time-- I needed to have my pussy slapped and my nipples pinched before I could really get close to orgasm. My wires are crossed.

 

[blueberree]

Or the chin. Or-- damn, just shove your forehead up against my clit, please and thank you


Wednesday was our second ever official play party whoo hoo! I got SOOO lucky-- started off with a serious massage, that turned into an erotic one. And I loved every minute of it-- but I had to ask for rougher treatment after a while. I keep forgetting that there are REASONS WHY I don't do vanilla most of the time-- I needed to have my pussy slapped and my nipples pinched before I could really get close to orgasm. My wires are crossed.

Lucky friend!

Monday, my friend bit my nipple pretty hard. It surprised me, and it hurt. She kept doing it and it was unpleasant. Yet, I probably reached orgasm a lot sooner than usual.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Two friends-- and three other women who wandered in and wandered out again.

I am slowly getting this group used to the idea of playing sexually. None of them have any problem playing in a BDSM sense, and about five women are like me-- interested in getting our fuck on from the getgo. Each party one or two more women try the concept on for size. I think we are up to eight now... twenty-four to go...

 

[blueberree]

Two friends-- and three other women who wandered in and wandered out again.

I am slowly getting this group used to the idea of playing sexually. None of them have any problem playing in a BDSM sense, and about five women are like me-- interested in getting our fuck on from the getgo. Each party one or two more women try the concept on for size. I think we are up to eight now... twenty-four to go...

Interesting! I've never moved beyond one at a time. But the 5 you mention...perhaps that isn't as rare as I thought. For whatever reason maybe women don't give themselves permission to do so.

As I get older, I have less patience for the long extended build up.