Non-violence... HELP!!

[Ancilla1968]

I keep trying ... and failing ... to like spanking, pain, etc etc etc. I know what I like. Bondage ... dirty talk .... so why do I feel like every Dom in the world seems to think I don't know what is good for me. I'm a slave .. not an idiot. Yet ... I feel I will be alone if I do not, plain and simply, lie about hating pain. Doms do not exist that aren't into giving pain. And it makes me cry .. a lot. I'm afraid I will lose my Master over it .. and maybe that is right. I just don't know what to do.

 

[DomNQuestion]

I keep trying ... and failing ... to like spanking, pain, etc etc etc. I know what I like. Bondage ... dirty talk .... so why do I feel like every Dom in the world seems to think I don't know what is good for me. I'm a slave .. not an idiot. Yet ... I feel I will be alone if I do not, plain and simply, lie about hating pain. Doms do not exist that aren't into giving pain. And it makes me cry .. a lot. I'm afraid I will lose my Master over it .. and maybe that is right. I just don't know what to do.

First off, let me say that I am a dom in a married dom/sub relationship, but I have only been experimenting with the dom/sub lifestyle for about 4 months now. That said: I have read that if you want to be a good dom (and it also seems to be the way I live my life) you have to be true to yourself, BUT you have to do what you can to "improve" the sub and make sure it is well within what their "limits" are.

I have come to understand that you don't have to like pain to be sub and that should be conveyed to your dom, but I have also come to understand that if you are submissive you have to accept the rules of your dom. Your dom (being aware of your pain limits) should not ignore whatever your limits are set at. To me.... pushing limits and purposely ignoring them are two different things. However, most doms believe there is punishment for not adhering to the "rules", but that doesn't mean it has to involve pain. Humiliation, depriving one of sexual satisfaction, depriving of desires, basic rule setting discipline items and things of that nature can be used. Just come to find what works for you and express that to him.

If you would ever like to chat feel free to message me. I am not sure if I can help, but you can chat with at least one dom here that does NOT need pain if his sub does not accept it. Just let me know and I hope this helps.


DomNQuestion

 

[Ancilla1968]

First off, let me say that I am a dom in a married dom/sub relationship, but I have only been experimenting with the dom/sub lifestyle for about 4 months now. That said: I have read that if you want to be a good dom (and it also seems to be the way I live my life) you have to be true to yourself, BUT you have to do what you can to "improve" the sub and make sure it is well within what their "limits" are.

I have come to understand that you don't have to like pain to be sub and that should be conveyed to your dom, but I have also come to understand that if you are submissive you have to accept the rules of your dom. Your dom (being aware of your pain limits) should not ignore whatever your limits are set at. To me.... pushing limits and purposely ignoring them are two different things. However, most doms believe there is punishment for not adhering to the "rules", but that doesn't mean it has to involve pain. Humiliation, depriving one of sexual satisfaction, depriving of desires, basic rule setting discipline items and things of that nature can be used. Just come to find what works for you and express that to him.

If you would ever like to chat feel free to message me. I am not sure if I can help, but you can chat with at least one dom here that does NOT need pain if his sub does not accept it. Just let me know and I hope this helps.


DomNQuestion

I may .... I am not into humiliation either. If I wanted to be humiliated I'd stay with my husband and continue to be abused by him *shrugs* I'm sure someone would get off on his behavior but I never have.

I'm just .. in a lot of pain today .. oh the ironies of life.

 

[DomNQuestion]

I may .... I am not into humiliation either.

Then make sure your dom knows that. I don't see how anyone could be happy if their dom/sub didn't know what exactly was "ok" and what wasn't. Again, I hope it helped and if you care to talk. Msg me anytime.

 

[00Syd]

I keep trying ... and failing ... to like spanking, pain, etc etc etc. I know what I like. Bondage ... dirty talk .... so why do I feel like every Dom in the world seems to think I don't know what is good for me. I'm a slave .. not an idiot. Yet ... I feel I will be alone if I do not, plain and simply, lie about hating pain. Doms do not exist that aren't into giving pain. And it makes me cry .. a lot. I'm afraid I will lose my Master over it .. and maybe that is right. I just don't know what to do.

First of all, there is nothing that says you have to be both submissive and masochistic. If someone of the domly persuasion cannot accept that you aren't into pain, well, then they probably aren't the dominant for you. There are plenty of dominants who aren't also sadists (just like there are plenty of submissives who aren't also masochists), and you should not subject yourself to unwanted pain because you think that that is the only way. Its not. Don't settle for something that isn't right FOR YOU. If you tell your Master that you are not masochistic, and do not want him to physically hurt you, but he refuses your request for any reason, that's probably a good sign that he isn't the master for you.

Doms do exist that aren't into giving pain. Just because you haven't found one yet doesn't mean that they don't exist. Just keep looking.

Also, no two relationships are alike. While it may work for some people to be in relationships where the dom pushes the sub's limits, other people aren't comfortable with that. If you absolutely do not want to be physically hurt or humiliated, then you don't have to be. Don't allow yourself to be hurt because you think that its what you're "supposed to do." You don't have to do anything.

 

[Ancilla1968]

Then make sure your dom knows that. I don't see how anyone could be happy if their dom/sub didn't know what exactly was "ok" and what wasn't. Again, I hope it helped and if you care to talk. Msg me anytime.

He knows. He won't humiliate me. But when it comes to spanking he knows how I feel but still insists I will like it or I DO like it. sighs.

I have to go bike riding .... something LOL

 

[Ancilla1968]

First of all, there is nothing that says you have to be both submissive and masochistic. If someone of the domly persuasion cannot accept that you aren't into pain, well, then they probably aren't the dominant for you. There are plenty of dominants who aren't also sadists (just like there are plenty of submissives who aren't also masochists), and you should not subject yourself to unwanted pain because you think that that is the only way. Its not. Don't settle for something that isn't right FOR YOU. If you tell your Master that you are not masochistic, and do not want him to physically hurt you, but he refuses your request for any reason, that's probably a good sign that he isn't the master for you.

Doms do exist that aren't into giving pain. Just because you haven't found one yet doesn't mean that they don't exist. Just keep looking.

Thank you! I will definately think about that.

 

[AbiNormyl]

I may .... I am not into humiliation either. If I wanted to be humiliated I'd stay with my husband and continue to be abused by him *shrugs* I'm sure someone would get off on his behavior but I never have.

I'm just .. in a lot of pain today .. oh the ironies of life.

First big Hugs to you. I do understand your pain. Now, that said you CAN find what you are looking for in a Dom.

My first suggestion is defining what you want and need. If you don't know exactly what you want and what you need then how can any Dom do the same?

Second, be upfront about your limits, don't get into a relationship and after a few months try to negotiate what you really want. That is almost impossible, i am not saying it won't work but it is extremely hard because first it is going to seem like you are lying at the time you bring it up or that you have been leading your Dom on. If it is something that pops up that you didn't really realize was an issue the bring it up immediately.

Third, use a safe word. If the dom isn't willing to listen to you when you use it then it don't stay with that Dom. It is better to be alone than it is to be abused simply because you are afraid to be alone.

Finally, it is ok to be alone untiil you find what you are looking for, better to stick it out by yourself until you find the "right" one instead of going through many Doms trying to make yourself into something you aren't.

 

[Netzach]

There are a LOT of bondage people who are not into hitting/spanking/pain or much else beyond tying people up beautifully and optionally sexin' at the end of it - if you look to make contacts in the shibari rope/bondage communities you will find guys on your page, I'm betting.

 

[where]

There are a LOT of bondage people who are not into hitting/spanking/pain or much else beyond tying people up beautifully and optionally sexin' at the end of it - if you look to make contacts in the shibari rope/bondage communities you will find guys on your page, I'm betting.

uh huh... I'm mostly into the bondage thing, although my dom has introduced me to spanking in such a way that I crave it. I was recently spanked by someone else though, and I hated it. it has a lot to do with technique as well as inclination.

 

[Ancilla1968]

Thank you all so much for your replies .....

I think I know how to tell my Master what i want. After a long introspective bike ride, I know I am ... tolerating the spankings and willing to in order to please him. I don't know if that's right or wrong .. it simply is .....

I need to write ....

 

[BiBunny]

I like pain, but I don't like spanking or otherwise being whacked in the ass with things. I'll tolerate it under certain conditions, but it really doesn't do anything for me.

I don't bring this up to be contrary, only to tell you that there are tons of shades as far as kinked relationships go. It's probably about as difficult not to be into pain at all as it is to identify as a masochist and have to explain a zillion times to a community often that holds spanking/whipping/etc. as the be-all and end-all of kinky behavior that, no, really, I don't want you to whack me in the ass, and if you persist, I'll get up and shove your implement down your throat.

"ZOMG, how can you say you're a masochist if you don't want to be spanked?" is a pretty common question. I actually had one fucknut ask me, "Well, if you're not into spanking, what do you DO?" as if spanking was the only way his uncreative ass could think of to hurt someone.

So, the moral of the story is, if I can find not one but two people simultaneously who get that, yes, I want to be hurt, but, no, I don't care for spankings/whippings/etc., then you will eventually find someone who's into bondage and dominance, but not sadism.

 

[CutieMouse]

[warning: bluntness alert]

I keep trying ... and failing ... to like spanking, pain, etc etc etc. I know what I like. Bondage ... dirty talk .... so why do I feel like every Dom in the world seems to think I don't know what is good for me. I'm a slave .. not an idiot. Yet ... I feel I will be alone if I do not, plain and simply, lie about hating pain. Doms do not exist that aren't into giving pain. And it makes me cry .. a lot. I'm afraid I will lose my Master over it .. and maybe that is right. I just don't know what to do.

Um... no offense, but, a few days ago you announced your presence on the Distance Domination thread, stating that you'd been "released" by your last Master at Christmastime, and had accepted the "protection" of another Dominant and submitted to him/had a new Master by freaking January 1, 2010.

Also stating that you'd known this current master for several months prior to accepting his position in your life [Jan. 1, 2010] - implying that y'all knew one another rather well, and had this whole communication/common interests/expectations of BDSM well in hand.

Those posts were made January 3 - 5... and now [Jan. 6] you're anxious and worked up over "non-violence" in BDSM relationships, confused as to why "all Masters" require spanking/hitting/pain/impact play. Because

Doms do not exist that aren't into giving pain.

And now he expects it of you, and you hate it, and ZOMG you might end up alone and might lose him over it.

Seriously?

Are you 'effing twelve?

Grow the 'eff up. Learn to be alone [and okay with it]. Stop hopping from "Master" to "Master" and take the time to actually find someone with whom you are wholly compatible, instead of being so farking desperate that your own discomfort and misery superceed your fear of being "Masterless".

christonaswizzlestick.



[/warning: bluntness alert]

 

[Sir_Winston54]

[warning: bluntness alert]
...
[/warning: bluntness alert]

Blunt. God/dess, I love blunt. But then, I'm a sadist, not a Dominant.

 

[Bandit58]

My pain threshold has taken a dive over the past couple of years or so. I am blaming a combination of the menopause (I am 51) and the fact that we don't indulge in the "heavier" aspects of BDSM much any more.

I can tolerate a light to medium spanking and a few lashes with a crop but that's as far as it goes. He attempted once to use a heavy strap on me. I lasted two strokes of the five He wanted me to take. I just cannot seem to process pain as "good" sensation anymore, it just feels "bad", even though I want to please Him so badly.

He knows this. He's not pushing me. We are happy either way.

 

[the captians wench]

Warning: This is bound to be a rather long post

First of all, there is nothing that says you have to be both submissive and masochistic. If someone of the domly persuasion cannot accept that you aren't into pain, well, then they probably aren't the dominant for you. There are plenty of dominants who aren't also sadists (just like there are plenty of submissives who aren't also masochists), and you should not subject yourself to unwanted pain because you think that that is the only way. Its not. Don't settle for something that isn't right FOR YOU. If you tell your Master that you are not masochistic, and do not want him to physically hurt you, but he refuses your request for any reason, that's probably a good sign that he isn't the master for you.

Doms do exist that aren't into giving pain. Just because you haven't found one yet doesn't mean that they don't exist. Just keep looking.

Also, no two relationships are alike. While it may work for some people to be in relationships where the dom pushes the sub's limits, other people aren't comfortable with that. If you absolutely do not want to be physically hurt or humiliated, then you don't have to be. Don't allow yourself to be hurt because you think that its what you're "supposed to do." You don't have to do anything.

I think sid really hit on some key points here. There's no rule book that says "subs are this" and "doms are that" and what not. Each person makes their own rules up, and it's the combining and compermize of these rules that builds the relationship.

There are PYLs out there who do not nessisarily dish out pain. One of my dearest playmates was a man who was not greatly into pain. It frusterated me at one point because I am a huge pain slut, but he had his own ways, and I loved them.

Jounar is a sadist pure and simple. He likes causing me great amounts of pain, the issue of me liking it or not is really not a consideration. He gets off on my pain, if I get off on it, bully for me, if I don't like it, tough shit, but that was something WE AGREED was acceptable.

It's probably one of the reasons our relationship has lasted so much longer than any relationship he's had prior. I'm willing to suffer great amounts of pain, even pain that I don't particularly enjoy, just for the simple fact that it makes him happy. In this case, it's my service orientation that works these things out rather than my enjoyment of pain, cause trust me, some of the things he's had me do/done to me I haven't enjoyed.

And then there are all sorts imbetween these two extreams. The key is KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT AND BEING UP FRONT ABOUT IT. I think I've talked to you about this before in other threads. You have to know you before you can take on another, and that brings me to this:

[warning: bluntness alert]



Um... no offense, but, a few days ago you announced your presence on the Distance Domination thread, stating that you'd been "released" by your last Master at Christmastime, and had accepted the "protection" of another Dominant and submitted to him/had a new Master by freaking January 1, 2010.

Also stating that you'd known this current master for several months prior to accepting his position in your life [Jan. 1, 2010] - implying that y'all knew one another rather well, and had this whole communication/common interests/expectations of BDSM well in hand.

Those posts were made January 3 - 5... and now [Jan. 6] you're anxious and worked up over "non-violence" in BDSM relationships, confused as to why "all Masters" require spanking/hitting/pain/impact play. Because



And now he expects it of you, and you hate it, and ZOMG you might end up alone and might lose him over it.

Seriously?

Are you 'effing twelve?

Grow the 'eff up. Learn to be alone [and okay with it]. Stop hopping from "Master" to "Master" and take the time to actually find someone with whom you are wholly compatible, instead of being so farking desperate that your own discomfort and misery superceed your fear of being "Masterless".

christonaswizzlestick.



[/warning: bluntness alert]

CM may be very blunt here, but I think she brings up some valid points.

Like I said, you have to know you, know your wants, your needs, your hard limits, and your soft ones BEFORE you get involved or even consider being involved with some one else. The fact that you jumped so quicklly to a new PYL sent up red flags on the LD thread, and the fact that you're considering riding yourself of your third husband sent up another one for me. These flags are shouting to me that you have some issues with being alone. Perhaps even some abandonment issues. I really think you should address this before considering another relationship.

I've told my story, and I've shared at least one other with you personally, but one thing about Jounar, he's pushed me to be independant of him which I'm not sure I would have found any other way than the way it happened. I needed that long distance support. Some one on the outside that I could lean on, but not close enough that I could persuade into doing things for me. When I met Jounar I'd never lived alone. I'd never gone shopping by myself, I'd never paid a bill, hell working was a new concept for me. I'd always been able to bat my eyes and get some one else to do that stuff for me. When my husband left and I was alone it scared the shit out of me. Then my mom kicking me out of her place, and 3 months later my cousin/room mate moving in the middle of the night while I worked a night shift in KY. I came home and all there was there was me. I suddenly had to pay all of the bills, make all of the money, put bills in my name. and everything else that comes with living alone. I had Jounar there to support me emotionally, but he did things to make sure I wasn't emotionally dependant, huge difference.

Things can happen fast. But don't force them to happen fast. If you don't like spankings, and don't wish to be persuaded other wize tell him to back the fuck off and don't be afraid of what happens.

Every PYL I have been involved with, with only a couple of exceptions, has been willing to listen to my wants and needs and find compermises. The two who didn't, we soon parted ways. I give all of me when I invite some one to be involved with me, even if they are just playing, so I want to make sure they are right for me, and more important, deserving of me. Telling me I'll like something that I've expressed I don't want to do because I know I don't enjoy it, is not some one deserving of my service. Now with Jounar, after 4 years of service now, and a visit there, I've given up my right to say no I'd rather not do xyz, but again that was something we talked about and agreed on before hand, not something he expected of me. And a huge reason why I gave that up is because I know if something is really pushing my limits he will talk to me about it before hand and get my imput. Now his responce is very likely going to be "tough" but that's fine because I've already told him that's an acceptable responce to my reservations.

The key is comunication and agreed upon boundries. It's all nagoticating that contract, whether it be formally written or just spoken. He doesn't automatically get to decide how things go, he only has as much power over you as you give him. Now if you give it all up in the begining and then you find out "hey wait we never talked about me getting spanked I don't like that idea" well, I would say tough cookies, but there's always the choice to speak up and say "I don't like this, I won't agree to this, you can't make me, and if you have issues well then don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out'.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that because you're a sub/slave you have to put up with what ever they dish out. You don't. You never do. There's always an option. Don't be afraid of it.

And don't settle for less than what you want. Take time, date around, find your match. There's nothing that says that you have to submit to one PYL. There's nothing that says you can't hook up with a few while in search of the right one. Think like a dude and play the field a little. Then when you find the right ying to your yang, pounce.

I don't mean to be harsh, but CM really does have some valid points in there.

 

[FurryFury]

Yep, wax is hot, lovely stuff done properly.