Nonchalant vs. Domineering

[Mr Blonde]

As I sift through the threads looking at material for the Dom/me calendar, I begin to notice that some dominants are extremely casual while others are so regimented that they seem more domineering than dominant.

So what do the subbies think? Of the dominants out there, how many seem too casual and how many become overbearing control freaks? Doms that fall in the middle of these extremes are probably the most desirable, but how many prefer one extreme over the other?

What do the dominants think about it as they read what other dom/mes have to say?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm personally into strength, often the quiet, understated kind, but no less dominating. To me it speaks of confidence in their own ability and power without needing to display it to the world to prove the point. As you say some are more domineering than dominating and mistake the two for one of the same, others are just sure they have to impose the most ridiculous of rules to prove they can. LOL, I once met a Dominant while I was looking who forbade the word 'no'. Not just in refusing an order, but in everything. If he asked if you wanted a drink and you said 'No, thank you', or if you had ever been to London and you said 'no', you had broken the rule and he would yell for half an hour at the top of his lungs about disobedience etc. Needless to say, I didn't bother with him....screamed insecurity to me and a sign he had many more issues which were not very dominant or safe. I later discovered my assessment had been correct and I was fortunate to have bypassed him.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Being domineering is a character flaw.

Being Dominant is a personality trait.

There are differences in how a Dominant expresses that part of his personality, just as all people are different. But a domineering person is a person with low self esteem. He domineers over others to make himself feel better and more important.

A Dominant personality has no need to do that. His self esteem is intact.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

~stalk~ Hello, Desert Rose.

 

[Netzach]

That is one creepy av, ew ew. And yet, oddly cute. wtf, I think I need a shower.


ahem...


Domineering is an interesting word, because it's so often applied to any woman who doesn't politely bat her eyes and say "of course, whatever you say."

I come out and call being an asshole being an asshole and I have no room for it in my world.

I've seen a FemDom get served a cup of coffee by a very nervous newbie french maid and pour it out demanding the blue mug instead.

Context is everything, sometimes Domineering gives the person revceiving it a massive boner.

Fits of Divatude like the above are not really my style unless I'm sure that they will be recieved with a boner, and I mean DAMN sure.

After all, if I were the maid of the evening, and someone I didn't know well pulled that on me she'd be servicing my hand across her face.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hello, Mr.Nonchalant! (The Blonde formerly nicked as Kitty with a gun)

Nice to see ya, back!! (And boy, have I been getting into a lot of trouble without you here to take out my Inner Smartypants Bitch on, on that thread which has probably disappeared by now.) Anyway, many kisses and a or two on the toes.

So dragging myself back on topic -- seems to me, domineering may be a character trait, too. Just one I don't happen to like. I'd probably make another of those 4-way chart thingies for it, though. 1. There's a kind of control freak/persnicketyness, that wants every a certain way on one end versus laissez faire Dom who doesn't care about details as long as it's been established that he picks up the reins whenever he feels like it. So detail versus overall control. The detail freak can often be seen as domineering, when really it's more about detail. Not my thing, but it does seem to appeal to others. Lots of protocol, and learning about types of knots, types of whips, etc. Again, this is one of those things that scared me away from bdsm but it does seem to appeal to a lot of other people.

As to style, there's the more quiet control type versus the 'charismatic.' The latter can often be seen as domineering. Because they may be louder or talk more. Personally, I don't have a pref on this part.

If we are just talking about someone who is domineering in the sense of needing to assert their dominance alot, it would really depend on the person as to whether it would appeal. It could just feel like attention. The nonchalant, in this sense, could feel like one was being ignored, or bring out brattiness in those of us so inclined (not naming any names )

I suspect that, like most traits, either extreme is hard to deal with. And that sometimes we think we like something different than we really like. And that we are inclined to label something 'domineering' when what we mean is 'more picky/assertive/whatever' than we, personally, have a taste for.

Cheers,

PS
(Smartass Switch (subtending type))

 

[A Desert Rose]

That is one creepy av, ew ew. And yet, oddly cute. wtf, I think I need a shower.


ahem...


Domineering is an interesting word, because it's so often applied to any woman who doesn't politely bat her eyes and say "of course, whatever you say."

I come out and call being an asshole being an asshole and I have no room for it in my world.

I've seen a FemDom get served a cup of coffee by a very nervous newbie french maid and pour it out demanding the blue mug instead.

Context is everything, sometimes Domineering gives the person revceiving it a massive boner.

Fits of Divatude like the above are not really my style unless I'm sure that they will be recieved with a boner, and I mean DAMN sure.

After all, if I were the maid of the evening, and someone I didn't know well pulled that on me she'd be servicing my hand across her face.

Context is everything and I agree with you on that point. But if one looks only at the 2 words and what they *mean,* without adding one's one biases and pretexts to it... I stand by my first post.

 

[Netzach]

And I agree with your point.

 

[A Desert Rose]

And I agree with your point.

I'm sorry, Netzach. I think I misread or misunderstood your post. ;-)

 

[Xelebes]

For those desiring to know the animated image in Blonde's av, it is called a kelet and I first recall seeing it as a logo for Genmay forums. I remember on another forum we were discussing where it was originally from and now it totally escapes me where it originally was from. All I know is that it is the mascot for GenMay.

Anywho, domineering people? I have no time for them. I'll bite back at them.

 

[Netzach]

thanks pop culture anime savvy youngster.

 

[Xelebes]

I'm not much into anime. I do know that the character was not from an Anime, just a random animation from a .gif artist trying to create the most idiotic thing he could think up of.

 

[fallon2]

Interesting

Interesting thread.
I have found, for myself, that I do not have to scream or raise my voice. I don't have to threaten but a look, a word or the tone of voice seems to work.
There have beenpain sluts who needed much more and sometimes I would refer them to others.
I do know other Masters who believe in the exact opposite but for me, everyone has their own style.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Ot: and btw...

That is one creepy av, ew ew. And yet, oddly cute. wtf, I think I need a shower.

No shit. The more I see that thing, the more I... er, ick phooey... bleh

 

[Mr Blonde]

Right, but what about the nonchalant types?

Some people seem so laidback that it borders on neglect and lack of effort. I think some submissives start discounting dominants who seem very relaxed and appear to be on auto-pilot.

At least with domineering style, it is clearly very active efforts to keep making so many demands.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Right, but what about the nonchalant types?

Some people seem so laidback that it borders on neglect and lack of effort. I think some submissives start discounting dominants who seem very relaxed and appear to be on auto-pilot.

At least with domineering style, it is clearly very active efforts to keep making so many demands.

i dont think that a dominant who appears to be nonchalant on the outside is always the same inside. I know many dominants who appear laid back but dont miss a thing. their mind is always working, eyes watching everything... and remembering every word spoken.

 

[Netzach]

I think that there is a danger though, in couples, there's a pervert equivalent of lesbian bed death that can sink in once you've captured your captive and you both realize there are bills to be paid and things to be done and it's not always logistically likely to make only the slave do them only wearing a collar and high heels.

So little by little you all get too comfortable, until you become vanilla roomates who love each other.

That's where overt rules regs systems, etc come in handy. That's where we are as a couple, realizing that there needs to be some of this going on, realizing that taking it out of the bedroom means taking it out of the bedroom.

M said "it's all or nothing, really"

And it is, I'm coming to realize. It's just easier to tune out and get blase about important things unless you dedicate yourself to them, at least in my case.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I think that there is a danger though, in couples, there's a pervert equivalent of lesbian bed death that can sink in once you've captured your captive and you both realize there are bills to be paid and things to be done and it's not always logistically likely to make only the slave do them only wearing a collar and high heels.

So little by little you all get too comfortable, until you become vanilla roomates who love each other.

That's where overt rules regs systems, etc come in handy. That's where we are as a couple, realizing that there needs to be some of this going on, realizing that taking it out of the bedroom means taking it out of the bedroom.

M said "it's all or nothing, really"

And it is, I'm coming to realize. It's just easier to tune out and get blase about important things unless you dedicate yourself to them, at least in my case.

That's why we dominants like large harems.

 

[James in Tx]

I would have to agree with Desert Rose's first point on the Domineering to a point , the point being the description of the cause of the Domineering. Some people are just assholes and some just seem to get their jollys that way.
Keep in mind that there are lots of abusive people who hide behind the title of Dominate for whatever reason. Maybe it justifies their actions in their own minds.

There seem to be more than enough submissives out there that enjoy that kind of treatment so I don't think we will see any less of the Domineering lot in this life.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Another interesting topic.....

 

[Silverlily]

I found it very interesting that this was taken in the context of what is said here. Given that, I would most likely fall into the nonchalant catagory.

I don't come here to be "The Domme". I come here to relax, have fun, and maybe learn something. And except for very rare occasions, no one here belongs to me and subsequently are not mine to dominate. My true dominant side is reserved for my pets.

 

[babiesmiles]

Great interesting thread , thank you Catalina for bumping it to newbies' benefit

Being domineering is a character flaw.

Being Dominant is a personality trait.

There are differences in how a Dominant expresses that part of his personality, just as all people are different. But a domineering person is a person with low self esteem. He domineers over others to make himself feel better and more important.

A Dominant personality has no need to do that. His self esteem is intact.

I agree with ADR on it .

And I must add it doesn't apply only in D/s context but in every interpersonal relation in which there is some form of power exchange ( eg. school , work , hierarchical enviroments .. etc ).

Power and strenght in general need a balanced personality to be exerted in a right way , and , if I'm allowed to say, to be credible to the receiver eyes.

In my opinion for a dominant character to fall into tyrannical behaviour is always a big temptation , but a person who has a good degree of self esteem can manage this trait of personality with wisdom .

A really strong character doesn't need to demonstrate his /her authoritativeness with domineering outward manifestations .

Back in a more strict D/s context , in my little experience , I can say that a good Dominant ( at least in my opinion ) is who can lead his/her sub to desired appropriate goals without show any despotism .

A Dominant who exercises his/her power/ responibility not tyrannizing around but earning the sub's devotion and respect using a strong ,even strict , but fair hand , wisely dosing punishments and gratifications, pain and aftercares usually easily reachs higher results of mutual satisfaction and the wished overcoming of the sub's boundaries .

But that is just me with my tastes and idiosyncrasies.

I know there are different kinds of subs for different kinds of Doms /Dommes and the fun of the whole matter is that everyone is different , with a different vision and a different way of act .

Otherwise without an healthy confrontation of styles ...what an ennui !

 

[YinandYang]

Anywho, domineering people? I have no time for them. I'll bite back at them.

I have to say I would do the same, would be like a red rag to a bull. If someone thinks they can be domineering (even worse if they know my tendencies!) and not bother to get to know me first, then they would probably see my dominant side. I would go for the quiet, deep thinker who could be domineering without bullying. Respect, friendship, understanding would always have to come first.

 

[Marquis]

i dont think that a dominant who appears to be nonchalant on the outside is always the same inside. I know many dominants who appear laid back but dont miss a thing. their mind is always working, eyes watching everything... and remembering every word spoken.

I was just trying to explain this to someone the other day.

She was telling me about how she will test Dom's to see if they'll let her top from the bottom (to check for authenticity purposes). I will never let a sub dictate the pace of my Domstep, so if a sub tries to manipulate me likt this I'm happy to watch quietly and save those cards for later, if she makes it to "later".