Normal? Fingering Issues.

[TheDivineRose]

I'm 18.
I'm a virgin (sadly)
I have no access to money/dildos/boys.
Just me.

I get off well to porn, stimulating my nipples, and humping things. Yet every time I try to finger myself my body gets turned off, even when I tell it not too. I've been told sex is very painful the first time and I'm afraid of "popping the cherry" before I'm ready. But fingering isn't supposed to hurt is it? I can have an orgasm in the middle of a classroom of people without touching myself or making a face, but alone in my bedroom I have trouble.

Am I unnaturally tight so that even my small hands hurt? Or (I'm in psychology so this is a new theory) is it that I'm subconsciously afraid of accidentally taking my own virginity?

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[LegsApart]

Maybe you should please urself starting with ur breasts and clit, before u jump to the pussy..... have u tried that ?

 

[TheDivineRose]

Yes. I can pleasure myself in many many ways and get very turned on, but the minute I try to play with my pussy its like hitting the "off" switch. When I just rub around it its incredible, but heaven forbid I try to put anything inside it.

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

welcome to our lil world! particularly a fellow carolinian (even though i'm not currently there, it is home).

i'm probably not the best to engage you in this question, but you raise the issue of losing your virginity - are you afraid? do you want to save your hymen for some guy to break? does it bother you that the first time you have intercourse your hymen may already be broken? do you think the guy will care? is it the hymen that bothers you or the thought of the pain?

 

[TheDivineRose]

Both bother me.
I want it to be special, since it will only happen once, and I'm hoping that it will be special for him too. I'm afraid that it will hurt so much I might not want to continue and that makes me afraid if I'll hurt the guys feelings or ruin my first time over it.
I want to loose my virginity, can't wait. I just want the right guy and I want to be better prepared for the pain (since I'm obviously not).

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

Divinerose...just relax. Don't worry about the pain. Focus on being in love with the right person and showing eachother how much you love eachother. If he's the right person, he'll go slowly with you, make sure you're WAY aroused, etc. and the pain will be minimal and well worth the experience.

Don't be in too big a hurry to lose your virginity. You only get to lose it one time and you can't get it back.

Remember: Confucious says: Losing virginity like popping balloon. One prick and it's all over.

I have been with a few girls who were virgins when we did it. We BOTH made it awesome experiences for EACHOTHER and it was beautiful and fun! Was there some pain involved? Yes. Were the girls happy both during the experience and when it was over with? Yes.

Many women have a terrible first experience. I'm surprised how many frankly, but that's all the more reason to search high and low for just the right person to be with for your first time.

Good luck.

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

Personally, I think the hymen takes on a more important symbolic role than it deserves. But, I am not a woman, plus I've never had sex with a virgin, so I am out of my league here!

but I do think one's first time is more about the connection with the guy, then the hymen. I did once have a gf who had sex once before and she was very tight. when we would make out she would get very wet and would orgasm when i went down on her, but as soon as we would start to have intercourse she would dry up. The painful first experience and her fear of more pain due to her tightness seemed to play on her mind.

I bought her several different sized vibrators and we used those, starting small and working our way up. after a few weeks she became used to the penetration and soon we were having very hot intercourse.

be patient, but don't let the subconscious control the body. sounds like you are on your way though - being aware and open about your desires and fears.

 

[CWatson]

Keep in mind that if anything has ever gone inside you--just about anything, from tampons to exploratory fingers to OB/GYN implements--you are technically no longer a virgin. The hymen is right there at the entrance to your vagina, and there is no way to avoid it. (Obviously, the symbolic aspects of first intercourse with a man are completely different, but from a physiological standpoint...)

Also, when you say "fingering," what do you mean? (AV notwithstanding, I'm actually a guy, and my hands-on experience is limited.) Actual penetration, or just, I dunno, scooting around on the vulva? If the former, you might be one of those girls with an extra-strong hymen. Some women have to get them surgically removed or something like that.

And, like I said, I've got the Y-chromosomes and dangly bits, so all of this comes with a hefty dose of Or So I Heard. *wry smile*

Welcome to Lit.

 

[TheDivineRose]

Thank you all so much for your advice I'm glad I came here for help.

 

[SweetErika]

Personally, I think the hymen takes on a more important symbolic role than it deserves. But, I am not a woman, plus I've never had sex with a virgin, so I am out of my league here!

Well, I am a woman, and I couldn't agree more!

In this culture at least, a woman is best off getting rid of her own hymen (if she still has one) through gentle stretching with plenty of lube prior to having sex for the first time. Less anticipation of pain translates to being more relaxed and less actual pain.

The hymen has NOTHING to do with how much of virgin a woman is... that is a silly notion that was likely first conjured up by men and has persisted because enough women have bought into it.

Anyway, TDR, you've gotten some excellent advice so far. I'd also suggest that if you haven't had a pelvic exam yet, you should go ahead and get your first (at least as an adult) out of the way. You can, and should, ask the doctor/nurse any questions you might have about your hymen or body in general. If there is a physical problem (e.g. your hymen is unusually thick or large), you can address it well before you have sex. It'll give you a few less things to worry about when it comes to losing your virginity.

Barring a problem with an unusual hymen or similar, I can assure you your tightness is due to a simple lack of muscle relaxation. If you combat your worries and focus on relaxing fully (sometimes it helps to tighten and relax completely over and over and/or push "out" with those muscles) and use plenty of lube, you shouldn't have any problem putting multiple fingers in there. The vagina is very elastic (even yours can probably accommodate a rather large baby, nevermind penis or toy!).

Being comfortable with your body and penetration will make your first time much easier physically. I had a little discomfort due to being tense at first, but there was no pain whatsoever.

I think you're totally on the right track in waiting for someone you really like and know well, BTW - that'll make it far easier, too!

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

Thank you all so much for your advice I'm glad I came here for help.

Will gladly offer my services to make closer inspection of your hymen

 

[infinity706]

Well, I am a woman, and I couldn't agree more!

In this culture at least, a woman is best off getting rid of her own hymen (if she still has one) through gentle stretching with plenty of lube prior to having sex for the first time. Less anticipation of pain translates to being more relaxed and less actual pain.

The hymen has NOTHING to do with how much of virgin a woman is... that is a silly notion that was likely first conjured up by men and has persisted because enough women have bought into it.

Anyway, TDR, you've gotten some excellent advice so far. I'd also suggest that if you haven't had a pelvic exam yet, you should go ahead and get your first (at least as an adult) out of the way. You can, and should, ask the doctor/nurse any questions you might have about your hymen or body in general. If there is a physical problem (e.g. your hymen is unusually thick or large), you can address it well before you have sex. It'll give you a few less things to worry about when it comes to losing your virginity.

Barring a problem with an unusual hymen or similar, I can assure you your tightness is due to a simple lack of muscle relaxation. If you combat your worries and focus on relaxing fully (sometimes it helps to tighten and relax completely over and over and/or push "out" with those muscles) and use plenty of lube, you shouldn't have any problem putting multiple fingers in there. The vagina is very elastic (even yours can probably accommodate a rather large baby, nevermind penis or toy!).

Being comfortable with your body and penetration will make your first time much easier physically. I had a little discomfort due to being tense at first, but there was no pain whatsoever.

I think you're totally on the right track in waiting for someone you really like and know well, BTW - that'll make it far easier, too!

I have a feeling, the hymen thing was probably more created by a woman looking to attract the top picks to offer to marry her. Afterall, marriage was very important to a woman in the past, so getting a quality guy would be a priority.

Otherwise, great advice as always.

 

[Zoots_owner]

I have a feeling, the hymen thing was probably more created by a woman looking to attract the top picks to offer to marry her. Afterall, marriage was very important to a woman in the past, so getting a quality guy would be a priority.

I'm glad you inserted that emoticon, or I might not have thought that you were joking.

 

[sunandshadow]

I'm not an extreme feminist, but I have to say, the existence of hymens has totally been used by men to control women throughout history, and women would be better off if it didn't exist.

That aside, a cheap basic dildo can cost less that $15 and if that's still a problem phallic objects are everywhere, from the handles of various household object to nerf arrows/swords, to the pestle part of mortar and pestles. Just adopt one (preferably smooth, waterproof, not too thick) and keep it clean, and try humping against it and rubbing it against your clit to get comfortable with it. Don't worry about trying to insert it, but try to get to the point where it feels nice to rub around your (thoroughly-lubed) labia minora. That might feel neutral to some women, but it definitely shouldn't hurt or be off-putting.

 

[infinity706]

I'm glad you inserted that emoticon, or I might not have thought that you were joking.

I wasn't joking. A lot of people today don't understand, but once upon a time in history, things were very different. If a woman didn't end up getting married, she only had a couple options. 1 she could live with her father/brother for the rest of her life 2 she could become a prostitute 3 she could literally be out begging for money/food At some points in history women were considered as much property as a horse or a lantern. Yes, it sounds rediculous today, but things are very different now. When you think about it like that, you might be able to see how it could have actually originated with a woman. Afterall, when those are your options, getting a good husband becomes a top priority.

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

I wasn't joking. A lot of people today don't understand, but once upon a time in history, things were very different. If a woman didn't end up getting married, she only had a couple options. 1 she could live with her father/brother for the rest of her life 2 she could become a prostitute 3 she could literally be out begging for money/food At some points in history women were considered as much property as a horse or a lantern. Yes, it sounds rediculous today, but things are very different now. When you think about it like that, you might be able to see how it could have actually originated with a woman. Afterall, when those are your options, getting a good husband becomes a top priority.

Can't help but wonder what history books you've been reading? What time period are you talking about? what culture?

 

[Plainly_Jane]

I wasn't joking. A lot of people today don't understand, but once upon a time in history, things were very different. If a woman didn't end up getting married, she only had a couple options. 1 she could live with her father/brother for the rest of her life 2 she could become a prostitute 3 she could literally be out begging for money/food At some points in history women were considered as much property as a horse or a lantern. Yes, it sounds rediculous today, but things are very different now. When you think about it like that, you might be able to see how it could have actually originated with a woman. Afterall, when those are your options, getting a good husband becomes a top priority.

Somehow I doubt very much that the idea of holding up the bloody bed sheets the morning after a wedding (as proof of the bride's virginity up until that night) was an idea that originated with a woman.

 

[WriterDom]

Are you sure you are going in the right hole?

 

[Zoots_owner]

I wasn't joking. A lot of people today don't understand, but once upon a time in history, things were very different. If a woman didn't end up getting married, she only had a couple options. 1 she could live with her father/brother for the rest of her life 2 she could become a prostitute 3 she could literally be out begging for money/food At some points in history women were considered as much property as a horse or a lantern. Yes, it sounds rediculous today, but things are very different now. When you think about it like that, you might be able to see how it could have actually originated with a woman. Afterall, when those are your options, getting a good husband becomes a top priority.

Since my undergrad major was history, with a concentration on Europe in late antiquity to the high middle ages, I'm actually kind of familiar with the subject.

The position of women was as you said in some countries, but not in others. In Sumeria/Babylon/Assyria, for example, women could own property in the own right, and run businesses. Same in the Celtic countries. As for whether they had to have intact hymens to marry well, that also varied greatly. In the Germanic countries in the 2nd century, maybe so, statements by Roman historians are doubtful, since their intent may have been to criticize the promiscuity of their own society by contrasting it with a (possibly unreal) portrayal of another culture. In Assyria, Herodotus recorded that every woman was required to serve as a temple prostitute on behalf of the goddess Mylitta/Ninlil, and it's generally believed that this was most often done before marriage. In Arabia in the 7th century, a common way that marriages were arranged was for the bride-to-be to select up to 9 males of her liking, and invite them all to a gang bang. If she didn't conceive right away, she'd repeat this process until she did. When the baby was born, she'd then approach the participant of her choice, and claim him as the father, and as her husband. This form of marriage was called Nikah Ijtimah, should you wish to google it.

The only places where claims of virginity seemed to matter were those where primogeniture had become the rule. There, a man might be quite annoyed if his new wife soon gave birth to a son who looked nothing like him, since that son would inherit virtually everything he had, or would ever accumulate during his lifetime. So guys obsessed over making sure that they were the biological parent of at least their first son. Paired with the medieval view of women as property, and some religious influences thrown in for good measure, it became the prevailing custom in the European upper classes. Those who had little property didn't care very much, so you find plenty of folksongs about premarital sex, and a rate of birth out of wedlock that was higher than it is even now. In Islamic countries, attitudes became more severe than in Europe, as a result of religious laws governing families and sex. In parts of North Africa, the wedding celebration isn't complete until the couple has retreated into a tent, from which the groom emerges a while later, carrying a bloody sheet. However, less than half of women bleed significantly the first time,* so one must assume that a lot of these are faked to meet the expectations of wedding guests and preserve the reputations of those involved.

If you have historical evidence which contradicts mine, I'd be interested in hearing it.

-----
*reference: McCann, J; Rosas, A. and Boos, S. (2003) "Child and adolescent sexual assaults (childhood sexual abuse)" in Payne-James, Jason; Busuttil, Anthony and Smock, William (eds). Forensic Medicine: Clinical and Pathological Aspects, Greenwich Medical Media: London, 460.

 

[infinity706]

No, that's what I was aiming at, too. I just didn't want to go into too much detail because I end up writing an essay. I think the hymen idea originated with a woman in a virginity obsessed society as a way to get the upper hand on other women and spread by inter culture trading. Obviously, it would end up getting changed around in some ways as it spread, just like a rumor, though.

 

[poppy_cock]

Hmm.

It does sound like you're more scared than you really ought to be. Don't get me wrong, losing your virginity is a big deal--but it's not that much of a big deal. Falling in love, being with the right partner, etc., etc.--much more of a big deal.

I'm wondering whether you're touching yourself too vigorously. The clit is incredibly sensitive. Most of us girls can't bear to have it touched directly in the early stages of arousal. Have you tried stroking that area through your panties, i.e., avoiding direct contact? Are you saying that you haven't orgasmed through touching yourself between your legs?

As others have said, you might be that rare woman who has an over-thickened hymen but that is quite unusual. If you're able to use tampons without any difficulty then that is unlikely to be the case. And I know it sounds daft, but have you ever looked at yourself down there, checked out where everything is? Get a mirror, lie down on your bed, draw up your knees and take a look. Get to know your body. What it looks like, what you're touching. There's nothing untoward about that, you wouldn't think twice about checking your mouth after brushing your teeth, now would you?

And as SweetErica says (and she always gives fantastic advice ), go have that first pelvic exam. I know it sounds embarrassing, but believe me, they've seen it before--they've seen everything, LOL.

In the meantime, just explore--gently. There's no need to rush, no need to get panicky that you must be doing something wrong. You almost certainly aren't doing anything wrong. You may just have unrealistic expectations. And incidentally, vaginal stimulation alone is unlikely to do a great deal for you. It might--but stimulating the clit's much more likely to result in the big O...

Have fun experimenting!

 

[Zoots_owner]

I think the hymen idea originated with a woman in a virginity obsessed society as a way to get the upper hand on other women and spread by inter culture trading.

Morocco, where display of bloody sheets is expected, is the same place that a female friend of mine from college complained she couldn't see much of, since any women traveling there without a male escort might as well have a "rape me" sign on her back. And, as we're agreeing, obsession with hymens is only found in entirely male-dominated societies. Neither your interpretation or mine would make sense in a non-patriarchal society.

Under Sharia, for example, aside from confessing to the crime, there are only two ways to be convicted of adultery, the penalty for which is stoning to death. Either 4 reliable, male, Muslim witnesses have to come forward saying that they saw the actual act of penetration (this never happens, naturally), or the accused becomes pregnant (which happens quite a lot). In a recent batch of cases in Iran, for example, there were 8 women convicted along with 1 man. I have a hard time believing that, with 1300 years to improve their lot, women had enough clout to cause an international reverence for hymens, yet were unable to accomplish any more effective means of alleviating their plight. One would think that they'd have developed a more useful meme.

"Though destitute of virtue or seeking pleasure elsewhere, or devoid of good qualities, yet a husband must be constantly worshiped as a god by a faithful wife."
"If a wife, proud of the greatness of her relatives or [her own] excellence, violates the duty which she owes to her lord, the king shall cause her to be devoured by dogs in a place frequented by many." -- Laws of Manu, V, 154, and VIII, 371

 

[angle1984]

Keep in mind that if anything has ever gone inside you--just about anything, from tampons to exploratory fingers to OB/GYN implements--you are technically no longer a virgin. The hymen is right there at the entrance to your vagina, and there is no way to avoid it. (Obviously, the symbolic aspects of first intercourse with a man are completely different, but from a physiological standpoint...)

The hymen does not cover the entire entrance of your vagina. It is entirely possible to put a finger there or tampon or whatever and still have your hymen intact

 

[VividDesires]

I was actually chuckling about something similar to this the other day. When I was younger, I always thought that orgasms just came from shoving something (anything phallic) up my puss. Of course nothing could be further from the truth! Sex can hurt regardless if you are a virgin or not--(I've had sex with many men and can only handle a certain sized cock, or I am in pain.) For many women orgasms start in our brain first. Get in the mood mentally and it will help you get in the mood physically.

 

[SubNebGuy]

Everything I've read on this topic would suggest you're simply psyching yourself out, likely due to your natural fear of the unknown, and our country's 'moral taboos'.

what i mean is: America was founded by a bunch of uptight, asexual prudes. even today all of this 'sex is bad' morality gets shoved down our throats. Abstinence programs stem from these religious right-wingers (Sarah Palin????)

Anyhow, the point is, you need to get over your own worries to make this happen. I'm afraid if you don't, your first time with another person will be equally awkward/scary/'off button' situation again.

there's nothing dirty or wrong about sex or masturbating. there's tons of infants and toddlers that seem "overly pre-occupied" with fondling themselves or rubbing against things...and there's nothing more innocent than a child...so how can this be sinful? Its not! Its natural! Some people just learn really early about it.

Keep working on overcoming your fears. Don't stop when you feel like the 'off button' was pressed...surge forward and you'll probably find the on button again without much trouble