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- Thread starter LdyOnyx
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OT
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2002
- Posts
- 893
your link: My Odyssey
directions for posting a link:
When you view your poem, look at the top of your browser for an adress line.
Cut the address line of your poem and paste it here, and you'll get an ugly (but usable) link, like so
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70017
if you put it inside some markup language,
**substitute square brackets for the parens: '[' for '(' and '] 'for ')' in the line below, you'll get a pretty link like at the top of this post**
(URL=http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70017)My Odyssey(/URL)
directions for posting a link:
When you view your poem, look at the top of your browser for an adress line.
Cut the address line of your poem and paste it here, and you'll get an ugly (but usable) link, like so
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70017
if you put it inside some markup language,
**substitute square brackets for the parens: '[' for '(' and '] 'for ')' in the line below, you'll get a pretty link like at the top of this post**
(URL=http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70017)My Odyssey(/URL)
OT
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2002
- Posts
- 893
RE: feedback
LdyOnyx,
Here are a few things that jumped out at me:
(apologies in advance if I come across as harsh -- my intent is honesty and clarity)
My first reaction was confusion.
Waiting for a Sirens to return from war ? I thought a Siren is sea nymph luring sailors to destruction or a seductive woman.
"active war" feels awkward. What other kinds of war are there?
The forth stanza: Painfully longing for food in a poem about longing for someone to return seems very out of place. It would be OK to work in the loss of appetite and feeling weak, but maybe stop short of "longing" for food. If everything around it strong, then you can get by with a "close" rhyme (meal/ill), but in this case it doesn't work.
At the very end, you introduce quarrels. Until then, it was about sadness and longing. It's a great line, I like the way it sounds.
If it belongs, then maybe introduce more inner struggles (quarrels) earlier to set the stage for it)
LdyOnyx,
Here are a few things that jumped out at me:
(apologies in advance if I come across as harsh -- my intent is honesty and clarity)
My first reaction was confusion.
Waiting for a Sirens to return from war ? I thought a Siren is sea nymph luring sailors to destruction or a seductive woman.
"active war" feels awkward. What other kinds of war are there?
The forth stanza: Painfully longing for food in a poem about longing for someone to return seems very out of place. It would be OK to work in the loss of appetite and feeling weak, but maybe stop short of "longing" for food. If everything around it strong, then you can get by with a "close" rhyme (meal/ill), but in this case it doesn't work.
At the very end, you introduce quarrels. Until then, it was about sadness and longing. It's a great line, I like the way it sounds.
If it belongs, then maybe introduce more inner struggles (quarrels) earlier to set the stage for it)
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
links
Another way to provide a 'pretty' link your story/poem-
When you are in the box in which you write your replies, click on the tab which says http:// on top of the box. A window pops up in which you write 'My Odyssey' and then in the next window you copy and paste the link (which you get from the address bar when you have your poem open.) By doing this, the result inside your reply box will be exactly what OT showed.
I really hope I haven't confused you further...
Another way to provide a 'pretty' link your story/poem-
When you are in the box in which you write your replies, click on the tab which says http:// on top of the box. A window pops up in which you write 'My Odyssey' and then in the next window you copy and paste the link (which you get from the address bar when you have your poem open.) By doing this, the result inside your reply box will be exactly what OT showed.
I really hope I haven't confused you further...
to clarify
This poem is written for a "certain someone"...I can understand the confustion...I like to let my readers have a shot interpreting the poem for themselves..since you have many questions, I will break it down for you...
For now I'll have to wait
On this merchant shore
Waiting for the Sirens
To return for active war.
The Sirens is a ship (represents that someone mentioned above...). I await its return. (The war represents our seperation...)
I sit in constant pressure
At every risen sail
Hoping that the morning sun
Will light its homeward trail.
Eyes are always searching
I never get much sleep
The hypnotic current sings to me
And holds me in its keep.
I hardly have the time
To eat a decent meal
My body’s weak and painfully longs
For food to calm its ill.
This stanza is self explainatory to me..
It has been too long
Since I’ve seen the light of day
My eyes have use for nothing
But to watch the silent bay.
The ocean breeze sends peace
To warm my aching need
And still I cast its feeble tries
And allow my heart to bleed.
You didn't have any comments about these lines, but I'd still like to explain...
The ocean breeze represented the people who supported and tried to comfort me during this painful ordeal.
True, I say to you
I know not why I wait
I haven’t seen the Sirens yet
And I fear its much too late.
So leave me with my quarrels
Along this merchant shore
Waiting for my Sirens
For now, Forever more...
The quarrels are within myself...
Also, I'd like to explain why I called the ship The Sirens ...You are very clever...The Sirens were beatiful nymps who lored ship to their watery death...Thus naming the ship The Sirens lets the reader know that this ship was never destined to come back...(even if I wanted him to)
I hope this help you understand the poem further...This poem like many of my others are personal in nature and was designed to provoke some pondering about its meaning...
thanks for the feedback..
LdyOnyx
Also, thanks OT, Angeline, and damppanties for the info about pasting my links...
This poem is written for a "certain someone"...I can understand the confustion...I like to let my readers have a shot interpreting the poem for themselves..since you have many questions, I will break it down for you...
For now I'll have to wait
On this merchant shore
Waiting for the Sirens
To return for active war.
The Sirens is a ship (represents that someone mentioned above...). I await its return. (The war represents our seperation...)
I sit in constant pressure
At every risen sail
Hoping that the morning sun
Will light its homeward trail.
Eyes are always searching
I never get much sleep
The hypnotic current sings to me
And holds me in its keep.
I hardly have the time
To eat a decent meal
My body’s weak and painfully longs
For food to calm its ill.
This stanza is self explainatory to me..
It has been too long
Since I’ve seen the light of day
My eyes have use for nothing
But to watch the silent bay.
The ocean breeze sends peace
To warm my aching need
And still I cast its feeble tries
And allow my heart to bleed.
You didn't have any comments about these lines, but I'd still like to explain...
The ocean breeze represented the people who supported and tried to comfort me during this painful ordeal.
True, I say to you
I know not why I wait
I haven’t seen the Sirens yet
And I fear its much too late.
So leave me with my quarrels
Along this merchant shore
Waiting for my Sirens
For now, Forever more...
The quarrels are within myself...
Also, I'd like to explain why I called the ship The Sirens ...You are very clever...The Sirens were beatiful nymps who lored ship to their watery death...Thus naming the ship The Sirens lets the reader know that this ship was never destined to come back...(even if I wanted him to)
I hope this help you understand the poem further...This poem like many of my others are personal in nature and was designed to provoke some pondering about its meaning...
thanks for the feedback..
LdyOnyx
Also, thanks OT, Angeline, and damppanties for the info about pasting my links...
Last edited:
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