Nonconsent feedback wanted

[Recidiva]

This is my first try at nonconsent. I'm not all that well versed in this category, so I'd like some feedback if possible.

Turnabout is the name.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=564441&page=submissions

It is - if not blissfully - short.

I'd particularly like feedback if this is your thing. If this is not your thing, please avert your eyes.

I have a question as to whether or not it actually qualifies...you might see why.

I might have cheated, I might have been clever. I might have been something else.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

(note: I sent this to Recidiva earlier today as a PM)

Whatever else, please remember these are just my humble opinions and worth every penny you paid for 'em. I'm convinced there is only one unbreakable rule for writing successful commerical fiction: Don't bore the reader. Your writing does not bore, trust me.

RECI: Stirring a gin and tonic with a swizzle stick, the rest of her WAS still except for the distinct deep breathing that made her cleavage strain against the thin little nothing of a turquoise silk dress she was wearing.

RF: That’s a long awkward sentence. I like the image you’re trying to convey but the structure of the sentence weakens the impact

It begins with a prepositional phrase (I think). Odds are you did that to avoid beginning two straight sentences with “She.” There’s nothing wrong with that but a lot of editor-types think they weaken the prose and should be used very sparingly.

WAS could, and IMHO, should, be omitted.

My suggestion would be to rewrite the entire thing, breaking it into two or more sentences. You might use that to give more physical description of the woman: hair, shape, etc. Does she wear a lot of jewelry that flashes when she stirs her drink?

--

RECI: Another man made an attempt at her, drawn by a quality of slink and unreachability that was almost like the challenge of a sword thrust in a stone, begging for someone to come pull her out of her mood, make her smile, take her home.

This ONE was different from the rest of the daunted from the earlier evening. There were no attempts to flatter, charm or amuse.

RF: I like “slink” but I’m not sure the simile of “unreachabilty” LIKE the sword in the stone works. After all, the sword can be reached, just not removed.

In the second paragraph, “…the rest of the daunted from the earlier evening,” feels awkward. One thing you could do is omit the entire sentence and begin the next with something like, “Unlike those daunted earlier, this one made no attempt to flatter, charm, or amuse.

--

RECI: Her brows drew together in a storm and she said "Excuse me?"

RF: There should be a comma after, said. However, I’d suggest placing a period after “storm” and omitting, “…and she said.” Readers will know who’s speaking.

--

RECI: The guy turned to face her and she got a good look at him. Tall, handsome, wide shoulders, very nice body. Formidable, really. Cold. His face was twisted into a hard mask of cynicism.

RF: Last sentence first: how does she know it’s a mask?

Describing characters can be a challenge. The description of Stuart is very generic. “Tall,” for instance, is ambiguous and subjective. To someone 5’2” a six-footer is tall.

And speaking of descriptions, there are none of the bar or the woman, except she has a most impressive cleavage, though later on readers learn she has long hair. And I don’t recall any description of her husband.

Of course, there’s always a danger of spending too much time on description. But one or two items can help readers “see” the characters and the setting.

--

RECI: "Fuck you, bitch. I offered to pay. Now I'll just make sure you can't walk. This leather jacket you just ruined is worth more than anything that fine piece of ass you have could perform anyway."

RF: Try to put yourself in the role of Stuart and say those lines OUT LOUD. IMHO, the passage is too wordy for an angry man.

--

RECI: She tried to wrench her arm away, but another man stepped up behind them and put his hand over a different angle on her arm, wrenching it a little further and releasing a short gasp from her.

RF: To be honest, there’s not a lot I like about that sentence. But don’t take my word as gospel about that or any other aspect of writing. Get second or third opinions.

This should be a high-energy scene but, to me, it comes off as bland. Wouldn’t she say something? Describe the other guy. Where did he come from? Try to avoid modifiers in action scenes. For instance, drop “little” from “wrenching it a little further.”

It’s usually best to avoid repeating distinctive words in a sentence. In this case “wrench” and “wrenching” are the offenders. I’d suggest changing one.

One more thing, short sentences tend to work best in action scenes since they up-tempo the pace.

--

RECI: TOM SMILED. "She'll do anything I say. Won't you?" He dropped a kiss on the back of her neck, where her skin was prickling. "Honey." He prompted her with another twist and Mina nodded helplessly.

TOM MEETS Stuart's eyes and an accord is reached. Stuart rises and says "I like what you've done with her, I really do."

RF: “Tom smiled” is past tense. “Tom meets” is present tense. Pick one and stay with it.

Also, if taken literally, “Tom meets Stuart’s eyes” would belong in the Horror category. Editor types just love to jump on that. About all eyes can do is: glance, gaze, see, look, peek, etc..

--

Once the action moved out of the bar, the prose became smoother. That’s not uncommon. The opening, set-up section tends to give most writers trouble. Feel free to get back with me to cuss, fuss, or discuss any of this.

And feel free to get even on any of THE KISS chapters I've posted recently (see my sig).

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

In some ways I agree with Rumpy, but in this case I think the writing is more appropriate than he indicates. The bar scene IS confused. Crowded bars are always confused. I got the sense of the sounds of voices and spilled beer, which I think is what you were trying to convey.

Some of your wording was a little long, but so what? That is overshadowed by the movement of the plot from "force her" to the realization that she and her husband are really in control and "He" is only a victim.

I liked it.

 

[MarshAlien]

(Feel free to get back with me to cuss, fuss, or discuss any of this.

And feel free to get even on any of THE KISS chapters I've posted recently (see my sig).

Rumple Foreskin

You cad! You brute!

Don't worry, my lady. I shall take up your cause. <Takes off glove, slips in brick, slaps Rumple across the face.>

I too have already PMed Recidiva with my comments, and I shall not embarrass myself here by exposing the ignorance that lies behind them. I would like to say privately, diva, what I did not say privately, namely, that I really do like some of the images in your story. They include, right at the start, the "disappointed princess," the "sword in the stone," and, my favorite, the grouping of Mina's previous turn-downs as "the daunted."

Nicely done.

 

[Guest]

From an emotional POV, I really really liked it. Not my comfort zone either, but I try to give back..

Technically, others have covered this far more completely than I could have.

Great job.

Chapter 2 of my "Control" series has a rape scene (plot development) in it that I found extremely difficult to write.

*grin* It has the highest rating an the most reads.

Dirty is good. Mine felt - ugh. I was in SUCH a bad mood for a week afterwards.

 

[Recidiva]

In some ways I agree with Rumpy, but in this case I think the writing is more appropriate than he indicates. The bar scene IS confused. Crowded bars are always confused. I got the sense of the sounds of voices and spilled beer, which I think is what you were trying to convey.

Some of your wording was a little long, but so what? That is overshadowed by the movement of the plot from "force her" to the realization that she and her husband are really in control and "He" is only a victim.

I liked it.

Thank you.

It was "a bit slapdash" in Eddie Izzard voice.

I'm much more a jumbly hand-camera Blair Witch sorta writer.

I can't take credit for that being always intentional though.

 

[Recidiva]

You cad! You brute!

Don't worry, my lady. I shall take up your cause. <Takes off glove, slips in brick, slaps Rumple across the face.>

I too have already PMed Recidiva with my comments, and I shall not embarrass myself here by exposing the ignorance that lies behind them. I would like to say privately, diva, what I did not say privately, namely, that I really do like some of the images in your story. They include, right at the start, the "disappointed princess," the "sword in the stone," and, my favorite, the grouping of Mina's previous turn-downs as "the daunted."

Nicely done.

Thank you.

I'd set out to deliberately write a jacking fodder story that gives me the same sorta sensation I get when I see a sick movie scene and I think "Oh, that's so wrong" but I'll be damned but that's where my head goes next time I masturbate.

If JUST ONE person has some part of that creep in unwanted...My Job Is Done.

 

[Recidiva]

From an emotional POV, I really really liked it. Not my comfort zone either, but I try to give back..

Technically, others have covered this far more completely than I could have.

Great job.

Chapter 2 of my "Control" series has a rape scene (plot development) in it that I found extremely difficult to write.

*grin* It has the highest rating an the most reads.

Dirty is good. Mine felt - ugh. I was in SUCH a bad mood for a week afterwards.

I do think I cheated. I do. But...it still worked for me. And that's ultimately why I put it up.

My attempt to do nonconsent last year was diastrous. I kid you not, I was using Jane Eyre to justify rape. I still don't know what to do with those kids.

I didn't make the mistake of liking everyone I wrote about this time, though.

 

[jomar]

Nice little stroker with a twist! I liked your imagery and the old school detectiveish noiry tone. I half expected dames and gams and someone to slam a glass on the bar for emphasis and say let's take this outside. I liked it.

 

[Recidiva]

Nice little stroker with a twist! I liked your imagery and the old school detectiveish noiry tone. I half expected dames and gams and someone to slam a glass on the bar for emphasis and say let's take this outside. I liked it.

Thank you!

I'm so happy. That's really what I was going for.

 

[MarshAlien]

"All right, let's huddle up.

"People," he said, tapping his foot with his fists on his hips. "I promised this lovely lady that if she posted a thread in the story feedback forum, we would abuse her story, shredding it into tiny bits and allowing her to pick up its broken, tattered pieces and try, sobbing, to put it back together. And except for ol' Rumple up there, may he rest in peace after being hit in the head with a brick, what we have here is just the opposite. 'I thought it was great.' 'I loved it.' No, no, no. It's fine to say that, but then you have to add, 'except for the horrible error you made in paragraph X, where you . . .'

"Okay? Are we all on the same page now? Readyyyyyy, break!"

See, diva. I'm looking out for your interests over here. No need to thank me. Another dinner invitation will be fine...

 

[Recidiva]

"All right, let's huddle up.

"People," he said, tapping his foot with his fists on his hips. "I promised this lovely lady that if she posted a thread in the story feedback forum, we would abuse her story, shredding it into tiny bits and allowing her to pick up its broken, tattered pieces and try, sobbing, to put it back together. And except for ol' Rumple up there, may he rest in peace after being hit in the head with a brick, what we have here is just the opposite. 'I thought it was great.' 'I loved it.' No, no, no. It's fine to say that, but then you have to add, 'except for the horrible error you made in paragraph X, where you . . .'

"Okay? Are we all on the same page now? Readyyyyyy, break!"

See, diva. I'm looking out for your interests over here. No need to thank me. Another dinner invitation will be fine...

I think it's because it was a SHORT story and you and Rumple got to me first, covering most of the tone and specifics. It's because he was so thorough and you're so awesome.

Thank you.

Dinner's whenever you want.

 

[christabelll]

Yep its a quick read - not really my thang - but fun none the less.

There were a few tiny glitches in the get along - tense wise - but over all well done.
Now I have to go read more of your stuff hehehehe....

 

[Recidiva]

Yep its a quick read - not really my thang - but fun none the less.

There were a few tiny glitches in the get along - tense wise - but over all well done.
Now I have to go read more of your stuff hehehehe....

Yay! Thank you.

Yes, my tenses have been a problem. I'm getting some good editing tips though.

Now if I remember to pay attention...

 

[christabelll]

I have to say I like your style...
I read nightmare lover and "visiting hours'???
I truly enjoyed the twists and turns and the not quite but vivid sensuality

Yep you have a way with your words.... keep on writing!

 

[Recidiva]

I have to say I like your style...
I read nightmare lover and "visiting hours'???
I truly enjoyed the twists and turns and the not quite but vivid sensuality

Yep you have a way with your words.... keep on writing!

Thank you ma'am

This has been the bestest day ever. I've got to be a vicious bitch more often.

 

[christabelll]

hehehehehe - depends on the day over here.... but well timed smart ass remarks are good too.

WHile our styles are different... take a gander at my newest too please?

 

[Recidiva]

hehehehehe - depends on the day over here.... but well timed smart ass remarks are good too.

WHile our styles are different... take a gander at my newest too please?

I will, thank you

 

[Varian P]

This is my first try at nonconsent. I'm not all that well versed in this category, so I'd like some feedback if possible.

Hi Recidiva,

Sorry it's taken me so long. I eagerly read the story the day you posted this thread, but I've just managed to sit down to write a reply.

I'd particularly like feedback if this is your thing. If this is not your thing, please avert your eyes.

Gosh, which category do I fall into? Hmmm....

I have a question as to whether or not it actually qualifies...you might see why.

I might have cheated, I might have been clever. I might have been something else.

I think it qualifies. Twice. So I vote for clever. Even though the twist lets everyone off the hook on the presumptive non-con of round one, we still got to experience it all before we were given the out. And then we get the preview of what's in store for non-con victim number two.

Your opening paragraph is great; right away I'm curious to learn why the princess is disappointed, and there's a lovely cadence to your prose, there. Even though I think your opening paragraph is strong, I do think you could trim a superfluous word, here and there, that are slightly diluting your wonderful prose:

...the rest of her was still except for the distinct deep breathing that made her cleavage strain against the thin little nothing of a turquoise silk dress she was wearing. Just watching her sit there alone was too much for some, and one by one through the evening they had approached. Men came to sit beside her and by the persistence of her cold, disappointed indifference, had left one by one.

I don't think the words in red add anything to what we get from the rest of the descriptions and action, so cutting them will tighten everything up.

I was caught by many of the same images someone else mentioned—the disappointed princess, the sword in the stone, the daunted. They're all a delightful blend of pretty language and precise, apt imagery.

These didn't work as well for me:

Her brows drew together in a storm...

His face was twisted into a hard mask of cynicism

The image eyebrows storming just didn't work for me. And the face “twisting” into a hard mask of cynicism seemed off, because I see the hard mask of cynicism as sort of stoic, almost void of expression, while “twisting” suggests a lot of expression.

I liked Stuart's opening lines—they worked well in sync with the description of him. However, I kind of want you to lose that first “bitch”:

"I've seen at least four men come up here to try to jolly you out of your adorable PMS. So I'm asking you straight, bitch. How much? I've got money, I wouldn't mind fucking you."

He's creepy and sinister, already, without that overt aggressiveness. As it is now, by the time he calls her “bitch” again when she's dumped her drink on him, and when Tom calls her “bitch” a few lines later, the power of the word has worn pretty thin.

Another great image:

She flushed crimson as her husband's voice cut its way into her awareness.

As the sex scene gets underway, there's good energy and flow. There are a few awkward sentences that fudge the fluidity, here and there, though:

...painfully assaulting her body until there was nothing but waves of sensation and pain that blended into each other, twining through her nerves until the wet arousal of three people fucking hard clenched her cunt tight around Tom's cock, pushing him over the edge and driving deep into her body as he came.

We got painfully and pain in short succession, and I'd argue that pain is a sensation, so there's just a lot of redundancy eating away at your pith, there. in that second red phrase, I don't know what is driving deep into her body.

The orange phrase I love, though.

This is a little confusingly phrased, too:

She was sucking hard on his cock between slamming her head down.

And this a bit later:

His eyes lit up with humor and parroted his words he'd spoken to Stuart before "What should we do? What do you think?"

It sounds like his eyes parroted his words.

The tenor of the dialog at the very end, between Mina and Tom, doesn't seem quite right.

"Gosh, I hope he doesn't bite..."

"...Come tell me all about it. You have the best ideas."

I almost get the sense that they're true psychopaths, sort of a la “Natural Born Killers,” gleefully bantering about how they're going to torture their vigilante target, but that “gosh” and “you have the best ideas” just seems a tad too camp.

All in all, I think the plot arc of the story is delicious, that you've got some delightful prose and imagery, and that the sex was uncomfortably visceral.

I adore the idea of the turnabout (there's a pretty squicky one coming up in “After,” and even have a vague outline for a novel-length thing revolving entirely around this theme floating around in my head). I'm intrigued with your choice to show the assault of the woman in detail, but to cut away from the scene before the turnabout really happens. Actually, upon a second reading, I think I like the fade to black, and almost wish you'd just had them knock the guy out and tie him up, in the position just as you described it, but not have them discuss any specifics—just leave it all to our imagination. There's something extra creepy about the malleable blank, once someone has been rendered helpless.

Good job. Prepare to be plagiarized.

-Varian

 

[Recidiva]

Hi Recidiva,

Sorry it's taken me so long. I eagerly read the story the day you posted this thread, but I've just managed to sit down to write a reply.

Gosh, which category do I fall into? Hmmm....

Thank you!

I know! I know! Pick me! PICK ME!

I think it qualifies. Twice. So I vote for clever. Even though the twist lets everyone off the hook on the presumptive non-con of round one, we still got to experience it all before we were given the out. And then we get the preview of what's in store for non-con victim number two.

Okay, good. I really didn't want it to be an insult to the category. I just enjoyed playing with the formula so my first attempt wasn't entirely boring to write or to read.

Your opening paragraph is great; right away I'm curious to learn why the princess is disappointed, and there's a lovely cadence to your prose, there. Even though I think your opening paragraph is strong, I do think you could trim a superfluous word, here and there, that are slightly diluting your wonderful prose:

...the rest of her was still except for the distinct deep breathing that made her cleavage strain against the thin little nothing of a turquoise silk dress she was wearing. Just watching her sit there alone was too much for some, and one by one through the evening they had approached. Men came to sit beside her and by the persistence of her cold, disappointed indifference, had left one by one.

I don't think the words in red add anything to what we get from the rest of the descriptions and action, so cutting them will tighten everything up.

I was caught by many of the same images someone else mentioned—the disappointed princess, the sword in the stone, the daunted. They're all a delightful blend of pretty language and precise, apt imagery.

These didn't work as well for me:

Her brows drew together in a storm...

His face was twisted into a hard mask of cynicism

The image eyebrows storming just didn't work for me. And the face “twisting” into a hard mask of cynicism seemed off, because I see the hard mask of cynicism as sort of stoic, almost void of expression, while “twisting” suggests a lot of expression.

That's interesting, I think of cynicism as a dynamic strategy. The equivalent of someone carrying an emotional umbrella. The umbrella isn't part of the body, but is a defense from the environment. I think cynicism is a grafted-on bit of strategy, indicating the idea that what's underneath needs to be protected. I don't think people choose being cynical, it's thrust upon them because their expectations are endlessly disappointed and they can't figure out how to change their expectations. To me that means "oversensitive to the environment" and "easy to anger/hurt."

Mask for me here is reflective of my reaction to having seen death masks. I can't help but wonder what the person's face would look like smiling. It's part of my habit of mentally stripping away or adding elements from someone's personality and seeing what that does to them in theory or in practice. It's part of my "run of the mill asshole" conclusion. He's really a normal sorta guy. Not too bright, not too stupid, just used to approaching women a certain way due to his personal unresolved issues. Here she's registering the facial expression, which is indicative of the oversensitivity and ease of insulting, it's part of what makes her pick him. Also imagining what he'd look like, when that cynicism is replaced with fear or pain. I thought she would be curious enough to want to see it.

...anyway, he's hot. (I do believe I have just overthought something and underthought it simultaneously)

Though the description works for me in my personal emotional shorthand, I can see how I should expand on it or do without it altogether.

I liked Stuart's opening lines—they worked well in sync with the description of him. However, I kind of want you to lose that first “bitch”:

"I've seen at least four men come up here to try to jolly you out of your adorable PMS. So I'm asking you straight, bitch. How much? I've got money, I wouldn't mind fucking you."

He's creepy and sinister, already, without that overt aggressiveness. As it is now, by the time he calls her “bitch” again when she's dumped her drink on him, and when Tom calls her “bitch” a few lines later, the power of the word has worn pretty thin.

Again my impression of him here is "dumb." She's angered and offended him straight off, and the drink in the face is the signal to Tom that "this is the guy."

I want the con to run fast, not give him time to think, or maybe Stuart would figure out (I sure would...) that it's not such a good idea leaving a bar with these guys.

I also think I'm used to people saying "bitch" constantly. But maybe that's just to me? Hm. Internet flaming lack of originality showing through. Both men here are doing it here because it's a pattern and an agreement. Establishes Stuart as not too bright or creative and Tom as a tone mimic, speaking to him in a way he'd understand.

I really didn't want to like these guys. Though I do anyway. Just not as much as I like other characters that I've written. Lack of verbal originality on both sides showing they're not charming, introspective or particularly creative.

Another great image:

She flushed crimson as her husband's voice cut its way into her awareness.

As the sex scene gets underway, there's good energy and flow. There are a few awkward sentences that fudge the fluidity, here and there, though:

...painfully assaulting her body until there was nothing but waves of sensation and pain that blended into each other, twining through her nerves until the wet arousal of three people fucking hard clenched her cunt tight around Tom's cock, pushing him over the edge and driving deep into her body as he came.

We got painfully and pain in short succession, and I'd argue that pain is a sensation, so there's just a lot of redundancy eating away at your pith, there. in that second red phrase, I don't know what is driving deep into her body.

The orange phrase I love, though.

This is a little confusingly phrased, too:

She was sucking hard on his cock between slamming her head down.

And this a bit later:

His eyes lit up with humor and parroted his words he'd spoken to Stuart before "What should we do? What do you think?"

It sounds like his eyes parroted his words.

Eye Parrots! YAAAY!

The tenor of the dialog at the very end, between Mina and Tom, doesn't seem quite right.

"Gosh, I hope he doesn't bite..."

"...Come tell me all about it. You have the best ideas."

I almost get the sense that they're true psychopaths, sort of a la “Natural Born Killers,” gleefully bantering about how they're going to torture their vigilante target, but that “gosh” and “you have the best ideas” just seems a tad too camp.

I don't think they're true psychopaths or sociopaths, but to Stuart's eyes, he's not going to appreciate the distinction. They think they're bad, but they still have some heart and personal hurt left in their makeup. They've justified the profit they make, sexual and financial, as justice. They haven't figured out yet that it's entirely selfish. A true psychopath or sociopath - who HAS figured out that they're entirely selfish - could take those guys down in 10 seconds flat. But they'd make it last longer, for the fun of it. I'm almost interested in writing that. I think she'd know better than to pick a real frightening guy compared to a blathering asshole. The psychopath or sociopath would have to pick them and set them up. There is a mark born every minute. Considering that they do care about each other, there's a weapon to use against them.

She's almost looking at him like a mom looking at a kid sleeping "They're so cute when they sleep..." She sees herself as a teacher. An authority figure. She was never scared. Why not put masochism and sadism to good use? she wonders. She hasn't though it entirely through.

I definitely wanted the camp in with the "gosh." It's something I do myself. It's a bit of sliding in and out of character inappropriately. It is supposed to be funny and blatantly out of context. But I'm a nastier person than she is. In the way I think, if not in the way I act.

All in all, I think the plot arc of the story is delicious, that you've got some delightful prose and imagery, and that the sex was uncomfortably visceral.

I adore the idea of the turnabout (there's a pretty squicky one coming up in “After,” and even have a vague outline for a novel-length thing revolving entirely around this theme floating around in my head). I'm intrigued with your choice to show the assault of the woman in detail, but to cut away from the scene before the turnabout really happens. Actually, upon a second reading, I think I like the fade to black, and almost wish you'd just had them knock the guy out and tie him up, in the position just as you described it, but not have them discuss any specifics—just leave it all to our imagination. There's something extra creepy about the malleable blank, once someone has been rendered helpless.

I like the fade to black because it leaves it to the ramped up imagination of whoever is reading it to fill in the blanks. (ramp = rusty spoon)

I do think a lot of explicit things are best left to the imagination. I do want to get better at writing them.

Good job. Prepare to be plagiarized.

-Varian

Best. Compliment. Ever.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Not my thing...

...but I read it anyway, just 'cuz you're you *click of teeth/point of finger*

I was appropriately disturbed by the piece, which means, for me at least, you accomplished what you set out to do. In ohter words, the way you set the stage was emotionally provocative. I thought the twist was excellent, kinda old school husband/wife team...not quite Bonnie and Clyde, not quite McMillan and Wife...Roger and Jessica Rabbit maybe? Fuck it, you get the idea...

I won't belabor the finer points as others have, as they are much more savvy at picking those out than I. My only critique, is that someone much more clever than I could guess the twist by virtue of the story title.

Two enthusiastic thumbs up, thanks for the read. You owe me a jar of cilantro. ("Cut!"...my foray into this category, doesn't come close! )

 

[Recidiva]

...but I read it anyway, just 'cuz you're you *click of teeth/point of finger*

I was appropriately disturbed by the piece, which means, for me at least, you accomplished what you set out to do. In ohter words, the way you set the stage was emotionally provocative. I thought the twist was excellent, kinda old school husband/wife team...not quite Bonnie and Clyde, not quite McMillan and Wife...Roger and Jessica Rabbit maybe? Fuck it, you get the idea...

I won't belabor the finer points as others have, as they are much more savvy at picking those out than I. My only critique, is that someone much more clever than I could guess the twist by virtue of the story title.

Two enthusiastic thumbs up, thanks for the read. You owe me a jar of cilantro. ("Cut!"...my foray into this category, doesn't come close! )

Tom = Roger Rabbit.

Panicked Stuart Trying to Cut a Deal: "Seriously, what do you see in that guy?"
Mina: "He makes me laugh."

Yes, theoretically someone could figure out the twist. But so far I don't think anybody has on the title alone, because the obvious turnabout is the one applied to her.

I like the purloined letter approach, where maybe you shoulda seen it coming, but you didn't.

I think it's satisfying to be able to predict an ending, makes you feel like you're smart, but it's also satisfying to not be able to predict it and be surprised.

http://www.panix.com/~clay/cookbook/images/cilantro-3.jpg

 

[ninefe2dg]

I think it's satisfying to be able to predict an ending, makes you feel like you're smart, but it's also satisfying to not be able to predict it and be surprised.

Well put! I'd have to agree. I see what you mean, how the turnabout could be interpreted to be on her, making the cleverest of readers none the wiser.

Thanks for the greens!

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[Recidiva]

Hi there GW here I'm not qualified to comment on any grammatical errors so I wont.The only way I can comment on this story is as a reader so dont take anything i say personally. I get the idea of the story my problem is that by the end of the story I felt sorry for the victim and didn't care about the husband and wife firstly because you dont explain why they are doing this as it's pretty obvious they have done this many times before(for mia mortols like myself I have to have ideas smacked around my head to get the right idea!) so why should I care about a couple who trap victims steal their money, beat them up then blackmail them, and by the way do they do the same thing but with the husband being chatted up by women or is it just men chatting up the wife.
Anyway rant over and in case your wandering I do like Nonconsent stories but normally I have a better idea about why it's Nonconsent.
GW

The story is definitely not for everyone.

I appreciate the rant, and I agree with you.

I can't write a nonconsent story when I really care about my characters. They tend to look at me reproachfully and sigh and say "Do I really have to do that? Really? Can't I just charm the pants off them? I mean, I know I can." Ultimately when there's intelligence and humor and charm, I can't do the nonconsent thing, because I really don't get it. If it were me, nonconsent is a bit like stealing a trophy off someone else's mantel. Empty and a bit pathetic.

No, seriously, I'm trying to write a horror story right now and I can't do it. I even like my ghost. And they're telling me that they're not going to do what I planned for them to do.

I have a partial nonconsent I set up and couldn't finish, and now I have a horror that's hanging.

But on the up side, that's six "people" I like now that won't be doing anything horrible soon.

Finishing the nonconsent was a challenge I set for myself, and that's how I could get through, fast. I like it for what it is, but again it's a bit like Blair Witch Calligraphy. Then again, so am I, so it works out okay for me.

Thank you for reading