Newcomer wanting feedback

[babyfaced93]

Not very established on this site as an excellent writer or anything, but I'm hoping to get to that point. Looking for some feedback or constructive criticism for my Unexpected Situation series, if anyone has the time. Thanks in advance!!!

 

[PennLady]

It would help if you posted a link. You may have one in your sig, but not all of us have those displayed (me, for one).

 

[soflabbwlvr]

It would help if you posted a link. You may have one in your sig, but not all of us have those displayed (me, for one).

And give us a little bit of info, such as category, multi chapter or stand alone, etc.

 

[babyfaced93]

It would help if you posted a link. You may have one in your sig, but not all of us have those displayed (me, for one).

http://www.literotica.com/s/unexpected-situation-01

 

[babyfaced93]

And give us a little bit of info, such as category, multi chapter or stand alone, etc.

Multi-chapter story about the evolution of a relationship that began in a very unconventional way. Sorry, still getting used to posting in the forums...

 

[babyfaced93]

Be advised: the first part is the most crudely written (it was my first attempt at a story, actually)...

 

[PennLady]

Okay I read some of the first part. Non-con isn't my thing, but I try to help out. The mechanics are okay -- your spelling is good, sentence structure, punctuation, etc. I did see a few little errors, like it should have been "eighteen-year-old dick" instead of "18 year old" (adjectives like that need to be hyphenated). But nothing major. The pacing seems a little rushed, but I think that's pretty common, especially for your first time (hahaha).

However. Your narrator is a jerk; if you want him to be a jerk, fine -- you do a good job -- but that doesn't give me a reason to keep reading (although like I said, I don't like non-con anyway). Perhaps in non-con the protagonist should be a jerk.

A few things struck me as wrong. For one thing, women in California wear bras, I'm sure. Even, or perhaps especially, when they are C or D cups (a description I'd advise against anyway). Bras don't particularly make you warmer or colder, and it's not a question of the weather -- it's a question of comfort and support.

I had a hard time believing her shorts rode down like that; it's far more likely a skirt would ride up. I mean, unless the shorts are a size or two too big, I just can't see her moving around enough to force them down that much.

Second, a guy's dick isn't going to go into a woman's uterus. A man can go deep inside, depending on his length, of course, but at most, I think, a cock will run up against the cervix. Sorry, but incorrect anatomical stuff like this throws me out of the story. I can take a little exaggeration and all, but this is wrong.

I didn't finish the story, sorry about that, but those are my impressions of what I did read.

 

[masterandmargarita]

NonConsent is definitely not my taste, but therein lies the opportunity. I think for a story like this, or really for any story, I'd want to know where the character is coming from. If this is his very first thrilling foray into taking advantage of a sleeping girl, then you should let us know, because that would make all the difference. I love sociopath stories. It's okay if your character is a bad guy, but it isn't fun unless you give us some explanation or psychology behind it.

Murdering people isn't my taste either, but I'll be damned if it isn't exciting to read the Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe. The lesson here is to have your character explain himself to the reader, to show them his world, and they will gladly follow him on his dark adventure.