non-subs who date Doms

[WriterDom]

I have a chat friend I met on AOL. I was on my nilla name, and was upfront telling her I was a Dom. She laughed and said she sees a Dom once in a while but doesn't submit to him. I think she gets off on Dom guys and trying to top them. And she is very hot both in body and mind so I can see the appeal of being with her.

On the phone she is very sweet and giggly, not controlling at all. I get the sense that she may be a sub at heart, but just needs to be broken. Just curious if anyone has come across this at all. Or give a female perspective.

 

[SexyChele]

"Broken"?

Are you looking for a woman or a horse?

Yeah, a female perspective here.

 

[sunfox]

This isn't another "All women are subs deep down" thread, is it?

So, what's the question exactly... cause at the moment, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to answer.

Why should this woman be a sub simply because she's met a few Doms?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Not into this theory of breaking women to make them into real submissives. May be old fashioned but where is the consensuality in that. And maybe I am just going through a cynical, questioning phase, but who is the Dom in this if all a woman has to do to get the undivided attention of a Dom is to be sweet and giggly on the phone? Sounds a bit to me like she has you by the balls already WD, not the other way around.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

Not into this theory of breaking women to make them into real submissives. May be old fashioned but where is the consensuality in that. And maybe I am just going through a cynical, questioning phase, but who is the Dom in this if all a woman has to do to get the undivided attention of a Dom is to be sweet and giggly on the phone? Sounds a bit to me like she has you by the balls already WD, not the other way around.

Catalina

I don't suppose it's any more fun than 'breaking' horses, which destroys their spirit. We don't do that to our horses, and I wouldn't want it done to me. What he loves about me -is- my spirit.

And I'm afraid I must concur with the view that the woman seems to be holding the reins... to continue the horse analogy to a ridiculous degree.

 

[Prof Bill]

You mean she might not know she's a sub?

In my experience, any time I think someone is an unknowing sub what I'm really doing is blowing smoke up my ass! If a lady is a sub, she knows it even if she doesn't know what it is and even if she can't articulate it. And every Dom knows it, also. If you have to ask, my guess is she isn't.

Some women want strong men. Again in my experience, at least some of the ones who want strong men are weak themselves and want someone to take care of them. I've never met a good sub who wasn't strong and accomplished herself. And that's the way I think it's best. Who wants to have a weakling to dom? It's much more enjoyable and erotic to Dom strong women--probably because you know they are giving you a really significant and great gift with their submission.

Now, for me, the real heart of what you ask brings to mind the difference between Domination (a lovely and erotic relationship based on a mutual power exchange) and being domineering (an ugly state occupied only by losers who don't have the imagination to do anything else). You want to "break her?" And she's not a horse? It sounds to me as if you want to be domineering. And, as far as I'm concerned, that's a non-starter here.

Just my two cents worth.

Bill

 

[Mskey]

first off forgive the intrusion as I generally do not post here, but this one caught my eye.

I myself am in no way, shape or form submissive, and it is precisely because I am so strong willed that I find my self generally attracted to confident, dominant men and women. I can assure you it isn't because I'm deep down hungering for then to take me under their control, or to " break me" as you less then eloquently phrased it. I am attracted to strong men and strong women for that matter because I can relate better to them, have more in common with them, and find their companionship to be far more pleasureable then that of a weakling who is forever looking to me to steer their course for them.

Also, being sweet and giggly has loooong been an established trick of women for luring a man to them. It has nothing to do with softness or weakness in actuality and alot more to do with putting forth an image that will draw a man in. I don't think this woman needs to be" broken". Seems to me she's handling herself just fine.

 

[WriterDom]

Ok maybe broken wasn't the right word. I guess what I meant was that she is just starting to research bdsm and isn't sure where she fits in, or if at all. She has expressed an interest in sharing a female sub with a Dom so my guess is that she will either be Domme or just wants some kinky sex now and then. Probably the latter.

And she doesn't have me by the balls. I just enjoy chatting with women who are what I call hyper-sexual.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And she doesn't have me by the balls. I just enjoy chatting with women who are what I call hyper-sexual.

Uh-huh, I can relate to that. Master is a the first one ever to keep up with me and I can tell you, sub or Domme, a hyper sexual woman is most likely going to love having a good grip on them there balls. Enjoy it I say, but only if it is welcomed.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

I have a chat friend I met on AOL. I was on my nilla name, and was upfront telling her I was a Dom.

Okay, I feel stupid asking this, but I just had to.

What constitutes a nilla name? Is it.. Bob? Dave? Todd? George?

Because honestly, even if I saw someone with Dom in their name, I might be inclined to first think their name was Dominick, or something like that. *giggles*

/stupid question.

 

[WriterDom]

Re: Re: non-subs who date Doms

Okay, I feel stupid asking this, but I just had to.

What constitutes a nilla name? Is it.. Bob? Dave? Todd? George?

.

Well, the name isn't important. What I mean by nilla name is that it has a nilla profile.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I have a chat friend I met on AOL. I was on my nilla name, and was upfront telling her I was a Dom. She laughed and said she sees a Dom once in a while but doesn't submit to him. I think she gets off on Dom guys and trying to top them. And she is very hot both in body and mind so I can see the appeal of being with her.

On the phone she is very sweet and giggly, not controlling at all. I get the sense that she may be a sub at heart, but just needs to be broken. Just curious if anyone has come across this at all. Or give a female perspective.

Just my 2 cents...

Until fairly recently, I never considered myself the least bit submissive. I have always been attracted to strong willed men and women, like myself. People that I can not walk over or take advantage of. To me, it always felt as if we were working from the same place.

Even now, as I am on a journey to try and unearth the inner maso-subbie within, I still am drawn to strong people, outside of the BDSM world. Only someone stronger than I (IMO) is worth my pain.

Maybe that isn't what you were asking but for me only strong, alpha personalities make me melt and get me in that spot of wanting to compete or give in...no-one else will do.


Later WD
pet

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Maybe she just likes the idea that her sweet, giggly side can make the strong Domly type melt?

Maybe she just likes the idea of topping from the bottom... having the power, and knowing she has the power, but letting someone else think they have it?

Just a couple thoughts.

 

[Angel_Diva]

I have a chat friend I met on AOL. I was on my nilla name, and was upfront telling her I was a Dom. She laughed and said she sees a Dom once in a while but doesn't submit to him. I think she gets off on Dom guys and trying to top them. And she is very hot both in body and mind so I can see the appeal of being with her.

On the phone she is very sweet and giggly, not controlling at all. I get the sense that she may be a sub at heart, but just needs to be broken. Just curious if anyone has come across this at all. Or give a female perspective.

ok.... let me give you a perspective from a switch

I'm a dom/sub.... but you can never tell with me when you meet me, cause i act submissive most of the time. I am shy, quiet, & will probably do whatever you ask...... *whistles* if i get to know you that is.
She could be a switch you know, yes she could be it. I love dominating my bf sometime, and he loves dominating me I act all giggly, and coy..... and he acts all dominant and strong and he does whatever I say whenever I tell him too. That could be the deal with her.... have you considered it? But yes, if you need to ask if she's a sub or a dom... she's probably neither. The break terminoligy didn't go well... i wonder why? You dont break women man..... unless this was like the 1800's century

 

[FungiUg]

My lover is dominant, but not a Dominant... if you get the difference? One of the reasons we do well as a couple is because we are equals in the relationship. Co-dominant. Neither of us has to (or will) submit to the other.

Of course, we're also both stubborn as mules and neither of us will back down easily, but that's beside the point.

My lover is attracted to dominant men, because she respects them. Anyone she can push around and twist around her finger, she soon loses respect for.

Women are a whole 'nother matter... she enjoys pushing them around (in a sexual context), and is quite happy to join me in playing with a submissive woman!

So... from my own experience, just because a woman is attracted to dominant men doesn't mean she must be submissive.

 

[Mr Blonde]

I have some unrelated comments that are "inspired" by this thread...

There are definitely some unrealized submissives out there. And as a Dominant, I find women who will submit to a guy like me because I might be the first guy who seems compatible while perhaps not burdened with negative BDSM stereotypes.

I am not any better or worse, but I am different than a lot of the typical male dominants out there. I look like a guy who would be closing business deals on the golf course. I have a preppie appearance and am well-educated. For quiet hobbies I prefer watching sub-titled films or oil painting to more macho activities. Some of the tough exterior male dominants would take one look at me and say this guy seems pretty lame. And I might be lame, maybe it is open to debate...who knows? But I just say that there are many styles of domination and I am not better or worse than others. I do what makes me happy.

Anyway, the point I want to make is that there are many legitimately submissive women who reach 25+ or 30+ years old before finding someone. And women can be well into their adult years, be of a clear submissive nature, but remain "unmarked" because they have not found a man who meets certain criteria deemed worthy of submitting to.

Lots of strong-willed women will only submit to someone they can respect on many levels. I might be the first man with whom they feel they feel compatible with as a person and also comfortable exploring their submission.

Let me very clearly say I am not "converting" them to BDSM. It is taking latent desires into willing reality. They might have had "kinky" boyfriends in the past, perhaps it was just "playing" (as a pretend role), and during that play they sensed they want more. It might have been on their mind for years.

I am not exactly sure what WriterDom was saying in his first post, but....yes, some women who are submissive at heart get a very late start because they did not find the right partner at an earlier age. Also remember in a recent poll of forum regulars, the average age for first experiences was determined to be 23-24 years old.

 

[ammre]

broken is probably just a bad word to use... if anything she needs a BETTER dom than rather a broken version of herself.
I can't fathom submitting to anyone i feel is inferior. (that's not meant to sound pompus but i go for really smart guys or ones who have something over me)

 

[SwtSouthrnSub]

.

 

[Netzach]

I highly recommend asking someone directly. One thing that really made me go ape shit on my maso slave were his attempts at making an anthropological study of how I crossed my legs or brushed my hair out of my face or used a toothpick and whether it was sometimes in a "subbie" manner.

 

[NCShin]

I'm going to be late for work because of this post...but...


One of the many things I love about D/s is being up front and honest with my partner.

Be upfront with her. She knows that you're a dom, so tell her some things that you like to do and see if she likes or would like to be on the other end of some of those things.

 

[rosco rathbone]

WD is on point with this remark.

A dom develops subdar. Some chick who had no interest whatsoever wouldn't even speak the lingo. And even if she did....a dom can tell.

That's not to say that all sub-curious chicks are breakable; though.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

WD is on point with this remark.

A dom develops subdar. Some chick who had no interest whatsoever wouldn't even speak the lingo. And even if she did....a dom can tell.

That's not to say that all sub-curious chicks are breakable; though.

Uh, 'subdar?' Just as likely to be sub colored glasses -- seeing subs everywhere, even where they're really baby Dommies, yanking your chain. Obviously she has some interest of some sort or she wouldn't have continued the conversation or mentioned 'seeing but not submitting to' some other dom. I don't believe a dom, or anyone can 'just tell.' You can tell she's flirting but what it means, is anyone's guess.
Could be interest in finding a dom she wants to submit to, could be topping a dom because she's a baby domme in the making and doesn't know where to go with it, could be she just likes to tease and would, for instance, tell a lesbian she 'sees' a woman but hasn't slept with her. Point is We Don't Know. And can't tell from this. It does sound like she is challenging him in some way though.

As to 'breakable,' again with the breaking shit? You just like to be A Wrascal, don't you, oh Wrothful One? I'm guess it seems pretty clear to everyone, that for many of us subbie types, 'breaking' doesn't come into it. You could just as easily said, 'helpable' for instance. Or playable. REally, there's finding your Inner Sub (sorry, inner sub), or finding you're Not a sub, and there's getting messed up by the whole process. 'Breaking' someone sounds like the latter. You yanking our chains, again, oh Bone-of-Wrath?

Hey, WD, why not ask her why she sees the other dom, and why she hasn't submitted to him, hmmm?

 

[WriterDom]

Hey, WD, why not ask her why she sees the other dom, and why she hasn't submitted to him, hmmm?

I forgot to ask, but she sees him for the attention I imagine. Well, she hasn't seen in months now.

She is a lot more savvy than I thought from our first conversation which was brief. Her first experience was with the first guy she dated after her divorce 4 years ago. He was submissive, and would do the upper case lower case stuff when he chatted, but she knew nothing until there case when he made his offer of submission. It kind of freaked her out and she didn't see him again.

She had one older man that would take her to dinner and not allow her to bring her purse so she couldn't prove her age. He would then rub her feet and toes till she came, and if she didn't cum, he would tell the staff it was her birthday and they would sing and she hated that. I'd like to hear more about this relationship but there wasn't time.

The last Dom, that she used to see every week and now just once in a while, would pamper her. She really didn't have to ask for anything, he just gave her lots of attention.
She said control doesn't do anything for her, but she loves attention.

But at the same time, she got very excited about sharing a female sub with me. Controlling her, having her watch or listen as we fuck, and perhaps even using corporal type toys on her. But she is very much against the idea of anything having anything to do with pain used on her, including her nipples that she only likes to have lightly licked.

 

[catalina_francisco]

With all due respect WD, I don't think I would rush to get involved with this woman unless all you wanted was a little fun for awhile. She sounds confused at the least. If she didn't see herself as a sub, why would she agree to the terms set by this Dom who used to take her to dinner....and how old is she exactly if the reason she wasn't allowed to take a purse was so she couldn't prove her age? Is she that young it would be an issue? If she doesn't get off on the control, why would she even get into these positions and go along with them? These are the questions I find filling my head from your last post.

While there is nothing wrong with what she says she has done, it does raise a whole lot of questions for me as to whether she is telling the truth; if she is, why does she seem to have difficulty with being herself..boundary issues...; and what is it she is looking for exactly? As she says, she likes attention and it seems from what you say that is true. Would this mean a healthy relationship for you, or one where you would be forever catering to her needs, tailoring it to keep her happy, being motivated by her needs more so than your own? Just thoughts that came from your description, but could be completely wrong and out of context. Hope whichever way you decide, it works for you.

Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

Uh, 'subdar?' Just as likely to be sub colored glasses -- seeing subs everywhere, even where they're really baby Dommies, yanking your chain.

heh, you are pretty funny.