Newbie - sanity to be saved!

[Gemma901]

Hi all

This is my very first post about something very secret to me. I think I've been interested in being a sub for a few years now but recently it's all I can think about. Has anyone crossed into it before and could tell me anything about differences between the fantasy version and the real version? xx

 

[broyl]

Hi all

This is my very first post about something very secret to me. I think I've been interested in being a sub for a few years now but recently it's all I can think about. Has anyone crossed into it before and could tell me anything about differences between the fantasy version and the real version? xx

Oh honey, you've come to the right site... hahaha. What do you mean by "fantasy" sub vs. "reality" sub? The nature of the relationship and your expectations as a sub are entirely dependent on the type of Dom you end up with... there is no set rulebook of Dom-ness, so to speak...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hello Gemma

The most constant and pervasive difference between fiction and real BDSM is almost exactly like the difference between Romance Novel love and real love, to wit;

Nobody can read anyone else's mind. So I would like to ask you what your fantasy version of submission actually is. It's hard, talking about something you have kept a secret for a long time, but BDSM puts a premium on frank discussion of desires.

I always suggest that newbies read the essay linked in my sig. See if it rings any bells for you, of agreement or disagreement.

 

[Gemma901]

I think I mean whether it's what you expect from what you think, to how your body would react actually doing....if that makes sense lol. There are different types? x

 

[Gemma901]

Thanks Stella x

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think I mean whether it's what you expect from what you think, to how your body would react actually doing....if that makes sense lol.

As in-- you think about getting spanked, and it makes you go all tingly, but you don't know what it would really feel like?

Slap your own ass. Seriously. Spank yourself like you would hope someone would do for you-- yes, it's awkward and OMG embarrassing if anyone came in, not to mention you're doing that thing you've been hiding from... But give it a shot.

AS for bondage in fancy positions, you will have to try them with someone. To my sorrow and frustration, I have a loose hip joint which keeps me from doing some bondage positions that would really rock my world. In my imagination, of course, I can endure for hours and hours... In reality, not so much.

There are different types? x

Yes there are! Pretty much as many types as there are people to be them. And as my essay points out, "submission" is sometimes the wrong word to use at all.

 

[CutieMouse]

10+ years ago, my idea of "day to day submission" was very similar to whatever erotica I'd stumbled across that pushed my buttons.

10+ years ago, a common "belief theme" was that I'd somehow end up as someone's personal submissive, super helpful, sexually accessible 24/7. Chained to the desk leg of some business tycoon, dressing how he dictated, filing reports, typing, hanging out under (or bent over) the desk whenever he wanted sexually serviced, unchained each day to make/serve his meals, made available to whomever he wished, lots of "Sir" and some degree of protocol. I had no idea how any of that was going to happen, or why there never seemed to be any worries about money, bills to pay, work, family, errands, etc... but I wasn't in charge of all THAT! I was the submissive here!

Reality [current]-

No titles. No wealth. No protocol. No offices or secretarial services. He suggested like minded people joining in once or twice, but my logic always won out. (Situations rife with train wreck and drama lama potential - a hard limit of mine.) I dress however I wish, and am expected to successfully run my own life (as a responsible adult). My only real "rules" are to protect my own well being above all else (mentally, emotionally, physically), and whomever else is in my life, regardless what the relationship involves, must be good for me.

The submission comes into play in quiet ways. I take care of his home, occasionally cook for him. He gets what he wants in bed [outside of hard limits]. If either of us need something, we ask and talk it through. If either of us ever decides the cons outweigh the pros, we owe it to the other to say so and either reassess, or end things.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Has anyone crossed into it before and could tell me anything about differences between the fantasy version and the real version? xx

The fantasy version is all about you. No matter how much you think you're fantasizing about submitting, you're fantasizing about things you want. The real version involves real people, and you'll have to learn to be open and honest with them (and they with you) if you're to get the thing you want - and have the joy of providing things they want.

Now, i only know about this stuff in the context of relationships, i have no idea what it's like "in the scene," playing as part of a community, or swinging or anything along those lines. Relationships, vanilla or kinky, are hard work and require commitment, intimacy, and communication. Being submissive changes the dynamics of relationships for you, but it doesn't make them easier, or absolve you of responsibility for them (even though that's one of the lovely things about submitting, that you can feel like you're not responsible for what's happening - but it's just a feeling).

 

[Oubliette123]

I think I mean whether it's what you expect from what you think, to how your body would react actually doing....if that makes sense lol. There are different types? x

Hi Gemma,

I have also only been a part of this lifestyle within a loving relationship (as some posters have mentioned), so I cannot comment on a scene with someone I don't love or know.

From this quote I get the feeling you are talking about the physical feelings rather than the emotional? And from that are you talking about the punishment side?

There are so many aspects to BDSM, just like there are in 'vanilla' relationships. Some people love oral sex, some hate it for example-and excuse the pun but sometimes the only way to find out is to suck it and see

The punishment aspect and the physical feelings that brings in reality I feel are very different from fantasy. Many factors come into it, for example a straight forward crop with no sexual build up can feel like hell, or if its close or on that time of the month that can make a difference. If there is a lot of sexual build up, that again can alter how it feels.

For some people the pain aspect (and not all include this in their lifestyle) is a real punishment, and for some its a turn on.

I agree with Stella, have a go and see how it makes you feel. The only thing missing from that will be the feelings of pleasing someone, and someone doing it to you with all the emotions that brings with it.

Good luck

 

[Gemma901]

Thanks all, I feel really supported and not so different now I think you're all lucky to have experience in it all!xx

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Get an idea of what submission looks like to you, have a look at a BSDM checklist (the first time I did there were thick black lines through a great deal of the things on the list as I tried to get my head around the thought "he would want me to do WHAT?"
These things are handy to have if you do take the big scary step and start looking for a Dom.
Take it slow, talk to lots of people, understand that you can set the pace and the limits and if you feel uncomfortable about doing something, don't!

Submission with the right partner is amazing, but it is also hard. In RL I am quite strong and independant. To serve, I give that up and he is the boss in every way. It is at times difficult.

I wish you good luck at the start of this journey xx

 

[Primalex]

The submission comes into play in quiet ways. I take care of his home, occasionally cook for him. He gets what he wants in bed [outside of hard limits]. If either of us need something, we ask and talk it through.

Oh, a housewife.

 

[Primalex]

This is my very first post about something very secret to me. I think I've been interested in being a sub for a few years now but recently it's all I can think about.

You merely lack some real sex.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Hi. I never - NEVER - at any point consciously thought about 'crossing over from fantasy to reality' until I'd already been doing it for that long that one day I was able to sit back and realize I'd become quite the expert at it.

This is about psychological and physical risk taking.

There is no difference to say what athletes do to push themselves to accomplish some new level of performance, or, what gamblers and high level stock investors do with a lot of money. Risk taking that is successfully undertaken involves every element of research and strategic thinking that one can possibly throw into something.

Let's say you form a belief that doing some kind of erotic thing or sexual act or set of acts and actions will give you enormous arousal in actual context of the real thing - and that you have never yet really done the thing in real life with someone/some people... I'm presuming part of your question is, does the real thing fulfill the fantasy expectation...

Yes it does. No doubt at all.

I cannot think of one single instance in which I was able to actually do something in real life that was previously just an idea, that wasn't enormously arousing and satisfying when it was made to happen. But - nothing I ever did along these lines was spontaneous or spur of the moment at all. Research and a plan does not begin to describe the caution involved.

Other people go to clubs and bars and public venues and afterwork functions with colleagues and let chemistry and alcohol move things forward. Personally I must have an intellectual 'go' signal from vast preparations and considering and details and facts first, AND THEN I let things happen for me. Whether the other party/ies feels equivalently emotionally/erotically/sexually rewarded is not for me to say, but I must presume that a prior mutual acknowledgement of what is being 'allowed' and the mutual acceptance of that, is potentially quite liberating as far as sex and erotics goes.

You most certainly can 'get what you want' or what you fantasize about. People are entitled to and deserve the best there is from sex and adult erotic performance and satisfactions in their life.

If not, they can hope for it in heaven when they die, but why wait when you have to work at it no matter what. Work at it now; start working on it at once.

I have fucked angels and gods - they all have to work on sex to get it right. And none of them are too proud to admit this.

GOD... is Sex. Everything else is on the path of seeking GOD's bliss.

The reason that Satan got chucked out of heaven is because he WAS too proud to admit he wasn't the best in the cloudy beds. He may have been superficially 'good looking' but he still couldn't get the substance right - which shows you that it isn't all about the superficial aspects although let's not throw them entirely to the curb!

Good sex and good erotics come in all kinds of different packages.

Open your mind, open your heart, and especially open your head, but as they say, not so wide open that your brains fall out!

I studied among other things, under one of the greatest psychologists and sex psychologists in the world of all time - won't mention the name but connected to Reich, and much less er, notorious although somewhat notorious sometimes...! Good sex = sanity. Save your sanity? Go for it! And go for it with all your heart and all your mind and all your power.

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh, a housewife.

Actually, I'd make a fabulous personal assistant/ professional housewife... except for the "wife" bit.

 

[Primalex]

Hi. I never - NEVER - at any point consciously thought about 'crossing over from fantasy to reality' until I'd already been doing it for that long that one day I was able to sit back and realize I'd become quite the expert at it.

Uhm...

So you accidentally crossed from fantasy to reality without realizing it and this accidental crossing happened so often that you became an expert into whatever you were doing?

There is no difference to say what athletes do to push themselves to accomplish some new level of performance, or, what gamblers and high level stock investors do with a lot of money. Risk taking that is successfully undertaken involves every element of research and strategic thinking that one can possibly throw into something.

Is this the complicated wording for:"There is a difference between doing something dumb and taking a calculated risk?"

does the real thing fulfill the fantasy expectation...

Yes it does. No doubt at all.

"Read my lips: No new taxes!"

 

[Primalex]

Actually, I'd make a fabulous personal assistant/ professional housewife... except for the "wife" bit.

Okay, I stand corrected.

A fabulous personal assistant with an attachment disorder then. Sounds kinda vanilla.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay, I stand corrected.

A fabulous personal assistant with an attachment disorder then. Sounds kinda vanilla.

I know... Crazy, huh?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Okay, I stand corrected.

A fabulous personal assistant with an attachment disorder then. Sounds kinda vanilla.

Why do you have a micro badger in a cup?

 

[BrightlyGo]

Oh, a housewife.

Marriage is a 24/7 scene.

 

[Gemma901]

Thanks for sharing desiremakesmeweak and everyone. I've def learnt a lot

I wouldn't say I'm lacking real sex at all, merely there's a hole somewhere in me where desires etc get lost rather than fulfilled x

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Thanks for sharing desiremakesmeweak and everyone. I've def learnt a lot

I wouldn't say I'm lacking real sex at all, merely there's a hole somewhere in me where desires etc get lost rather than fulfilled x

I understand where you are coming from.
Only you can identify the nature of the gap in your life.
Do you seek to serve someone absolutely?
Do you need 24/7?
Do you need pain or impact play?
Do you need humiliation?

Start reading more and figuring out just what it is that you need to complete you. and have fun x

 

[Gemma901]

Thanks Sweetdaisymae x

 

[Primalex]

Why do you have a micro badger in a cup?

It's too small for a tankard.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

I never 'accidentally' crossed...!

It was certainly never any 'accident!'