Non- Sexual Privacy

[shy slave]

Andante has access to all areas of my life which are computerised. He reads my emails and can access anything whenever he wishes.
Emails, bills etc etc.
He does read my mail and, unless I ask, he does not tell me that he has done so.

Incidentally, I don't have issues with this set-up.
If I did I would tell him, not everyone on Lit lol



How much access to your life does your PYL to have?

Is everything a truely open book, or do you have some private places?

Do you see this lack of privacy in non-sexual areas of life as an invasion?

Could you cope if you thought your PYL could see everything you wrote to family, friends, work etc?

Would you view it as a lack of trust by your PYL, or as a way of trying to understand you more?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Good question.

I met my Dom on-line on a message board. I use a different email address for all correspondence with people from that message board. I share all that with him. I have to admit that in the beginning this was extremely difficult for me. Not because I felt it violated my privacy but that it violated the privacy of the person I was emailing with. But as my trust in my Dom deepened I began to see it more as a wonderful way for him to get to know me better and to see how I think. This has worked out for me too in that if there is an issue or concern I am having difficulty explaining to him I may discuss something similiar to it with a friend and then send him the copy of the email which gives me a way of respectfully bringing up the issue with him.

I do not share bills, expenses, correspondence with family etc. He has not asked to see them either.

I don't really have any private places. Even when I take pictures of myself to send him he wants all of them, even the ones that don't turn out well. He wants me as I am and accepts me- imperfections and all. This has made me more willing and able to reveal everything about myself. Even more so than I do to my husband of 20yrs. Though I consider my husband my soulmate he only wants to hear the parts of my relationship with my Dom that he wants to hear (no discipline parts and some other stuff)

I share with my Dom information about my children, but being a protective mom this took a great deal of time also. He has no control over how I parent and the choices my husband and I make concerning our children.

So I guess you could say my Dom has as much access to my private life as he wants. Though not total control over parts of it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For us it has always been an open situation, firstly with me, then later once we were 24/7 under the same roof, also with him giving me access to everything he wrote, emailed etc. I have found that initially he did a lot of checking, just to keep me on my toes and aware he had that power, but these days it is less an occurance though the option is there if he chooses. I have never had a problem with it and sort of expected it more than seeing it as a sign of distrust. LOL. in life I am fairly open with most people anyway....I find it easier than trying to remember who knows what and how much. Of course, there are some family members who are not as exposed, but that is sensible and likely kind to them.

Catalina

 

[Shankara20]

Interesting question. I developed my privacy point of view while married. Both of my marriages were more-or-less open, that is allowing for other lovers. Both were not BDSM relationships - so take that into consideration. Years ago I made the error of reading my first wife's diary when I stumbled across it one day. BIG MISTAKE! I was crushed to read some of things about her interests in other men.

Over time I have came to consider each persons internal landscape, what they are feeling and thinking, as totally private. It crystallized for me one day when my wife asked me playfully "what you thinking?" - I just happened to be wondering if our marriage was in trouble but did not want to discuss it at that moment - "nothing" came my response. It stared to both me that I had laid to her. Later we discussed it, we agreed that "what you thinking?" has three possible answers - a lie, a "I do not want to tell you", or the truth. There could be no problem with the last two or there could be a huge problem. So we agreed that personal privacy was sacred and set about finding ways to support it without distancing ourselves from each other.

Both my marriages had that respect. We never opened each others mail, if asked we could have privacy while on the phone. We could go see people without telling the other who we were seeing. As long as we were OK between ourselves it did not matter what else went on. We each had our own credit cards, our own bank accounts, our own email accounts without the other having access.

I would not be in a relationship, BDSM or other wise, without the right for both to have considerable privacy. This is just about me, I know that I am not into as deep a D/s relationship as many others here and I hold no judgments about others. Perhaps the privacy issue is one that keeps me from deeper relationships.

 

[shy slave]

Interesting thoughts, thank you.

ecstaticsub, if your on line Dom asked to see bills, expensives etc would that clash with any agreements you have with your husband regarding personal information remaining private between husband and wife? In my mind if you are in both a D/s and vanilla relationship it potentially brings up clashes of agreements or loyality to either person. But, I qualify that by saying I have never been in that situation; so I have no basis to know if that would actually occur.

Cat, I would have been surprised if you and F did not have this kind of arrangement

Shank, your post made alot of sense to me.
I tend to ask 'What are you thinking' if I have concerns about that person. Of course it is a stupid question; and the answer may not be what I actually wanted to hear. If I ask that is it usually a sign I am nervous about something.

I would love Andante to open my mail and deal with all the rubbish I get sent. I am better, but when he and I met I had piles of unopened letters, everything from bank statements to junk mail; simply because I was not interested in what they said.

The bank account issue is an interesting one. He has online access to my accounts but we have seperate accounts, which as we live in different countries (plus my habit of buying handbags I can't afford), makes alot of sense.
When I was married the first time we shared accounts. That was a disaster. When I re-married we had seperate banks. I don't enjoy dealing with money, so I find it useful to be able to talk to him about what is the best thing to do. That takes trust and it did not happen immediately. Money is not as private an issue for me as it seems to be for other people. After all if you have no money there is nothing to be private about.

I don't know if we will have seperate accounts when I move to be with him. In many ways I hope so. I am sure I will want to buy things that have no importance or spend some time in a coffee shop without thinking I am stealing joint monies.
His having knowledge and online access to my accounts is different to sharing our finances.

 

[subfem1963]

Our arrangement is that my Dom as access to all correspendence I receive online. But emails i receive from family are kept private, If he ever wanted to see them hes welcome too at any time.
When we first got together he use to check them regually but these days he is usually happy with me just telling him who i have heard from and if i have mailed anyone But he has the passwords to all the sites i am involved with so can check any time he wishes too.
I actually like the fact he has access to this side of my life as if i ever get an email i dont know how to respond too he is on hand to help me out.

 

[misspihla]

Im not in relationship now but there is no way my partner would have access to all my emails, text messages and so on. And it's not only about me, it's about my friends too. How could I justify that what my friend tells me would be automatically for my partner too?

That kind of relationship would mean that I couldnt have friends who wouldnt accept that their friendship and everything they tell me would be supervised by my partner - and that probably would mean very little close friends at all.

 

[callinectes]

Having access to my e-mail and other correspondance is not something he has expressed an interest in. He is aware of my finances and we do discuss their management but he has not requested the passwords to my on-line banking and bill pay. On the other hand, he has a key to my house and lives only a couple of miles away so he can come over and rifle through my stuff anytime he wants. To my knowledge he has never done it and I truly doubt he ever would unless it was to take some sort of corrective action to a specific problem. Otherwise, it's not his style to want access to those areas of my life.

Having said that..my emotional privacy is a whole different ballgame. I have none. Zip. I can try to sidestep, fib, or clam-up but it doesn't work. It's scary how well that man knows me.

 

[shy slave]

Im not in relationship now but there is no way my partner would have access to all my emails, text messages and so on. And it's not only about me, it's about my friends too. How could I justify that what my friend tells me would be automatically for my partner too?

That kind of relationship would mean that I couldnt have friends who wouldnt accept that their friendship and everything they tell me would be supervised by my partner - and that probably would mean very little close friends at all.

I can see what you are saying but it is not necessarily a case of 'supervision,' it is about ownership.

My friends for the most apart are aware of our dynamic. I am struggling to think of one person who is not aware that he and I have a 'different' type of relationship, even if they are not aware of the D/s dynamic.

It is about belonging to him and being his slave.
He respects the privacy of my friends, he is not a gossip and would not tell anyone what he has read.
He does not tell me who I can be friends with, but he has that right. If he had a particular view which he wanted me to adhere to regarding someone, then I would respect him and his wishes.

He is the only person I have ever given this over to, it was not something either of us take lightly.

As an aside he also has access to my parents email, but that is because he set it up for them and my mother constantly forgets her password. Everyone but her seems to know it

calli, emotional privacy I agree with all you said on that.
How annoying that he can tell from my voice whether I am ok or not.
Yet, he is much harder to read at times.

 

[misspihla]

Well I'm not wanting to be a slave.

It's not only about gossiping but there are things you dont want anyone but rare individuals to know. I for example I have a friend who I have told she can email, txt or call me anytime she has bad times (she is almost suicidal with depression and anxiety problems). I doubt she could if someone else would ever see those mails.

My point just is that I couldnt be such friend for my friends. Then D/s relationship would exclude such intimate friendships.

 

[serijules]

Ma'am doesn't read my emails, but if she asked for passwords and usernames, I wouldn't think twice of giving them. She may not have the actual information, but she has it at hand...simply ordering me to give it to her. I think the only reason she doesn't ask for this is because she really doesn't have the time to spend reading my emails on top of her own as she doesn't spend much time online.

I am required to post copies of any posts I make in my journal for her to read. I have been lapsing in that....thanks for the reminder....

There are a lot of times I wished she enforced more access to my email as it makes me think before I leap in what I say.

I do have to ask before I spend money on anything other than necessities as any extra money I have is supposed to go into savings.

She always knows where I am and who I'm with at all times though. I have to ask permission before making plans.

The more control she has and the more information she requires, the more secure I feel. I love giving ALL and love when she tightens the reins. It makes the ownership tangible.

 

[skittles_lm]

Andante has access to all areas of my life which are computerised. He reads my emails and can access anything whenever he wishes.
Emails, bills etc etc.
He does read my mail and, unless I ask, he does not tell me that he has done so.

Incidentally, I don't have issues with this set-up.
If I did I would tell him, not everyone on Lit lol



How much access to your life does your PYL to have?

Is everything a truely open book, or do you have some private places?

Do you see this lack of privacy in non-sexual areas of life as an invasion?

Could you cope if you thought your PYL could see everything you wrote to family, friends, work etc?

Would you view it as a lack of trust by your PYL, or as a way of trying to understand you more?

My PYL (ha ha) sees whatever She wants to. She has all my passwords, even here. She randomly goes through my phone log and my texts, She even watches me go to the bathroom. She overrides any decisions I make that She doesn't like, even those pertaining to my children.

I'm Hers. therefore, so is everything I am and everything I own, what I write, what I wear...

She doesn't always look. But if She wanted to, She could.

I could ask the same of Her and She would indulge me if She felt like it. I don't ask.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

He knows, were he still here, anything He wants is His...anything.

After being with Him for about 3 months I tossed all limits out the window except for the no scat, animals, children typicals.

I was not His slave but I was His.

...but I'm thinking He might find my emails too boring and my bills scary.

d

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't have any secrets, nothing in my email or PMs that I'd worry ANYone read. (Yes that's right, I live a pretty dull life.) I have some pictures on my computer that I'd rather my kids not see, but otherwise, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

He's never asked to see what I have and he's never asked for access to anything. Unless I ever give him reason to be curious or suspicious, I doubt that he ever will.

 

[A Desert Rose]

So... did he read my last email to you? Have you even read it?

 

[graceanne]

K had access to all my email accounts, the mail, etc. But it's not really a power thing - I have access to all his stuff, too. It's the kind of marriage we have. And beyond that he's always stealing my passwords, so he doesn't have to think up one of his own. lol

 

[FurryFury]

My husband has access to everything if he wishes to use it. He doesn't seem to care to do so.

I likewise have access to everything of his if I care to use it and occasionally I do use it just to see what's going on with him when we've not had enough time together to talk. The answer to that question is nothing of import to me is going on. *yawn*

However, I can NOT stand it when someone stands over my shoulder and looks at what I am typing, cleaning or whatever. I'm happy for them to read it later, discuss it with me but DO NOT watch over my shoulder.

Fury

 

[A Desert Rose]

My husband has access to everything if he wishes to use it. He doesn't seem to care to do so.

I likewise have access to everything of his if I care to use it and occasionally I do use it just to see what's going on with him when we've not had enough time together to talk. The answer to that question is nothing of import to me is going on. *yawn*

However, I can NOT stand it when someone stands over my shoulder and looks at what I am typing, cleaning or whatever. I'm happy for them to read it later, discuss it with me but DO NOT watch over my shoulder.

Fury

You sound so Domme-ly, it's scary, Fury. LOL
Or is it furry??? LMAO You gonna get me now??? I'm watching out for it...
aaaaaaaahahhahahahaha

 

[ecstaticsub]

Interesting thoughts, thank you.

ecstaticsub, if your on line Dom asked to see bills, expensives etc would that clash with any agreements you have with your husband regarding personal information remaining private between husband and wife? In my mind if you are in both a D/s and vanilla relationship it potentially brings up clashes of agreements or loyality to either person. But, I qualify that by saying I have never been in that situation; so I have no basis to know if that would actually occur.

I met my Dom on-line but we see each other in real life so I don't consider him an "on-line Dom". From the very beginning we had agreed that we would respect the privacy of our spouses. Since my bills and banks accounts are joint than they are considered off limits. I am extremely frugal so it is not an area of concern anyway.

My Dom respects my marriage, He has never asked to see the emails I have sent my husband including the many we sent while he was deployed. On the other hand my husband respects my relationship with my Dom. He has never asked to see any IMs or emails either. Sometimes it is a fine balancing position for me. But I enjoy the challenge of obeying my Dom and still keeping my marriage and family together and happy.

 

[SweetErika]

We both have access to everything the other has, BUT we also have a lot of respect for privacy.

Wife, PYL or best friend, I feel uncomfortable going into his e-mail without letting him know first (or soon after, if it's urgent). I only log-in to his email if I'm looking for something very specific, like info for our online accounts/bills or when he's asked me to find something. It may be my right to check everything, but it's definitely not my style.

I've been hurt by having my correspondence read by my love's spouse without permission, so my husband and I are very careful not to do the same kind of thing to each other.

When it comes to other relationships, we have a "be honest, trust, respect privacy and ask if you really want to know" policy. This allows for everyone to feel like they have some privacy and separation, but retain open communication and guard against problems, in our experience.

Finances are shared, and he manages them most of the time. I supervise, give input, make decisions and step in when necessary. He gets a certain amount monthly to spend or save for bigger purchases as he pleases, and we talk about all other purchases first.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I tend to ask 'What are you thinking' if I have concerns about that person. Of course it is a stupid question; and the answer may not be what I actually wanted to hear. If I ask that is it usually a sign I am nervous about something...

Being a smart-ass, sadist and Dom, I tend to answer that with "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would have been talking."

 

[Ebonyfire]

Being a smart-ass, sadist and Dom, I tend to answer that with "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would have been talking."

It's funny you said that because I was thinking the same thing, and have said the same thing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

It's funny you said that because I was thinking the same thing, and have said the same thing.

GMTA! *gives Eb a ^5 *

 

[FurryFury]

You sound so Domme-ly, it's scary, Fury. LOL
Or is it furry??? LMAO You gonna get me now??? I'm watching out for it...
aaaaaaaahahhahahahaha

Yep, I'm pretty emphatic about some things.

*makes a grab for ya*

LOL!

Well, one of the cornerstones of our relationship has always been that my husband and I have fully disclosed to one another so we could stand together against all comers.

For many years we shared an e-mail address. So we've always had a lot of access to each other in these things but also a lot of room to decide what we cared to have access to.

There were many toxic people working against us. That's not really the case anymore but it has a lot to do with how we have given and kept access.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

So... did he read my last email to you? Have you even read it?

LOL
I read it and I thought I answered it.

My brain has been scrambled will now have to check if I actually did reply.

As for whether he read it, I will have to ask him.
I never know if, and when, he is going to look through mail or which ones he reads.